13 weeks!

I'm getting closer and closer to my second trimester! I can't wait, for lots of reasons. One is I am hopeful this morning sickness mess will go away. I am tired of throwing up!!! But I'm also excited because I'm pass the "miscarriage" stage and I can worry less and try to enjoy the pregnancy a little more. I'm sure I'll still worry though because miscarriages can occur at any time. And, I'm excited because it means I'm further along and soon will be able to feel the baby moving around and kicking and stuff. HOPEFULLY, I'll be able to see the baby soon too! 

I thought I was finally through with the sick stuff but the last week has been awful. I'm back to throwing up except for now, it's very random. Before, I felt sick and would feel like I had to throw up. Now, I just all of a sudden throw up. But I've learned to throw up and move on. It doesn't even bother me all that much anymore. 

Thanksgiving this year was nice. We were able to make it through the whole day without any issues. Typically, each year, Allen's mom gets mad over something. She doesn't seem to understand that I have a family too and that I want to spend time with my family just as much as we want to spend time with her. So it's taken us years to get that through her head. She probably hates to have to share us but she at least is now trying to not complain and start drama anymore. I understand that it's probably hard to not have Allen all to herself for holidays. I'm sure my dad and family feel the same way. We're trying really hard to spend time with both families as much as we can. This year, we cooked lunch for Mama Ruth and ate with her and my Uncle Ralph, Aunt Louise, his granddaughter Jaimi and her husband and daughter. My Aunt Darlene and dad were there as well. I enjoyed being able to cook for them and prove that I'm not a complete idiot when it comes to being a domestic woman. My Uncle Ralph was taken to the hospital though and that really freaked me out. But it seems he's going to be okay so that's good news. Mama Ruth has been sick too and I'm really worried about her. I think she's probably depressed about Uncle Dean but also her health is not doing great. She doesn't seem to be taking her medicine like she should. I pray that God gives her the strength to get back on her feet and get better. 

That afternoon, we went to Allen's moms house and had dinner. We had told them from the very beginning what time we'd be there and every year, it's around the same time. And, every year, they usually don't eat until 5 or 6.  But this year, they ate early and ate without us. That really hurt our feelings because they knew what time we were coming and they've always done it this way but then all of a sudden, they decide to eat early. But we still got to eat cold leftovers and spend time with his family, which really is the point of Thanksgiving anyway. I imagine having a child will make all this running around even more stressful. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there. 

So I go to the doctor next week and I am very hopeful I'll get an ultrasound. I'm also hoping we can talk the doctor into letting us come back right before Christmas and finding out what we're having! That may not work but I'm going to try. I'll be 16 weeks the week of Christmas so I should possibly be able to find out what it is. I am so excited I can't wait. Since Allen and I aren't really exchanging presents this year, finding out what sex our baby is will be the best present ever. But of course, that may not happen and we may have to wait a few more weeks. If so, it'll be probably the first week of January. I can wait, I guess. I'm just really curious to know!!!

Say no to stress

Well as hard as I've tried, I cannot seem to just be stress-free. I guess there's just too much going on. 

I have a ton of thoughts in my head right now, many of them not even related to being pregnant. I worry about a lot of things that really, I have no control over and then I worry about things that I can control and I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. 

I know stress is not good for the baby but I'm just a natural worry wart. I have always been like this and things are just kind of tough right now for me and I'm having a hard time dealing with things. 

But, today, I am 12 weeks pregnant. I'm nearing the second trimester which is exciting and God knows I hope I'm nearing the stage where I'm not sick anymore. I have about enough of sick. 

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm looking forward to spending time with my family. I cherish, as much as I can, the time I get to spend with my Mama Ruth. She's 82 and I know that she won't live forever so I want to spend as much time with her as I can while I can. We'll be heading to her house for lunch and then going to Allen's for dinner. I pray for a drama-free Thanksgiving. Sometimes, with Allen's family, that is hard. For some reason, it's always hard for his family to get along on any holiday but a lot of the family doesn't even come around anymore so there's very few of us left so maybe this year will be a peaceful holiday. 

