My heart has been kind of aching the last week or so. I feel like crawling in my bed and just crying my eyeballs out. I hate when I think about things.
I guess it's the time of year. There's so much going on and I'm super stressed and when I'm like this I want to call my best friend. But she doesn't answer her phone because she's not here.
People lose someone they love everyday. Maybe that's why I'm like I am. I've had to see people I know lose someone they love a lot lately and it reminds me of that feeling I felt on March 12, 2007, that night I got the phone call that I had lost my best friend in the world, just like that, with no warning, no signs and no time to say goodbye. It's the worst feeling in the world and I'm so scared that God is going to make me feel it again. I know he will but I just hope it's not anytime soon.
I can't believe I miss her so much after all this time. Four years and here I am, still crying over it. It's not like crying is going to bring her back. But damn, I miss that crazy girl.
Having Corbin has made it that much harder. Jennifer would have loved that little boy. She would have made him laugh each and every time she saw him, he would have made her laugh too. I can hear her telling me now how blessed I am. "Girl, you did good," that's what she'd say to me.
I just don't understand what makes me get in these weird little funks.
Recently, Bethel (where I am from) lost a young lady to cancer. She'd been fighting for years and she was so strong. She was the most faithful person in the world. Her momma babysat me many years ago. She died of cancer too. And so did this girl's baby brother. What a horrific thing this family has had to go through. But how inspiring to see their faith through all of this. The whole town knew this girl. She was that type of person. She passed away on Christmas Eve. It made me sad to think what this family has been through and it reminded me of the pain Jennifer's parents have experienced the past few years.
My boss also lost her mother recently to cancer. It was so painful to watch someone you care about have to go through that. It's not something you wish on anyway.
And then there's Hannah. She's 10 or 11 years old. She's Allen niece, well my niece, too, I suppose. She's something else. She was in our wedding when she was 3. She's had a tough life. She was born with extreme heart problems. She's had 2 surgeries already and she's had a pacemaker put in. In around 2 weeks, she'll have another surgery. It's a risky surgery and I don't know, I guess I'm thinking about the worst case scenario. There's something about this little girl. She's so sweet and she's always been so nice to me. She's always came up to me and hugged me and tried to get me to play with her doll baby's and me, being the weirdo that I am, was always freaked out by her. Kids freak me out, remember, so when she'd come jump on my lap and put her arms around me, I'd sit there, frozen and just not have a clue what to do! But she still does it. At Christmas, her little self walked up behind me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I'm getting better now that she's older so I just put my hands on her and said, "hey girl, what's up?" But all through the night, I watched her and wondered what she was thinking, if she was scared about her pending surgery. I'm scared for her.
So, maybe these things are what's keeping me all teary-eyed lately. But maybe I'm just crazy.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Goals and a New Year
Christmas is over! YES! I'm both happy and sad over this! Happy because Christmas is stressful and no matter how much I plan to not stress over gift giving and instead focus on the true meaning, I wind up being stressed out anyway. But I'm sad because Corbin's first Christmas is over.
This child is growing up too fast.
He's holding his own bottle now, rolling over, pulling himself up in his crib, drinking juice and just growing! I'm thankful he's such a healthy little boy but good grief, I feel like every time I blink, he grows.
But anyway we had a great Christmas. Allen and I are blessed. We got our Christmas present early (Corbin) so we had no expectations for this year. We just wanted to see our little man take it all in. He unwrapped most of his presents by himself and by the end, he was really good at it. He got that part down. We also tried to read to him some Bible Christmas stories so we could get a good start on teaching him the true meaning.
All the people and parties and stuff overwhelmed him at times but he did pretty good, I think.
Now, it's New Years. It's the time for me to focus on all the stuff I want to do in 2012 and all the stuff I didn't do in 2011.
So, I need to lose weight. Duh. I'm a woman so that, of course, is going to be on the list. I have to make it happen this year. I hate looking into the mirror. It's like there are 4 of me in there. When did I get to be such a giant person?
Organization is on my list too. Don't know how that will happen but I'm determined that in 2012 I will get more organized and I will finally have Corbin's baby book thing done.
I gotta get back into writing. I used to love writing. Now, I do it for a living and though I do love my job, I have no more brainpower left after I get a newspaper out each week. But I want to start writing more. It makes me happy. It gets me thinking. It helps me express myself. And even though no one reads this blog but me, I plan to start writing more in it.
