Remembering....

Last night, I covered the annual Citizen of the Year event here. It's always fun to see who will win because most of the time, I know the person because of all their activities in town. This year, two people who I admire a whole lot won. 

The two people that were recognized were two of the first people I met when I started my job here. They are involved in a whole lot of things. Their volunteerism is certainly inspiring and you can't help but be inspired to be a better person. Which brings me to the point of this. 

Next week will be the week of Jennifer's death two years ago. I've mentioned this before but I'm slowly getting my thoughts together for how I will spend this year remembering her. 

Jennifer was much like the two people that were honored last night. If they are asked to do something, they will do it. Jennifer was like that too. All you had to do is ask. I strive each day to be more like Jennifer, to be a better person, but more importantly, a better friend. 

I find myself sitting at home all alone quite often now that Jennifer is gone. The reality is she was really one of a few friends I had. I often hung out with her. I talked to her even more often. It never bothered me she was the only one I had to call or to hang out with, until of course, she was gone. Now, I'm left picking up the pieces and discovering how little I had. 

It's taken me a long time to even want to get back on the wagon and try to form some friendships and start hanging out again. Even the people I've known forever and would hang out with from time to time were hard for me to call. But I've tried and each day, I try a little harder. Life without friends really does suck. 

But anyway, next week, I want to honor Jennifer's memory and remember her in a positive way. I don't want to sit at home and be depressed. I want to do things that would make Jennifer proud. On Monday, I'm going to attempt to give blood. I've never given blood because I am absolutely terrified of needles. They make me feel like I'm going to pass out. But giving blood will be a stepping stone for me and it will be my attempt at giving back. I'm confident that I will not pass out but if I do, there will people there to give me a cookie and revive me, which is awesome because I love cookies! 

I haven't planned much more of my week yet. Initially, I was going to get the scholarship thing going but that woman still has not called me back, which is really testing my patience. I'll probably email her again. I'm not letting this slip under the rug again. This will be done this year. 

I do have a girl's night planned on Wednesday night with three of my cousins. I used to tell Jennifer and a couple of other girls that when we grew up I wanted us to have a girl's night once a week. My aunt does it with like 5 of her girlfriends every single week. There used to be like 10 girls that met but some moved or faded out or whatever. I decided that I thought that was the coolest thing ever and I vowed my friends would do that too when we got older. We never did although I talked about it a lot with Jennifer. I guess life got in the way and before we knew it, we were in our mid-20's and always had an excuse or something else to do. Now, it's too late, at least for Jennifer. I hope to find a way to still do it, even if it is with my cousins. They are, actually, like my best friends and I love hanging out with them. 

Last year on the one-year anniversary of Jennifer's death, I went to a tattoo parlor with a friend to get a tattoo designed to remember Jennifer. We had every intention of getting the tattoos done but the stupid dude never called us back. I'm still debating whether or not to do it this year. If so, I'm not sure I'll do it on Jennifer's anniversary because I'm still not sure what I want. In middle or high school, I gave Jennifer half of a best friend heart. After she died, I found it so I thought I could get a tattoo of something like that, maybe with one half of the heart with angel wings on it flying up or something. I'm not 100% sure though. I'm still thinking about it. It's a pretty big decision. 

I just want to make sure I don't spend this year all depressed about losing Jennifer but instead focus on making my life better because of her death. I want to remember Jennifer but not mourn her anymore. 

Women of Faith and updates

I have officially signed up for the Women of Faith Conference which is in November. It's in Greensboro and I'm semi-excited. I think it'll do me some good to good and it'll give me something to look forward to. I've had a lot of issues with faith over the past few years but through it all, I'm still here and I'm still trying hard to keep my faith alive. And although I am not perfect and still have a lot of work to do, I worry about my husband and if he will ever find what he is looking for. 

In other fun and exciting news, the snow is slowly melting away and there's rumors the sun will come out and cause some warmth in our area. I'm excited!! I'm so ready for warm weather to come although I'm not ready for all the allergies and stuff that come with it. I guess you can't have it all. 

And here's an update on my diet: What diet?? Yeah that's pretty much it. It lasted maybe 3 weeks but I have not given up yet. I did really, really good and I'm not sure what happened. I think it was the lack of caffeine. I just couldn't do it. So I'm going to try another method that involves more working out and less worrying about caffeine intake at the moment. 

