I don't do this for the awards but....

So, last year I won my very first NC Press Association Award. I won first place in news enterprise reporting for my work on an annexation case that was going on here. It's surprising because investigative, enterprise type stories aren't really my thing but nonetheless, I was pretty dag-on excited to have finally won and to have won first place was even more exciting. I've been a part of awards in the past. My whole paper has won awards and of course, I'm a part of that but each year, I crossed my fingers hoping I'd finally win something of my own.

To me, it's not about winning an award. It's more about growing. I've been a reporter since March 2003. So to go around 7 years without winning anything, not even third place, made me question whether I am really worth a crap when it comes what I do for a living. Am I getting any better as a writer, as a reporter, or am I staying the same and not growing at all? By not winning anything, it makes me feel like I am not doing good enough, like I am not growing. That makes me sad and it makes me question if I should be in this business.

Each year as it gets around the time of year for the announcements to be made of who won, I always get really nervous and antsy. I know I'll never get that magical letter that says, "you won!" But last year, I did, just before Christmas. I was so excited. This year, I got the magical, "I'm sorry you suck and did not win (again) letter." It hurts because I try hard to be a good, fair reporter. And I feel like when I don't win anything for the paper, I'm not only letting myself down, I am letting my paper down. If you walk into our office right now, you'll see dozens of awards from the NC Press Association. The awards go back 50 plus years. The Graphic has always won awards. I've been here for almost five years and I've won one thing for this paper? If I were the Graphic, I would have done booted me out the door.

But then I look at who is winning these things and I can't help but thing, there's some type of conspiracy going on. There are papers winning awards who quite frankly, aren't worth a crap. I know I'm a little biased and all, but seriously, it doesn't seem right. It just seems to be a bunch of bull and a waste of money to even go for these things.

I just want to grow. I want to know that in the 7 or 8 years I've been doing this, I'm getting better. I want to know I'm becoming a better writer and a better reporter. I like to think I'm a different type of reporter. I'm not a very mean, angry, aggressive reporter. I try to be nice first and usually people respect that and I get what I need or want. But I do my job and if that means I have to be a butt, then I'll be one. BUT I always try the nice route first. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong so that maybe I could change it and become better at what I do. I have given up a lot for this career. I work nights, weekends and some holidays and I work for far less money than I could be making elsewhere but I don't do this job for money. I do it because I love it. Being a reporter has forced me to become more social and has brought me out of my little shell. I guess I think an award will maybe prove that everything I've given up has been worth it.

Snow, 14 inches of it

I have mixed feelings about the snow. I love it yet I hate it.

I love it because it brings out the kid in me. I want to run around in it and play and fall down and make snow angels and snowmen and throw snowballs and Allen and my two girls. But, I hate it because I'm terrified to drive in it and of course, because of my job and the fact that I'm a grown up, I can't miss work because of snow.

They kept saying we'd get snow on Christmas Day this year and as exciting as that may have been to some, it freaked me out. We were going to be in Pitt County on Christmas Day and I didn't want our family time be cut short because of snow and I sure wasn't going to stay down there and drive home in the middle of a blizzard, so I kept listening to the news to see what the latest predictions were. Finally, they said it snow late Christmas Day, probably after dark. That gave me some comfort because we wouldn't have to rush quite as much.

This year, we spent Christmas Eve in Bethel. We always do Christmas Eve gift stuff with my dad and grandmother and since we go back down there on Christmas Day, we decided that this year, we'd spend the night. Gas is like $3.00 a gallon and it just made sense to save money and stay down there. So we did. We went to the Christmas Eve service at my church, then had dinner with my dad, grandma and aunt. Then we went back to my grandma's house and did our presents. Then, we went to Allen's parents and spent some time there. We went back to my grandma's around 1:30 a.m. and went to bed.