I also want to start reading more. I have no time for book reading anymore. Well maybe I do, I am just not managing my time correctly. When I have free time, I am sitting on my butt playing on my phone (Facebook and Scrabble) so I need to divert that free time to reading. I want to read more than just novels and fun stuff. I want to read things that will give me knowledge, you know those pesky books you are forced to read in school so when you get out, you swear to never touch them again.
This is just part of my list. There's more. I just have to figure it out....and organize it. So, maybe by next year, I'll have it up here.
This child is growing up too fast.
He's holding his own bottle now, rolling over, pulling himself up in his crib, drinking juice and just growing! I'm thankful he's such a healthy little boy but good grief, I feel like every time I blink, he grows.
But anyway we had a great Christmas. Allen and I are blessed. We got our Christmas present early (Corbin) so we had no expectations for this year. We just wanted to see our little man take it all in. He unwrapped most of his presents by himself and by the end, he was really good at it. He got that part down. We also tried to read to him some Bible Christmas stories so we could get a good start on teaching him the true meaning.
All the people and parties and stuff overwhelmed him at times but he did pretty good, I think.
Now, it's New Years. It's the time for me to focus on all the stuff I want to do in 2012 and all the stuff I didn't do in 2011.
So, I need to lose weight. Duh. I'm a woman so that, of course, is going to be on the list. I have to make it happen this year. I hate looking into the mirror. It's like there are 4 of me in there. When did I get to be such a giant person?
Organization is on my list too. Don't know how that will happen but I'm determined that in 2012 I will get more organized and I will finally have Corbin's baby book thing done.
I gotta get back into writing. I used to love writing. Now, I do it for a living and though I do love my job, I have no more brainpower left after I get a newspaper out each week. But I want to start writing more. It makes me happy. It gets me thinking. It helps me express myself. And even though no one reads this blog but me, I plan to start writing more in it.
I also want to start reading more. I have no time for book reading anymore. Well maybe I do, I am just not managing my time correctly. When I have free time, I am sitting on my butt playing on my phone (Facebook and Scrabble) so I need to divert that free time to reading. I want to read more than just novels and fun stuff. I want to read things that will give me knowledge, you know those pesky books you are forced to read in school so when you get out, you swear to never touch them again.
This is just part of my list. There's more. I just have to figure it out....and organize it. So, maybe by next year, I'll have it up here.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I am woman, hear me roar.
So maybe I'm not cut out for this whole wife and mother thing after all? I mean, it's a pretty stressful job and lately, I feel like I really suck at it.
I come home at night with Corbin and Allen is working. I try to play with him, feed him, bathe him and get him to bed and then I have to get the house clean. In between all that, I'm trying to pay some attention to my dogs. And this is after working all day long. Most of the time, the house doesn't get clean. Many times, I have to skip bathe time with Corbin because I run out of time and energy. So in the end, most of the stuff that needs to get done doesn't get done and I'm left with an even longer list for the next day. It's never ending and in the end, I'm not really getting to spend quality time with Corbin.
I've been super stressed lately. I guess I'm nervous about our first Christmas with Corbin. I'm nervous we'll forget something, I'm nervous the in-laws will create drama and ruin our first Christmas just like they've ruined everything else special that's happened in our lives (including the birth of Corbin).
And now, to add to the craziness, I have a stinking puppy in my house. My dad's dog died. It was unexpected and my dad was really bummed about it. It takes a lot to make him cry and that dog dying on him made him cry. So I set out to convince him to get another dog, a different breed of dog. I must have been crazy when I found this cute little lab mix puppy as I was interviewing a local vet here because I worked hard to convince my dad that this dog was "the one." She was sweet, she was a lab, she was a rescue. I even offered to keep her for a few weeks until my dad's new house was finished and so Allen and I could help get her trained. My dad didn't really want a puppy. He wanted a grown dog but I convinced him that a puppy could grow up with Corbin, would be easier to socialize with my dogs, etc, etc. So when my dad came to look at the puppy, he decided that I was right and got him...that day! And that day, I took the dog home. I was by myself that night. So I had a baby, a puppy and two six-year-old pit bulls to deal with!
My dogs are pretty laid back. They love kids, love people, love other animals. Now, one of my girls doesn't like other animals. She will behave herself and deal with them but she doesn't like to be messed with. So when I brought the puppy in, she ran up to it, wagging her tail, said hello and then was like, "ok I've met you, now leave me alone." But Abby, Abby is the perfect dog. She truly loves everything. She is the reason our foster puppy did so well. She helped us train him and played with him and took him under her wing. She's sort of done the same with this puppy but you can tell she's not happy about it. She's got this look that is so pitiful, like "you already brought a baby home, do we really need a puppy?"
