Finding God....

So this has been an interesting year. I should have been writing about it but I'm sick of writing. Writing has always been something I loved. It's always been there. Now, it's something I struggle doing. I think I'm just burnt out and the thought of trying to keep a blog is not appealing to me. And really, who cares if I keep a blog or not? 

But anyway, what has happened this year? Well, in a nutshell, I celebrated my 6-year anniversary, almost got divorced, watched Allen find God, watched Allen lose his job again, won my first NC Press award, managed to do two large fundraisers for Jennifer's scholarship, turned 30 and the list goes on and on. I know there's more but I can't think of everything at this point. 

I suppose the divorce thing may be shocking to some. I'd like to think Allen and I seemed happy. I guess you get good at pretending. But the bottom line is, we were both miserable and have been for years. It's not that we didn't love each other but our marriage has been a constant battle. We've faced so much; death, in-laws, moving, unemployment, etc., etc. I guess it's hard to be happy when you've been through so much. And I suppose in the end, we blamed each other for our unhappiness. 

Truly, I don't know what happened. There's that typical saying, "we grew apart." We did, in ways. But in other ways, we didn't try. We just kept living our life and waiting for things to get better. Instead they got worse and then the one thing I never thought would happen to us did. That's when I said enough is enough. 

In the end, neither of us wanted to get divorced. We didn't want to separate. We just wanted to fix it. So, after weeks of talking about ending it, we decided to fix it. We've been together 9 years and neither of us were willing to throw that away without a fight. 

So, through everything, the fights, the begging, the crying, we decided that we should allow God into our marriage a little more. 

It may sound strange. I've always believed in God. Allen goes to church but has always had his doubts. We just weren't the type of christian, church going family we should have been. So I brought that up during the midst of everything and Allen at first didn't like the idea. In Allen's eyes, God was responsible for everything bad that had ever happened to him and to us. But he began to pray and things began to happen. Our marriage began to get better, one day at a time. 

We tried for weeks to get a meeting with our preacher. By the time we were able to meet with him, our marriage was on the mend. The first evening we met with him was the night Allen was saved. It was a strange turn of events. We had went for marriage counseling of sorts and I left with a new husband. 

This wasn't one of those things Allen does just because he thinks it's what I want. He really meant it. For the first time in months, I saw Allen cry over the fear that if we both died that day, we would not end up in the same place. He was terrified of not only losing me in life but losing me in death.

There was an immediate change in Allen. He began to pray and he began to read the Bible. Through that, he became a better husband. I became a better wife. On Father's Day, Allen was baptized and became a member of the church we were married in. 

It's been several months since that day and things are still not perfect. They probably never will be. But we both have faith now that if we keep trying, we'll be able to fix the love and trust that was broken. But we both know it won't be fixed overnight. But we're trying hard. We're going to church more, praying together and trying to communicate with each other more. Maybe by our seven year anniversary, we'll truly have a lot to celebrate.

So I guess out of everything that happened in 2007, my marriage almost coming to a shocking end and my husband becoming a Christian were the two top things. But, of course, there's still 3 months left in 2010. Who knows what can happen between now and then.

Third post in 2010?

So this post marks only my third post in the 2010 year. It's hard to believe that 2010 is almost over and it's also hard to believe I haven't had anything to write about this year. Well, I have, I just haven't been inspired to do so. I'll try to do better. I have 3 months to work on it before 2011. 

Writing has become a pain lately. I just can't sit down and pop out a story anymore. I stare at a blank screen now, enthralled with the blinking dot that just sits in the white space. Maybe it's hypnotizing me? 

Anyway, the most exciting thing going on right this minute, other than Jennifer's scholarship, is the fact that Allen and I are foster parents to a cute little pit bull puppy. I've had this desire to do something to save pits for a while and when I joined a new group, Nash County Animal Shelter Friends, it gave me the chance. It's been a good experience. Abby and Sheba have been a little annoyed but they are coming around. But they've really helped us train this little guy into a sweet puppy. I hope he finds a good home. 

Other than that, the scholarship is still moving along. We just had a bbq chicken plate sale and made around $1,300. So we should be getting close to maybe $8,000? I'd like to have $10,000 before 2011 but not sure if I can pull off anymore fundraisers this year.