I'm thankful for so many things. I'm thankful that my family gets along and in tough times, is there for each other. But I am also thankful for Allen's family too. They are different and it's taken me a while to adjust but I do love them and enjoy getting to spend time with them. I'm thankful that I have a husband that loves me and takes care of me. He's not perfect and he's made a lot of mistakes but I didn't go into our marriage expecting a perfect man. I'm not really sure one exists anyway??? :O) 

I'm thankful I have a roof over my head, even though it leaks and is an ugly green color! I'm thankful that I have something to drive to work everyday, even if it is ugly and is in dire need of  a paint job. I'm thankful I have a job and work with people that I can get along with 8 or more hours everyday 5 days a week. 

I'm thankful for my two girls, Abby and Sheba. They have made my life a lot less serious. 

I'm thankful that God is a forgiving person and that no matter how many times I screw up or stray, he's always there. I'm thankful I have family to always remind me of that!!! 

This year, I'm most thankful for the little, beautiful baby inside my tummy. He/she is the best thing Allen and I have ever done and I can't wait to see him/her. 

My mom wants to do what??

So I got an email from my mother pretty much asking if she could be in the delivery room when I give birth. 

I've been waiting for her to ask because she's insinuated it a few times but I was hoping she wasn't that stupid. I guess I was wrong. 

My mom has been in my life now for 3 years. I still have a tinge of hatred for her but even if I didn't and things were great, I don't feel she should have the privilege of seeing such a wonderful thing when she skipped 75% of my life. 

Where was she during all the other important stuff in my life? Now she wants to be here for me? I just can't even fathom the idea. 

Imagine what that would do to my family, the people who have been there for me all these years. That would be a slap in their face and really a slap in my own. 

Allen and I haven't really talked about who would be there but we have talked about who wouldn't be there. Allen said it was my decision since it was going to be me going through everything and we agreed I would feel very uncomfortable with his mom, or anyone in his family, there. We also agreed my mother would most definitely not be there. But as for who would, I don't know. I would love for my dad to be there but I think that would be kind of weird. But when we get closer to that day, we'll decide. As for now, we're leaning towards keeping it simple and not letting anyone back there during the delivery. I think that's the only fair way to do it, since I have so many "mothers." I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings having to choose. But when we get closer to the due date, I guess we'll talk again. But I don't think anything can happen to make us change our minds about my mother being there. 

Now, I have to find a way to tell her HELL NO without hurting her feelings too bad. And I want to make sure she knows why I'm saying no. 

Thanksgiving and pregnancy

So Thanksgiving is approaching and it's hard to believe it's November. Thanksgiving will be the same this year as it usually is. We'll go to my grandmother's for lunch and to Allen's family for dinner and I'll miss out on seeing my extended family. But, such is married life. I'm just thankful I get to spend another year with my grandmother. I hope for many more, even though she can't cook anymore so that's left up to all of us. But I don't mind. 

I'm planning this Thanksgiving a little more, as far as eating is concerned. I can't stuff my face like I used to. Instead, I have to eat smaller meals but I eat more throughout the day. So I'm planning to eat lots of turkey, just in smaller intervals! That's pretty exciting. 

I've ate really bad the last two weeks. I have to get back on track. I'm still drinking okay although I have splurged on  more sodas than normal. But I haven't gone over my limit. I have just been really wanting greasy food. I plan to eat better this week, until Thanksgiving anyway! But really, thanksgiving food isn't that bad. It's vegetables and stuff! I'm not a big fan of the desserts anyway so I'll just skip those. 

This week, I'll be 12 weeks, which means I'm entering into 3 months of pregnancy. Time is flying by! I'm pretty excited about it but even more excited that 12 weeks SHOULD mean the stop of nausea and sickness. I sure hope so. 

On the verge of crazy

Lately, I feel like I have lost my mind. 

I guess there's so much going on that it's becoming just too much. Work is ridiculously crazy and each week, I wonder more and more how I'm going to raise a child while staying in the newspaper business. I guess I have 7 months to figure it out. I like what I do but it's very stressful and there are many long days. For the past 7 years, my job has been my life. But once the baby comes, that will probably have to change. Hopefully, I can figure out a way to combine the two. 