But, I got myself into this mess. And in the end, it'll be worth it. My dad will have a semi-trained dog and he will have a friend to come home to at night. This puppy is just temporary. And when she leaves, I'll just go back to trying to figure out how to be a wife, mother and career person without going insane. They say God built women to handle all this stuff but really?
I come home at night with Corbin and Allen is working. I try to play with him, feed him, bathe him and get him to bed and then I have to get the house clean. In between all that, I'm trying to pay some attention to my dogs. And this is after working all day long. Most of the time, the house doesn't get clean. Many times, I have to skip bathe time with Corbin because I run out of time and energy. So in the end, most of the stuff that needs to get done doesn't get done and I'm left with an even longer list for the next day. It's never ending and in the end, I'm not really getting to spend quality time with Corbin.
I've been super stressed lately. I guess I'm nervous about our first Christmas with Corbin. I'm nervous we'll forget something, I'm nervous the in-laws will create drama and ruin our first Christmas just like they've ruined everything else special that's happened in our lives (including the birth of Corbin).
And now, to add to the craziness, I have a stinking puppy in my house. My dad's dog died. It was unexpected and my dad was really bummed about it. It takes a lot to make him cry and that dog dying on him made him cry. So I set out to convince him to get another dog, a different breed of dog. I must have been crazy when I found this cute little lab mix puppy as I was interviewing a local vet here because I worked hard to convince my dad that this dog was "the one." She was sweet, she was a lab, she was a rescue. I even offered to keep her for a few weeks until my dad's new house was finished and so Allen and I could help get her trained. My dad didn't really want a puppy. He wanted a grown dog but I convinced him that a puppy could grow up with Corbin, would be easier to socialize with my dogs, etc, etc. So when my dad came to look at the puppy, he decided that I was right and got him...that day! And that day, I took the dog home. I was by myself that night. So I had a baby, a puppy and two six-year-old pit bulls to deal with!
My dogs are pretty laid back. They love kids, love people, love other animals. Now, one of my girls doesn't like other animals. She will behave herself and deal with them but she doesn't like to be messed with. So when I brought the puppy in, she ran up to it, wagging her tail, said hello and then was like, "ok I've met you, now leave me alone." But Abby, Abby is the perfect dog. She truly loves everything. She is the reason our foster puppy did so well. She helped us train him and played with him and took him under her wing. She's sort of done the same with this puppy but you can tell she's not happy about it. She's got this look that is so pitiful, like "you already brought a baby home, do we really need a puppy?"
But, I got myself into this mess. And in the end, it'll be worth it. My dad will have a semi-trained dog and he will have a friend to come home to at night. This puppy is just temporary. And when she leaves, I'll just go back to trying to figure out how to be a wife, mother and career person without going insane. They say God built women to handle all this stuff but really?
Monday, November 28, 2011
No title necessary
I haven't been on this blog thing in a while. I suppose I've had plenty to say but I've been to dag-on busy to say it. And now that I'm here to say it, I have forgotten.
Little Corbin is rapidly turning into big Corbin. He's growing so fast and it makes me happy and sad all at the same time.
Corbin is now eating real food, well at least some. He still has to do the baby food thing because he doesn't have teeth but boy does he go crazy when we eat so we finally shared. Thanksgiving was like Heaven for Corbin. He got to try mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, blueberry yum yum and even a little sweat tea. Now, he's like a crazy person when it comes to food. He wants to try everything we try. He also has a fascination with drink bottles. When I drink water, I'll let him try it and he'll put his whole mouth over the water bottle and drink and then he'll choke. So I finally got him a sippy cup and boy, was he excited about that! I'm thinking soon, he will stop using bottles, just as soon as he learns how to hold them by himself.
The other exciting news is that Allen is now working 3 jobs! He has 2 part-time and 1 semi-full-time job. It's about to kill him but he's doing it and we're trying hard to pay off some debt and save up for his business. One of the part-time jobs will end at the end of the year so hopefully we'll be able to get where we need to be in the meantime.
As for me, I'm still trying to figure things out. I can't get organized still and it still drives me nuts. GRR. Oh well, I guess I can add that to my list of "things to do in 2012"....again.
