Blessings

So, this whole depression thing isn't new to me. It's something I've dealt with my whole life. It's something I've, at times, control my life and other times, I've fought with everything I have and most of the time, I win.

Postpartum depression is similar yet different. I was able to deal with it when I had it with Corbin. But this time, it's been brutal and it's kicking my butt.

But, I'm a fighter and I'm not about to let this thing eat me alive.

Typically, I fight depression by forcing myself to reflect on the good in my life. It's easy to dwell on the bad when you are in this state of mind. So I think about how blessed I am. Yes, my life has a lot of tough times but I am blessed.

I have a roof over my head. Though it's a roof that needs to be a replaced and I can't afford to replace it right now, it IS a roof and it does keep my family safe at night.

Speaking of family, I have a great one. I didn't have a mom growing up but I had a dad whose number one priority in life was to raise me. That's admirable to me. It's something I am thankful for. I also had a grandmother who served as both my mom and grandma. And I had lots of others who played their parts in being a maternal figure in my life. It's still hard not having a mother in my life but I am thankful for the roles everyone played in trying to fill the shoes of mother.

Then there's my husband and two boys. They are what makes me get up everyday. Some days, I have trouble getting out of bed. Lately, I don't see the point. But then I hear Devin screaming his brains out and I'm reminded that my kids need me. My husband is far from perfect. But he's good to me and he tries to be the best husband he can be. To me, that's all I can ask for. I'm blessed to have a man who is willing to stay home with our children and raise them. He gets looks from other men, especially when he's out alone with both kids, but he doesn't care. He's proud of his role and he's pretty good at it. No, he can't cook and clean AND watch the kids but he does the best he can. And I am proud of him. Aside from Allen, my two boys are the best thing God's ever given to me. I love them with all my life and I feel so blessed to have two healthy little boys.

I have a job whose employees are like my second family. When one of us goes through something we all go through something. That's rare in these days. I'm thankful for my job. It's very stressful and the long hours and constant board meetings can make me feel like I've lost my mind. And I don't make a lot of money. However, I have a God that has proven he will provide for me in times of need so despite my small paycheck, I have somehow been able to take care of my family. And when I cannot, God gives Allen opportunities to fill in the gaps.

I could go on and on. But I won't. I just know that I'm blessed and I know that somehow I will get through this. Every day, God reminds me of all I have to be thankful for. I think in time, and with constant reminders, it'll help get me out of this crazy funk I'm going through.

Still miss you, Jen

Jesus Christ, I miss Jennifer. I miss her so much. I wish I could find her in her little heavenly place and slap the hell out of her for leaving us so soon.

It's been six years. Six depressing years without my best friend. Seriously, I never knew how much I depended on Jennifer until she was gone. But, that's how life is I guess.

Today, we should be texting each other the hilarious things our kids have done and calling each other to fuss about the stupid things our husbands did. I should be teaching Corbin all about the art of bullying so that he could bully Jennifer's kids, to pay her back for all the years she was so freaking mean to me!

It's been over six years since I've been able to make a fart joke and have someone to laugh about it like it's the funniest thing in the world. It's been over six years since I've been to a friend's house and just cooked out on the grill and hung out. Really, it has. I don't have anyone else that I do that with. It was just Jennifer.

Life has gone on and I set out on a mission to heal Jennifer's family as well as myself with a scholarship in her honor. The scholarship is done. We raised around $27,000 in like 4 years. The first scholarship will be given out in the Fall. I'm proud of what we did. But, now it's over and I have no idea what to do now. I'm not healed. I do feel Jennifer's family is more at peace now and that gives me comfort but I still miss her so much.

My kids will never know their Aunt Jen. And even though I'll tell them about her, they will never understand the significance of our friendship.

Last July, I lost my buddy Domino. He passed away and broke my heart. I miss him too. Jennifer and him had this strange bond. She was the only one, other than Allen, that believed Domino could talk. She would help me feed him when I went out of town and she swore he would say, "where's my momma." Domino also called Allen an "asshole." No joke. It was seriously funny. Other than me, Jennifer was really the only one Domino would allow to mess with him. He'd jump up in her lap and sit. It's hard to explain how miraculous that is but Domino was my cat and he loved his momma and every now and then, he loved his daddy (even though he called him ugly names).

I'm pretty convinced there's not a movie called "All Cats Go To Heaven" because there is no heaven for cats. Cats go straight to hell! Mean ole things! But I like to think that Jennifer put a stop to Domino going to hell and instead, snatched him up and begged God to let him stay with her. So now, every day, I bet Domino sits in Jennifer's lap and sleeps.