My emotions are all out of whack right now. I'm happy, sad, angry, depressed, sometimes all at the same time! It's hard to tell if it's the pregnancy or if it's just the stuff going on.

Uncle Dean passed away last week. I'm glad he's at peace and no longer has to suffer. I feel at peace with his passing but still, I am sad. I know the whole family will miss him. 

Our house is slowly coming along. Allen is working hard on it and we have a lot left to do but in the few weeks we've known about being pregnant, he has really gotten a lot done. With the holidays looming, I guess the main issue in the next few weeks will be finding the money to do all this! 

 

But all in all, things are always not as bad as they seem so I know we'll get through it all. 

Goodbye Uncle Dean

So the bitter truth is Uncle Dean is gone. He's still alive but Uncle Dean as we know him is gone. He left us about a week ago.

It's really sad because he was doing so well and we all thought he was on the verge of recovering and coming back home but then he took a turn for the worst. It's hard not to question it but I guess we all have to trust in God and believe that He knows what He is doing. 

Today, the feeding tube will be pulled. Eventually, Uncle Dean will pass away and go straight to Heaven, where there is no doubt he belongs. He was a great man and as much as I hoped he would recover, I'm happy knowing he will be in a better and won't have to tolerate doctors poking and prodding him anymore. But I'm going to miss him. 

It bothers me to think Uncle Dean could starve to death. It kills me to think he could suffer. I just pray that he passes away peacefully and without pain. 

Yesterday, Allen and I went to Hickory Grove. When I walked into church, I saw this strange man walking around passing out bulletins. That's when it hit me. Uncle Dean was gone. It had become so common to walk in those doors and see Uncle Dean's smiling face greeting people and passing out bulletins, I didn't even think about the fact he wasn't doing it anymore. But then I saw this strange man and it just tore me up. Uncle Dean would never be that person again. I know my hormones are all messed up right now but I cried really hard and I had to walk outside. I didn't want to upset Mama Ruth. 

Mama Ruth. I worry so much about her. I worry about Uncle Ralph and Aunt Louise too. They all lived so close and were so close to each other, not only in distance but in their hearts as well. They took care of each other. I pray that God will reach down and put his hands on their hearts and just take away all their pain and suffering. It's going to be a hard road for them, for all of Uncle Dean's family. He was such a great man. 

The first time I went to see him at the hospital, I told him I was pregnant. I had really just started telling people and I didn't know if he knew yet so I told him. He was sitting in a chair and he had been talking some so I felt it was a good time. After I told him, he just sat there a minute and then he said, "What does your dad think about it?" I'm glad I got to tell him the news. I wish he could be here to see the baby but I know he'll see it from a far better place. 

Uncle Dean has always been good to me and my family. I know he was just as good to lots of others. I pray for peace for all my family during this difficult time. 

Goodbye Uncle Dean. You were loved and will be greatly missed. 

Still no ultrasound of the little one

So I made it through the doctor's appointment last week. It went well, sort of. 

I had hoped to have my first ultrasound that day but of course, that didn't happen. The doctor thought it was too early so I'll have to wait 4 more weeks. I just have to keep telling myself that patience is a virtue that I need to try to possess. 

This doctor's appointment was basically for my doctor to do a complete physical and make sure my body was good for birthing a baby. I suppose I passed that test, since he didn't say anything otherwise. 

I also was supposed to take a diabetes test. Since it runs in my family, they want to test me twice, once early on and then again when I am further along. To take the test, I have to drink this juice stuff one hour before my appointment. I had eaten lunch and about 30 minutes later, drank the juice. I went home to pick Allen up and right before we left for the doctor, I threw up. Yep, everything came out, lunch, juice and maybe some breakfast. It was pretty gross and I haven't thrown up like that in a while. I was not happy about it and of course because I threw it up, they couldn't do the test so I have to wait another month. 

The visit itself was pretty standard. It was like my yearly appointment, which I dread. The only difference this time was that Allen got to sit and watch the whole thing. Um, awkward. But the good news is, my uterus is growing!! That's about as exciting as it gets right now folks. 

