Mood swings and weird stuff

Well, I suppose my weird mood is over.....for now anyway. I don't know. Things have been hard lately. I have all sorts of emotions going through me right now and no one to share them with. It's good and bad, I suppose. But today, I am better. We'll see how long it lasts.

This weekend, we didn't do a whole lot but we did get insulation up in the baby's room. I had hoped to start on sheetrock but money is tight so we weren't able to get it and even if we did, Allen needs help putting it up and he won't let me help much so we'd have to wait until we begged someone to come help us. So it could be a while before we move any further. I'm really disappointed but there's not much I can do about it, except maybe get a second job and I can't even handle the one I have. I have faith that it will get done in time though. It's just not happening fast enough for my impatient self. I want it done so I can sit in Corbin's room and think. I feel it will be my getaway, as it will be the only finished room in our whole entire house. So I will wait.

But anywho, I've decided that I am in desperate need of a hobby, something to keep my occupied when I am not working. Allen has tons of hobbies and right now, I have two; reading and writing. I'd like to find something more creative. I've thought about scrapbooking and since we have a little one on the way, that may become quite fun but I don't know. I just need something to occupy my time.

I have a girl's night coming up this Friday and I am super excited. I am in desperate need of a night out. I don't have a lot of girlfriends to hang with. I mean, I have people that I care about and that care about me but at the end of the day, we don't hang out or anything. Allen is the same way. We are each other's best friend, which is great, but sometimes, you need time away from one another and with those of the same sex. So Friday, me and a co-worker, who has become a pretty close friend, are going out to a movie and who knows what else. I hope Allen can find something to do as well. I know he's been wanting to have a guy's night with his dad but for some reason, it never works. I hope they can get together at some point and have a night together to do guy stuff. But we all need a night out of the house every now and then. So this weekend, I'm getting mine and I am quite looking forward to it.

Here I am, with nothing remotely interesting to say but when I am feeling this way, I write. It's what I do. It's what I've always done. So I came to this blog hoping to get it all out but now that I am here, well.....

I don't know what to say.

I'm just a little hurt right now. And alone. It seems like I'm always saying how alone I feel. I know, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not entirely alone. I mean, I have family and I have God and I do have a friend or two. Ok, just one friend. But still, when things are tough and I need someone to talk to, it just seems like no one is there. I talk to God but He doesn't exactly talk back to me. So it's not the same.

I'm overly sensitive right now and the people in my life just don't understand. I'm pregnant and emotional and I need attention and love and all that stuff. I need my husband to go above and beyond. I want flowers and candy and love notes. I want him to not be so stupid and to be more understanding. I'm carrying a human inside me, for God's sake.

I want my dad to show some type of emotion about his grandson. I mean, for God's sake, I have not been able to tell once that he's happy, sad, excited, angry or indifferent about this whole thing. It's so hard not having a woman in your life when you're going through something like this. I just want my dad to be happy for me and proud of me. But I will probably never hear those words. I guess he just thinks I know. It reminds me of that Reba song, "The Greatest Man I Never Knew." That's my dad. And right now, it's hard.

God, I feel like I need to be sitting in a therapist's chair.

I guess it will all work out, well the emotional side of me will eventually straighten out. The men in my life, well I guess they will always be idiots.

Gifts

Who knew a child that was not even born yet could have such an impact on your life?

Just over 3 months ago, Allen and I discovered that we were having a baby. It seems that immediately after finding out, our lives changed. It's hard to explain but our thoughts today now focus on our baby, how to prepare for his arrival and how ensure that after he is born, he has the best life we can give him.

I can feel this little being growing inside me everyday. On the days I don't feel him, I get worried and on days I do feel him, it just makes my day so much better. It's a funny thing.

Being a mother has always been on the back burner of my "to do" list. I have animals and I also felt they were all the kids I needed for now. I had other things to do. My career was important to me and I felt a kid would hold me back from moving forward. Now, however, I don't care. I just want to be there for my baby. I want to be his mother and I want to be his friend (but not too much of a friend I can't spank his butt!) and whatever I need to do to be those things, I am willing to do it.

