Has it been 9 months yet?

Ok, so I am really not digging this whole waking up nauseated thing. It's getting old fast. And I'm really not digging the actual throwing up part either. Thanks little baby. I hope this doesn't go on for 9 months. 

I can't believe how sick I am when I'm not even that far along. I mean, I feel like crap. Aside from the nausea, I am extremely tired and my emotions are all out of whack. I have strange emotions anyway. But now, I feel like bursting out crying at any minute. Then 2 seconds later, I am full of joy and happy and other good things. I can already tell you, Allen is in for a treat. 

I had my first doctor's appointment today. I'm nervous. I don't like doctors. I definitely don't like gynecologists. I dread my annual "women's" checkup, I mean dread it! I don't like doctors poking me "down there" or "up there" or anywhere for that matter. But, I suppose I better get used to it. I had already decided that if they poked me too much today, I was going to beg them to at least poke Allen once somewhere, anywhere, just to make it fair. 

But they didn't poke me anywhere today. All we did today was talk to a nurse lady about our family medical history and about how the whole baby checkup thing would work. There are some concerns. Allen's family has some heart issues so we'll have to get a bunch of tests done when I'm further along to ensure the baby is okay. So keep your fingers crossed. And, since my dad is a diabetic and Allen's mom is as well, I have to get a diabetes test at my next appointment. I have to drink a 10 ounce bottle of crap before I take the test. Yuck. Then, I'll have to do it again when I'm further along. This way, they'll be able to really monitor if I develop gestational diabetes. They say some women become diabetics during pregnancy. But overall, the appointment went well and I got a bunch of free prenatal vitamins to try! Yay! And I got a book to look at. 

I know I have to lay off the caffeine. I haven't had but one full drink of any type with caffeine since I discovered I was pregnant. But before then, when I was pregnant but didn't know it, uh oh. I am addicted to caffeine so I am terrified I have already screwed up my child, exposing them to way too much caffeine. I'm trying hard to lay off but I'm not sure what else to drink. I've had apple juice, which I discovered has a crap load of sugar in it, chocolate milk (which is healthy aside from the chocolate part), koolaid with very little sugar and then water. NO COFFEE!! And I admit, I have taken sips of Mt. Dew just to get my "fix" but that's it, I swear. I feel okay about it too. I haven't gotten a caffeine headache yet and I don't feel irritated about giving up something I loved so much. Maybe this baby thing is gonna make me a lady afterall. 

On top of that, I have no idea what to eat. I have no clue what is good for the baby and what isn't. Luckily I'm craving apples and veggies so I'm sure that's okay but what about real food, like chicken and beef? Can I have cheeseburgers or tacos? I have no clue. 

I was hoping the doctor would give me some insight into what I can do to better nourish my little baby. And I hope I haven't done anything prior to knowing I was pregnant that could put him/her at risk. But I think I'm okay. I'm trying to eat better and I know what's at stake if I don't so I think I'll do okay. But someone needs to talk to Allen. Yesterday, he brought me a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I was like, EWWW, get that away from me. I'm going to barf.  So he took it, looked at me like I was crazy and then he ate it himself. I guess he was shocked I wasn't craving sweets. Had it brought me a jar of pickles and a bag of carrots, I would have been happy. OH well, it's the thought that counts. And Allen has been really sweet to me. I think he feels bad that I am so sick. And HE SHOULD. This is all his fault!!!! 

Just kidding. 

We're having a what??

So 2010 will definitely be one of those years that goes down in the books. Now, I really do wish I had written the highlights down. 

This news is so big I'm not even sure how to mention it. Or if I should. I mean, it's one of those things you want to tell everyone but then again, if things don't work out and something goes wrong, you don't want everyone to know. But I can't help it. 

I'm pregnant. 

I never thought I'd utter those words. I've always been terrified of saying those words. But here I am, those foreign words coming out of my mouth. 

Pregnant. 

Okay, so it's a big surprise to us. We weren't really trying to have a baby. But we weren't NOT trying either. It was one of those things we had put in God's hands. I guess He felt it was time. 

So I'm around 6 weeks. How do I feel? I'm extremely happy, I'm worried, I'm nervous, I'm honored and proud and I'm sick. Literally sick but they say that's a part of pregnancy. 

This whole sick thing is what clued me in on the whole being pregnant thing. I'd been feeling funny for around a week and then realized I was late. Then, I got sick, throwing up, cold chills, emotional instability, oh yeah and craving apples. Apples?? YES apples. That was when I decided to tell Allen the news. We got a pregnancy test (2 actually) and I woke up on Sunday morning and took it. It was positive. 