I'm getting more and more used to being pregnant everyday. I'm drinking lots of water and even adding some milk in there, which I'm not fond of. And, I am laying off the caffeine. I still drink some every now and then but I am not drinking more than one soda or coffee a day. My belly continues to slowly grow although most people wouldn't notice. Since I am overweight anyway, it'll be a while before I really show. But Allen can tell I'm getting bigger in my belly and I can tell some too. That's all that matters really, right?? 

Though I am not growing drastically in my belly yet, I am growing "up top." I'm not all that excited about that because I don't need to grow any there. But I guess it's part of being pregnant so I have to deal with it. Allen finds that part pretty awesome but I do not. 

So anyway, here we are. I'm on the verge of 11 weeks and counting down the days again until I can finally this little baby growing inside of me. 

10 weeks and counting...

So today I am officially 10 weeks pregnant. I still don't really feel pregnant, except for he occasional throwing up and feeling bad. I guess that's not entirely bad. 

My first real doctor's appointment is tomorrow and I really hope that I can get my first ultrasound to see this little baby growing inside me. It's a "see it to believe it" type feeling. I want to see it!!! 

It's hard to believe Thanksgiving is just 2 weeks away and even harder to believe that in a year, Allen and I will have a family to celebrate the holidays with! It's exciting, especially thinking about Christmas. We'll be more motivated to decorate the house and put up a Christmas tree. And I can read the baby stories about the true meaning of Christmas!! 

Things will definitely change in June but I'm excited about the change. I need a new focus in life. I never thought I'd feel so happy about being pregnant. It's hard to describe but no matter what this little baby is, I know I'll love it more than anything in this world. 

It's a boy?

It's hard to believe it's already Sunday. Saturday's seem to go by too fast.

I'm at the hospital right now sitting with Uncle Dean. He's sleeping, or trying to. I'm not really good at this hospital thing. I never know what to do or say to him. I can't understand him and I know it's frustrating for him. It's frustrating for me too and I'm sure for everyone else who is here. It's hard to see him like this. I hope that he soon gets well.

These long hours sitting here is also hard because I am hungry like every 5 minutes and I have to go hours without eating when I'm here. Uncle Dean has a feeding tube in and I don't feel right eating good food in front of him so I don't eat. Last Sunday when I was here, I went so long without eating, I got sick. This morning I ate a little something and hopefully I can sneak down to the cafeteria when Allen gets here and get a little something to tide me over. This eating every hour or so is probably the hardest part to adjust to as far being pregnant goes. I'm used to eating like 2 meals a day, with very rarely anything in between so having to eat little things every few hours is hard to manage.

Last night, Allen worked some more on the baby's room. We put up a wall in what will be our living room to expand the baby room out some but mostly, to change the way you enter the room. We're closing off the current door so both of our bedrooms will be accessed via the hall, so you'll walk into the hall and be able to go to the guest bathroom and then the baby room and guest room. To do that, we had to move the wall out in the baby room. Allen has the braces up for the new wall, it just needs sheetrock. Last night he worked on tearing down the old wall. There's a fireplace in the wall so that should be fun to take down. Allen thinks he'll be able to get the baby's room and the new living room completely finished by the end of the year. The only thing the baby room will need is some paint but we have to wait until we know what we are having before we decorate and paint.

Speaking of the gender of the baby, last night Allen predicted that we're having a boy. It's strange because he's been pretty convinced we'd have a girl. I don't know why but he just felt like we'd have a girl. There's this little trick he does to determine what you are having. He's done it to several pregnant women and has been right on all of them from what I understand. Allen has this weird thing where he takes a string and a sewing needle and puts it over your hand. You look at the way it moves and can tell what you are having. Okay, so some consider this some type of witchcraft but I call it magic because I don't believe in witchcraft. Allen has this weird gift with pregnant women. Even without the string, he can tell what they are having, once they start showing a little more. He's been right with that too. So the string trick said we're having a boy. I'm anxious to see if he's right. I'm not sure I really believe in his weird little trick even if it does work but it helps to pass the time and makes it exciting to think about what we're having.