I hope this baby changes my life even more so than it already has. I hope it makes me a better person, a better wife and a better friend. I hope he teaches me compassion and selflessness. I hope he teaches me how to love. And I hope he teaches me how to be a better Christian. Even before he gets here, I can tell I am starting to become all those things.

Babies work in mysterious ways and I believe my little Corbin is truly a gift from God.

Yes, the scholarship is still a go

With all the craziness that has came with the pregnancy, I feel I have thrown one important thing to the side; Jennifer's scholarship.

Last year, over $6,000 was raised. That's all good but I still have to raise $19,000 more and I need $5,000 of that this year. So I have to get motivated to get back on track.

We had two fundraisers last year; a yard sale and a chicken plate sale. Both went well but they were both a lot of work and it seems like Allen, my dad and myself were stuck doing most of the work. We had some help and I'm very thankful for all the help I got but at the same time, there were some people who committed to helping and who I counted on to be there but they only half showed up. I guess you always have those type of people at stuff like this. I don't mind doing the work anyway. In fact, I'm one of those people that believes in the phrase, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." So instead of counting on others to do certain important jobs, I like to do them myself to be sure they get done. This is too important to me to get messed up. But still, all fundraisers need help. Luckily, Jennifer's family and friends have always stepped up but a the end of the day, there's still a lot of work left up to me to do. And this year, there's going to be one thing that hinders me from doing as much as I usually do. Yeah, I'm pregnant.

Last year, during the yard sale, we started setting up before the sun even came out. It was me, my dad and Allen at first and then a little later, others came to help set up but we ended up behind schedule on getting started. My dad, Allen and I stayed the whole entire day. I don't think anyone else did, which is fine, because it's a long day and when you're dealing with volunteers, you take what you can get but I learned an important lesson. You have to give people a schedule instead of just telling them to show up when they feel like it. At the end of the day, we had lost a lot of our key volunteers. So when it was time to clean up, there was my dad, Allen and I left and maybe one or two more. We were left to clean up a lot too. And we had been there since like 5 in the morning. It was hot and we were all tired. I actually made myself sick from trying to do too much. So this year, I'm going to have to make sure we have people that come specifically to help clean up and people that come to help set up and then people in between.

I know I can count on my dad and Allen again and I don't know what I'd do without them supporting me in this adventure. But this year, I'm going to have to make sure things are more organized so we have more help. And I need to make sure we meet our goal of raising $5,000. So, I need to get on the ball.

I still miss Jennifer terribly and this scholarship has been the one way I've been able to hold on to her while doing something that has meant a lot to her family. It's helped me grieve more productively and it's allowed me to do something to keep Jennifer alive for her family. This scholarship means a lot to them and it means even more to me. So I have to make sure it continues to be successful for Jennifer's family and for myself.

21 weeks

So this week, I am 21 weeks pregnant, which means I am over the halfway point. It's exciting and scary, all at the same time. I am experiencing very overwhelming emotions right now and they range from extremely happy to extremely terrified and all those in between.

But anyway, I began to look at schools to see what our options were. I'm okay with public schools but at the same time, I worry about my little boy. I attend schools quite often and let me tell you, they are scary today, especially the middle schools. On top of that, as wonderful as teachers are and I truly believe teachers are like Heaven sent angels, they aren't allowed to truly teach anymore. They have to be obsessed with those end of grade tests.  I've had teachers tell me how bad it is and I know it's probably partially like that in private schools but in public schools, it's worse. I want my boy to receive a good education so he can do whatever he wants in life. I don't want him so focused on these stupid tests, that he misses out on receiving a real education. So I thought maybe a private school would be better suited for my little boy. But that costs money and when I began to research, I discovered it costs quite a bit of money so I'm going to have to find another job to give my boy a super great education, either that or get 2 or 3 jobs.

