Exhausted

How can you grow a healthy baby inside of you when you are too busy to take time to rest? That's the question of the day.

It's 10:30 on Friday night. I've been off work for an hour but now I am helping Allen with his school work. He's frustrated because he doesn't understand and quite frankly, I'm too tired to help him. So I'm just sitting here watching him get really pissed off. I just don't have the energy to help. I tried and helped some but I don't know anything about Excel. I mean really, I was in college like a decade ago.

I've already put in over 50 hours this week at work. I have to work tomorrow too. And Sunday is full as well. Next week, though it doesn't look as bad as this week was, will be another long week. I really don't know how much more of this exhausting schedule I can take.

People keep telling me I need to make sure I get plenty of rest while I'm pregnant. That's easier said than done and I wish I could adhere to those suggestions but being pregnant doesn't entitle me to 8 months of vacation time. But I do agree, things are going to have to change a bit, especially later on.

I can't continue running myself ragged. I can't do anything that will jeopardize the health this little baby. I would never forgive myself. But I do have a job and I need to keep it and any other time, I'd be quite happy about all the overtime but right now, I just want to crawl in bed and sleep for a few days.

I hope to lounge around tomorrow after I work but I know I probably won't. I have a house to clean and a family to look after. But maybe I can at least get a nap in.

If I'm this busy now, I can't imagine how my life will be once we actually have the baby. I need a nap just thinking about it!

November is turning into an exhausting month

This week has really wore me out. I'm either getting old or being pregnant really does a number on you. I can't work those long hours like I used to. 

Elections were this week so on Tuesday, we worked like a 16-hour day. On Wednesday, I was pretty sure I was going to pass out on my desk. I made it through but I'm still exhausted and feel like I could sleep for the next 7-8 months. The rest of the week was pretty exhausting too as I had something almost every night. But the week is almost over so if I can just get through it, I'll be good. 

I haven't felt to hot this week either. Aside from being tired, I just feel icky. I'm not throwing up but I just feel bad. I really want to crawl in bed and sleep. I'm probably just wore out. It's been a very crazy week and I've been on the go non-stop. I wish I could say it's going to slow down but it's not. I have to work on Saturday for a bit and then on Sunday, Allen and I are going back to Bethel to sit with Uncle Dean in the hospital. Then Allen has some things to do there so we'll be down that way for a while. Looks like November is going to be very tiring! 

Allen is continuing to push forward on the house. He's been busy this week and hadn't gotten to work on it much but he's still gotten a lot done. He put a wall up a week or so ago and has been working on tearing down the old wall. He did most of that this week. One night this week, I went to bed around 9:30 and was woke up by Allen around 12:30. He was playing with his phone and had searched for what a 10-week baby looked like. So he woke me up to show me what the baby looks like in its 10th week. I rolled over and looked at it and said, "Allen, I'm only 9 weeks" and I took the phone away from him and clicked back to 9 weeks and said, "wow, it has a head and little feet and toes" and rolled over and went back to sleep. HA! I know, it sounds insensitive but I was tired!!!! 

Allen is still his usual, lovely self. One morning this week, I woke up and went to the bathroom, which I do several times throughout the night, and I realized it was time to soon wake up so when I came back to bed, I sat on the edge of the bed and reached over to pet Domino, who was laying on the far edge of the bed and I guess I reached too far because I pulled something in my stomach. Allen started freaking out and told me I needed to be more careful. Um, ok, I'll never reach for anything ever again. Weirdo. It's going to get worse too. I can't wait. 

It's cute, right now, but I can imagine after several months of his paranoia, it'll get annoying. But at least he cares and is excited about the baby so I'm not complaining at all. 

But anyway, we're still counting down until Thursday, November 11. That's when we go to the doctor again and hopefully, get our first glance at the baby!!!

Losing the one thing I had left

In September, we had a bbq chicken plate sale during Bethel's Unity Festival to raise money for Jennifer's Scholarship. We did really well that day. I had set a goal for that day and we exceeded it and I'm pretty happy about that.

