Sleep

I have not been sleeping well lately. I feel like I go to bed at a decent time but I wake up everyday feeling so tired. I'm tossing and turning a lot, I suppose and I'm also dreaming a lot.

I'm starting to get really bad cramps in my legs and feet so I toss and turn trying to find a way to sleep that is comfortable and makes my legs feel better. Nothing seems to work. I guess this is one of those fun things about pregnancy. Maybe I need to eat some more bananas and drink some more milk!

As for the dreams, they range from good and bad and in between. I've dreamed about going into labor. The dreams have been both good and bad. I've had dreams that things went really bad for me and I've dreamed that things went really bad for Corbin. Those were bad dreams. I hope that's all they are.

So with those two things occupying my sleep, I'm not actually sleeping and I'm so tired!

There's just a lot on my mind, I suppose. I'm worried about what we are going to do with the baby once he's here. Can we afford daycare? Can we really afford for Allen to stay home? What if Allen's business doesn't work? Will we get the room done in time? Are we going to be able to get a bigger vehicle before the baby comes? My brain is a continuous cycle of questions! I annoy myself. No wonder I'm not sleeping!

A lot going on

Things are overwhelming right now in a good way. 

We are moving forward with the baby's room and are almost finished. Allen got the sheetrock up and hopefully by the weekend we'll be painting. Once painting is done, there will still be stuff to do so we are still probably a good 2 weeks away from being 100% done if not more. But I'm just glad it's moving along. We still have to get our living room finished as well and we'd like to get our bathroom remodeled and at least get back started on the kitchen before the baby comes. But financially, that may not be able to happen. I guess it just depends on how things go. Remodeling is a lot more expensive than I imagined! But I guess we will eventually get done. 

Allen's martial arts stuff is coming together too. We've had a time making this happen. It's hard to start a business with limited funds. We've delayed things a bit to make sure we're really ready and it's nerve wracking to me that we are starting this business SO close to the baby coming. But I just hope it works. We finally got an insurance quote that we feel good about, we've gotten good news from one of the places we want to rent. Plus, Allen should be starting in May offering classes for seniors at the Senior Center here! We've had some things to happen to really make us consider giving up but we kept on and I'm glad we did. And now, things are moving a long at a different pace, a good pace, but a different pace. I hope this works for Allen. I want him to be happy and successful. 

There's just so much going on right now. I can't keep up! Jennifer's yard sale fundraiser is coming up in just a week and I haven't done as much this year so I hope everything is going as it should! I feel confident it will go great. Jennifer's friends and family, and the community, have really stepped up to make all her fundraisers a success. I can only hope they continue to do so. I want this scholarship to happen and I truly hope it doesn't take us 5 years. 

And in baby news, we are now 30 weeks pregnant, which means 10 weeks to go. It's hard to believe it's been 30 weeks! I'm excited and nervous but I truly cannot wait to see little Corbin's face. I pray we have a good labor with no issues. I'm terrified of something going wrong but I'm hopeful things will go fine. I hope so anyway. 

7 years of something

So, Allen and I celebrated our 7-year anniversary this weekend. It felt a little like the seventh inning stretch in baseball, where you need to stand up and stretch and prepare for the rest of the game and maybe even sing a little song.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put into words the past 7 years. It's been good, it's been bad, it's been all in between. But would I do it all over again if I were given the chance. Yep! Every little thing we've been through has put us where we are today. And I'm happy with where we are today. I feel like we've been through just about everything a newly married couple can go through, and then some things a old married couple goes through, and still, I love Allen just as much now as I did when I married him. That's what makes the past 7 years so great. I truly believe we have this unconditional love that many couples aren't blessed with. No matter what has happened in our relationship, we have stood by each other and held on. For better or worse. We have truly been through both. I know having a baby will bring some new, different struggles but I know we can get through them.

We didn't do much to celebrate our anniversary but just spend time together but sometimes, that means the most. We rented some movies, went shopping for the baby, went to eat pizza and just hung out. It was a good day and great way to celebrate finding your best friend and soul mate.