On another note, Corbin's room is coming along nicely though slowly. We are having to do things as we save up the money so it's taking longer than we hoped but it'll get done. I can't wait for it to get finished. I want to be able to go in there and just sit and take it all in before he comes, and maybe play with his toys too!! I just think his room will be peaceful and being there will make me smile.

We go back to our regular doctor next week and then the next week, we'll go back to the specialist in Raleigh for another detailed ultrasound. By then, I'll be 23 weeks along and they feel they can get a better look at his heart. I hope everything looks as great as it did last time and I hope we get more pictures of him moving all over the place. It was such an amazing thing to actually see him inside of me. I wish I could see him everyday!!!

Aches and pains and moms

This has been a tough past few days for me. I've been very lonely and in need of someone to talk to. I guess it has reminded me that I don't really have a "go to" person anymore nor do I have a mother to call to chat with about things going on right now.

I've never really felt deprived of my mother. There have been a few times I've wished I had one but for the most part, I've had other women figures in my life to fill in. But for some reason, right now, it's just not the same.

I would imagine other women would have their mothers calling them every other day to check on them, to check on the baby, and to offer them words of wisdom and comfort to ensure them everything they are going through is normal. That's what I need right now and that's what I don't have.

This weekend, I had something happen that terrified me. I was in bed on Friday night and I rolled over from my back to my side and all of a sudden, I had this horrendous pain in my stomach, on the side. It was a horrible pain and I immediately wondered what I just did. Well after the pain went away, I was sore the rest of the night and all the next day. But what concerned me the most was that after that, I couldn't feel the baby bouncing around anymore. I couldn't feel him moving or kicking and it scared me. Throughout the next day, I continuously was sore but off an on, I'd still get these sharp pains in my stomach, on the same spot on the side. It scared me so bad, I stayed in bed the rest of the weekend. I kept wondering what I would do if something were wrong, if I had done something to hurt the baby.

I finally got online and did a quick search for my symptoms and found that lots of pregnant women pull muscles in their stomach and it hurts like you know what. So I was somewhat comforted by that but of course, still worried. Then, on Sunday, Abby, my dog, was laying in bed with me when all of a sudden, she decided to get up and jump off the bed. She used the other side of my stomach as a trampoline and bounced off my stomach. That didn't feel so good either and it left me curled up in a ball holding my stomach in tears.

They say your baby is very much protected inside you so it would take a lot to actually hurt the baby but still, it's hard not to worry. I was aching and in pain the rest of the evening and still, I am hurting a little. All this is probably normal but it's hard not to worry when you don't have anyone to talk to about it and assure you that it's just growing pains.

A house full of kids

So, I have never really liked kids. They kind of freak me out, which is why I've never been 100% determined to immediately have kids after Allen and I were married.

I've never been one of those people that ooohed and ahhhed over babies. I don't like holding babies and when they look at me and laugh, it seriously freaks me out. Yes, I am a strange person. But that's just how I am.

It's amazing what pregnancy can do to you. I went from being scared of kids to being pregnant and now, all I can do is think about kids. I find myself thinking about how soon after Corbin is born are we going to wait to have another one. I've also been researching adoptions, just in case that's something we want to do. I mean, even the few times I've considered having kids, I only thought I'd have one or two but now I'm thinking maybe 3 would be nice. It's odd.

I'm still not running around trying to hold other people's kids and the other day when I had to take pictures at an elementary school, it still freaked me out but it was a little different. I feel myself slowly coming around.

Once we have this little baby, I guess we'll see if I still feel the same way. I mean, if I have to endure a 24 hour labor, I doubt I'll be all eager to jump in and do this all over again. But, if I go to the hospital and little Corbin pops out in like an hour and I don't feel the need to rip anyone's head off during labor, then I may want to do this all over again. In that case, we may end up with a house full of kids! Now that is scary.

Movers and shakers

Little Corbin is really starting to move around a lot and finally I can feel him! It's a strange feeling to have a baby inside you just bouncing all over the place. It's hard to describe. It does feel a little like butterflies fluttering around in your stomach but sometimes, it just plain hurts, like a gorilla is on a rampage inside my stomach.

