Well, last week, I experienced my first earthquake. Yep, an earthquake in NC. What a freak thing!
I was sitting at my desk getting ready to send the last few pages to press when my desk starting shaking. I just assumed it was the guys across the street working on the county's new buildings. But when the shaking got worse and I realized no one was across the street, I became alarmed. Then Allen called. "Did you feel that?" he practically yelled at me. That's when I started freaking out! "You felt that!" Then he explained it to me.
"We just had an earthquake!"
"A what?!"
And so it was. An earthquake
I'm thankful that I survived the earthquake because quite frankly as I was shaking, I forgot about all the gigantic, heavy press awards that are hanging above my head. Thank God they didn't fall on me! I wouldn't have been able to do my very first earthquake story!
But anyway,the earthquake was over just as soon as it started and we North Carolinians then turned our attention to Hurricane Irene. This hurricane wasn't supposed to be that big of a deal for Nash County. Turns out, it was. Trees fell everywhere. Downtown Nashville between CVS and what they call Cooley Corner looked horrible. Power lines down, trees down. Again, I thank God that we fared well through this. We only lost power for 7 hours and we had no giant trees or tree limbs fall, only small ones. Someone is definitely watching out for us! Corbin did good too. He slept until like 12 on the Saturday it came through and I'm not even sure he noticed anything different was going on. I guess he still got his warm milk so that's really all he cares about.
The cleanup for others won't be so easy. Rocky Mount was hit pretty hard. As was my hometown of Bethel. My dad lost a barn full of his old, collectible coins and other mess. And my grandma's house got a little damage. But no one was hurt and that's what is most important.
So Tuesday, an earthquake, Saturday, a hurricane and now Monday, tornadoes! This is the strangest weather ever.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
Walking out
So, in my last post, I wrote about how a song had really touched me at the perfect time. Little did I know, God was forewarning me for something that would happen later in the week.
I thought things with my mother were going well. We email each other several times a week and nothing has really changed. She hasn't seen Corbin since he was born. She came to see him in the hospital but hasn't seen him since. She has mentioned in her emails that she wanted to see him and within the past 2 weeks has hinted that she wanted us to come visit her in Apex, which is over an hour away.
I never commented on anything because we've had stuff going on most weekends and really didn't have the time to go visit her. Plus, she's been in and out of the hospitals dealing with her many ailments and I didn't really think it was appropriate to visit someone with a newborn when they are under the weather. So I figured when she was ready to see Corbin, she would say something. When she started hinting at us visiting her, we had stuff going on and so I didn't respond. But, she was always welcome to visit us whenever she wanted.
Anyway, she sent me an email last week saying she felt like I was pushing her away and that I didn't want her in Corbin's life. She said was upset that she hadn't seen him since he was born. Then she went on to say that she'd be a great grandma to him and all this crap. Then she started talking about God and how God loved her and all this stuff.
Well, the email ticked me off. For one, she was making assumptions that weren't true. And two, she was using God as a crutch. I sat on the email for a few hours because I knew if I had responded right then, I would have went off on her and said some very ugly things.
When I did respond, I feel like I did so in a nice yet honest way. I told her that she'd been sick and in the hospital a lot and so I didn't think it was appropriate for us to bring Corbin there. But I reminded her that "the road goes both ways."
I then told her that I didn't think we'd ever have the relationship she wanted us to have. She seems to think she can take the 28 years she was not in my life and erase them. She thinks that I'm supposed to just wake up and forgive her overnight and I can't. I'm not ready. I was making progress but I was still not there yet. And I guess she didn't like that. I was honest with her from the beginning of this relationship. I told her that she had hurt me and that I had a lot of hatred and anger towards her and that it would take a while for that to be fixed. She was okay with it then.