Seeing the positive brought in a flood of different emotions. Happy, scared, sad, worried, all sorts of stuff came over me. But most of all, I actually felt happy. We were having a baby. 

And Allen, though he too wasn't really ready for this surprise, I could tell he was happy. He had that little smirk on his face, like "I'm the man, oh yeah." Then I could see the thoughts racing through his head of all the things he couldn't wait to teach this seed of a child that was in me. 

We've talked about it. We don't know how we're going to do this. But who really does? I mean, you are never truly prepared to have a kid.

My main excuse over the years for not having one is that we weren't ready. When I sit down and think about it, I'm not sure we'll ever be "ready." But deep, deep, deep, deep (you get the picture) down inside, I've always wanted to have a baby. Now's my chance. 

So far, I've been really sick and craving fruits and vegetables, which is a good thing I suppose. My stomach has felt extremely weird too, like there is this heavy thing inside of it and it's making my stomach ache a little. I can't explain it. It's a pain that makes me smile because I know that this child inside me is going to make me the happiest mommy in the world. 

My dogs make me smile.....

I've always loved animals. Ever since I was a little girl, I loved cats and dogs and hamsters and any type of furry creature. 

My dad never let me have an inside pet. We always had an outside dog and it was always his dog. Finally, one year, I got my very own dog. My dad had a dalmation at the time and he gave me a lab. I loved that dog more than anything. One day, the stupid dalmation ran away and took my Sadie with him. I never saw her again. It wasn't until I was 20 that I got my own dog again. Her name was Scratchy.

Aside from dogs, though, I've always had outside cats. Technically they weren't mine. We lived int he country so stray cats were common. I took it upon myself to feed them and take care of them. When I turned 16, my neighbors moved and some strange people moved in. They had a gazillion cats that were malnourished. So I began to take care of them too. I used to go sit on my front porch and talk to the cats. I could talk to them about anything. 

Just before my 21st birthday, I ended up with my very own cat. Domino. I brought him inside.My dad hated him. Allen hated him but man did I love him. I still do. Domino is a special boy. 

Animals have always been a part of my life. I've always hated to see them suffer to know they didn't have a family to go to. I guess that's why I now have five cats and two dogs. Four of my cats (including Domino) stay inside. One is outside and he came with the house we bought. Scratchy passed away in 2005. I still miss her like crazy. But today, we have Abby and Sheba, both Pit Bull Terriers. 

Somehow, I have fallen madly in love with Pit Bulls. Perhaps it is because of their loyalty, their sense of humor and their ability to follow me around without seeming to mind where I go, including the bathroom. But really, I think it is because there are so many people who despise pit bulls, so many people who judge them without even knowing them. 

I've always had this passion to do something to help animals. But since pit bulls came into my life, I've singled that passion down to wanting to help them. Wanting to help change their reputation and keep them alive. 

I've thought about forming my own pit bull rescue group but I don't have the time or knowledge to do that. So when an animal group formed in Nashville and asked me to be the Vice President, I figured this was my way of helping the pit bull breed. 

Currently, we have saved 6 dogs. One was really sick and old and we rescued her just so she could pass away in a loving home instead of by the gas chamber at the local shelter. The second one we rescued was a pit bull terrier. He was scheduled to be put to sleep on Friday at this same shelter. We saved him on Friday, just minutes before he was to die. He, of course, came home with me, as a foster puppy. His name is Nash. 

Yes, this means I currently have 3 pit bulls in my house, on top of the 4 cats. It is too many. I know it's too many, Allen knows it's too many but we don't care. We saved his life. We feel good about that. 

Nash still hasn't found a home. It upsets me because I know why he hasn't. But then again, none of the other 3 that are available have found homes either. But Nash will have a harder chance of finding a home. No one will see his cute little floppy ears or his awkward smile. No one will care that he learned to sit and use the bathroom outside pretty quickly, which is amazing for a little 5-month old puppy. Nope. They will care about the fact that he is a pit bull terrier. 

Earlier this week, I was covering a board meeting and someone asked about Nash. I've written columns about my foster experience so people know about him. So I was telling them about Nash and how we hadn't found him a home yet. And another lady, listening to our conversation, asked what type he was. When I told her, she said, oh no, like I had adopted satan himself. 