We almost have a baby's room

We are SO close to getting the baby's room done. So, so, so, so close that I can't stand it! Allen has put all the sheetrock on the ceiling, with some help of course, and is now moving forward with the walls. They should be done in the next day or two and then, we will throw some mud on those bad boys, sand them down to beautiful smooth walls and THEN, we can paint! I am SO excited! I can't wait to paint the baby's room. It's going to be the most beautiful little blue and brown baby room ever. And I will be able to finally start buying furniture and putting up all his wonderful things.

But of course, the work isn't done. Allen still has a lot of our house left to finish, including the living room, our bedroom, the kitchen and our bathroom. Once all that is done, we will move on to what will be our bedroom but that can wait. The important stuff right now is the baby's room and the living room and the bathroom. I can deal a few more months with the kitchen being in disarray as long as he is purging a long. Sometimes buying an older house really blows. But once it's all said and done, I know we will sit back and be so proud that it's ours and it's finally done!

Who will watch my child?

The scariest part about this whole pregnancy thing is the uncertainty in our lives right now. I don't like spontaneity. I like to know what's happening and I like to be prepared. I don't live by the seat of my pants, as they say. Even in my job, which can be very random and spontaneous, it bothers me A LOT when people call me at the last minute to come cover something THAT day, as if they didn't know for weeks this thing was going to happen. I like to have a calendar, I like to plan and when my schedule gets tossed around, it drives me crazy!

I have less than 3 months before this baby comes and still, I have no idea what we are going to do with the baby. I get comfortable with the thought of Allen staying home and then he finds a job so then I start looking for other options and his job situation changes again. Right now, I have no clue what we are going to do! It will all depend on Allen's job situation and that seems to change on a weekly basis. So with less than 3 months to go, I have no idea where I'm going to put this baby and that bothers me a lot! I want to have a plan and I don't want to be freaking out in June trying to find someone to keep my baby.

Third trimester, here we come

So, I begin my third trimester this week. It's exciting and scary all at the same time.

Even though I'm 29 weeks, I still barely look pregnant. I just look like a fat person! But I can tell I am starting to explode so I imagine in another week or two, I'll look more pregnant instead of fat. I'm okay with the fact I haven't really looked pregnant. I lost weight at first and then I gained that weight back plus a few more pounds. The less weight I gain, the less I have to lose after the baby comes!

I'm over halfway through the childbirth classes and honestly, they've made me more scared than anything. I'm already scared of this whole thing and these classes have really freaked me out. Each night I leave almost in tears and feeling like there is no way I can do this birthing thing. But it's a little too late now so here we go. I'm hoping there's a light at the end of the tunnel and the end result of these classes will make me feel more comfortable. I don't think it's the class itself, it's just the reality that, yep, that IS, in fact, where the baby comes out and YES it does hurt like hell. But honestly, I have learned a lot and know more now than I did before the classes. So yay for that!

We had another shower this weekend. I got to see some out-of-state family and we celebrated not only little Corbin but also celebrated some birthdays. We ate and ate and ate. But I had fun and enjoyed getting to see everyone. I am so blessed to have such a close family. It's unfortunate that all families aren't like mine.

We had 5 little boys at my grandma's house at one time. FIVE! There was lots of action going on. Allen seemed to enjoy it and dive right into the fun and mischief. He really will be a good daddy and I think us having a little boy will be great for him. I imagine I'll be fussing at him just as much as I do Corbin!

We had a good baby shower. We got lots more stuff and even got enough money and gift cards to just about get the baby's room done! I am crossing my fingers and toes and everything else that Allen really gets motivated and can get moving on the baby's room. I can't wait for it to get done. And I can't wait for little Corbin to come, even though I am terrified of the process it will take to get him here!

Stay-at-home dad

So, I'm slowly trying to accept the cold, hard fact that I will not get to stay at home with the baby for long.

Since Allen is again unemployed, it's time to face reality. Allen will more than likely turn into a stay-at-home dad. I guess I'm okay with that but I'm also a little upset about it.

Allen has been unemployed through most of our marriage. I have worked throughout our entire marriage and have basically supported us financially. He's kept odd jobs and done things to help make ends meet but he hasn't been able to keep a steady job in seven years. And, now, since it seems like that is still the case, it's time to sit down and accept the reality that there is no way that I'll ever be able to be one of those stay-at-home parents because someone has to work and apparently, that is me.