In my response to her, I told her that Mama Ruth would always be Corbin's grandmother. She raised me and just because my mother decided to enter my life 28 years after she left, didn't automatically put her in the seat above my grandmother. Mama Ruth would always be his grandmother. Maybe that was harsh but it's the truth. She seems to think that I was just going to pretend like she's always been my mother and let my son think that as well. But that's not fair to my grandmother or to the many other people who were my moms. I've tried to make that very clear to my mother from the beginning.
Anyway, she wrote me back an ugly email and she told me that she knew our relationship would never work because I have too much hatred in my heart. Then she told me that I had never wanted Corbin to be a part of her life anyway and that I didn't want our relationship to work. She said she wasn't going to let me be mean to her so she didn't want anything to do with me.
It upset me, I'm not going to lie. It upset me because when things don't go her way, there she goes, running away again. It upset me because I ALMOSt let her have a relationship with my child and had this happened when he was older and could understand what was going on, I would have been really angry at her. I'm upset because yet again, I let her hurt me.
I don't feel like I was being unreasonable. I told her from the beginning that I had a lot of anger inside of me over what happened. And I told her it would take time for that to go away. But I really put forth an effort to let her in my life, whether she saw it or not. Yes, I may not have been as close to her as she wished but I have a heck of a lot of distrust for people.
The day after it happened, I was really upset. I cried some but I'm thankful that I at least know. If I had never let her in, I would have always wondered. Now I know. My mother may be this new, better person. She may have let God into her life. But she's still a pro at walking out on me.
I can promise you it won't happen again.
I thought things with my mother were going well. We email each other several times a week and nothing has really changed. She hasn't seen Corbin since he was born. She came to see him in the hospital but hasn't seen him since. She has mentioned in her emails that she wanted to see him and within the past 2 weeks has hinted that she wanted us to come visit her in Apex, which is over an hour away.
I never commented on anything because we've had stuff going on most weekends and really didn't have the time to go visit her. Plus, she's been in and out of the hospitals dealing with her many ailments and I didn't really think it was appropriate to visit someone with a newborn when they are under the weather. So I figured when she was ready to see Corbin, she would say something. When she started hinting at us visiting her, we had stuff going on and so I didn't respond. But, she was always welcome to visit us whenever she wanted.
Anyway, she sent me an email last week saying she felt like I was pushing her away and that I didn't want her in Corbin's life. She said was upset that she hadn't seen him since he was born. Then she went on to say that she'd be a great grandma to him and all this crap. Then she started talking about God and how God loved her and all this stuff.
Well, the email ticked me off. For one, she was making assumptions that weren't true. And two, she was using God as a crutch. I sat on the email for a few hours because I knew if I had responded right then, I would have went off on her and said some very ugly things.
When I did respond, I feel like I did so in a nice yet honest way. I told her that she'd been sick and in the hospital a lot and so I didn't think it was appropriate for us to bring Corbin there. But I reminded her that "the road goes both ways."
I then told her that I didn't think we'd ever have the relationship she wanted us to have. She seems to think she can take the 28 years she was not in my life and erase them. She thinks that I'm supposed to just wake up and forgive her overnight and I can't. I'm not ready. I was making progress but I was still not there yet. And I guess she didn't like that. I was honest with her from the beginning of this relationship. I told her that she had hurt me and that I had a lot of hatred and anger towards her and that it would take a while for that to be fixed. She was okay with it then.
In my response to her, I told her that Mama Ruth would always be Corbin's grandmother. She raised me and just because my mother decided to enter my life 28 years after she left, didn't automatically put her in the seat above my grandmother. Mama Ruth would always be his grandmother. Maybe that was harsh but it's the truth. She seems to think that I was just going to pretend like she's always been my mother and let my son think that as well. But that's not fair to my grandmother or to the many other people who were my moms. I've tried to make that very clear to my mother from the beginning.
Anyway, she wrote me back an ugly email and she told me that she knew our relationship would never work because I have too much hatred in my heart. Then she told me that I had never wanted Corbin to be a part of her life anyway and that I didn't want our relationship to work. She said she wasn't going to let me be mean to her so she didn't want anything to do with me.