I took this as my opportunity to change someone's mind about pits. So I told the woman I had three pits in my house and they lived with cats and none of my cats had been eaten yet. She wasn't convinced so then I brought out my cell phone which has lots of photos. I began to show her tons of pictures. Still convince her. These are the type of ignorant people that are in the world today. These are the type of ignorant people I am trying to change. It won't be easy. 

My pit bull terriers make me smile and I think the world should know, they can make them smile too. 

Finding God....

So this has been an interesting year. I should have been writing about it but I'm sick of writing. Writing has always been something I loved. It's always been there. Now, it's something I struggle doing. I think I'm just burnt out and the thought of trying to keep a blog is not appealing to me. And really, who cares if I keep a blog or not? 

But anyway, what has happened this year? Well, in a nutshell, I celebrated my 6-year anniversary, almost got divorced, watched Allen find God, watched Allen lose his job again, won my first NC Press award, managed to do two large fundraisers for Jennifer's scholarship, turned 30 and the list goes on and on. I know there's more but I can't think of everything at this point. 

I suppose the divorce thing may be shocking to some. I'd like to think Allen and I seemed happy. I guess you get good at pretending. But the bottom line is, we were both miserable and have been for years. It's not that we didn't love each other but our marriage has been a constant battle. We've faced so much; death, in-laws, moving, unemployment, etc., etc. I guess it's hard to be happy when you've been through so much. And I suppose in the end, we blamed each other for our unhappiness. 

Truly, I don't know what happened. There's that typical saying, "we grew apart." We did, in ways. But in other ways, we didn't try. We just kept living our life and waiting for things to get better. Instead they got worse and then the one thing I never thought would happen to us did. That's when I said enough is enough. 

In the end, neither of us wanted to get divorced. We didn't want to separate. We just wanted to fix it. So, after weeks of talking about ending it, we decided to fix it. We've been together 9 years and neither of us were willing to throw that away without a fight. 

So, through everything, the fights, the begging, the crying, we decided that we should allow God into our marriage a little more. 

It may sound strange. I've always believed in God. Allen goes to church but has always had his doubts. We just weren't the type of christian, church going family we should have been. So I brought that up during the midst of everything and Allen at first didn't like the idea. In Allen's eyes, God was responsible for everything bad that had ever happened to him and to us. But he began to pray and things began to happen. Our marriage began to get better, one day at a time. 

We tried for weeks to get a meeting with our preacher. By the time we were able to meet with him, our marriage was on the mend. The first evening we met with him was the night Allen was saved. It was a strange turn of events. We had went for marriage counseling of sorts and I left with a new husband. 

This wasn't one of those things Allen does just because he thinks it's what I want. He really meant it. For the first time in months, I saw Allen cry over the fear that if we both died that day, we would not end up in the same place. He was terrified of not only losing me in life but losing me in death.

There was an immediate change in Allen. He began to pray and he began to read the Bible. Through that, he became a better husband. I became a better wife. On Father's Day, Allen was baptized and became a member of the church we were married in. 

It's been several months since that day and things are still not perfect. They probably never will be. But we both have faith now that if we keep trying, we'll be able to fix the love and trust that was broken. But we both know it won't be fixed overnight. But we're trying hard. We're going to church more, praying together and trying to communicate with each other more. Maybe by our seven year anniversary, we'll truly have a lot to celebrate.

So I guess out of everything that happened in 2007, my marriage almost coming to a shocking end and my husband becoming a Christian were the two top things. But, of course, there's still 3 months left in 2010. Who knows what can happen between now and then.

Third post in 2010?

So this post marks only my third post in the 2010 year. It's hard to believe that 2010 is almost over and it's also hard to believe I haven't had anything to write about this year. Well, I have, I just haven't been inspired to do so. I'll try to do better. I have 3 months to work on it before 2011. 

Writing has become a pain lately. I just can't sit down and pop out a story anymore. I stare at a blank screen now, enthralled with the blinking dot that just sits in the white space. Maybe it's hypnotizing me? 

Anyway, the most exciting thing going on right this minute, other than Jennifer's scholarship, is the fact that Allen and I are foster parents to a cute little pit bull puppy. I've had this desire to do something to save pits for a while and when I joined a new group, Nash County Animal Shelter Friends, it gave me the chance. It's been a good experience. Abby and Sheba have been a little annoyed but they are coming around. But they've really helped us train this little guy into a sweet puppy. I hope he finds a good home. 

