Almost perfect

So, I'm into my 38th week and I thought I'd end this pregnancy being able to say I had a pretty decent pregnancy. Other than the emotional ups and downs, which really aren't that abnormal for me anyway, the only bad part of my pregnancy has been the first few months where I had the nausea and headaches. I've been sore here and there and have had bad days and have been tired but I haven't had hardly any of the "other stuff" that goes along with pregnancy.

But apparently, I've talked too much about how lucky I've had it because now I'm starting to get some of that "other stuff." My feet and ankles started swelling earlier this week and not just a little bit. They are ginormous and they hurt. And now, I'm starting to get some heartburn too. I've never really had heartburn but let me tell you, that mess hurts. and it makes it very hard to sleep.

Still though, I have 2 weeks to go and I'm going to think positive. I'm going to hope that it won't be this bad the rest of the time. And if a little swelling and SOME heartburn is all I have to deal with, I'll be okay with that.

My problem now is my next few doctor's appointments. I went this week and I was violated a wee bit too much. When he told me he was going to check my cervix, I pictured something totally different than what actually happened. It was the most painful thing ever and my first thought was, if this makes me about cry, I can only imagine what labor will do. But he most definitely found my cervix and I'm pretty sure he found the top of my baby's head. He said I hadn't really dilated much so I should be okay for now. SO, my fears of going this week may be somewhat relieved but still, you never really know when this whole thing is going to happen.

On a happy, not so personal note, the baby's room is 98% done. Allen got the floor in now. All that is left is the wall border, one closet door and the entry door, both of which need to be trimmed. Then, Allen has to finish building a dresser for the closet and get the electrical going. I think that's it. It's all odd end stuff but I'm hoping he'll be done very soon. In the meantime, he's getting ready to start on our bathroom and get that done, hopefully before the baby comes.

I must say, Corbin's room looks amazing! Allen did a great job and I am lucky to have a husband who can do all this work and who wanted to do it. He put his heart and soul into Corbin's room and honestly, I'm a little jealous. Corbin's room is way nicer than our bedroom!!! We have agreed that if Corbin decides to draw or paint on his walls, we will give him a paintbrush and make him repaint the room all by  himself. Allen said that when he was growing up, his punishment was to paint stuff. So he's passing that on to our kid. I guess it's better than a whooping or sending him to his really, nice awesome room!

swollen everything

So my feet started slowly swelling not that long ago and at first it wasn't that noticeable. The doctor checks for swelling at each appointment and I've been lucky in that I have had very little....until recently.

On Monday, I woke up, got dressed for work and when I went to put my shoes on, I couldn't get my feet in them. So, I am now wearing flip flops until Corbin decides to come. Today, my feet are huge. It looks like they got stung by a bee. They are big and ugly. And my rings don't fit either and I have this weird thing about not wearing my wedding rings. It bothers me a lot.

My stomach has suddenly decided to grow a lot too. It's like my body all of a sudden realized I was pregnant. Good thing I only have two more weeks.

I have other things going on but quite frankly, I don't want to talk about them. I just want to go to somewhere and ball up and cry right now. That's just how I feel. And if I weren't such a fat, swollen person, I would probably do it. But I'm not sure I could even form a ball right now. Most of my body already looks like one anyway so maybe I'll just go stand in a corner and cry.

Yep, it's about time to freak out

Ok, so I have an overactive imagination. Sometimes that's been pretty useful in my life. But for the most part, it's been annoying.

So I'm less than 3 weeks away now and after my appointment this week, I'm getting worried that I won't make it to June 8. And I am so not ready for this baby to come.

I'm freaking out, like really freaking out, to the point I feel like crying and throwing a gigantic temper tantrum. I can't remember what I learned in my childbirth class about when I need to go to the hospital because you don't go immediately when you go into labor. They recommend you stay home and they have this code thing, 5-1-1, that tells you when to go to the hospital and I don't remember what that means!

Right this minute, I'm internally freaking out about Allen being gone this weekend because Murphy's Law is that it will happen this weekend. Corbin will get a spanking if he tries to come this weekend and Allen misses him being born! I really didn't think it'd bother me so much for him to be gone. It's only for one night and I know it's a much needed trip for him but now that it's here, I am so scared. I'll probably scare myself right into labor.

The room is still not done. But that's not really that big of a deal. What's worse is that I have not packed my hospital bags, I have not packed Corbin's stuff. I also don't have any of his clothes washed yet, none of his stuff is out yet and his cradle is full of baby stuff. Oh yeah and we still don't have a crib.

Oh yeah and then the actual process of labor is really freaking me out. I don't like doctors and I don't like being half naked in front of people and I don't like pain so I don't think I will like the labor process. And I just find it hard to believe a baby is going to come out of the place it comes out. I just think it's impossible. And now that I know my baby is a big, fat baby, that makes it worse.