I had mentally been preparing for a little girl so now I have to readjust my thinking. I'm just going to prepare for either and be happy with whatever it is. I really wanted a boy but when Allen beat it into my head that he swore we'd have a girl, I started thinking about a girl and was finally excited about having a little girl. Now I'm just confused. I'll be happy with either. I just want a healthy baby. Maybe we're having one of each?!? That would be pretty cool, even if it is scary!

A boy would be nice though because Allen has so much to teach a little boy. He's full of useless, scientific knowledge that only little boys would care about. I'm amazed sometimes at how smart Allen is and at how many things he could have done with his life had he only had a more supportive family. I know that our kid will definitely be supported in whatever he wants to do, whether it's sports, music, science or whatever. I told Allen if our little boy wanted to be a ballerina, we were going to let him be a ballerina. I don't think Allen liked that at all!!!

I'm not sure I have much to offer a little girl. I know a lot more about how to be a father than a mother. I can teach a boy how to play basketball but I can't put little bows in girl's hair!! I guess I'll learn though. I can only imagine that whatever we have, he/she will be beautiful and will hopefully be a perfect combination of both Allen and myself.

Exhausted

How can you grow a healthy baby inside of you when you are too busy to take time to rest? That's the question of the day.

It's 10:30 on Friday night. I've been off work for an hour but now I am helping Allen with his school work. He's frustrated because he doesn't understand and quite frankly, I'm too tired to help him. So I'm just sitting here watching him get really pissed off. I just don't have the energy to help. I tried and helped some but I don't know anything about Excel. I mean really, I was in college like a decade ago.

I've already put in over 50 hours this week at work. I have to work tomorrow too. And Sunday is full as well. Next week, though it doesn't look as bad as this week was, will be another long week. I really don't know how much more of this exhausting schedule I can take.

People keep telling me I need to make sure I get plenty of rest while I'm pregnant. That's easier said than done and I wish I could adhere to those suggestions but being pregnant doesn't entitle me to 8 months of vacation time. But I do agree, things are going to have to change a bit, especially later on.

I can't continue running myself ragged. I can't do anything that will jeopardize the health this little baby. I would never forgive myself. But I do have a job and I need to keep it and any other time, I'd be quite happy about all the overtime but right now, I just want to crawl in bed and sleep for a few days.

I hope to lounge around tomorrow after I work but I know I probably won't. I have a house to clean and a family to look after. But maybe I can at least get a nap in.

If I'm this busy now, I can't imagine how my life will be once we actually have the baby. I need a nap just thinking about it!

November is turning into an exhausting month

This week has really wore me out. I'm either getting old or being pregnant really does a number on you. I can't work those long hours like I used to. 

Elections were this week so on Tuesday, we worked like a 16-hour day. On Wednesday, I was pretty sure I was going to pass out on my desk. I made it through but I'm still exhausted and feel like I could sleep for the next 7-8 months. The rest of the week was pretty exhausting too as I had something almost every night. But the week is almost over so if I can just get through it, I'll be good. 

I haven't felt to hot this week either. Aside from being tired, I just feel icky. I'm not throwing up but I just feel bad. I really want to crawl in bed and sleep. I'm probably just wore out. It's been a very crazy week and I've been on the go non-stop. I wish I could say it's going to slow down but it's not. I have to work on Saturday for a bit and then on Sunday, Allen and I are going back to Bethel to sit with Uncle Dean in the hospital. Then Allen has some things to do there so we'll be down that way for a while. Looks like November is going to be very tiring! 

Allen is continuing to push forward on the house. He's been busy this week and hadn't gotten to work on it much but he's still gotten a lot done. He put a wall up a week or so ago and has been working on tearing down the old wall. He did most of that this week. One night this week, I went to bed around 9:30 and was woke up by Allen around 12:30. He was playing with his phone and had searched for what a 10-week baby looked like. So he woke me up to show me what the baby looks like in its 10th week. I rolled over and looked at it and said, "Allen, I'm only 9 weeks" and I took the phone away from him and clicked back to 9 weeks and said, "wow, it has a head and little feet and toes" and rolled over and went back to sleep. HA! I know, it sounds insensitive but I was tired!!!! 