I feel my stomach growing every single day though I'm still not sure anyone else can tell. I guess I just normally look like a giant hippopotamus. There are strange things happening with my body. This is where having a mother would come in handy. It would give me someone to discuss this stuff with, to tell me it's all normal and blah blah blah. But I don't have that mother and even though I had women that raised me and I think of as mothers, it's just not the same. It makes me sad.

But anyway, despite all the weird things happening with my body, I am content because I have this giant miracle inside me and that feels pretty good.

Reality is sinking in

So, I feel very emotional right now. Emotional and alone. And it sucks.

Reality is finally hitting me, I suppose. How in the world am I going to financially provide for a baby? How in the world am I going to give a baby everything in the world that he wants?

Right now, I'm the only one working full-time and truly, it's been that way for 95% of the past 7 years of my life with Allen. He just has issues with keeping a job. Many of the issues aren't his fault. It's the type of work he finds but he's been unemployed A LOT during our marriage but somehow, we've managed to make ends meet on my little, bitty newspaper salary. That's going to soon change. My salary barely supports us. It will definitely NOT support a baby too. Allen has worked odd jobs here and there and he's working part-time now but right now, that's about all you can find out there.

So, Allen wants to start a martial arts business. I support that 100% but at the same time, I financially can't support that dream. It's hard because I can't make his dreams come true. And to do something like this, you do need a little bit of a nest egg. We don't have that.

So, we're stuck trying to figure things out and we're forced to figure them out alone because our support system isn't very large. My family doesn't take risks so obviously him starting a business is not going to go well in their eyes. And his family, well, they're just not the supportive types so we're stuck trying to figure this out, just the two of us.

And I'm in the corner wondering how in the world this is going to work. How can I continue to support this family financially while at the same time take care of it physically too? It scares me. Our house is still not even close to being finished. I like to think Allen's working as hard as he can on it but for someone who only works 10-15 hours a week, I was thinking we'd be further along. I just worry that the baby will come and here we'll be, still working on the house, still trying to figure out the financial aspect of life.

I've been fairly stress free over this whole baby thing. But there are days when I just can't give all my problems to God to deal with. There are some days where I just take them back and look at the list and freak out.

The reality of it is, we have a baby on the way and it's a big responsibility so there's some growing up that needs to happen over the next 5 months and some decisions that will have to be made. Somehow, we have to make the best choices that will have the best impact on our baby and ultimately, ourselves. So, I've got to pull myself out of the corner and get back on my knees and pray about it. Right now, that's the only thing I know to do.

It's a what?

So on Friday, we made the trek to Raleigh for our very first ultrasound. Prior to the ultrasound, we had an appointment for genetic counseling. During that, the lady wrote down all our immediate family members and everything that is wrong with them. Mine only took 5 minutes. Allen's took 5 years. He has a lot of siblings and his family has A LOT of health problems. So we discussed the health issues and focused mainly on the heart issues. In the end, the lady said Allen could get a chromosome test done which would help determine if maybe there was a chromosome missing or something like that. When she started talking about scientific stuff, I started counting the ceiling tiles. Anyway, either way, the end result would be me having to get an amniocentesis. If you know about those, you know they use a really long needle to stick in your belly to pull out some of the amniotic fluid. First of all, that long needle seems pretty scary. Second, and most important, there is a 1 in 300 chance having an amniocentesis done can kill the baby. So Allen and I had already discussed having this and decided that we would not do this under any circumstance.

Because of the detailed ultrasound were getting, we were told we could probably find out then if there were any major heart problems, like if a chamber was missing or if it wasn't beating right so we decided to just rely on that and cross our fingers the baby is okay. Honestly, if I found out something was wrong, I'd spend the next 5 months worrying about it, which isn't good for the baby. And really, what can we do about it if something is wrong? So, we're leaving it in God's hands.

