Kids and working out

I haven't posted anything in two months. But it's not because I haven't had anything to talk about. I struggle with this blog. Most of the time, I find it pointless. I'm not exactly sharing wisdom on here for the world to see. Instead, this is the place I go to and vent, to get things off my chest with hopes that it will make me feel better. So far, it hasn't worked.

But anyway, I have plenty of things I need to get off my chest but I don't have the energy, really, to do it here, on this site.

But I do love talking about my kids. They are pretty awesome. Corbin is turning into an interesting little fella. And Devin, well he likes to eat and that bothers me. I don't want him to be fat like his mom.

Speaking of fat, I recently started working out. It's been an interesting 3 weeks but so car, I've done okay.I could be doing better but of course, I could be doing worse too. I find myself slowly starting to feel better too. I'm not really eating all that great yet but I am working towards that.

I have no idea HOW to eat healthy. I grew up eating fried chicken and thinking if I had a vegetable with my chicken, I was eating healthy. I grew up on soda and sweet tea. So I have a lot of work to do on that end. But, I am at least working out now.

I hope that I can get in better shape for my kids. But it took me looking in a mirror, really looking, and deciding that this was something I needed to do and until I wanted to do it for ME, I'd never be successful at it. So, although my kids and my husband are my motivation, I am doing this for myself.

I have felt like crap for probably the past 5 years. I'm sure being overweight has something to do with it. And of course, I can't help but think my horrible pregnancy and Devin being sick could have had something to do with my weight. It kills me to think my unhealthy lifestyle could impact my child forever. The first thing the doctor told me after Devin was born and got sick was that it wasn't my fault. He must have knew what I was thinking. I wonder if he knew I didn't believe him. I've blamed myself ever since. I'm thankful Devin is, for the most part, better.

This past weekend, we took our first vacation with two kids. We had a blast! I enjoyed it, which honestly was surprising. I thought it would be very stressful. But, it wasn't and I'm so glad. But our trip required some endurance because we went to the beach and carrying a 20-pound kid up a sandy hill to the beach is no easy feat. I almost died. BUT I didn't, which means my workout is actually working! Though my legs burned, I wasn't out of breath afterwards. So after only 3 weeks of working out, I could tell it's working. I can't wait to work out. It's not fun but it's something I do knowing it's making me healthier and adding years on to my life. And the longer I live, the longer I can embarrass my kids!

Father's Day

So, Father's Day has come and gone and boy, did I work my behind off to be this creative person. Corbin and I worked super hard this year making our Father's Day presents.

I tend to love, love, love homemade gifts. They make my heart smile. I hope they do the same for Allen!

Corbin painted two rocks this year. After we painted the rocks, we threw some designs on the and then I painted "Daddy rocks" and "Pa Pa rocks" on them. It was a pretty simple idea. Corbin loved being able to paint them. He even got mad at me when I tried to help.

He's a creative little bugger!

We had so much fun doing that we decided to continue on with our painting skills. I decided that it would be AWESOME to do some type of gift the involved hand prints. SO I found this poem online and typed it up and printed it out. Then, I took Corbin's little hands, covered them in paint and BAM, made another brilliant little gift. Of course, I couldn't leave out Devin so I did his hands too. That wasn't as easy (or as fun!) as he was not thrilled with me forcing his hands open. He likes to curl them up still. Of course, doing Corbin's hand print wasn't all peachy either. It took three tries to get it right but we had fun doing it¡ Corbin will probably have our fun etched in his little mind and next time we pull out our paints, I have every idea, he's going to try and paint himself! Hopefully, it's Allen that decides to paint with him again!

We also took a Pringles can and cut out some construction paper. I let Corbin draw all over the paper and then we taped it around the Pringles can. Then, I put a million Hershey's kisses in the can and wrote, "Filled with kisses." This was a super simple gift that just popped in my head.

But, we aren't done. I got carried this year and also did a edible treat that spelled out "DAD." The two D's were brownies and the "A" was a cookie. It was easy but I did it while Corbin was asleep because he enjoys eating sweets way too much and I don't like giving him junk food. Anyway, Allen enjoyed it!

Finally, I ordered both my dad and Allen's dad, and Allen, a mouse pad with pictures on it. They looked pretty awesome!

All in all, I think we did good for Father's Day. Allen got a lot of homemade gifts and I only spent like $15! I'd post pictures of our creations but I'm not that talented and I have no idea how. Plus, is it really worth posting pictures for the ZERO people who read this stupid blog? UM NO.

Hopefully though, next year, I won't discover that I did ALL the cool ideas this year and be stuck with no creative gift ideas!

Blessings

So, this whole depression thing isn't new to me. It's something I've dealt with my whole life. It's something I've, at times, control my life and other times, I've fought with everything I have and most of the time, I win.

Postpartum depression is similar yet different. I was able to deal with it when I had it with Corbin. But this time, it's been brutal and it's kicking my butt.

But, I'm a fighter and I'm not about to let this thing eat me alive.

