Teary eyed and crazy

My heart has been kind of aching the last week or so. I feel like crawling in my bed and just crying my eyeballs out. I hate when I think about things.

I guess it's the time of year. There's so much going on and I'm super stressed and when I'm like this I want to call my best friend. But she doesn't answer her phone because she's not here.

People lose someone they love everyday. Maybe that's why I'm like I am. I've had to see people I know lose someone they love a lot lately and it reminds me of that feeling I felt on March 12, 2007, that night I got the phone call that I had lost my best friend in the world, just like that, with no warning, no signs and no time to say goodbye. It's the worst feeling in the world and I'm so scared that God is going to make me feel it again. I know he will but I just hope it's not anytime soon.

I can't believe I miss her so much after all this time. Four years and here I am, still crying over it. It's not like crying is going to bring her back. But damn, I miss that crazy girl.

Having Corbin has made it that much harder. Jennifer would have loved that little boy. She would have made him laugh each and every time she saw him, he would have made her laugh too. I can hear her telling me now how blessed I am. "Girl, you did good," that's what she'd say to me.

I just don't understand what makes me get in these weird little funks.

Recently, Bethel (where I am from) lost a young lady to cancer. She'd been fighting for years and she was so strong. She was the most faithful person in the world. Her momma babysat me many years ago. She died of cancer too. And so did this girl's baby brother. What a horrific thing this family has had to go through. But how inspiring to see their faith through all of this. The whole town knew this girl. She was that type of person. She passed away on Christmas Eve. It made me sad to think what this family has been through and it reminded me of the pain Jennifer's parents have experienced the past few years.

My boss also lost her mother recently to cancer. It was so painful to watch someone you care about have to go through that. It's not something you wish on anyway.

And then there's Hannah. She's 10 or 11 years old. She's Allen niece, well my niece, too, I suppose. She's something else. She was in our wedding when she was 3. She's had a tough life. She was born with extreme heart problems. She's had 2 surgeries already and she's had a pacemaker put in. In around 2 weeks, she'll have another surgery. It's a risky surgery and I don't know, I guess I'm thinking about the worst case scenario. There's something about this little girl. She's so sweet and she's always been so nice to me. She's always came up to me and hugged me and tried to get me to play with her doll baby's and me, being the weirdo that I am, was always freaked out by her. Kids freak me out, remember, so when she'd come jump on my lap and put her arms around me, I'd sit there, frozen and just not have a clue what to do! But she still does it. At Christmas, her little self walked up behind me and wrapped her arms around my neck. I'm getting better now that she's older so I just put my hands on her and said, "hey girl, what's up?" But all through the night, I watched her and wondered what she was thinking, if she was scared about her pending surgery. I'm scared for her.

So, maybe these things are what's keeping me all teary-eyed lately. But maybe I'm just crazy.