On Christmas Day, we got up and went back to Allen's parents and stayed until around 2 and then went back to my grandma's for the big family party. We stayed there until maybe 4:30 or so and then went back to Allen's parents. Yes, we drove back and forth a lot! But, our families only live like 5 minutes away from each other. Sometime between 8 and 9, a friend of mine texted me to tell me it had started snowing in Nash County and had been for maybe an hour or so. So that was our cue to pack it up and head home. We didn't hit any snow or rain until we got to Nash County but the roads were fine until we got to our road and even then, it was just a little slippery.

We had a good Christmas. I am thankful that this year, Allen's family was able to get along and there wasn't any drama. That's not always the case.

Once we got home, the snow fell and fell and fell until around 14 inches had fallen in our yard. It was a beautiful site and it makes me so happy to live in the country because it's so pretty when it snows.

We stayed home on Sunday and I had to miss work on Monday because of the roads, though I did work from home and got right much done there. And now, the weather is supposed to get up to 60 degrees so I assume the snow will soon be a memory.

But overall, this snow wasn't so bad. Allen drove me to work on Tuesday and it made me very thankful to know I have such a good husband. But in the future, I hope we can get our hands on a 4-wheel drive vehicle so maybe I can try my hand at driving in the snow.

Straight to the heart

Last week, I got a letter from UNC-CH confirming my appointment for January 7. I never knew about the appointment but we had asked at our last regular appointment if we still were being sent to Chapel Hill for testing. So apparently an appointment was made and luckily, it's on a Friday, so I can make it. At first, I was super excited because we are scheduled for an ultrasound at our January 5 appointment and the doctor said IF the baby cooperates, we can tell what it is. SO if the baby does not cooperate, we'll still be able to find out, on January 7 during our other ultrasound.

Today, a lady from Nash OB-gyn called to confirm my appointment and to talk to me about it. I guess that's when it hit me. I'm not going to this appointment for fun, to see what the baby is. We're going to this appointment because there's a chance that our baby could have a heart defect of some kind.

The ultrasound on January 7 is not just a normal ultrasound. It's actually a very detailed one, one where they can really get a good look and listen to the baby, to tell if anything is wrong.

Allen's family has a pretty extensive history of heart problems. Even Allen has had heart problems. He's had two heart surgeries, one of which was within the first year or so of us dating. But that surgery supposedly corrected everything and he's been fine since. But he has nephews and nieces with issues as well. One niece, who is maybe 8 or 9, isn't supposed to make it to her teens. She has really major heart problems. But she's proven the doctors wrong so far and I can only pray that continues to prove them wrong and gets to live a much longer life than doctors planned for her.

On one side, I'm glad we get to find all this out early so we can plan for it. But I am so scared for our baby. I don't want anything to be wrong with him/her. I want it to be healthy, so it can have a fun-filled life, a normal life. I know that's what every parent wants for their child.

I'm trying to not stress over it because there's nothing I can really do to change things. If there's something wrong, then we just have to deal with it. But I know the next few weeks will be stressful and I'll worry a little. I guess as the person carrying the baby, I feel somewhat responsible for what happens to it. If something is wrong, I know I'll blame myself. Every time I eat or drink something that isn't healthy, I feel bad and wonder what I'm doing to this little thing inside me, who today is the size of an avocado. It's a big responsibility to grow a baby inside you and it's a little scary to know that everything you eat and drink and breathe in, you're doing for your baby as well.

But in the end, I know it's God's will and if we are meant to have a healthy, normal baby with no health issues, then we will. If we aren't, then I guess we will deal with that when the time comes. I can't imagine I'll love him/her any more or less.

Christmastime

I've had trouble truly getting in the holiday spirit the last few years. I don't know why. Maybe it's because the world has lost its mind and focuses so much on the shopping, present aspect of Christmas that it's overwhelming.

But Christmas is here and I'm trying my best to make the most of it and remember why we celebrate. Money is tight this year so we aren't doing a lot of presents. That has helped us focus on other things. Maybe its a blessing to be poor! 