So see, I'm freaking out. Really freaking out. I am in the process of having a panic attack just typing this. I don't know what I was thinking but I was not meant to do this labor thing. I just wasn't. It's not in my DNA. I could die or worse, I could live and have the baby and then have to come back and read how ridiculously freaked out I was. Then I'd feel really stupid.

Still a boy, a really big boy

So, I went to the doctor this morning and discovered two things; 1, Corbin is still a boy! and 2, Corbin looks like a sumo wrestler.

Now, I would have bet my life that my little boy wasn't a fat baby, that he was just long legged. The first ultrasounds we had showed that he was really long. He had his daddy's legs, his daddy's nose, etc, etc. He truly looked like Allen. And even though that was months ago, I never imagined he could change so much! So today, when they pulled up the ultrasound and there was this fat little face staring back at me, I was shocked!! I couldn't really tell if he's still long legged because he was scrunched up and I never got a full profile view of him but his face definitely caught up with the big nose he had! Now he has a little, cute nose and a big face!

I still love him though, even if he may kill me during labor.

Seriously, Corbin is still a healthy little boy. The doctor said he's just measuring a little big. But, he said I have a lot more amniotic fluid around him that typical so that could make him measure larger. But looking at him, I don't think so. I think I just have me a big ole, fat, healthy baby! The doctor said he is 7 pounds and 12 ounces and with 3 more weeks to go and the potential to gain half a pound a week, he could get pretty close to 9 pounds! Oh my!

But the first thing that crossed my mind when we first saw his face was that he looked like my dad. Allen thought so too because that's the first thing he said. But after the initial shock, which was like hours later, we started to look closer and we can sort of see both of us in him. But we still see my dad! My dad was a chunky little boy, a miniature sumo wrestler. My dad is still a big fella today and well, Corbin's mom isn't exactly model material. But MAN, I was hoping Corbin got his dad's tall and skinny genes. There's still a chance. I mean, he's a baby and most baby's are chunky. All they do is eat and sleep! But poor Corbin, Allen is going to be forcing him to crawl at just a few weeks old to ensure he's active. I can see it now! Poor Corbin, my big ole baby boy.

Priorities

Sometimes in life, you just have to sit down and weigh your options, really, truly weigh them. Sometimes, that means you may need to make a chart, make a list, talk it out, argue it out, whatever it takes to find out what is best for you and your family.

I've done all that and I still don't know.

I've prayed and waited for God to show me the way but I just can't seem to hear Him. Why can't He speak louder, so those clueless, less spiritual people, like myself, can hear. It would make things so much easier.

We're 3 weeks away from the big day. Of course, that could be more and it could be less. It really depends on when Corbin is ready to come but regardless he will be here soon and we still don't know what to do.

We were set on the theory that Allen would stay home with the baby and we would work hard to get his martial arts business going. He'd still work part-time. That would give him the flexibility to be home more and be able to be home with Corbin as he grows. But the truth is, financially, I don't think we can do it. We're struggling now. I can't imagine bringing a baby in the mix. Allen's looked for jobs. Full-time, part-time, one-time, everything in between. He can't find anything. But now, he has an opportunity to get a full-time job with good pay. The problem is, it's not a very stable company and it's over an hour away. Is it worth it?

We've looked at the cons; lots of gas expenses to drive that far, add on a daycare bill plus gas for me to drive back and forth for the dogs. That would take a chunk out of his paycheck. Then there's the fact Allen will be over an hour away if something were to happen. He'd miss out on a lot being so far away. The pros: good pay, a decent job (if there are no more layoffs) and well, that's about it.

The cons clearly outweigh the benefits.

It's important to both me and Allen that Corbin has one of us home with him. We knew going into this it may not happen but we also knew there was a chance it would. And yeah, it's been hard on me knowing I won't be that person to stay home but at the same time, I'm proud that my husband is willing to do it. He truly wants to be home with Corbin. It's hard on me also knowing that I'm going to have to provide for my family. And it will kill me to see that I can't provide for them in a way I want to.

But somehow, Allen and I have managed to get by all these years. I suppose will continue to manage.

It's all about priorities and our priority is ensuring Corbin has his parents around.

Allen didn't have that. His dad worked so much he never got to see him. And his parents didn't come to all his special events. My dad did. He came to everything and both Allen and I want to be able to do the same for Corbin. We want to be there. Sometimes, just being there means more than anything else.

So we're stuck with this decision. And we've both tried to turn to God to give us the answer but we can't seem to see what He's telling us. I hope we make the right decision and I hope it works out for the best, for all of us.