It upset me, I'm not going to lie. It upset me because when things don't go her way, there she goes, running away again. It upset me because I ALMOSt let her have a relationship with my child and had this happened when he was older and could understand what was going on, I would have been really angry at her. I'm upset because yet again, I let her hurt me.
I don't feel like I was being unreasonable. I told her from the beginning that I had a lot of anger inside of me over what happened. And I told her it would take time for that to go away. But I really put forth an effort to let her in my life, whether she saw it or not. Yes, I may not have been as close to her as she wished but I have a heck of a lot of distrust for people.
The day after it happened, I was really upset. I cried some but I'm thankful that I at least know. If I had never let her in, I would have always wondered. Now I know. My mother may be this new, better person. She may have let God into her life. But she's still a pro at walking out on me.
I can promise you it won't happen again.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Blessings
I feel compelled to just write right now. I don't know why.
I had a moment of losing control of my tongue today. I said things I shouldn't have. I apologized immediately after and then I told God I was sorry. But it bothered me so I had to walk out and take a break for a minute. So I went and got a coffee.
On the way, a song called "Blessings" came on by Laura Story. It touched me and as I sat at the stop light to come back, I started crying. I guess I felt that song was speaking to me.
I'm notorious for pushing God away. So God has to continuously remind me that he's here by providing me with blessings through things that will remind me he's here. He has to give me trials and tribulations because when things are good, I don't thank Him and I don't acknowledge his existence. I would like to change that.
I'm amazed at the things I've been blessed with. I see God working through me and my family everyday and I am just amazed that God hasn't given up on me.
I know God is here. I look at my family and can see it. I am married to a man that is a perfect testimony to the power of God. I can't even begin to describe the changes God has made in Allen. And to someone that knows Allen not as well as I do, they may not can see it. But I can. And God can.
If Allen and I hadn't of been through what we have, we would not be where we are today. We wouldn't have grown as a couple and we wouldn't have realized the importance of putting God first in our relationship. And we wouldn't still be together. So this song fits us perfectly.
Now, I want this Laura Story's CD. This song is amazing. It has really made me think about some things.
BLESSINGS
Sung by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
I had a moment of losing control of my tongue today. I said things I shouldn't have. I apologized immediately after and then I told God I was sorry. But it bothered me so I had to walk out and take a break for a minute. So I went and got a coffee.
On the way, a song called "Blessings" came on by Laura Story. It touched me and as I sat at the stop light to come back, I started crying. I guess I felt that song was speaking to me.
I'm notorious for pushing God away. So God has to continuously remind me that he's here by providing me with blessings through things that will remind me he's here. He has to give me trials and tribulations because when things are good, I don't thank Him and I don't acknowledge his existence. I would like to change that.
I'm amazed at the things I've been blessed with. I see God working through me and my family everyday and I am just amazed that God hasn't given up on me.
I know God is here. I look at my family and can see it. I am married to a man that is a perfect testimony to the power of God. I can't even begin to describe the changes God has made in Allen. And to someone that knows Allen not as well as I do, they may not can see it. But I can. And God can.
If Allen and I hadn't of been through what we have, we would not be where we are today. We wouldn't have grown as a couple and we wouldn't have realized the importance of putting God first in our relationship. And we wouldn't still be together. So this song fits us perfectly.
Now, I want this Laura Story's CD. This song is amazing. It has really made me think about some things.
BLESSINGS
Sung by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
A year older
So I am now 31 years old. I don't really feel any different.
I had a decent birthday. It was very low key and I got to spend my evening with Corbin and my dad. My dad took me out to eat since Allen had to work. Allen also made my day special by making me a cute little wooden heart on a base. The heart has Corbin's name, birthdate and footprints on it. He also gave me a bunch of "coupons" that I can redeem for stuff like backrubs, a romantic night out and things like that. It was sweet that Allen did presents from the heart this year. I like those better anyway!