But something happened that day that I have not been able to forget about. That morning, I lost my half of the best friend necklace that Jennifer and I had. I wear it on occasion but always tried to wear it during fundraisers for the scholarship. The Friday before the sale, Allen and I had decided to camp out in my grandma's back yard. That way, we could try camping with the dogs. Plus, we still had Nash then and we thought it would give him a good experience. So we slept outside in tents with 3 dogs. It was interesting.

Before bed, I took my necklace off and put it in Allen's van, in the cupholder. That next morning, we got up before dawn. I went into my grandmas to shower (yeah I cheated) and when I went to get my necklace, I lifted it up and my charm fell off. I don't know where it fell. We looked for a while but I had to get to Bethel to get ready for the sale. Allen convinced me that it had probably fallen in the van somewhere. We never found it.

I thought about it all day and if I wasn't so busy that day, I would have went to a corner and cried about it. But I didn't have time. I've thought about it ever since and wondered if I'd ever find it again.

I know it's just a necklace but it represented a lot more than that to me. It was all I had left of Jennifer and it represented our friendship. I gave Jennifer that either in middle school or high school. I had held onto it for that long. It's one of those things that can never be replaced.

Today, I'm back to thinking about it. I hope and I pray that someday it miraculously turns up. I know it won't. It probably is buried in my grandmother's yard somewhere. I know I'll never see it again, just like I'll never see Jennifer again.

9 weeks and still counting

So I'm almost officially 9 weeks pregnant. I'm excited because that means I'm closer to my 10-week appointment, where hopefully *cross your fingers,* I'll be able to get a first glimpse of the baby. 

Luckily, the morning sickness has gone away for the most part. I still have days where I feel bad and there are times I still throw up but at least it's not constant so I'm happy about that. I am still tired all the time though and my back is already killing me. I can't imagine what that will be like in a few more months! 

Allen continues his extreme work on our house, to get it ready for the baby. He's moving along fairly well but of course, financially, it's going to be hard to do all this stuff at once. But we've decided to just pray about it and let God handle it. 

Allen has been really funny about this baby. He's so excited. It's really sweet the way he's acting. I never realized how much he wanted a baby and I certainly didn't realize how happy it'd make him to be having one. He's always rubbing my stomach (even though I'm not really showing that much yet) and he is spoiling me a bit. I admit, I like it. Last night, he put his head on my stomach and swore he could hear a very faint heartbeat. I don't know if he could or not but who am I to deny his pleasure of thinking so? I've put my hands on my stomach and swear I feel things too but I'm pretty sure it's too early to be able to feel it unless you have a doctor's tool or something. But it's exciting just to think about getting to see the baby on our first ultrasounds next week. I can't wait! 

In other news, prayers are still needed for my Uncle Dean. I sat with him on Friday and Sunday and he was doing okay when I saw him. In fact, we thought he was getting better but he started slipping on Sunday evening. He's not doing well now. I hope that he starts to improve again so he get better and come home. I know he's got a long road ahead of him but he's a fighter and I think he can get through this. 

Praying for Uncle Dean.

This has been a hard week for me. My uncle is in the hospital in Greenville and I'm in Nashville. 

I know Nashville really isn't that far away but I have a job that is rather demanding and it's hard for me to get away. But more so than that, I'm scared. 

I've never been good at hospitals. I hate going to them. I rarely visit people in the hospital. I just can't do it. When I think of a hospital, I automatically think the worst. It's weird, I know but it's just one of those things. 

But I feel like I should be in Greenville right now seeing my uncle and trying to encourage him to fight to get better, to let him know we aren't ready for him to go just yet. My family is amazing and have all made sure someone has been at the hospital at all times with him. Uncle Dean never married although he's had a girlfriend for like 50 years. So he doesn't really have immediate family. All he has is his siblings and then his nieces and nephews. 

I grew up a skip, hop and a jump from Uncle Dean. He and Uncle Ralph ran the little store beside my grandma's and I always went there with my dad as a kid. All the older men would slip me quarters so I could play the video games there and Uncle Dean and Uncle Ralph would let me get penny candy. When I was old enough to stay by myself, my dad would let me go to the store and charge what I wanted for lunch or snack. Many times, he'd call the store and get them to bring me food. They were just always there. The store closing was a huge milestone because none of us believed they'd ever close it down. Many of us thought they'd die in that store. Sometimes it seems like a part of them did. 