Well, my brain is fried so I'll post more later. I need a day to gather my thoughts so I can catch this blog up. 

Turned around and it was August

It sure doesn't seem like the last time I came here was January but apparently it was. I have a lot to update. 

Jennifer's scholarship is moving along now. We held a Craft/Yard Sale in June and though the craft part of it didn't go as planned, we somehow managed to raise over $3,000! I was shocked, still am actually. But now, we have moved beyond the $5,000 required to get this thing official. We'll be having another bbq chicken plate sale in September, at the Bethel Unity Festival. I had decided to skip it this year but we had several requests to do it again so here we are. Last year we brought in between $500-$600. This year, my goal is $1,000. 

The scholarship has given me something to do to occupy my time. I've been rather lonely lately and the tv has been my only companion so this at least gives me something to do. But I have found some other things to occupy my time as well. 

I've started going to a Bible study with my cousin, Amy. It's a women's bible study and it's been interesting. It's focus is on how to have a heart for God. It's been uplifting and a little hard to digest all at the same time. The feminist in me has trouble accepting some of the things it is telling me about my role as a woman and wife. But I'm learning and it's somewhat helping me to be a better wife and person in general. I have a long ways to go though. 

On a slightly depressing note, Allen lost his job again. This is the third time in two years he has been laid off by the same company. I don't think Allen will go back a fourth time. He's found things to do to keep some money rolling in and he's got some plans of things he wants to do. So, I'm going to try and support what he does and see what happens. I can't imagine being laid off this many times is good for anyone's self confidence. I know it hasn't been good for Allen's. He needs to follow his heart and do what makes him happy. I'm willing to let him give it a shot. 

I turned 30 last week. It was an emotional roller coaster for me but I guess I got through it and just like a roller coaster, I was a little sick on my stomach when it was all over. I know I've done okay in my first 30 years but there's so much more I wish I could have accomplished. But I suppose it's never too late. I was fortunate to have people in my life that really tried to make my birthday special this year. 

I am trying hard to put myself back out there so that maybe I can develop some friendships. Since Jennifer died, I've been walking around with this brick wall around my emotions, terrified to let anyone else in. I have a lot of trouble trusting people, which is why Jennifer was my one true friend, the one person I can talk about anything. But then again, there are times I find myself just blabbing to anyone about my personal life and afterwards, I'm wondering what in the world I was thinking. But over the last five months or so, I've really needed a shoulder to cry on. Allen and I have been dealing with some issues that have put our relationship in a bit of a strain. I've found that I have more people than I thought to confide in. I guess it took me going through something hard to realize it. I guess making new friends means accepting the fact that maybe I'm finally getting over Jennifer. There are still times I'm at my desk at work, or sitting at home, and I just break down and cry. It's like I've found out all over again that my best friend is gone. I wonder if I'll always be like that. 

Finally, I just got back from TN. My whole family went and it made me realize how much I miss our family trips. We had a good time but didn't get to do as much as we wanted. There were some adventurous trips I had wanted to take but just couldn't fit it in our schedule. Hopefully, next year we'll do it again. 

I'm sure there's more that's happened over the past 7 months but I'm 30 and my brain just doesn't remember like it used to. As you can tell, my brain is also very scattered. I always hoped this blog would be a little more organized with some direction to it but so far it seems to be pretty random. 

Thinking...

Hard to believe it's 2010. This is the big year, the year I turn the big 3-0. I am NOT excited about that at all. It's not really that I don't want to be 30. It's just that I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this age. I'm so behind in life, I just feel lost. 

Today, I woke up in one of my funks. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to work, I just wanted to hide from the world. I get like that sometimes. It seems to happen more so when I'm home alone. Allen is still staying in Bethel during the week to work on my car and to save gas money so he's home once during the week and then on weekends. But this week, he won't be back until Saturday night so I've been alone three nights now and it's wearing on me. I tend to think too much when I'm alone and for me, that's not a good thing. 

I started the New Year sick and I'm still getting over that. I'm hoping it will go away soon. But other than that, my start to 2010 has been pretty unproductive, except for the lonely thinking I've been doing. 

I hadn't been on in a while, so I decided while I was kinda blah, it would be a good time to write. But now that I'm here, I don't know what to say. My life isn't exactly exciting. So that's it for now. Hopefully, I'll be able to get out of my funk soon. 