I'm not even sure I'd like to be a stay-at-home mom. But I did want to be a stay-at-home writer and since we have a baby on the way, it just seems to fit that the two would go hand in hand. I've been holding out hope that one day, our situation would change and Allen would find a stable job and keep it and maybe I could switch to writing different things, things that would allow me to stay home and work from home. I've been pretty patient about the whole deal but now, it seems as if that will never happen. I'll have to stay in the newspaper business forever and though I like it, the pay sucks and it never gets better.

I guess I envisioned being able to stay home with the baby and take on a different role in life. Instead of being the breadwinner, I wanted to concentrate on my writing in a different way. I wanted to write books. I wanted to be with the baby as he grew. And I wanted to find volunteer organizations to engulf myself in. I thought I could stay home and do part-time work from home and be able to be a wife and a mother and for once, I could be a more attentive wife. I've spent the past seven years working by butt off and I haven't been able to be the wife I want to be because I've been too busy working.

I feel like I'm stuck. If I stay in this business, I feel I'll miss out on so much of my baby's life. Though I do have a fairly flexible schedule, there are some things you can't miss. You can't miss press day, which is Tuesday so no matter what is going on in the baby's life, if it is on a Tuesday, I'll miss it. And then there are the many late nights where I'll be home after the baby is in bed. It just hurts my heart to think  that I've spent the past 7 years being a career woman and not able to focus more on my role as a wife and now, when June comes, I won't be able to be a good mother either. I know some women do it all and do it well. I wish I could but this type of work I'm in is very demanding. It's your life. It's 24/7 and although I love it, I foresee that once this baby comes, I won't love it as much anymore because it will take away from my family.

We still have close to three months and a lot can happen but I don't foresee things changing enough for me to be able to play a more active role in my child's life. I feel as though I'll deliver this baby and have to rush back to work because we can't afford to not have a paycheck. I just wanted a few weeks at home to enjoy motherhood but it seems like my only role will be giving birth and then going right back to work to support the baby. I don't know why it upsets me so much because men do it all the time and I never thought of myself as a traditional woman. But maybe I'm more traditional than I thought.

Baby feelings

Having a little baby inside of you is such a indescribable feeling. It's one of those things you so badly want to put into words but just can't. I consider myself a writer yet I cannot even find the words to describe the feeling I get when I feel this little baby moving around inside of me.

Corbin has been moving around a lot more and I love being able to feel him. I love it when he moves, when he kicks, when he does anything. I know in time, as he grows and his kicks become harder, his movement may be more painful and annoying but for now, I am taking it all in. I can't imagine not liking him kicking me. It just gives me this feeling.

I've never been a baby person. I don't really like kids. Truly, the freak me out. I've always been terrified of having one of my own. But I have surprised myself in pregnancy. Despite the fact I've been sick and have felt like crap a lot, I wouldn't trade this for anything. I like being pregnant. It gives me a sense of purpose, of responsibility. I feel like I'm doing something awesome. And I truly am excited about seeing Corbin. I can't wait to meet him and see his cute little face. I imagine he will look just like Allen, though there is a chance he'll have my blonde hair and blue eyes. But other than that, he'll be a replica of his dad. And I'm okay with that.

Weekend fun

So, this weekend wasn't the greatest though if you count Thursday night as the start of the weekend, it at least started off good.

Thursday night was girl's night out. Mandisa and Anita Renfrow performed here and my three cousins, a friend of theirs and a friend of mine all went. It was a lot of fun and it was one of those events that really touched me. There was a part of it where Mandisa was talking about hard times and how God is there with you. She asked those in the audience that were going through trials to stand and as I do quite often at the end of church, when you can go to the altar and pray, I forced myself to keep my butt attached to the seat even though God was trying really hard to get me to stand up. I held back the tears (for the most part) and I pretended I had no troubles but inside, I was wishing that hundreds of people would pray for me. I wish I had stood because on Friday, I needed those prayers more than anything.

Thursday wasn't the best day. It just seems that Allen and I are falling deeper and deeper into a hole and no matter how hard we try or how hard we pray, we just keep falling. It finally got to me Thursday afternoon and I just had a meltdown. Thank God I had the girl's night out on Thursday because the company I was with always makes me feel better. So Thursday night, I came home feeling somewhat better but still worried. I worried so much that I started having pains in my stomach and I knew that if I kept stressing so hard, I could hurt the baby.