Allen is still his usual, lovely self. One morning this week, I woke up and went to the bathroom, which I do several times throughout the night, and I realized it was time to soon wake up so when I came back to bed, I sat on the edge of the bed and reached over to pet Domino, who was laying on the far edge of the bed and I guess I reached too far because I pulled something in my stomach. Allen started freaking out and told me I needed to be more careful. Um, ok, I'll never reach for anything ever again. Weirdo. It's going to get worse too. I can't wait. 

It's cute, right now, but I can imagine after several months of his paranoia, it'll get annoying. But at least he cares and is excited about the baby so I'm not complaining at all. 

But anyway, we're still counting down until Thursday, November 11. That's when we go to the doctor again and hopefully, get our first glance at the baby!!!

Losing the one thing I had left

In September, we had a bbq chicken plate sale during Bethel's Unity Festival to raise money for Jennifer's Scholarship. We did really well that day. I had set a goal for that day and we exceeded it and I'm pretty happy about that.

But something happened that day that I have not been able to forget about. That morning, I lost my half of the best friend necklace that Jennifer and I had. I wear it on occasion but always tried to wear it during fundraisers for the scholarship. The Friday before the sale, Allen and I had decided to camp out in my grandma's back yard. That way, we could try camping with the dogs. Plus, we still had Nash then and we thought it would give him a good experience. So we slept outside in tents with 3 dogs. It was interesting.

Before bed, I took my necklace off and put it in Allen's van, in the cupholder. That next morning, we got up before dawn. I went into my grandmas to shower (yeah I cheated) and when I went to get my necklace, I lifted it up and my charm fell off. I don't know where it fell. We looked for a while but I had to get to Bethel to get ready for the sale. Allen convinced me that it had probably fallen in the van somewhere. We never found it.

I thought about it all day and if I wasn't so busy that day, I would have went to a corner and cried about it. But I didn't have time. I've thought about it ever since and wondered if I'd ever find it again.

I know it's just a necklace but it represented a lot more than that to me. It was all I had left of Jennifer and it represented our friendship. I gave Jennifer that either in middle school or high school. I had held onto it for that long. It's one of those things that can never be replaced.

Today, I'm back to thinking about it. I hope and I pray that someday it miraculously turns up. I know it won't. It probably is buried in my grandmother's yard somewhere. I know I'll never see it again, just like I'll never see Jennifer again.

9 weeks and still counting

So I'm almost officially 9 weeks pregnant. I'm excited because that means I'm closer to my 10-week appointment, where hopefully *cross your fingers,* I'll be able to get a first glimpse of the baby. 

Luckily, the morning sickness has gone away for the most part. I still have days where I feel bad and there are times I still throw up but at least it's not constant so I'm happy about that. I am still tired all the time though and my back is already killing me. I can't imagine what that will be like in a few more months! 

Allen continues his extreme work on our house, to get it ready for the baby. He's moving along fairly well but of course, financially, it's going to be hard to do all this stuff at once. But we've decided to just pray about it and let God handle it. 

Allen has been really funny about this baby. He's so excited. It's really sweet the way he's acting. I never realized how much he wanted a baby and I certainly didn't realize how happy it'd make him to be having one. He's always rubbing my stomach (even though I'm not really showing that much yet) and he is spoiling me a bit. I admit, I like it. Last night, he put his head on my stomach and swore he could hear a very faint heartbeat. I don't know if he could or not but who am I to deny his pleasure of thinking so? I've put my hands on my stomach and swear I feel things too but I'm pretty sure it's too early to be able to feel it unless you have a doctor's tool or something. But it's exciting just to think about getting to see the baby on our first ultrasounds next week. I can't wait! 

In other news, prayers are still needed for my Uncle Dean. I sat with him on Friday and Sunday and he was doing okay when I saw him. In fact, we thought he was getting better but he started slipping on Sunday evening. He's not doing well now. I hope that he starts to improve again so he get better and come home. I know he's got a long road ahead of him but he's a fighter and I think he can get through this.