I don't do this for the awards but....

So, last year I won my very first NC Press Association Award. I won first place in news enterprise reporting for my work on an annexation case that was going on here. It's surprising because investigative, enterprise type stories aren't really my thing but nonetheless, I was pretty dag-on excited to have finally won and to have won first place was even more exciting. I've been a part of awards in the past. My whole paper has won awards and of course, I'm a part of that but each year, I crossed my fingers hoping I'd finally win something of my own.

To me, it's not about winning an award. It's more about growing. I've been a reporter since March 2003. So to go around 7 years without winning anything, not even third place, made me question whether I am really worth a crap when it comes what I do for a living. Am I getting any better as a writer, as a reporter, or am I staying the same and not growing at all? By not winning anything, it makes me feel like I am not doing good enough, like I am not growing. That makes me sad and it makes me question if I should be in this business.

Each year as it gets around the time of year for the announcements to be made of who won, I always get really nervous and antsy. I know I'll never get that magical letter that says, "you won!" But last year, I did, just before Christmas. I was so excited. This year, I got the magical, "I'm sorry you suck and did not win (again) letter." It hurts because I try hard to be a good, fair reporter. And I feel like when I don't win anything for the paper, I'm not only letting myself down, I am letting my paper down. If you walk into our office right now, you'll see dozens of awards from the NC Press Association. The awards go back 50 plus years. The Graphic has always won awards. I've been here for almost five years and I've won one thing for this paper? If I were the Graphic, I would have done booted me out the door.

But then I look at who is winning these things and I can't help but thing, there's some type of conspiracy going on. There are papers winning awards who quite frankly, aren't worth a crap. I know I'm a little biased and all, but seriously, it doesn't seem right. It just seems to be a bunch of bull and a waste of money to even go for these things.

I just want to grow. I want to know that in the 7 or 8 years I've been doing this, I'm getting better. I want to know I'm becoming a better writer and a better reporter. I like to think I'm a different type of reporter. I'm not a very mean, angry, aggressive reporter. I try to be nice first and usually people respect that and I get what I need or want. But I do my job and if that means I have to be a butt, then I'll be one. BUT I always try the nice route first. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong so that maybe I could change it and become better at what I do. I have given up a lot for this career. I work nights, weekends and some holidays and I work for far less money than I could be making elsewhere but I don't do this job for money. I do it because I love it. Being a reporter has forced me to become more social and has brought me out of my little shell. I guess I think an award will maybe prove that everything I've given up has been worth it.