My other resolutions are going pretty well, I think. I'm getting my head back into the game and trying to be a more productive person. I feel good right now and hope I can continue meeting my goals. 

Snow day and Scholarships

It's been snowing off and on today, which is kind of a rare treat for folks here in Eastern North Carolina. And of course, as is tradition, most everything is shut down, with the exception of course of the newspaper because it always seems to snow on Monday and Tuesday, days that I absolutely cannot miss, no matter what. But I made it here okay and am hoping to make it home just as safely. 

But in other fun news, I did manage to make a little progress on Jennifer's scholarship stuff. I've fought within myself about putting together a scholarship for Jennifer at ECU. It would be in the ECU music department. I got the idea right after she died but have had trouble wrapping my mind around the reality of actually doing it. But it's a great way to honor Jennifer so I've finally got the first draft of my letter done. Now, I'm waiting to hear back from the woman at ECU who is supposed to provide me some info on how to go about getting money and everything. I don't want to have thousands of dollars just laying around before I know where to put it. I emailed her last week. I'm a little worried since I have not heard from her yet. I just need to keep my mind focused and get this done, no matter what. I think Jennifer would have liked to have something like this so it's my way of honoring and remembering her. 

Almost March....

It's hard to believe February is just about over but honestly, I'm thrilled. It's been touch and go for Allen and for the past few months and March was *hopefully* the month we'd get back on track with everything. Thanks to our tax refunds I'm hoping that remains true. 

But even as February ends, it means March begins which for the past two years has not been the greatest month for me. Jennifer died on March 12, 2007. It's a day that I relive not only on the anniversary but several times a year. I suppose the pending day is why I've been so down lately. 

In January of 2007, Allen and I bought our first home. It was the most exciting, and stressful, time for us and I am so thankful Jennifer was there to share it with us. I wish I had known two months later, I'd lose her. I would have enjoyed those two months a whole lot more. 

We had very little offers of help with the whole moving process. Allen and I initially decided to take the task on alone, with some help from our parents. But Jennifer and Jeff quickly volunteered to help. They were really the only ones. Jennifer was crazy into Al, her horse at the time, so we kinda planned our moving schedule around her horse time. She had gotten into this training thing with him and was so excited about it. But after she got done, she came on over and helped us pack and load boxes. She never complained about how tired she was.

On one of our trips to our new home, which was about an hour from our old home, Jennifer and I rode together in Jeff's Explorer while Allen and Jeff rode in Jennifer's SUV. On the way over, she was so enthralled with the scenery that she almost killed us. She kept running off the road trying to stare. We moved out into a very rural area so it's really beautiful. The one part where I feared for my life was when there were several pastures of horses right after another. I could tell Jennifer noticed it so I told her to pull over right as we got to that. I'll drive, I told her, so you can stare at everything. It was funny and we laughed the whole way there. I was so excited to have a new home but Jennifer was just as excited. That's how she was. 

Our house has gas heat and it was pretty cold in our new home and we hadn't gotten the gas hooked up yet so our house was freezing cold. On another trip, Jennifer insisted on going to Lowe's so she could buy us a little piece to fit under our door, which would keep the air out. They happened to have heaters on sale as well so we looked at those and I ended up getting one. Jennifer tried to pay for everything, saying it was our house warming present but I kept insisting that she didn't. In the end, we agreed to split the cost of the heater. 

And on another trip, we took a break and walked around outside so that we could take in the scenery. Our home is surrounded by pasture. It's very peaceful. In one of the pastures is a cow fence that wasn't being used. Jennifer kept looking at it swearing it would be the perfect fence for her horse. She kept telling me to go steal it for her. Then she worked on Allen. In the end, we didn't steal it for her although I doubt she really wanted us to. Or maybe she did. That's how Jennifer was. After she died, I told myself that I should have stolen that fence for her. And now, every time I walk in my yard, I see the fence in the same place it was two years ago and I think of Jennifer. 

There's tons of things I'll regret with Jennifer. I regret the fact that I wasn't as good a friend to her as she was to me. I regret I didn't go to her house that day she had that woman come over to give her ideas for how she could spruce up her home. I regret the fact that for the few months before she died, I was so into everything going on in my life that I didn't take the time to really find out what was going on in hers. And I'll always regret the fact that I didn't get to see her enough before she died, during the time after she broke her leg until the night she died. I worked so much that I couldn't fit time in to see my best friend when she needed me most. I called her often but I couldn't fit her into my schedule. I'm a crappy friend and I will go to my grave regretting not being there for her when I should have been. 