Other than that, the scholarship is still moving along. We just had a bbq chicken plate sale and made around $1,300. So we should be getting close to maybe $8,000? I'd like to have $10,000 before 2011 but not sure if I can pull off anymore fundraisers this year.

Well, my brain is fried so I'll post more later. I need a day to gather my thoughts so I can catch this blog up. 

Turned around and it was August

It sure doesn't seem like the last time I came here was January but apparently it was. I have a lot to update. 

Jennifer's scholarship is moving along now. We held a Craft/Yard Sale in June and though the craft part of it didn't go as planned, we somehow managed to raise over $3,000! I was shocked, still am actually. But now, we have moved beyond the $5,000 required to get this thing official. We'll be having another bbq chicken plate sale in September, at the Bethel Unity Festival. I had decided to skip it this year but we had several requests to do it again so here we are. Last year we brought in between $500-$600. This year, my goal is $1,000. 

The scholarship has given me something to do to occupy my time. I've been rather lonely lately and the tv has been my only companion so this at least gives me something to do. But I have found some other things to occupy my time as well. 

I've started going to a Bible study with my cousin, Amy. It's a women's bible study and it's been interesting. It's focus is on how to have a heart for God. It's been uplifting and a little hard to digest all at the same time. The feminist in me has trouble accepting some of the things it is telling me about my role as a woman and wife. But I'm learning and it's somewhat helping me to be a better wife and person in general. I have a long ways to go though. 

On a slightly depressing note, Allen lost his job again. This is the third time in two years he has been laid off by the same company. I don't think Allen will go back a fourth time. He's found things to do to keep some money rolling in and he's got some plans of things he wants to do. So, I'm going to try and support what he does and see what happens. I can't imagine being laid off this many times is good for anyone's self confidence. I know it hasn't been good for Allen's. He needs to follow his heart and do what makes him happy. I'm willing to let him give it a shot. 

I turned 30 last week. It was an emotional roller coaster for me but I guess I got through it and just like a roller coaster, I was a little sick on my stomach when it was all over. I know I've done okay in my first 30 years but there's so much more I wish I could have accomplished. But I suppose it's never too late. I was fortunate to have people in my life that really tried to make my birthday special this year. 

I am trying hard to put myself back out there so that maybe I can develop some friendships. Since Jennifer died, I've been walking around with this brick wall around my emotions, terrified to let anyone else in. I have a lot of trouble trusting people, which is why Jennifer was my one true friend, the one person I can talk about anything. But then again, there are times I find myself just blabbing to anyone about my personal life and afterwards, I'm wondering what in the world I was thinking. But over the last five months or so, I've really needed a shoulder to cry on. Allen and I have been dealing with some issues that have put our relationship in a bit of a strain. I've found that I have more people than I thought to confide in. I guess it took me going through something hard to realize it. I guess making new friends means accepting the fact that maybe I'm finally getting over Jennifer. There are still times I'm at my desk at work, or sitting at home, and I just break down and cry. It's like I've found out all over again that my best friend is gone. I wonder if I'll always be like that. 

Finally, I just got back from TN. My whole family went and it made me realize how much I miss our family trips. We had a good time but didn't get to do as much as we wanted. There were some adventurous trips I had wanted to take but just couldn't fit it in our schedule. Hopefully, next year we'll do it again. 

I'm sure there's more that's happened over the past 7 months but I'm 30 and my brain just doesn't remember like it used to. As you can tell, my brain is also very scattered. I always hoped this blog would be a little more organized with some direction to it but so far it seems to be pretty random. 

Thinking...

Hard to believe it's 2010. This is the big year, the year I turn the big 3-0. I am NOT excited about that at all. It's not really that I don't want to be 30. It's just that I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this age. I'm so behind in life, I just feel lost. 

Today, I woke up in one of my funks. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to work, I just wanted to hide from the world. I get like that sometimes. It seems to happen more so when I'm home alone. Allen is still staying in Bethel during the week to work on my car and to save gas money so he's home once during the week and then on weekends. But this week, he won't be back until Saturday night so I've been alone three nights now and it's wearing on me. I tend to think too much when I'm alone and for me, that's not a good thing. 

I started the New Year sick and I'm still getting over that. I'm hoping it will go away soon. But other than that, my start to 2010 has been pretty unproductive, except for the lonely thinking I've been doing. 

I hadn't been on in a while, so I decided while I was kinda blah, it would be a good time to write. But now that I'm here, I don't know what to say. My life isn't exactly exciting. So that's it for now. Hopefully, I'll be able to get out of my funk soon.