Each day, my little boy seems to grow. He is now 11 pounds. He seems to be developing quite well. I love to watch him discover things. And I love to talk to him and watch the way he stares at me like he knows exactly what I am talking about. I love it even more when he starts smiling at me in mid-sentence. I just love this little boy. He has certainly brought something special into my life and it makes this whole getting older thing a whole lot better.
I had a decent birthday. It was very low key and I got to spend my evening with Corbin and my dad. My dad took me out to eat since Allen had to work. Allen also made my day special by making me a cute little wooden heart on a base. The heart has Corbin's name, birthdate and footprints on it. He also gave me a bunch of "coupons" that I can redeem for stuff like backrubs, a romantic night out and things like that. It was sweet that Allen did presents from the heart this year. I like those better anyway!
Each day, my little boy seems to grow. He is now 11 pounds. He seems to be developing quite well. I love to watch him discover things. And I love to talk to him and watch the way he stares at me like he knows exactly what I am talking about. I love it even more when he starts smiling at me in mid-sentence. I just love this little boy. He has certainly brought something special into my life and it makes this whole getting older thing a whole lot better.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Yuck to August
Well it's August and I am not happy. Time is flying by too quick and I'm getting too old! Next week, I will be 31!!! Yuck.
I have been back to work for almost 4 weeks now and I'm finally getting back into the swing of things. Allen and I are learning how to share our new roles as mommy and daddy. And I'm learning not to cry every morning because I have to go to work and leave my little boy home. I'm always scared I'm going to miss something. It upsets me to think I'm missing him discovering things, like smiling and laughing and that he has hands. I worry I will miss something important and because Allen is a man, he will forget to tell me or take a picture or a video or something. Men see things differently and though I know he loves it when Corbin smiles or does something cute, he doesn't understand why I want to see it too, why I want him to capture that moment! So I end up missing it and having to try and capture it again for myself.
Anyway, I'm learning to deal and trying to enjoy the time I do have with Corbin. Some nights, all I'll have is bedtime but I'll learn to enjoy it and make the most of it. I am hopeful that one day, when I come home from work, Corbin will look up at me and smile and I'll be able to feel that he has missed me and is glad to see me home. I know that then, all this will get easier.
But back to the whole 31 thing, I have absolutely no plans to celebrate that horrendous occasion. In fact, it's on a Tuesday and that's when we put the paper out so I'll be quite busy that day and Allen will be working that night so that will make it a lot easier to forget. Yep, I plan to be a Grinch this birthday because maybe, just maybe, that will make 31 go away!
I have been back to work for almost 4 weeks now and I'm finally getting back into the swing of things. Allen and I are learning how to share our new roles as mommy and daddy. And I'm learning not to cry every morning because I have to go to work and leave my little boy home. I'm always scared I'm going to miss something. It upsets me to think I'm missing him discovering things, like smiling and laughing and that he has hands. I worry I will miss something important and because Allen is a man, he will forget to tell me or take a picture or a video or something. Men see things differently and though I know he loves it when Corbin smiles or does something cute, he doesn't understand why I want to see it too, why I want him to capture that moment! So I end up missing it and having to try and capture it again for myself.
Anyway, I'm learning to deal and trying to enjoy the time I do have with Corbin. Some nights, all I'll have is bedtime but I'll learn to enjoy it and make the most of it. I am hopeful that one day, when I come home from work, Corbin will look up at me and smile and I'll be able to feel that he has missed me and is glad to see me home. I know that then, all this will get easier.
But back to the whole 31 thing, I have absolutely no plans to celebrate that horrendous occasion. In fact, it's on a Tuesday and that's when we put the paper out so I'll be quite busy that day and Allen will be working that night so that will make it a lot easier to forget. Yep, I plan to be a Grinch this birthday because maybe, just maybe, that will make 31 go away!
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