Been a while...

Well, I am definitely in disbelief that December is here. I feel like I just posted on this blog but it was in October. I guess it's been a while.

I've just had no desire to write. It's getting harder and harder for me to sit down and craft words into something. It's a scary feeling. It's affecting my job a lot. I sit and stare at the screen for hours trying to write one story when used to, I could pop one out just like that. I don't know what to do about it. 

Anyway, Jennifer's scholarship is at a standstill, again. I don't know what to do about that either. I'm a little disappointed that out of everyone that knew Jennifer and thought the world of her, no one is giving anything to her scholarship fund. I know times are tight but even $20 would be better than nothing and there are some people that I know can afford it. It would really suck for this scholarship not to get anywhere. But I'm determined and I won't give up until the $25,000 is raised. I just need to get my focus back,I guess, and start worrying the crap out of people. I guess that's what it's going to take. 

I've been trying to find a hobby but so far, have not come up with anything. I've been really lonely lately. Allen is never home anymore. A lot of times, I don't even feel like I'm married. He lives away during the week and lately he's been staying some of the weekend too so I see him maybe 3 nights a week. That's not what I signed up for. I am SO happy he's working now but can't deal with this living apart mess for much longer. Hopefully we'll soon work it out. I feel like I've spent more of our married life apart than together. So I've been trying to find things to do to keep my nights occupied and my mind off of the loneliness. I'm trying hard not to fall in a rut and it's hard. I have no one to talk to and that makes it even harder. It's on these lonely nights that I find myself needing a friend and then realize that my one, true friend is gone. It's still hard to fathom. But I can't find anything that interests me enough to stick with it. I've got all this stuff to start scrapbooking but my creative side is just not there. I'm not interested in sewing or knitting or stuff like that. I'm hoping something will come along soon. 

But until then, I've learned to plop myself in front of the tv and stay there until bedtime.

It's hard to believe it's already been almost 3 weeks since the bbq chicken plate sale. Time is flying by way too fast. When I was younger, that was a good thing but now that I'm older, I'm not enjoying time flying by. 

There's plenty more to talk about but for now, I just am not in the mood to write. My writing spirit seems to slowly be disappearing, which is not good considering I write for a living. But I'm hoping it's just that I'm wore out and need a break. I'm supposed be going on vacation in 2 weeks but I'm not actually going anywhere so I really don't have anything to look forward to except being stuck at home bored. But maybe I can at least get some needed rest. 

I have been thinking a lot about the future lately and the leftover dreams I've yet to grab. I've got a lot of soul searching to do, I suppose. But soul searching never goes well for me so I'm putting it off for as long as I can. 

Jennifer's scholarship is finally underway!!!

Well it's finally over. And I have to say, I am exhausted but in a good way. The first fundraiser for Jennifer's scholarship was successful and we raised around $650, which is a great start. I'm still waiting on a few promised checks to roll in so that may bring the total up. 

I admit, things did not go as smoothly as I had hoped but the end result was good. For one, I'm not exactly a leader type. I'm more of a follower than a leader so having to take charge of something is not my cup of tea. Although I tried, I didn't do a good job being a leader and taking charge of things. I wish Allen had been there because he would have helped me out a lot in that department. Things were very unorganized at the beginning but like I said, it all worked out. I'm not a last minute person so all that last minute stuff was really freaking me out. 

But the chicken plates sold out, we got some great comments and things went very well. All in all I'm happy with the support Jennifer's friends and family and especially my family, gave to this cause. I'm such a lucky person to have such a supportive family. Now, it's on to trying to get even more money so we can get the amount needed to actually make this scholarship happen. Lots of fundraising ideas have been thrown around so I'm sure we'll soon be planning for something else. 

In other avenues, Allen finally got a full-time job. I'm so excited for him but on the other hand disappointed it wasn't something he really, really wanted to do. But either way, it'll help us get in a better financial position so he can do what he really wants to do later. The place that laid Allen off in October called him back and he actually started today. He's going to keep his job at Red Lobster for a while so that we can get our debt paid off. His full-time job is in Greenville so that kinda sucks because it's a long drive but hey, it's a job and right now, a job is hard to come by, much less 2 jobs! I'm so proud of everything Allen has done. He has had a rough time over the past few years but I think he's finally getting there and I couldn't be happier. 

One week away

One more week before the bbq chicken sale to raise money for Jennifer's scholarship. 

I met with the lady from ECU yesterday to get the final paperwork done and pick up some more flyers. 

I feel a little better about things today. I think in the end, Jennifer's scholarship will be a success and it won't be because of anything I've done but because of the type of person she was and the impression she left on others. And since that was why I did this scholarship to begin with, I feel good about that. 

I'm still nervous about the chicken sale though. I've never done this type of thing before and am a little nervous about how everything will go. I worry we won't have enough plates then I worry we'll have way too much left over. But in the end, I'm sure everything will work itself out. 