Been a while...

Well, I am definitely in disbelief that December is here. I feel like I just posted on this blog but it was in October. I guess it's been a while.

I've just had no desire to write. It's getting harder and harder for me to sit down and craft words into something. It's a scary feeling. It's affecting my job a lot. I sit and stare at the screen for hours trying to write one story when used to, I could pop one out just like that. I don't know what to do about it. 

Anyway, Jennifer's scholarship is at a standstill, again. I don't know what to do about that either. I'm a little disappointed that out of everyone that knew Jennifer and thought the world of her, no one is giving anything to her scholarship fund. I know times are tight but even $20 would be better than nothing and there are some people that I know can afford it. It would really suck for this scholarship not to get anywhere. But I'm determined and I won't give up until the $25,000 is raised. I just need to get my focus back,I guess, and start worrying the crap out of people. I guess that's what it's going to take. 

I've been trying to find a hobby but so far, have not come up with anything. I've been really lonely lately. Allen is never home anymore. A lot of times, I don't even feel like I'm married. He lives away during the week and lately he's been staying some of the weekend too so I see him maybe 3 nights a week. That's not what I signed up for. I am SO happy he's working now but can't deal with this living apart mess for much longer. Hopefully we'll soon work it out. I feel like I've spent more of our married life apart than together. So I've been trying to find things to do to keep my nights occupied and my mind off of the loneliness. I'm trying hard not to fall in a rut and it's hard. I have no one to talk to and that makes it even harder. It's on these lonely nights that I find myself needing a friend and then realize that my one, true friend is gone. It's still hard to fathom. But I can't find anything that interests me enough to stick with it. I've got all this stuff to start scrapbooking but my creative side is just not there. I'm not interested in sewing or knitting or stuff like that. I'm hoping something will come along soon. 

But until then, I've learned to plop myself in front of the tv and stay there until bedtime.

It's hard to believe it's already been almost 3 weeks since the bbq chicken plate sale. Time is flying by way too fast. When I was younger, that was a good thing but now that I'm older, I'm not enjoying time flying by. 

There's plenty more to talk about but for now, I just am not in the mood to write. My writing spirit seems to slowly be disappearing, which is not good considering I write for a living. But I'm hoping it's just that I'm wore out and need a break. I'm supposed be going on vacation in 2 weeks but I'm not actually going anywhere so I really don't have anything to look forward to except being stuck at home bored. But maybe I can at least get some needed rest. 

I have been thinking a lot about the future lately and the leftover dreams I've yet to grab. I've got a lot of soul searching to do, I suppose. But soul searching never goes well for me so I'm putting it off for as long as I can. 

Jennifer's scholarship is finally underway!!!

Well it's finally over. And I have to say, I am exhausted but in a good way. The first fundraiser for Jennifer's scholarship was successful and we raised around $650, which is a great start. I'm still waiting on a few promised checks to roll in so that may bring the total up. 

I admit, things did not go as smoothly as I had hoped but the end result was good. For one, I'm not exactly a leader type. I'm more of a follower than a leader so having to take charge of something is not my cup of tea. Although I tried, I didn't do a good job being a leader and taking charge of things. I wish Allen had been there because he would have helped me out a lot in that department. Things were very unorganized at the beginning but like I said, it all worked out. I'm not a last minute person so all that last minute stuff was really freaking me out. 

But the chicken plates sold out, we got some great comments and things went very well. All in all I'm happy with the support Jennifer's friends and family and especially my family, gave to this cause. I'm such a lucky person to have such a supportive family. Now, it's on to trying to get even more money so we can get the amount needed to actually make this scholarship happen. Lots of fundraising ideas have been thrown around so I'm sure we'll soon be planning for something else. 

In other avenues, Allen finally got a full-time job. I'm so excited for him but on the other hand disappointed it wasn't something he really, really wanted to do. But either way, it'll help us get in a better financial position so he can do what he really wants to do later. The place that laid Allen off in October called him back and he actually started today. He's going to keep his job at Red Lobster for a while so that we can get our debt paid off. His full-time job is in Greenville so that kinda sucks because it's a long drive but hey, it's a job and right now, a job is hard to come by, much less 2 jobs! I'm so proud of everything Allen has done. He has had a rough time over the past few years but I think he's finally getting there and I couldn't be happier.