Monster baby

So, I have a headache. It's called a stress headache. I get them when I get worried about something, like obsessively worried. So what am I worried about? Giving birth to a gigantic, monster baby.

Yes, a monster baby.

Childbirth frightens me anyway. I still find it hard to believe a woman's body can do the whole childbirth thing but women do it everyday and that's what has gotten me by. But now, I'm 4 weeks away from trying this childbirth thing for myself and I find out I have a giant baby.

Today was my last doctor's appointment before I start going every, single week. And today, they had to do some of their typical testing to ensure I don't have anything I can pass on to the baby. So I went to the doctor a little freaked out anyway because I don't like to be touched or groped by doctors. Prior to the uncomfortable testing, the lady, who was really nice by the way, feels my stomach and measures it. She's feeling to see if she can feel where the baby is. Then she asks Allen and I how big we were when we were born. Allen said he was like 8 pounds and 21 inches long. I couldn't remember so I told her I didn't know. Well, then the lady said that my little Corbin seems to be mighty big, adding that I have 4 weeks left for him to grow some. She decides that at my next appointment, we'll get an ultrasound done so we can just how big he is. He could just be the position he was in, she said, but they'll do an ultrasound to be sure. I was in such shock, I failed to ask what exactly him being big meant. Obviously, to me, being big means a lot of pain for me!

Now, I'm worried. I probably shouldn't be but I am. The doctor isn't going to tell me she's worried about his size and worried something is wrong so I wonder if there's something wrong. But even still, if he's a big ole monster baby, then I am in for a fun filled time of pushing this little baby out. And of course, this was all done AFTER I told her I wanted to try to give birth WITHOUT MEDICATIONS!!!! OH good Lord, imagine, giving birth to a gorilla without being drugged up. What was I thinking!?!?

So now, I'm freaking out about how big this little boy is inside of me. I'm excited that I get another ultrasound though because I get to see my little baby but at the same time, if he's ginormous, I may cry, like seriously cry.

My thoughts are that he's really not big in weight per say, but he's actually just really long. Our first ultrasounds, which were done in February, showed he had really long legs so I imagine that's still the case. He probably just has long legs and because of that, he's stretched out in my belly, from the bottom of my bladder to the very tip top of my rib cage. So it is very possible that he's not BIG, he's just tall, like his daddy and his granddaddy.

But nonetheless, I have a headache thinking about how horrible childbirth could be if I had to give birth to a sumo wrestler baby. That would not be a good first-time experience for me and it may cause me to say, "no more kids ever!" and that sucks because we do want at least one more!

OH well, I can't go back now so I better get used to it and get ready because if he is a big and tall baby, in another week or so, his foot could be coming out of my  nose.

Another twist, another turn

Just when I accept one part of my fate, something happens and I have to readjust. But it's all good. Things will work out as God intends and I'm just going to let it happen as it happens. It's going to be hard because I'm a planner and don't like surprises but I can't plan everything and I accept that.

On another note, I only have 4 more weeks before the baby comes! Holy tornado! I'll be a momma in 4 weeks. What the heck am I gonna do? The baby's room isn't done still but God willing, it will be soon, VERY SOON I HOPE. I mean, we only have 4 more weeks.

I have 3 showers over the next week. Saturday, my momma is throwing us a shower. It's a little awkward since our relationship has just begun but I'm happy she's trying to hard to make up for lost time. I still have trouble looking at her as my momma and I probably always will but I think eventually, our relationship will be a little better and I'll be able to somewhat forgive her for the 28 years she wasn't around. It's complicated and I know my dad and grandmother, or any of my family for that matter, may not understand but I have this bitter hatred in my heart and I believe God wants me to forgive her and move on and I can't do that without having a relationship with her. But she will never take my dad's place or my grandma's place. They are my parents and they always will be. I never thought I'd see the day where we even had a relationship so I'm grateful that God has came into her heart and touched it and made her a better person. And I hope he continues to teach me how to forgive.

My BPW group is throwing me a shower on Monday, at least I think. I got an email saying they were. And my work is throwing me one on Friday. I'm touched so many people want to share in this experience. I've had so many people ask about the baby when I'm out and about and there have even been some who have brought presents.

One lady that I had met only once hand knitted Corbin a little blue blanket. It's really nice and I was so touched that she took the time to do it. Another lady bought Corbin a bunch of outfits. And then someone else I know through work gave me a bunch of stuff that she had with her babies, even a really nice stroller carseat combo. I really am humbled that so many people have been so sweet to Allen and I. We need all the help we can get! I am so appreciative for everything; the gifts, the well wishes, everything! It makes me so glad I live in such a great place and work with such great, caring people.