On another note, I should have 3 books waiting for me when I get home tonight. I ordered Nicholas Sparks' new one, Jane Green's latest one and an updated book on the GRE. I've thought about taking the GRE and just seeing what my score is. If UNC ever gets that online master's program, then I'll be ready to apply. If I don't in, I don't get in but I can't keep putting this off because of fear. I'm going to at least try to further my education. If UNC won't let me in, then I'll go somewhere that will. It'll be their loss. 

I'm worried about taking the GRE though. I'm really bad at those type of tests and didn't do so hot on my SAT's so I can't imagine I'll do good on the GRE. But that's what this book will be for, I suppose so maybe I can study that really hard and do okay. 

I may not be posting anything on here again until after the fundraiser so my next post will hopefully be one on how well we did with the chicken plate sale!!!

fear of failure

Well, I'm about two weeks away from the first fundraiser for Jennifer's scholarship. I don't feel ready for it but I suppose I'll have to be. The fundraiser happened so fast and now I'm rushing to try to get everything done with very minimal help. I suppose part of that is my fault since I haven't really asked but I'm not really one to ask for help. But then again, I also don't know really what I even need to do. 

I'm starting to get worried I won't raise the money needed. I don't know why I always feel like this when I get in the midst of things. I have this horrible fear of failure. This is too important for me to screw up. 

My brain is a jumbled mess. I don't know why but I'm having the hardest time concentrating on anything. I come to work and I sit and stare at my computer most of the day and I end up not getting anything done until the very last minute. The same is true with all the personal stuff I have going on in my life. I'm starting to wonder if I need to go see someone and maybe get put on medication. 

Anyway, I'm still excited about the scholarship and being able to honor Jennifer but I haven't had the response I thought I would have. I guess I thought I'd start telling people about it and thousands of dollars would start coming in!!! I guess that's not how it works though. Either way, I'm going to make this a success, if I have to do car washes, donut sales or whatever else. 

Moving along...

Well, it looks like my car will go a few more weeks without getting painted. I don't even care anymore. It'll get painted when it gets painted. The whole thing has been a pain in the butt. I almost wish I had just left the stupid car alone. Almost. 

Other than the car thing, I'm still trudging along on Jennifer's scholarship. I feel so behind. Part of it is not my fault because the letters and stuff weren't ready. But I do feel like a big part is my fault because I haven't been getting my list ready like I should. Next week, I'll be talking to the fire department about the scholarship. I didn't realize it until this weekend, but I am really nervous and wondering if I'll be able to get through this whole thing without becoming emotional. I don't want my emotions to screw this up. So I guess I need to practice what I am going to say and develop a script of some sort to go by so I don't mess up. 

I have a huge list of things I need to do and I just can't seem to get motivated to get them done. I don't know why. I get home and have all this time to myself and I just clean up and sit on the couch watching television. I have no motivation to do anything productive. 

Work is really getting to me lately. I do enjoy my job but I do think I need a real break. But there's not a break anytime soon so I'll just have to try to get through this. 

Allen is still looking for a full-time job. We thought we had some leads but so far, nothing has happened. He starts school this week and I'm excited that he's going to really finish up his degree. He worked so hard for this and I want him to be successful with his career aspirations. I think we both need to sit down and just get our heads right. 

Other than that, things are moving slowly along. I plan to sit down this week and make a list of everything I need to do and actually start working on doing it. Hopefully by my next post, I'll have made some progress on at least something. 

Patience is not MY virtue

Well my birthday has passed and my car did not get painted. I should have known. Anything I get over excited about never comes to fruition. I am very disappointed and quite angry about the whole deal but being pissed isn't going to paint my car so I'm over it and moving on. SUPPOSEDLY, it'll be done by the 22nd of this month. We'll see...

In other news, things are still kind of on the rough side for me. Work is exhausting and I feel like if I don't get a break soon, I'm going to go insane. I just need a break from my life. I have two days off this week but nothing vacation-like planned so I'm not so sure it'll count for the break I so desperately need. But I have another 3 days off in September and hopefully Allen and I can manage a real vacation. I just hope I can make it until September. 

Jennifer's scholarship is coming along nicely, as far as the planning is concerned. But I should soon be getting the "official" flyers from ECU so I can start getting them out and hopefully raising some money. I am speaking to the local Fire Department at the end of the month and I'm hoping they'll contribute some and also help me spread the word. I'm really not a big fundraising type so this whole asking for money thing is hard for me. But it's for a good cause and I feel I'm doing something positive for Jennifer other than absorbing my grief (and anger) in mundane things. I'm supposed to meet with the lady this week from ECU, hopefully to pick up the fliers and then I can start getting them out. My two days off this week will hopefully be used to send out this flier. 

I keep saying I'm doing better with this Jennifer passing away and I guess I am. But the last few weeks have been so hard. I've missed Jennifer a lot and I've really needed her shoulder to cry on. There were two things I learned after Jennifer died. One was how good of a friend she was and the other was how few friends I really had. The second has probably been the hardest to accept, especially now when I'm in desperate need of a shoulder to cry on. But I'll survive and come out of this a stronger person and hopefully a better person too.