On Friday morning, I had planned to go to work a little later than normal because I had worked late a few nights during the week. Allen goes in at 7:30 and he typically calls or texts me to let me know he got to work okay. Well he texted me at 7:30 and said he was there. At 7:40, he calls to let me know he got let go from his job, a job he's only had for 3 weeks. I wasn't really that surprised because the job had not been going well but I really thought he could last a few more weeks, or even a few more months, but obviously that was not the case.

When I hung up, I felt several different emotions. I felt scared, sad, angry, upset and worried. I was worried about Allen because I know how hard he tried to make this work. I was worried because Allen  had prayed so hard to find something and this is what presented itself only to be taken away in just 3 weeks. I was scared because we can't keep living off of my paycheck. I was scared because in just 3 months, I'll be taking a maternity leave, some of which I probably won't get paid for and that means we'll  have no money coming in. I was sad and upset because no matter how hard we try, we can't see to win. There's always something fighting with us, trying to keep us from getting back on track. And, I was angry at God, angry at Allen and angry at myself, for lots of reasons. And during all these emotions, I had a meltdown and became terrified about bringing a baby into our screwed up lives. I didn't go to work that day because throughout everything, the pains in my stomach continued and I became terrified that I was going to hurt the baby. So I thought if I stayed in bed and had some alone time to think and deal with things, I'd do better than if I was around a bunch of people.

Saturday was March 12 and though I tried not think about the significance of the day, it still turned into a crappy day. I woke up feeling okay but then I felt sick the rest of the day and the rest of the weekend.

I made it to church on Sunday but had to leave before the sermon got started because I was so sick feeling. All I can say is, I truly dread menopause. On Sunday, I was having tremendous hot flashes. On top of that, I had a headache and felt like I was going to pass out and/or throw up all at the same time. Allen insisted on leaving with me so we went to my grandma's and he went to go get me some Tylenol. My cousin had some headache stuff and I thought it was Tylenol so I took one at church, thinking it would help. But when I read on the bottle that it had some aspirin in it, I started obsessing over that and that probably made me sicker. Aspirin can cause miscarriages and though I doubt one little pill will hurt the baby, with everything else going on, I started freaking out. I laid down until church let out and had a cold, wet rag on my head and eventually, I began to feel better though I felt crappy the rest of the day.

We had our first baby shower on Sunday as well. I felt bad when I got there but eventually, I began to feel better. We had a nice shower. Lots of people came and I have to say, this little baby is going to have lots of stuff. We are blessed, even though right now, it's hard to see it. I wish Jennifer were there though. It's been hard going through all this stuff and not having her to share it with. She would be so excited about Corbin and she would find all these weird things I'm going through, specifically the hot flashes, quite amusing. She'd probably help me find them amusing as well.

I wish I had made it through church on Sunday. I needed the sermon, whatever it was on and this time, I may have actually let myself be pushed up to the front to the alter for some prayer. I definitely need it some extra prayers right now.

Off the wagon

I've sort of fallen off the wagon, so to speak. I've started back drinking coffee.

Prior to pregnancy, I had a cup everyday, sometimes two. And on top of coffee, I'd regularly drink Mt. Dew or other sodas throughout the day. As soon I found out I was pregnant, I quit, cold turkey. It was hard but the motivation was there so I decided that even though no one told me I had to give up caffeine altogether, I felt that as the only way I could stop. I was right.

I went probably 4 months without drinking caffeine. I had a sip or two every now and then but for the most part, I stuck to water and juice. After 4 months, I slowly started allowing myself to have a cup of coffee in the morning every now and then. But then it turned into every day. Some of those cups were decaffeinated, mind you, but still, that has a little caffeine in it as well. Then, I gradually started allowing myself a soda here and there. Today, I have at least one cup of coffee or soda every day, if not two. I'm still not going over my limit, as far as the baby is concerned, but I hate that I let myself fall off the wagon so easily. It just proves that I can either have caffeine or I can't. There's no in between. But to think about living the rest of my life without another cup of coffee makes me want to rip my eyeballs out. I mean, I'm about to have a baby, for crying out loud. What else am I supposed to drink to keep me awake when he's screaming at all hours of the night?!?

So, as I type this, I'm sipping on a cup of Bojangles coffee. I meant to ask for decaf but I forgot. But this will be my one and only caffeinated drink for the day so I'm going to enjoy it.

