Teary eyed and crazy

My heart has been kind of aching the last week or so. I feel like crawling in my bed and just crying my eyeballs out. I hate when I think about things.

I guess it's the time of year. There's so much going on and I'm super stressed and when I'm like this I want to call my best friend. But she doesn't answer her phone because she's not here.

People lose someone they love everyday. Maybe that's why I'm like I am. I've had to see people I know lose someone they love a lot lately and it reminds me of that feeling I felt on March 12, 2007, that night I got the phone call that I had lost my best friend in the world, just like that, with no warning, no signs and no time to say goodbye. It's the worst feeling in the world and I'm so scared that God is going to make me feel it again. I know he will but I just hope it's not anytime soon.

I can't believe I miss her so much after all this time. Four years and here I am, still crying over it. It's not like crying is going to bring her back. But damn, I miss that crazy girl.

Having Corbin has made it that much harder. Jennifer would have loved that little boy. She would have made him laugh each and every time she saw him, he would have made her laugh too. I can hear her telling me now how blessed I am. "Girl, you did good," that's what she'd say to me.

I just don't understand what makes me get in these weird little funks.

Recently, Bethel (where I am from) lost a young lady to cancer. She'd been fighting for years and she was so strong. She was the most faithful person in the world. Her momma babysat me many years ago. She died of cancer too. And so did this girl's baby brother. What a horrific thing this family has had to go through. But how inspiring to see their faith through all of this. The whole town knew this girl. She was that type of person. She passed away on Christmas Eve. It made me sad to think what this family has been through and it reminded me of the pain Jennifer's parents have experienced the past few years.

My boss also lost her mother recently to cancer. It was so painful to watch someone you care about have to go through that. It's not something you wish on anyway.

And then there's Hannah. She's 10 or 11 years old. She's Allen niece, well my niece, too, I suppose. She's something else. She was in our wedding when she was 3. She's had a tough life. She was born with extreme heart problems. She's had 2 surgeries already and she's had a pacemaker put in. In around 2 weeks, she'll have another surgery. It's a risky surgery and I don't know, I guess I'm thinking about the worst case scenario. There's something about this little girl. She's so sweet and she's always been so nice to me. She's always came up to me and hugged me and tried to get me to play with her doll baby's and me, being the weirdo that I am, was always freaked out by her. Kids freak me out, remember, so when she'd come jump on my lap and put her arms around me, I'd sit there, frozen and just not have a clue what to do! But she still does it. At Christmas, her little self walked up behind me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I'm getting better now that she's older so I just put my hands on her and said, "hey girl, what's up?" But all through the night, I watched her and wondered what she was thinking, if she was scared about her pending surgery. I'm scared for her.

So, maybe these things are what's keeping me all teary-eyed lately. But maybe I'm just crazy.

Goals and a New Year

Christmas is over! YES! I'm both happy and sad over this! Happy because Christmas is stressful and no matter how much I plan to not stress over gift giving and instead focus on the true meaning, I wind up being stressed out anyway. But I'm sad because Corbin's first Christmas is over.

This child is growing up too fast.

He's holding his own bottle now, rolling over, pulling himself up in his crib, drinking juice and just growing! I'm thankful he's such a healthy little boy but good grief, I feel like every time I blink, he grows.

But anyway we had a great Christmas. Allen and I are blessed. We got our Christmas present early (Corbin) so we had no expectations for this year. We just wanted to see our little man take it all in. He unwrapped most of his presents by himself and by the end, he was really good at it. He got that part down. We also tried to read to him some Bible Christmas stories so we could get a good start on teaching him the true meaning.

All the people and parties and stuff overwhelmed him at times but he did pretty good, I think.

Now, it's New Years. It's the time for me to focus on all the stuff I want to do in 2012 and all the stuff I didn't do in 2011.

So, I need to lose weight. Duh. I'm a woman so that, of course, is going to be on the list. I have to make it happen this year. I hate looking into the mirror. It's like there are 4 of me in there. When did I get to be such a giant person?

Organization is on my list too. Don't know how that will happen but I'm determined that in 2012 I will get more organized and I will finally have Corbin's baby book thing done.

I gotta get back into writing. I used to love writing. Now, I do it for a living and though I do love my job, I have no more brainpower left after I get a newspaper out each week. But I want to start writing more. It makes me happy. It gets me thinking. It helps me express myself. And even though no one reads this blog but me, I plan to start writing more in it.

I also want to start reading more. I have no time for book reading anymore. Well maybe I do, I am just not managing my time correctly. When I have free time, I am sitting on my butt playing on my phone (Facebook and Scrabble) so I need to divert that free time to reading. I want to read more than just novels and fun stuff. I want to read things that will give me knowledge, you know those pesky books you are forced to read in school so when you get out, you swear to never touch them again.

This is just part of my list. There's more. I just have to figure it out....and organize it. So, maybe by next year, I'll have it up here.

I am woman, hear me roar.

So maybe I'm not cut out for this whole wife and mother thing after all? I mean, it's a pretty stressful job and lately, I feel like I really suck at it.

I come home at night with Corbin and Allen is working. I try to play with him, feed him, bathe him and get him to bed and then I have to get the house clean. In between all that, I'm trying to pay some attention to my dogs. And this is after working all day long. Most of the time, the house doesn't get clean. Many times, I have to skip bathe time with Corbin because I run out of time and energy. So in the end, most of the stuff that needs to get done doesn't get done and I'm left with an even longer list for the next day. It's never ending and in the end, I'm not really getting to spend quality time with Corbin.

I've been super stressed lately. I guess I'm nervous about our first Christmas with Corbin. I'm nervous we'll forget something, I'm nervous the in-laws will create drama and ruin our first Christmas just like they've ruined everything else special that's happened in our lives (including the birth of Corbin).

And now, to add to the craziness, I have a stinking puppy in my house. My dad's dog died. It was unexpected and my dad was really bummed about it. It takes a lot to make him cry and that dog dying on him made him cry. So I set out to convince him to get another dog, a different breed of dog. I must have been crazy when I found this cute little lab mix puppy as I was interviewing a local vet here because I worked hard to convince my dad that this dog was "the one." She was sweet, she was a lab, she was a rescue. I even offered to keep her for a few weeks until my dad's new house was finished and so Allen and I could help get her trained. My dad didn't really want a puppy. He wanted a grown dog but I convinced him that a puppy could grow up with Corbin, would be easier to socialize with my dogs, etc, etc. So when my dad came to look at the puppy, he decided that I was right and got him...that day! And that day, I took the dog home. I was by myself that night. So I had a baby, a puppy and two six-year-old pit bulls to deal with!

My dogs are pretty laid back. They love kids, love people, love other animals. Now, one of my girls doesn't like other animals. She will behave herself and deal with them but she doesn't like to be messed with. So when I brought the puppy in, she ran up to it, wagging her tail, said hello and then was like, "ok I've met you, now leave me alone." But Abby, Abby is the perfect dog. She truly loves everything. She is the reason our foster puppy did so well. She helped us train him and played with him and took him under her wing. She's sort of done the same with this puppy but you can tell she's not happy about it. She's got this look that is so pitiful, like "you already brought a baby home, do we really need a puppy?"

But, I got myself into this mess. And in the end, it'll be worth it. My dad will have a semi-trained dog and he will have a friend to come home to at night. This puppy is just temporary. And when she leaves, I'll just go back to trying to figure out how to be a wife, mother and career person without going insane. They say God built women to handle all this stuff but really?