The ultrasound came next and it was an interesting experience. They put this gel stuff on your belly and move this wand all around it and you can see the baby. It was moving all around and bouncing all over the place. I had drank a cup of very strong coffee with lots of caffeine to ensure the baby moved a lot so we could tell what it was. It worked!! The heart was beating perfectly and everything was there that was supposed to be. The ultrasound tech measured all his body parts and said he looked perfectly normal. What an amazing experience, to actually see our little baby moving around, dancing and waving and sucking his/her thumb. It was very emotional and it was hard not to cry but I managed to be strong and not shed a tear.

The ultrasound took forever it seemed like and once they got the technical stuff out of the way, they asked if we wanted to know what it was. Of course we did!!! So she went scoping out "down there" and what do you know, found the private area of a little boy. Yep, it's a little boy. Allen and I were truly shocked!

Originally, we had said it was a boy but later, we started to get this weird instinctual feeling it was a girl. We felt pretty strongly about it too. So to see our little boy's weenie pop up on that screen was a shock! A good shock but a shock!

Though we truly didn't care what we were having, we were happy about our little boy. He was beautiful, even if I didn't really get to fully see all his features. I know he will be perfect.

Corbin Nicholas Clark. That's the name we had decided on for our little boy years ago and amazingly, when we found out we were having a little boy, it's the name we still want to use. So little Corbin will be born in just 5 more months! Time is flying by so fast!

In 5 more weeks, we'll have to go back to Raleigh for another ultrasound. I'll be 23 weeks then so they want to check his heart out again just to be sure. I can't wait to see my little baby bouncing around again! It was the best feeling in the whole world. I feel so blessed right now and I am so thankful that God has given us this precious gift!

Heartbeats and footprints.

We got to hear the hearbeat again and it sounded good although I didn't really realize it was the heart beating until afterwards. I have a lot to learn, I suppose! Luckily, Allen knew and we got this one on tape.

Later that night, we finally felt the baby move. We had just had dinner and I was feeling really tired. I had gotten up extra early that day and was just exhausted so I thought I'd go lay down and rest a bit and play some music for the baby. I thought I had felt it moving around on the way home from the doctor so I was hoping I could lay down and be still and maybe feel it again. After a while, I started to feel something and it felt like the baby was running up my stomach and flipping! I called in to come feel and by then it had stopped but finally he/she kicked for Allen too. It was so awesome to feel the baby moving around in there.

I can't wait until Friday for our other appointment. I'm so read to see the baby and find out what it is. Also, I'm ready to find out if the baby has an health issues we need to worry about. I'm trying to stay positive that the baby will be perfectly healthy.

But as for the baby's gender, here it is. I'm going to make an educated guess. We'll just call it mother's intuition. My guess is that it's a girl. That's just the way I feel. Allen is kind of thinking the same thing. If we turn out wrong, we won't care because we really don't have a preference. I think we just have some intuition that it might be a girl. I guess we'll find out tomorrow if we're right.

Music to its ears

I've started trying to play music for the baby and talk to it too. It's kind of weird talking to your stomach. I mean, I admit, I talk to myself in the car and maybe even at home, but to talk to my stomach, that just seems odd.

Allen talks to it too. He'll lean down and say, "hey little one" and all sorts of other things. We both agree that it would be nice to know what we are having so we can address it with a name or something instead of "hey you down there."

They say talking to your baby soothes it and gets it used to your voice. And playing music for him/her can make them smart. They even say if you have dogs, you should make your dogs bark some so the baby can get used to it and when it's born it'll be used to barking and will sleep right through it. When we get the dogs all excited, they bark so we'll have to do that more so the baby will be familiar with it.

This whole baby inside me is a very new, odd concept. But I feel different. I can't feel the baby yet, I haven't seen it but it's like from the moment, or close to it at least, that I became pregnant, I could tell there was something magical inside me. I just know it's there. I get worried every now and then because I can't feel it but then I realize that you just know. I feel like the baby is in there growing everyday and I feel like it's going to be a strong, healthy baby. I hope that on Friday, I am proven right.