We finally got a tree up, although it's not the tree I had hoped for but with all the remodeling going on right now, we just don't have room for a big tree. So, instead, Allen pulled down one of those tiny trees I sit outside on my front porch. We decorated it and put our presents under it and for me, it's just as perfect as a big one. We even put up some of our other Christmas decorations too. Seeing my house look a little more festive makes me happy.

It's hard to think that this is our last Christmas with just the two of us although Allen says technically, this is the baby's first Christmas. I'm not buying it though! I can't dress the baby up in little corny Christmas outfits so I don't count it being in my belly as being here for Christmas.

But next year, we'll have a 6-month old baby and though he/she won't understand what is even going on, I know for us, Christmas will be different. All holidays will be different. I was at a Ruritan Christmas thing recently and a girl sang a song called "A Baby Changes Everything." The song was about the baby Jesus but I listened closely to the lyrics and it's right, a baby does change everything. I'm ready for a change and I think a baby will be a good change for our little family.

Til death do us part....

Last week, an old high school friend of mine lost his wife after an accident. This guy was a pretty good friend of mine in high school. He was super smart and had a wickedly sarcastic sense of humor. I thought of him as a friend. 

Of course, after high school, we lost touch, as most high school classmates do. But through Facebook, we connected again. Well, not really, we just became friends. There were never any long, drawn out messages or anything but it was nice to know he was there and I could sort of keep up with him, just as I can keep up with all my classmates. 

When he posted a few weeks ago that his wife had been in a 4-wheeler accident, I worried about her and hoped she was okay. And later, when he continued to update us via Facebook, and the news didn't sound good, I worried for him. 

I could tell he loved his wife, he loved her the way men should love their wives, the way all women want to be loved. When he posted that he didn't know how he'd live without her, just a day or two before her death, my heart broke for him. When he posted that she had passed, I cried a little for him. I felt his pain. 

I can't imagine losing Allen. Despite everything we've been through, I can't imagine having to wake up one day without him next to me. I think it would kill me. I know that one day, hopefully years from now, one of us will die. It's inevitable, it's life, but to lose someone you love so deeply at such a young age is just heartbreaking for me. 

I've experienced losing someone too soon. Jennifer died at 27 years old. I remember how painful and hard that was for me and her family. Even today, I still feel like there's a hole in my heart where Jennifer's friendship used to be. It hurts and I imagine it always will. 

No one knows why God takes people away from us too soon. We'll probably never know. No matter how many theories I put behind Jennifer's death or even behind life after her death, nothing eases the pain. I know God needed Jennifer more than we did but it still hurts and sometimes, I admit, I'm still mad at Him for taking her. 

I joke with Allen sometimes that I hope and pray that when it's our time to go from this world, that it is me that goes first because I don't want to have to deal with the pain of losing him. I know it will hurt more than any other pain I've ever felt. I've never loved a person so deeply and strongly and unconditionally and I hope I never have to go through what my old high school friend is going through. I pray for him to find peace and comfort. And I pray that he's a lot stronger than I would be. 

Almost 2011

So the end of 2010 is approaching and it's bittersweet to see it go. 2010 has been a very interesting year. I've had lots of different things happen, some good and some bad, and I think this year will be one for the books. In a way I hate to see it go. 

But then again, 2011 is another new year and it's a year where things will hopefully continue to get better. Allen is starting a new business, we're having a baby, and God willing, one of these days, I swear I'm going to write a book. ONE DAY. 

2011 is going to be good year. I keep telling myself that. I have to believe that our life will finally change and we'll finally get where we want to be. It'll also be the first year I don't have losing weight on my list of New Year's resolutions!! 

There are some scary things I will have to face in 2011. Being a mother is one of them. Being a mother means a lot of things. I have always tried to put my family first but with a baby, I will HAVE to put my family first. No more blowing off my family because of work. I know there are times Allen absolutely hates my job. I work nights, weekends, some holidays and sometimes things pop up when we had plans and I have to cancel. I have to miss things sometimes but for the most part, I've made it work so hopefully my family never felt completely neglected. My work life will have to change somewhat. It's going to be an interesting road. 