Little Corbin is rapidly turning into big Corbin. He's growing so fast and it makes me happy and sad all at the same time.
Corbin is now eating real food, well at least some. He still has to do the baby food thing because he doesn't have teeth but boy does he go crazy when we eat so we finally shared. Thanksgiving was like Heaven for Corbin. He got to try mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie, blueberry yum yum and even a little sweat tea. Now, he's like a crazy person when it comes to food. He wants to try everything we try. He also has a fascination with drink bottles. When I drink water, I'll let him try it and he'll put his whole mouth over the water bottle and drink and then he'll choke. So I finally got him a sippy cup and boy, was he excited about that! I'm thinking soon, he will stop using bottles, just as soon as he learns how to hold them by himself.
The other exciting news is that Allen is now working 3 jobs! He has 2 part-time and 1 semi-full-time job. It's about to kill him but he's doing it and we're trying hard to pay off some debt and save up for his business. One of the part-time jobs will end at the end of the year so hopefully we'll be able to get where we need to be in the meantime.
As for me, I'm still trying to figure things out. I can't get organized still and it still drives me nuts. GRR. Oh well, I guess I can add that to my list of "things to do in 2012"....again.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Organization
So, I'm not a very organized person. I really, really, really want to be. I want to have systems of where stuff is but I just have no organizational skills. At work, I have my stuff in piles. I have my file cabinet at work somewhat organized but it still doesn't seem to be done the most efficient way.
Now, I have a baby and this whole being unorganized thing is really bothering me. His room is so scattered. Things just aren't where they need to be and I have no method or knowledge of how to fix it. I need to hire an organizational person to help me!
I'm also not doing a good job at this savoring the memories deal. With a baby, you want to take lots of pictures. You'd think with my job, I'd do a great job of that but I don't. I just don't take enough pictures and when I do take pictures I just save them on my computer and never do anything with them. I still haven't organized my pictures from my wedding and that was over 7 years ago! So when Corbin is older I'll have pictures but will have no idea how old he was or what he was doing. And, the pictures won't be in albums. I want so badly to do a little scrapbook for him. I have the scrapbook, I have all the little things to put in it, I just need to do it!
And that is my rant for the day.
Now, I have a baby and this whole being unorganized thing is really bothering me. His room is so scattered. Things just aren't where they need to be and I have no method or knowledge of how to fix it. I need to hire an organizational person to help me!
I'm also not doing a good job at this savoring the memories deal. With a baby, you want to take lots of pictures. You'd think with my job, I'd do a great job of that but I don't. I just don't take enough pictures and when I do take pictures I just save them on my computer and never do anything with them. I still haven't organized my pictures from my wedding and that was over 7 years ago! So when Corbin is older I'll have pictures but will have no idea how old he was or what he was doing. And, the pictures won't be in albums. I want so badly to do a little scrapbook for him. I have the scrapbook, I have all the little things to put in it, I just need to do it!
And that is my rant for the day.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Weekend to remember
So this past weekend was a great one, possibly the first great weekend I've truly had in a long time. It was a weekend of nothing but fun stuff!
On Saturday, Allen was recruited to work with my cousin's husband on a side job he had gotten. So me and Corbin decided to head up to the Raleigh area and spend the day with her. We spent the day shopping and just hanging out. We had Corbin and I was worried it would be a very stressful day, taking a baby shopping but in the end, Corbin was a perfect little angel. I am so blessed to have such a good baby. He's happy in pretty much any environment. As long as he gets food when he's hungry and changed when he's got a dirty diaper, he's a happy little boy! And if Corbin's happy, I'm happy! We went to the Farmer's Market in Raleigh and then just went shopping. I finally got my hair cut too!
On Sunday, we went to church in Nashville. We went to a church that we've been to once before and we both liked it. They have a good mix of folks there. We're looking for something that doesn't just meet on Sunday and Wednesday. We want a church with a good children's ministry but also other ministries that can help Allen and myself. Allen thinks this is the church he wants to go to. I like it too but there's one or two more churches I'd like to try first. But, we agreed that we'd go here consistently for a few weeks and then maybe try another church.
The message yesterday was really good and it gave me a lot to think about.
After church, we had lunch and then Allen and I had to go shopping to run some errands. It took a while to do our errands but we finally made it home, we rested a bit and then we packed up the dogs and Corbin and went to Medoc Mountain State Park to go on a short hike.