 I can't wait to see the ultrasound of the little human that I've been carrying around the past 4 months. I'm sure it'll be a little emotional and surreal, for both Allen and myself. Time is slipping away so fast and before you know it, the baby will be here and life will change as we know it. I hope that I can continue to treasure the moments this little baby has given me.

Just a few more days before we make our rounds to the doctor and find out what gender this little baby is. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.

On Wednesday, I go for my routine checkup. Friday is when we head to Raleigh for the "big appointment," appointment where the baby is thoroughly checked over to be sure there are no heart problems and/or other issues going on. That is also when we'll find out what we are having.

I wish I could say I had a feeling of what it was but I don't. If I was forced to guess, I'd guess that I was having a girl but I could be wrong. It's been very nerve wracking having to wait. I don't know how other parents can wait 9 whole months to find out because they want to be surprised! I could NEVER do that! I'm way too nosey. Plus, I'd like to be more prepared. Girls and boys are different and to me, there are different things you do to plan for each. For girls, daddy's get their gun cabinets well stocked, make sure the windows are nailed down and all that good stuff. For boys, well mommy's do the same thing!

I truly don't care what it is. I told Allen I was nervous about having a girl because since I grew up without a mother, I'm not sure I have much to offer a little girl, in terms of girly stuff. I can teach her how to play basketball, the trumpet and run in the mud but cheerleading, dance and all that stuff? Um no. I tried all that when I was a kid and I hated it! I'm scared to be a mother because I feel like I don't know how to be one, especially to a little girl. But hopefully it will come naturally.

If it's a little boy, I'm sure over time I'll start to be nervous about that as well. Boys like snakes and rats and things like that and to even think about the mean tricks a little boy and Allen could play on me, makes me want to cry. Allen is bad enough. He's always messing with something. Can I really handle another one??

Either way, I'm sure I'll be thrilled. I just want our kid to healthy and happy and whether it's a boy or a girl, I'm sure it's going to cause it's fair share of trouble. It is, after all, me and Allen's kid.

2011 and still missing you

Wow, I didn't get to start out 2011 with a bang as I had hoped but nonetheless, here we are. I'm gonna make the best of it regardless.

I started the New Year off thinking about Jennifer. It had to happen some time or another. I went to Pitt County with Allen on Thursday and Friday so he could do some work for my dad. I just hung out at my grandma's house. I woke up on Thursday sick so once I got where I could leave, we went down there and I spent most of the day lounging around. On Friday, though, I had plans to do a few things. I had wanted to see a few people I hadn't seen in a while and I had decided I wanted to go visit Jennifer's grave. I never made it to any of those places.

Going to Jennifer's grave makes her die all over again. Seeing her name on a tombstone just takes my heart and twists it completely around. I know she's dead and gone and in a better place but just being in a graveyard with my once best friend completely hurts my soul. I was completely devastated that I didn't go because I like to go and talk to her. Once my heart untwists itself, I enjoy sitting down and chatting with Jennifer and pretending she can hear me. I wanted to tell her about the baby and how excited we are. And I wanted to tell her how much I wished she were here to be a part of it. Allen and I had always said Jennifer would be the Godmother to our child. We just always thought that was how it would be. It hurts to know our baby will miss out on Jennifer's warmth and kindness.

On Saturday, we rented some movies. One of those was Charlie St. Cloud. I've been wanting to see if forever so we finally got it and it was a great movie but I cried a lot and then of course, it made me think of Jennifer, which made me cry some more. I kept wondering if that whole situation were possible, if there was even a chance Jennifer's spirit could have stuck around and we could have still been best friends and met everyday and chatted. It sounds odd but you take what you can get and I miss our talks. I miss her verbally slapping me around and telling me what to do and how I need to let my problems go and give them to God because I'll never be able to handle them all. It's selfish of me to even want that, to want Jennifer's spirit to still be here instead of with God, where she is happier. I just wish I could sit down and have a talk with her. I've tried the best I can to move on but it's still hard, especially now when I have something so exciting going on and no best friend to share it with.