That does bring me comfort but it doesn't make me miss Jennifer any less.

Two years have flown on by

So next week, on Thursday, I will officially have a two-year-old.

I am still in denial about the whole deal. It makes me want to cry, which is not unusual considering my state of mind lately. But anyway.....

This weekend, we are having his birthday party. We decided to have it at this little horse farm down the road from our house. It's called A Chance on the Farm. They are a non-profit organization that does things for youth that may not have a chance to experience the farm life, so to speak. They hold events on occasion and we had a chance to go to one about two months ago. Corbin loved it so much, we decided to do his birthday party there.

I'm excited about the party. I think Corbin will love it. I'm nervous too. Last year, I got away with having a very minimal party for him and we didn't bring the two families together. This year, both families are coming as well as a few friends. I hope and I pray things go well.

But anyway, in planning for the party, I've had to do some photo digging and boy, has it made me sad. My little boy is growing up and I just can't believe how fast time flies! I can't believe it's been two years already! I love looking at photos of him over the past two years. But it's sad because the little baby years are gone and I miss them so much!

But, I'm proud too. Corbin is developing and so curious.He amazes me at how fast he catches on to things. I know I am whining over him growing up but I can't wait until I can sit down and have conversations with him. I think he'll be pretty awesome to talk to. He already is!

Corbin is like his dad a lot. He loves to be outside, loves to be doing something all the time and he cannot, absolutely cannot, stay in one place at any time. He needs to be busy.

Corbin loves animals. He loves Spiderman. He loves horses. He loves to watch The Little Engine that Could. He loves temper tantrums!

Really, Corbin loves everything!

And I love Corbin.

There are days when I feel like the worst mother in the world. I especially feel that way right now. But there are also those rare days I feel like I've at least done a little something right with Corbin. He is, after all, still alive. So obviously Allen and I have done something right.

I love when that child gives me a kiss. I love when he laughs. I love that he's finally learning to say momma. I love it when he says, "AMEN!" The list goes on and on and on. I just love that little boy to death. Even when he slaps me, kicks me, hits me, bites me, throws food on the floor, dumps his entire bucket of crayons out (that list goes on and on too).

I'm pretty sure I'll love him forever and always, no matter what.

I know, because I already do.

Still looking for the light

Well I don't have a lot to post this week. Things are the same, maybe even worse. This is a hard place to be in right now, especially when I don't have anyone to slap me around and make it all better.

But I'm still hopeful I'll come out of this weirdo funk I've fallen in. Until then, I'll continue to drink Mt. Dew, Coffee and whatever else tricks me into thinking I'm okay.

I don't even know where to start this blog today.

It's one of those things that no one talks about because us mommy people are supposed to never have issues. But I just don't care. I need to vent and get it out. I don't exactly have a phone full of people I can call up and talk to so I come to this blog, get things out of my system. It makes me feel somewhat better, at least for a little while.

I am currently dealing with some symptoms of Postpartum Depression. There's a shocker, right!

It's strange how it took so long to hit me but nonetheless, it's here. I've been dealing with it a few weeks now but trying to just ignore it and hope it will go away. I did read that sometimes, when you've had a traumatic experience with birth, like your kid being sick, it could take a few months to kick in so I guess that's not so abnormal. But I really thought it would go away over time.

But, it hasn't.

This year has been so horrible for my family. Devin's hospital stuff has stressed me out beyond belief. And even though he is better, I have this paranoia around him that I can't seem to let go. Allen and I still won't let anyone feed him. NO ONE. EVER.

I freak out every time he coughs or gasps, even though usually it's just him coughing like any other baby would do. But when it happens, I freeze in place and just stare at him, wondering if he's going to do his little stop breathing thing.

It hasn't happened in forever, since his last hospital stay. It's strange because the only thing that we've changed is his eating. And we took him off his medicine. The medication was entirely our idea and it was strange how much he changed just from doing that.

Devin is doing better. He smiles now and laughs and he loves to stare. He even laughs when Corbin slaps him. It's almost like he's teasing Corbin, saying, "Can't you hit any harder than that?"

The only issue we continue to see is that on occasion, Devin still has issues taking a bottle. They happen at random times. One day he's awesome and the next feeding him is like hell. Pure hell. Allen and I hate feeding this child but since we don't let anyone else do it, we kinda have to. I think we'd both rather change a poopy diaper than feed him. That's how horrible it is trying to feed this kid!

