I continue to make progress on Jennifer's scholarship though not as much as I'd like. I'm not really sure where to go from here, I guess. I met with the lady and talked to her about it and I signed the papers saying I was committed to it so now I just have to get rolling. So far, it hasn't gone far but then again, I haven't really done my part to get it going far. But I will.
On another note, I had something happen to me the night prior to meeting with the scholarship woman and I wanted to share. First, let me say that I am not one of those believers in the supernatural, or ghosts. It's not really that I don't believe but more so that I have never seen anything to make me believe. I've always wanted to keep it that way...until Jennifer died.
The night she died, I had to work late. I had covered Spring Hope and gotten home around 9 or so. I went to bed probably around 11 and my phone rang with the news that Jennifer was dead. Allen got home a little late that night as well but he was home before me. After her death, he told me that when he got home, he had a strange feeling and that the moon was a very ominous shade. He said when he walked in our house, he had this weird feeling that someone was there. The dogs felt it too. Then he said he heard a voice in our kitchen. The voice was familiar but he couldn't place it. I can't remember what he told me it said but it was something like, "I'm okay." We later found out that all this happened around the time Jennifer actually passed away. And once he found out she had died, he realized it was Jennifer's voice that had spoken to him. I know, it's weird and you may or may not believe. I don't care. I wouldn't believe it either except for Jennifer and Allen had that connection in that they both believed in that sort of thing and they both experienced stuff like that. I know Jennifer would have talked to Allen because she knows of the things he hears/sees.
When Jennifer died, I wanted so bad to have it too. I wanted to see Jennifer, to hear her tell me she was okay. She never came. Allen saw her once or twice out of the corner of his eye and that was it. She spoke to him maybe the same number of times. Everything is a blur. It's like when he told me about her and what he saw or heard, I still didn't want to believe. But one time, Allen and I had gotten into an argument over God knows what and as he went to Wilmington, he said Jennifer told him to listen to me and that I had a point or something to that nature. The way Allen described what she said though was so real. It was just like something Jennifer would say. That's probably the last time Allen heard from Jennifer.
Two years later, still I had not heard from her. And I had accepted the fact I probably never would. It was probably for the better. Allen told me that I wanted it too bad and she would come to me when I least expected it. He also said she wouldn't come until I was ready. I guess he was right.
I've struggled every day since her death trying to deal with not only the fact she's not here but also the fact that maybe I wasn't a good enough friend or maybe I could have done something to prevent her death. Sometimes, it seemed like an obsession. What could I have done to change things? What did I not see? I know I needed to move on but for the past two years, I haven't been able to. This scholarship was my way of letting go but also giving back to Jennifer.
It was the night before I was to meet with the scholarship woman to talk about setting up Jennifer's scholarship. It was May 14 that I met her. It was the night before I had the strangest dream. I don't generally remember my dreams. I don't know why but I just don't. If I dream something, I have to wake up right then and write it down or I'll forget. As I woke up on May 14, I felt odd. I got up and started getting dressed. It was then I remembered some of my dream. I was riding in a car and I don't know who was driving but I was in the backseat. All of a sudden, I see Jennifer's face. She was in the front passenger seat and she turned to me and said, "Amanda, I'm okay. You have to move on." Then she begins to describe Heaven and how happy she is and how she is doing fine. She tells me she wants me to let go. That's all I remember. I know as she told me this, in the dream, I was crying and shaking my head no, telling her that I was not ready yet. I felt at peace with things that day. Jennifer finally came to me.
I wish I could say that since then, I've felt at peace and I've let go. But I'm not sure I have. I felt at peace that first day and maybe the second but how do you know if you still feel that way?? I don't know. I just know that Jennifer wants me to let go so I need to let go. I finally understand now that letting go isn't necessarily forgetting. I guess it just means I stop dwelling on things I can't control. I can't fix the past and I can't change it either. I just want to move on, let go but never forget. I guess that's what Jennifer would want.