I always take March 12 off from work. I never really have any plans, I just take it off. Last year, I spent half the day in bed and then I went to her grave with another friend. We got Krispy Kreme Donuts, which Jennifer loved and just went there a few minutes to eat our donuts and remember. This year, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'd like to think I'll do something productive with my time but in the end, I know that isn't true. 

Life without Jen

Even though it's been nearly 2 years since she died, there are still days where I feel it was only yesterday. I'm still grieving. I'm still in denial. 

Most days, I'm better. I wake up and go to work and function like a normal person. But then there are the days when reality hits and I realize my best friend in the whole world, the one person I could count on, is no longer here. It's one of those hit-in-the-stomach feelings. 

I swore I 'd be a better person when she died. I swore I'd do all sorts of things. Most of the things I haven't done. Maybe I've become somewhat of a better person but there are still all these things I haven't done. But perhaps the hardest of everything that I've had to deal with is the fact that Jennifer was truly my only friend. She was the only one that would call me just to say hey, the only one that was there for me I needed someone, the only one I could trust with my deepest, darkest secrets. Betrayal is something I've been through with many friends and it's something that's caused me to push people away. I'm not proud of it but my theory was, the less people in my life, the less my chances are of getting hurt. Now, that theory has come back to bite me because I have no one. That's what makes this all so hard. 

If I didn't have a job that kept me so busy, I imagine I'd be pretty screwed up right now. I'd have nothing to keep me busy, nothing to allow me to remind me of my lack of social networking skills. I know lots of people through my job but at the end of the day, we all go home and think nothing of the other. But my job keeps me busy, attending all sorts of events I would otherwise not be interested in. And that helps. But still, at the end of the day, I feel alone. 

I never realized how much Jennifer meant to me until she was gone. As cliche as it may be, it's the truth. I miss her now just as much as I missed her last year and I wonder if that void will ever be filled.

How do you speak to someone about God when you have questions and doubts of your own? 

It's a question I've been asking myself over and over again for the past several months. Still, I have no answer. 

I believe in God. I believe there is this larger power that is in control of our lives. And I also believe there's a darker power that fights with that larger power. A good and an evil if you will. But when your life is full of one bad thing after another, it's hard to have faith in that larger power. Sometimes, I feel like God doesn't care about me or my family. And though I still believe, I don't feel like I am one that can try to talk to my husband about God. 

He's struggled with his faith for years. But lately, I can tell he believes there isn't a God. And if there he one, Allen isn't into Him. It hurts me to see him like that because the little bit of faith is all that's keeping me here. I worry what his lack of faith is doing to his soul. 

He has become the most hateful person I know. Everything bad that's happened in our lives has taken its toll on him and the once sweet, honest man I married is now different. 

I still love him and I always will. I know the real Allen. And he's not different towards me really. He still treats me very well and I know he loves me but I can't stand his attitude toward life anymore. And it hurts not knowing where to turn. I keep trying to push him in the direction of God. I've tried to find someone for him to talk to about things but I don't know if he will. But I don't think our lives will get better until he, until we both, find our faith again.

Been a while...

Okay so my goal was to try to write more this year. And although professionally I have written a whole lot more, I have not had the time or desire to really keep this blog going. But I am trying. 

Last time I wrote I was wondering if it was going to snow. Well it did and I got to stay home and do my work and watch the inauguration. It was nice. I also got to play in the snow with my husband and dogs which was cool too. Of course the snow quickly melted and it was back to life...

Which leads me to the latest. The really isn't anything. I've been working quite a bit and would love a trip to somewhere quiet and nice where I could rest and drink a few beverages. 

However, last week, UNC beat Duke so that was the highlight of not only my week but my month. That's really all that's happened in the past few weeks. Valentines Day came and went but there's really nothing to share there. My husband worked all day long and by the time he got home, we were too tired to do anything. But who cares. Valentines Day is all nice and stuff but my husband is good to me all year long so I prefer to keep it that way. 

I'll try to continue this blog with more thoughtful postings. For now, that's all I have.