But aside from Devin, we've had a million other things to deal with this year. I guess I've been so busy in survival mode, I haven't had a chance to really deal with things. So now everything is hitting me.

I randomly start crying now, for no reason. I get extremely irritable, most of the time for no reason. But sometimes, something really dumb can make me just fly off the handle. Or cry. I like to cry now.

It's worrying the crap out of me because I hate crying. I don't cry.

It took me a while to realize what was going on. And then it hit me. Postpartum depresson. And then I wanted to just beat it out of me so it would go away.

It's affecting my work.

I go to work every single day, knowing that I have to be there because I am the provider for my family, and I just stare at the computer. It takes me forever to write a story. Then, I have to pretend like I yawned or sneezed or something when someone walks by my desk during a time I've had one of my crying episodes. I feel so stupid. And I really think I'm losing my mind.

There are days I just can't handle Corbin's little temper tantrums or Devin's constant wailing. Then there are days I miss them so much I feel like I'm dying. It's so freaking weird.

I keep saying I'm going to call the doctor but I keep putting it off. I heard my doctor had left and I'm not really into talking to a new doctor about things when they have no idea the history. Plus, all doctors want to do is give you medicine and I am not a fan of depression medicine. Been there, done that, didn't work.

I contemplated whether to tell Allen and finally, I did. But of course, I don't think he realizes the severity of it. And, with everything going on with him right now, I doubt he will.

But nonetheless, it's something I'm dealing with. I'm living in a little house of crazy right now. And it has a note on the door that says, "Be back later." And hopefully that's the case. Hopefully, I will be back later.

NAMA

Well, we are a whole month into Allen's karate stuff. It's going pretty well and we are thrilled.

He only has 3 students in his younger class but he has like 7 in his older class. The numbers should change in May though as we have a few more planning to sign up. We are also getting ready to start advertising pretty hard so I expect things to change because of that too but 10 students starting off is pretty impressive!

I'm happy for Allen. He seems so thrilled to be doing this and I couldn't be more proud of him. It's taken a long time for this to get going and he has been so patient. There are still people who probably think we are insane but that's okay.

After the first day or so of class, I had a woman call me at work to tell me how much her kid loves it. She said Allen was a really good teacher and very patient. I've had others tell me how good he's doing as well. I finally got to see the end of one of his classes this week and I was impressed. Allen is very patient yet strict. He has no problems answering any questions students have. You can tell he is doing something he loves.

We are already getting ready for the first belt test. He is super excited about that.

I hope things continue to go well for him and that one day, we will be able to actually buy or rent a building in Nashville so that he can do classes everyday.

baby stuff....again!

Well it's been over a month since my last post. Things have been going okay. Both boys are nice and healthy again and that is definitely a good thing. Corbin is still wild as I don't know what. There are some days, well nights really since that's when I'm home, when I think I may have to tie him to a chair to keep him still. God bless Allen, who has to take care of him all day, everyday! No wonder he's always so moody!

Devin is continuing to do well. We are very pleased at how he is finally turning into a normal kid. The only problem is, he is a mommma's boy. That's a problem because momma isn't the one home with him and daddy can't do anything to console the kid. There are some days Allen swears he cries all day long. As soon as I get home and take him, he quiets up and smiles. Oh yea, he loves his mommy!

I'm thrilled that one of my kids loves me so much but it breaks my heart at the same time. There are times I call Allen to check in and I can hear Devin just wailing over the phone. There's nothing I can really do, except count the hours before I get to go home and hold him. Now there are days Devin is okay and those days are becoming more and more. But there are still enough days where he screams most of the day that I just want to leave work and go home.

On another note, our lives have been so crazy that we have taken to eating extremely bad. We eat fast food a lot. TOO MUCH! Corbin actually seems to like fruits and veggies, well he used to. I guess feeding him chicken nuggets and other crap everyday may cause him to not like healthy food. So, we have to try and do better at making time to eat at home and eat better. One night this week, Allen was outside trying to get some stuff done and Corbin was with him so I could cook dinner. I decided to make Allen some buffalo chicken dip and knew Corbin wouldn't like the dip so I just stuck a little pizza in the oven. I cut two small pieces for Corbin and then cut up some carrots and apples and included that on his plate. I also gave him some cheese and crackers. It may still be unhealthy but it's better than usual! I was proud of myself and definitely plan to find better foods to give him. He needs to start eating healthy now so he doesn't turn into a fat turd like his momma. And, even though his daddy is skinny, he eats like crap too. He is just fortunate to have a better metabolism than me!