The dogs have been so neglected the past 5 months. They've been good sports though so we decided we'd do something special for them. They used to be the center of attention and now, it's Corbin so I know it's been a difficult transition for them but they have been great. They are a part of our family too and once Corbin is older, we plan to take the dogs with us a lot of places. So, we decided to go the park and see how they did. They did okay. They are fairly well behaved dogs. Allen is very strict on them and he disciplines them a lot. Because they are pit bulls, we have to be extra strict because, well, people are stupid. Just looking at our dogs freaks people out. So, we have to make sure they behave in public because it's our responsibility to show people the true pit bull. We have some work to do with our dogs. They aren't but they are very curious and they get super excited when they see other people and other animals and of course, they're excitement to other people looks like viciousness. So, we have to socialize them a little better. But during our hike, they did good. Allen had Corbin in one of those little kangaroo packs and he took Abby. And I carried a backpack and handled Sheba. We had a good walk and the girls seemed to enjoy it. I wish we could make our trips to Medoc Mountain a routine Sunday thing!!
These are the type of weekends I love, weekends of just laying back and hanging out with my family. They remind me of how lucky I am to have such a great family!
On Saturday, Allen was recruited to work with my cousin's husband on a side job he had gotten. So me and Corbin decided to head up to the Raleigh area and spend the day with her. We spent the day shopping and just hanging out. We had Corbin and I was worried it would be a very stressful day, taking a baby shopping but in the end, Corbin was a perfect little angel. I am so blessed to have such a good baby. He's happy in pretty much any environment. As long as he gets food when he's hungry and changed when he's got a dirty diaper, he's a happy little boy! And if Corbin's happy, I'm happy! We went to the Farmer's Market in Raleigh and then just went shopping. I finally got my hair cut too!
On Sunday, we went to church in Nashville. We went to a church that we've been to once before and we both liked it. They have a good mix of folks there. We're looking for something that doesn't just meet on Sunday and Wednesday. We want a church with a good children's ministry but also other ministries that can help Allen and myself. Allen thinks this is the church he wants to go to. I like it too but there's one or two more churches I'd like to try first. But, we agreed that we'd go here consistently for a few weeks and then maybe try another church.
The message yesterday was really good and it gave me a lot to think about.
After church, we had lunch and then Allen and I had to go shopping to run some errands. It took a while to do our errands but we finally made it home, we rested a bit and then we packed up the dogs and Corbin and went to Medoc Mountain State Park to go on a short hike.
The dogs have been so neglected the past 5 months. They've been good sports though so we decided we'd do something special for them. They used to be the center of attention and now, it's Corbin so I know it's been a difficult transition for them but they have been great. They are a part of our family too and once Corbin is older, we plan to take the dogs with us a lot of places. So, we decided to go the park and see how they did. They did okay. They are fairly well behaved dogs. Allen is very strict on them and he disciplines them a lot. Because they are pit bulls, we have to be extra strict because, well, people are stupid. Just looking at our dogs freaks people out. So, we have to make sure they behave in public because it's our responsibility to show people the true pit bull. We have some work to do with our dogs. They aren't but they are very curious and they get super excited when they see other people and other animals and of course, they're excitement to other people looks like viciousness. So, we have to socialize them a little better. But during our hike, they did good. Allen had Corbin in one of those little kangaroo packs and he took Abby. And I carried a backpack and handled Sheba. We had a good walk and the girls seemed to enjoy it. I wish we could make our trips to Medoc Mountain a routine Sunday thing!!
These are the type of weekends I love, weekends of just laying back and hanging out with my family. They remind me of how lucky I am to have such a great family!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Stinking technology.
I feel very technology illiterate on this blog. I can't figure out how to do links and add photos and stuff like that. And it's very frustrating!
Just recently I discovered people had commented on my blog and I never knew it until I just happened to come across it. And, I've made comments on other blogs and they disappear. So, are these people deleting my comments or am I crazy?
Anyway, I'm at the end of my rope with this whole blogging thing. I want my blog to be all pretty and stuff but I can't figure out how to do it! Grrr, stinking blog, making me feel all stupid and stuff!
Just recently I discovered people had commented on my blog and I never knew it until I just happened to come across it. And, I've made comments on other blogs and they disappear. So, are these people deleting my comments or am I crazy?
Anyway, I'm at the end of my rope with this whole blogging thing. I want my blog to be all pretty and stuff but I can't figure out how to do it! Grrr, stinking blog, making me feel all stupid and stuff!
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