I guess the key will be to learn how to balance. And that will hopefully come with practice. So bring on 2011. I'm ready to say goodbye to 2010 and hello to a new journey. 

Home renovations and such

Allen and I bought our very first home in January or maybe February of 2006. We bought a "fixer upper" as they are called but in reality, this house was a disaster. But Allen saw a jewel and he convinced me to buy it, trying to help me imagine all the cool things he could do to make our new home "ours." 

Our home was built in the 1940's, at least that's what the deed says. But, there are many things about our home that has us convinced it's even older than that. It's a very well-built home, for the most part. I mean, it's a sturdy house, built with lots of solid, thick wood. 

So we bought the house with the knowledge that work would need to be done. We bought the house knowing it would take some time and effort to get it right. Slowly, as we begin to remodel, we discovered there was a lot more wrong with this house than met the eye. Eventually, we felt we had been royally screwed over by the owner of the house, who now lives just a few houses down. We didn't pay a lot for the house but considering all the issues we've found, we still paid too much. 

We knew the basic stuff was wrong; updated electrical and plumbing was needed, there were some issues with the floor, you know, that type of stuff. But we found a whole lot more. 

We need a new septic tank. We kept seeing puddles in our yard and though there was no record of where our septic tank was, we figured out that it was in a general area. We knew that some of the lines had been driven over and were probably crushed. We eventually found the location of the septic tank and we dug around it and discovered it needed to be looked at. In the end, we had to go to the county people to get our septic tank put on inspection. This, of course, required us to have it inspected first and they told us it was outdated and needed to be replaced within a year. Of course, when we got it cleaned, we discovered it was messed up anyway and wasn't working like it should. So, we called around and got some estimates to replace it. The estimates came in around $3,000. First big problem.

Next, our roof needs to be replaced and not just the shingles but the whole entire roof. We had our roof inspected when we bought the house, as we did the septic tank, and they passed! Someone is obviously not a good inspector. Our roof is in pretty bad shape and so to fix that, it will set us back a couple grand. Luckily, Allen can replace the roof so it won't be quite as expensive but we're still looking at at least $2,000. 

Inside the house didn't seem quite as bad, until we started really tearing stuff down. We found supporting walls that had been torn down, which if you know about building houses, that's apparently a no-no. So we have to go in and fix that. We've found termite damaged wood. Luckily it's old but we've had to replace those pieces of beams and such throughout the house. It's been one thing after another. Of course, in reality, all this stuff is probably typical of buying an older, fixer-upper home but man, it's been a nightmare for us. 

Allen's worked on the house since we bought it. Not one single room has gotten finished. It's frustrating because we should have been further along by now but at the same time, I know it's been a lot of work and he hasn't had a lot of help with it. But now, we have a baby coming in June and at least the inside of the house has to be pretty close to done before the baby gets here. So, now Allen is rushing and he's probably gotten a lot more done in the past 2 months than he has in 3 years but we are still finding stuff wrong, which makes the process even lengthier. 

We can't have a baby with our house the way it is. I think we both  know that. I feel pretty confident that Allen can get the inside of the house pretty close to done by June. But right now, we're living in a shell. Our kitchen is completely gutted and has been since before we found out we were having a baby. Now, our new living room and the baby's room is in the process of being gutted. Our current living room doesn't have a normal floor. It has wood but it's livable. The bathroom is, well I hate our bathroom and cannot even begin to tell you how happy I will be to see that remodeled. It's a lot of work and I hope and pray Allen can find people willing to help him out on occasion to get it done. 

Even if we knew all the stuff wrong with our house, I can't swear to you we still wouldn't have bought our house. We love where we live and we love the potential of what our house could be. But maybe, just maybe, we would have talked down the price a little more. 

Baby heart

Today, Allen and I got to hear perhaps the best sound in the entire world, that of our little baby's heart beating. I never imagined the impact it would have on me but wow, it's the most amazing feeling in the world. 