So Uncle Dean being so sick hurts a lot and reminds me of how great a person he is. I know if it is his time to go, then he'll go to a great place but I don't know if the family is ready for another death right now. I hope he pulls through. 

I worry about Uncle Ralph and I worry about my grandma and what this is doing to them right now. I know they feel helpless just like the rest of us. I wish I could take their hurt away. 

So I'm taking my shift for sitting with Uncle Dean on Friday and Sunday. I'm nervous because I don't want to go in there and cry and upset anyone anymore than I already am. But I know that I need to be there for Uncle Dean and for my family. All we can do now is pray. 

Still miss you

I imagined the day I found out I was pregnant to be a little different than it was. First, I had always wanted to find out on my own about being pregnant, and then coming up with some clever way to tell Allen. But of course, when you are throwing up all the time and craving apples, it's kind of hard to hide it. So that plan didn't work out. But nonetheless, I wouldn't trade it because I'm glad we found out together. Alone, I may have been tempted to talk to someone else first, to get ideas for how to tell him and then Allen wouldn't have been the first to know and that just doesn't seem right. 

Secondly, Jennifer isn't here to share this with. That sucks. I always imagined us growing old together, having our couple nights, our girl's nights and eventually, our get the kids together nights. I so looked forward to our kids playing together and couldn't wait to see whose kid could beat the other up. I was hoping it was mine, to pay Jennifer back for all those times she bullied me! 

It's sad to think about how she won't be here. I've moved on and have tried not to dwell anymore on her death and all the circumstances surrounding it but I admit, it's still hard. I miss her so much. I need a good friend now more than ever. 

But in other news, we got rid of our foster pup, Nash. Well we didn't "get rid" of him, we found him a forever home. It's bittersweet. I'm going to miss the little guy but feel super great about knowing Allen and I turned him into such a sweet boy and we know he will make his new family so very happy! I managed to get through everything without crying so I feel good about that. I'm happy for Nash and I'm happy that I was able to let go. I'd like to foster another but with a baby on the way, I guess we'll have to take a break. 

Still can't believe it, but it's true

So in two more days, I will be 7 weeks pregnant. It's hard to believe it's almost been a week since we found out. 

So my nausea has subsided some. I've been able to function and haven't thrown up in a while. I still feel tired and my tummy is a little odd feeling but I'm guessing that is because my baby is developing as we speak. That's a pretty thing to think about. But scary as well, especially when I do something bad, like eat a cheeseburger and fries, which I did yesterday. I decided I wanted a burger so I had a simple cheeseburger. It all stayed down too. But that's probably the worst meal I've had all week so I feel okay about that. And I'm still not having caffeine. Very proud of that but not proud that I am so addicted that I have horrible headaches. I guess they will pass eventually. I'm drinking lots of water and some juices and I do have the occasional Sprite but still haven't had any coffee. Ok wait. I did actually have a small glass of Coke on Saturday. I was so sick and my head was about to explode so I drank some Coke thinking it'd take away the headache. It eased off some but not a lot. I finally had to break down and take a Tylenol. 

So lots of people are talking about twins. I know they are probably all joking but it has gotten me and Allen a little freaked out. I'm secretly excited about the possibility, because it's like a two-for-the-price-of-one deal. Allen and I agreed we'd deal with that IF it were to happen but we said we didn't care how many were in there as long as they were all healthy. But really, I hope it's not more than two! 

Today, as I write this, I'm thinking about a lot of things. How we are going to afford a baby, how I'm going to lug a baby around in my little bitty mustang, how I'm going to help my kid in school, if I'm going to end up in jail for beating another kid up for wanting to date my little girl, you know, all those things. It's a lot to digest. But I feel good about it. I used to think I'd feel differently if I were pregnant, like my maternal instinct wouldn't kick in. I was pretty certain I didn't have a maternal instinct but maybe I do. I feel so happy that Allen and I have created something so amazing with our love. And considering the year we've had, this baby truly was created out of love.