Typically, I fight depression by forcing myself to reflect on the good in my life. It's easy to dwell on the bad when you are in this state of mind. So I think about how blessed I am. Yes, my life has a lot of tough times but I am blessed.

I have a roof over my head. Though it's a roof that needs to be a replaced and I can't afford to replace it right now, it IS a roof and it does keep my family safe at night.

Speaking of family, I have a great one. I didn't have a mom growing up but I had a dad whose number one priority in life was to raise me. That's admirable to me. It's something I am thankful for. I also had a grandmother who served as both my mom and grandma. And I had lots of others who played their parts in being a maternal figure in my life. It's still hard not having a mother in my life but I am thankful for the roles everyone played in trying to fill the shoes of mother.

Then there's my husband and two boys. They are what makes me get up everyday. Some days, I have trouble getting out of bed. Lately, I don't see the point. But then I hear Devin screaming his brains out and I'm reminded that my kids need me. My husband is far from perfect. But he's good to me and he tries to be the best husband he can be. To me, that's all I can ask for. I'm blessed to have a man who is willing to stay home with our children and raise them. He gets looks from other men, especially when he's out alone with both kids, but he doesn't care. He's proud of his role and he's pretty good at it. No, he can't cook and clean AND watch the kids but he does the best he can. And I am proud of him. Aside from Allen, my two boys are the best thing God's ever given to me. I love them with all my life and I feel so blessed to have two healthy little boys.

I have a job whose employees are like my second family. When one of us goes through something we all go through something. That's rare in these days. I'm thankful for my job. It's very stressful and the long hours and constant board meetings can make me feel like I've lost my mind. And I don't make a lot of money. However, I have a God that has proven he will provide for me in times of need so despite my small paycheck, I have somehow been able to take care of my family. And when I cannot, God gives Allen opportunities to fill in the gaps.

I could go on and on. But I won't. I just know that I'm blessed and I know that somehow I will get through this. Every day, God reminds me of all I have to be thankful for. I think in time, and with constant reminders, it'll help get me out of this crazy funk I'm going through.

Still miss you, Jen

Jesus Christ, I miss Jennifer. I miss her so much. I wish I could find her in her little heavenly place and slap the hell out of her for leaving us so soon.

It's been six years. Six depressing years without my best friend. Seriously, I never knew how much I depended on Jennifer until she was gone. But, that's how life is I guess.

Today, we should be texting each other the hilarious things our kids have done and calling each other to fuss about the stupid things our husbands did. I should be teaching Corbin all about the art of bullying so that he could bully Jennifer's kids, to pay her back for all the years she was so freaking mean to me!

It's been over six years since I've been able to make a fart joke and have someone to laugh about it like it's the funniest thing in the world. It's been over six years since I've been to a friend's house and just cooked out on the grill and hung out. Really, it has. I don't have anyone else that I do that with. It was just Jennifer.

Life has gone on and I set out on a mission to heal Jennifer's family as well as myself with a scholarship in her honor. The scholarship is done. We raised around $27,000 in like 4 years. The first scholarship will be given out in the Fall. I'm proud of what we did. But, now it's over and I have no idea what to do now. I'm not healed. I do feel Jennifer's family is more at peace now and that gives me comfort but I still miss her so much.

My kids will never know their Aunt Jen. And even though I'll tell them about her, they will never understand the significance of our friendship.

Last July, I lost my buddy Domino. He passed away and broke my heart. I miss him too. Jennifer and him had this strange bond. She was the only one, other than Allen, that believed Domino could talk. She would help me feed him when I went out of town and she swore he would say, "where's my momma." Domino also called Allen an "asshole." No joke. It was seriously funny. Other than me, Jennifer was really the only one Domino would allow to mess with him. He'd jump up in her lap and sit. It's hard to explain how miraculous that is but Domino was my cat and he loved his momma and every now and then, he loved his daddy (even though he called him ugly names).

I'm pretty convinced there's not a movie called "All Cats Go To Heaven" because there is no heaven for cats. Cats go straight to hell! Mean ole things! But I like to think that Jennifer put a stop to Domino going to hell and instead, snatched him up and begged God to let him stay with her. So now, every day, I bet Domino sits in Jennifer's lap and sleeps.

That does bring me comfort but it doesn't make me miss Jennifer any less.

Two years have flown on by

So next week, on Thursday, I will officially have a two-year-old.

I am still in denial about the whole deal. It makes me want to cry, which is not unusual considering my state of mind lately. But anyway.....

This weekend, we are having his birthday party. We decided to have it at this little horse farm down the road from our house. It's called A Chance on the Farm. They are a non-profit organization that does things for youth that may not have a chance to experience the farm life, so to speak. They hold events on occasion and we had a chance to go to one about two months ago. Corbin loved it so much, we decided to do his birthday party there.

I'm excited about the party. I think Corbin will love it. I'm nervous too. Last year, I got away with having a very minimal party for him and we didn't bring the two families together. This year, both families are coming as well as a few friends. I hope and I pray things go well.