My doctor's appointment didn't start off good. I woke up feeling not so hot so I ended up not going into work in the morning. Allen fixed me something to eat and rubbed my neck to see if that would help my tension headache any. Then an hour before my appointment, I drank the wonderful orange glucose drink. I drank it slowly but surely. And within the first few sips, I threw it up. I got really worried but I ended up finishing the whole drink and I made it to the doctor's office and finished the test and I passed! No diabetes for me, not yet anyhow! That was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. While in the bathroom doing my usual urine test, I noticed I had a giant lump in my hair, where I didn't fix my ponytail right. So I tried to fix it and messed it up worse. So I ended up looking about as bad as I felt. 

Finally, we got to to the doctor's little room and Allen and I sat talking about giving birth and how I seriously hoped I didn't have a gazillion hour labor. Then the doctor arrived. He asked me how I was, I told me I had been really sick and he said that it should be going away soon. Then he told me to lay back and he put this thing on me and all of a sudden, I heard all these weird noises. The doctor said it was the heartbeat but then it disappeared. I didn't even hear it so I started freaking out, thinking it was over and I had missed the whole thing. Allen had heard it and that upset me even more. How can I be so stupid to miss it?!?! But the doctor said the baby had moved and so he started looking again and he found it and this time, I heard it just as plain as day. It was nice and loud and it was the most beautiful sound ever. It sounded like a healthy, grown up heart! 

That's about all that happened today but it was certainly a memorable appointment and it's one I know we'll never forget. 

Raising a family

There are many reasons Allen and I put off having kids. We kept saying we weren't ready but there were lots of reasons behind why we weren't ready. But also, I've always been terrified to bring a kid into this world. This world has turned into an ugly place and I'm a little ashamed to raise a child in it. 

It used to be you could trust people to do the right thing and be nice. But today, it's like you always have to watch your back and you just can't do the right thing anymore. There are so many bad people in this world. I go to schools often and though there are lots of great kids around, schools are a scary place these days. There are gangs, drugs, weapons, really bad language and the list goes on and on. These are things a kid shouldn't have to deal with so early in life. 

All every parent wants for their child is for it to live a happy, healthy life. I'm not any different. I want to be able to give my kid whatever he/she needs. I want to provide a good life for them and raise them into a polite, successful young person. 

But on the flip side, if my kid screws up, I want to be able to give them a butt whooping and not worry about going to jail! It's sad that parents are afraid of their kids. It probably has a lot to do with why kids today are so disrespectful and mean. I know Allen believes in spankings and though we have agreed not to spank our child with any object other than our hand, we have agreed that spankings are necessary in child raising. 

Allen and I were raised very differently so coming together with our very different backgrounds to raise a child will be interesting. There have been some very interesting "discussions" over things with our animals so I can only imagine it will be even more lively with real kids. But in the end, we want the same thing.We both know how the other was raised and we know what we want to do differently and what we want to do the same. 

But it's scary to think that we are somewhat responsible for how our child turns out. We are responsible for taking this tiny little life and raising him/her into a good person. It's a huge responsibility and perhaps the main reason why we delayed having kids for so long. 

On to new adventures...

I'm feeling a little better this week, both emotionally and physically. I woke up without my usual tension headache and nausea. God, I hope it's all gone for a while. I'm so tired of feeling sick. But I know in the end, it'll all be worth it. 

As for my emotional instability, that comes and goes. I'm still dealing with things but I'm putting my trust in God and letting him lead the way, or at least I'm trying to. It's been a roller coaster ride and it's one I hope I never have to take again. 

But anyway, moving on, in a few more days, I'll be in my second trimester!!! I'm very excited. I think Allen is too. Hopefully, we'll soon be finding out what we're having and then we can start decorating the baby room and shopping!!! 

Allen is trying to get something going for himself in 2011 and I'm crossing my fingers and praying hard it's successful. It's something he's always wanted and there is a need for it in Nashville so he's going to go for it. He's done a lot of research and we've both worked hard to find a way to make this a reality for him. So starting in January, Allen will begin offering a female self defense class. He's starting off with this and will be holding classes in an already existing business. They don't operate at night during the first part of the week so he'll do classes there once a week and save up. If things go well, he will move forward and rent his own facility and start a full scale martial arts dojo. We both feel doing it this way gives us plenty of time to figure out if this will be successful before jumping into something we aren't ready for, like signing a year or more lease on a building. 

We've done a lot of pre-work on this and really thought long and hard about it. We've both agreed to give it a chance. It's going to be hard but I feel confident Allen can make this work. Martial arts has changed Allen's life and I believe he wants to pass that on to other young people. Plus, he's really good with kids and I think he'll be a great instructor. Allen has a lot of great ideas and we've already got a plan of how to implement everything. So we are hoping it works out so we can get a building and get rolling. I'm so excited for Allen to finally be able to make his dream come true. I'll do everything in my power to make it happen for him. 

So we are crossing our fingers and praying continuously for the strength and guidance to do this right. 

If this works out, it will be perfect for both us and the baby. Allen can take care of the baby during the day because most of his classes and stuff won't happen until after 3 so he'll be just getting ready and doing paperwork and stuff during the day. He claims he wants to take the dogs too but we'll see! And I'll be nearby so I can stop in anytime to see the baby and Allen. And hopefully my schedule will work out so I can help Allen with the dojo but also be able to keep the baby while he's doing classes. 

We've had some pretty great support from friends here. It's heartwarming to know there are people here that believe in us. From the lady that's going to give us a chance and let us rent her building at night to the ones who have helped us find means to make this happen to just the ones who have provided moral support, we are so thankful and can't wait to make it happen! With the support of the community and our friends, I think this will work. 

It's a risk but we're going to spend the first few months of 2011 trying it out before the baby comes. If it doesn't work, we'll hang it up and move on. I believe in Allen and I believe he can make this happen. 

Looking for the road not taken....

Lately, I've felt really alone. I know that I'm not but sometimes, even when you are surrounded by people, you can still feel like there is no one around. 

There's been a lot going on lately and it's things I don't care to discuss on such a public space, partly because I'm ashamed and partly because I'm angry. But regardless, it's really getting to me and I just want it to go away. The problem is, I know that it never will. 

I wonder if my hormones are all messed up right now and this depression that I feel myself slipping into is just the pregnancy and that next week, I'll be fine. But, I know that in another week or two, all these feelings will come creeping back. 

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and just forget everything that's happened in the past, forget about all the people who have hurt me and betrayed me but it's not that simple is it? I know God is all about forgiveness and he wants us to forgive and I am trying but it's really hard. I hate when people say they are sorry and then they turn around and do the same thing again. How can you be sorry for something but keep on doing it, especially when you know it hurts someone you claim to care about. I take apologies and promises seriously and I have problems with people who make promises they never keep and apologize consistently for the same mistakes. I guess God experiences this everyday. 

So I'm trying to deal with things and I'm trying really hard not to let them affect me too much because I know stress is not good for the baby. But holding it all in and just ignoring it isn't really helping much. Instead, it's making the pain deeper and greater. But I know it'll never be resolved because some people aren't into talking about their mistakes. They just want to ignore them and hope they go away and are forgotten about, especially by the people they hurt. 

I'm trying really hard to forget about the past and focus on the future but sometimes it's hard to see what the future holds. Sometimes you have to do things and make choices that will be really hard and painful but that will be the best thing you can do for yourself in the long run. Sometimes you have to let go of the people that continuously hurt you. I think of the Robert Frost Poem, The Road Not Taken, and am wondering what road to take to continue into my future. I feel like I took the familiar road, the road everyone wanted me to take but now, it's time to look into taking the road that is less traveled, the road that may not be the popular route but the one that in the end, will be the best for me.

I wish God would come sit down with me and chat and help me figure things out. I've tried to go to a quiet place and find Him but I can't ever seem to hear anything. I just need some guidance and direction. I need a good shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me and tell me everything will be all right.