But anyway, in planning for the party, I've had to do some photo digging and boy, has it made me sad. My little boy is growing up and I just can't believe how fast time flies! I can't believe it's been two years already! I love looking at photos of him over the past two years. But it's sad because the little baby years are gone and I miss them so much!

But, I'm proud too. Corbin is developing and so curious.He amazes me at how fast he catches on to things. I know I am whining over him growing up but I can't wait until I can sit down and have conversations with him. I think he'll be pretty awesome to talk to. He already is!

Corbin is like his dad a lot. He loves to be outside, loves to be doing something all the time and he cannot, absolutely cannot, stay in one place at any time. He needs to be busy.

Corbin loves animals. He loves Spiderman. He loves horses. He loves to watch The Little Engine that Could. He loves temper tantrums!

Really, Corbin loves everything!

And I love Corbin.

There are days when I feel like the worst mother in the world. I especially feel that way right now. But there are also those rare days I feel like I've at least done a little something right with Corbin. He is, after all, still alive. So obviously Allen and I have done something right.

I love when that child gives me a kiss. I love when he laughs. I love that he's finally learning to say momma. I love it when he says, "AMEN!" The list goes on and on and on. I just love that little boy to death. Even when he slaps me, kicks me, hits me, bites me, throws food on the floor, dumps his entire bucket of crayons out (that list goes on and on too).

I'm pretty sure I'll love him forever and always, no matter what.

I know, because I already do.

Still looking for the light

Well I don't have a lot to post this week. Things are the same, maybe even worse. This is a hard place to be in right now, especially when I don't have anyone to slap me around and make it all better.

But I'm still hopeful I'll come out of this weirdo funk I've fallen in. Until then, I'll continue to drink Mt. Dew, Coffee and whatever else tricks me into thinking I'm okay.

I don't even know where to start this blog today.

It's one of those things that no one talks about because us mommy people are supposed to never have issues. But I just don't care. I need to vent and get it out. I don't exactly have a phone full of people I can call up and talk to so I come to this blog, get things out of my system. It makes me feel somewhat better, at least for a little while.

I am currently dealing with some symptoms of Postpartum Depression. There's a shocker, right!

It's strange how it took so long to hit me but nonetheless, it's here. I've been dealing with it a few weeks now but trying to just ignore it and hope it will go away. I did read that sometimes, when you've had a traumatic experience with birth, like your kid being sick, it could take a few months to kick in so I guess that's not so abnormal. But I really thought it would go away over time.

But, it hasn't.

This year has been so horrible for my family. Devin's hospital stuff has stressed me out beyond belief. And even though he is better, I have this paranoia around him that I can't seem to let go. Allen and I still won't let anyone feed him. NO ONE. EVER.

I freak out every time he coughs or gasps, even though usually it's just him coughing like any other baby would do. But when it happens, I freeze in place and just stare at him, wondering if he's going to do his little stop breathing thing.

It hasn't happened in forever, since his last hospital stay. It's strange because the only thing that we've changed is his eating. And we took him off his medicine. The medication was entirely our idea and it was strange how much he changed just from doing that.

Devin is doing better. He smiles now and laughs and he loves to stare. He even laughs when Corbin slaps him. It's almost like he's teasing Corbin, saying, "Can't you hit any harder than that?"

The only issue we continue to see is that on occasion, Devin still has issues taking a bottle. They happen at random times. One day he's awesome and the next feeding him is like hell. Pure hell. Allen and I hate feeding this child but since we don't let anyone else do it, we kinda have to. I think we'd both rather change a poopy diaper than feed him. That's how horrible it is trying to feed this kid!

But aside from Devin, we've had a million other things to deal with this year. I guess I've been so busy in survival mode, I haven't had a chance to really deal with things. So now everything is hitting me.

I randomly start crying now, for no reason. I get extremely irritable, most of the time for no reason. But sometimes, something really dumb can make me just fly off the handle. Or cry. I like to cry now.

It's worrying the crap out of me because I hate crying. I don't cry.

It took me a while to realize what was going on. And then it hit me. Postpartum depresson. And then I wanted to just beat it out of me so it would go away.

It's affecting my work.

I go to work every single day, knowing that I have to be there because I am the provider for my family, and I just stare at the computer. It takes me forever to write a story. Then, I have to pretend like I yawned or sneezed or something when someone walks by my desk during a time I've had one of my crying episodes. I feel so stupid. And I really think I'm losing my mind.

There are days I just can't handle Corbin's little temper tantrums or Devin's constant wailing. Then there are days I miss them so much I feel like I'm dying. It's so freaking weird.

I keep saying I'm going to call the doctor but I keep putting it off. I heard my doctor had left and I'm not really into talking to a new doctor about things when they have no idea the history. Plus, all doctors want to do is give you medicine and I am not a fan of depression medicine. Been there, done that, didn't work.

I contemplated whether to tell Allen and finally, I did. But of course, I don't think he realizes the severity of it. And, with everything going on with him right now, I doubt he will.

But nonetheless, it's something I'm dealing with. I'm living in a little house of crazy right now. And it has a note on the door that says, "Be back later." And hopefully that's the case. Hopefully, I will be back later.