I'd like to find a happy medium. I could live off of decaf coffee. I can't even tell the difference. But I just cannot drink caffeine free Mt. Dew. It's gross. But I have to keep up my fight with caffeine. I actually survived quite well without it for 4 months so I know I can do it again, only splurging occasionally. That's my goal.

I think about Corbin and I know that as he's growing up, I don't want him to have my same obsession with caffeine or Allen's obsession with chocolate. I'd rather him be obsessed over carrots and apples and bananas. I can't tell my kid not to have sodas and then drink one in front of him. That would be wrong. So I'm determined to make sure I get over this weirdo caffeine obsession before my baby is old enough to know what a soda is. I think I can do it but it'll just take some time. A happy medium would be for me not to have the shakes when I don't have caffeine for a day but to also be able to enjoy a cup of coffee every now and then without it becoming a ritualistic part of my life!

March 12

So, it's March and it's been so busy, I almost made it to March 12 without really thinking about the significance of the day. But then I remembered.

Four years ago, on March 12, I lost my best friend in the whole, wide world. It sure doesn't seem like yesterday.

I try to do things on March 12 to keep me occupied. I always take that day off work but this year it's on a Saturday and I don't have anything going on so I don't have to work anyway. I don't know what I'll end up doing. But I know I'll think of Jennifer.

It's so hard to believe it's been 4 years. I still remember that day like it happened only yesterday. I remember coming home from work late and I remember getting the phone call from a friend just as I was going to bed. Somewhere in there I kept saying no, no and I believe I may have called her a liar. I don't remember much else, except for Allen picking me up off the floor and holding me. I think I called my dad and asked him if it was true. Somewhere in there, I also called my boss. She had to have surgery the next day and it would be my first time putting out the paper by myself and as this all was happening, I wondered how I would manage to do that knowing my best friend was gone. I don't remember the drive to Bethel. And I don't remember the drive back to Nashville, although I know it was like 4 or 5 in the morning and I had to be back at work at 7. And I still went to work and somehow, that newspaper got out. I thank God for Allen because he was there with me and when I needed to step away from my desk and cry, he'd hold me and let me do it. Then, I'd go back to work. Allen's been there for me ever since. He's there when I would randomly cry over Jennifer, 4 years later. He was there when I decided I had to do this scholarship and he supported the idea and he's been at every fundraiser, helping.

And now, it's 4 years later and I still cry just to think about that day. I cry when I realize that Jennifer may have needed me and I wasn't there. I cry when I think about how much we will miss out on. And then I get angry because I realize there are some in Jennifer's life that moved on so fast that it made it that much harder for me to move on. Today, I feel a hatred I have never felt before. It's not healthy but to this day, I have not been able to make peace and move on. I never will. I was in a grocery store the other day with Allen and there was a guy working at the register we were at that reminded me of this person. He had the same goofy look, he was talking to people just like he would and I couldn't take it. That feeling bubbled up into my heart and I had to walk out of the store and let Allen finish paying and get our groceries. When Allen walked out, he asked what was wrong and I told him that the guy reminded me of this person and he agreed. I told him I couldn't take it, that this complete stranger had pissed me off so bad just by looking and acting like someone I hated. I will never comprehend how you can pledge your love to someone and be their spouse and on the day they die, the first thing that crosses your mind is how you will date again. I will never understand, nor accept, the fact that Jennifer's husband decided it was okay to not only start dating again before a tombstone was even on Jennifer's grave but that it was okay to shove this person in her family's and friend's lives before they even had time to grieve properly.

I know God wants me to let it go and I know Jennifer wants me to move on as well but I can't. I've accepted her death and I've found as much peace as I will find but I will never accept or approve of his actions. I hate him and I always will. His actions have made my grief that much harder to deal with and I would love to  just beat all of my anger and frustrations and grief out on his face.

On a lighter note, if you can go to a lighter note after that rant, I know that wherever Jennifer is today, she is happy and that gives me peace.  It doesn't make it easier but it does give me some peace. I know I'll never find another friend like her.

Childbirth

So, Allen and I went to our first childbirth class on Monday night. It was, well, interesting. I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew at some point during our classes, we'd have to witness the birth of a baby but I didn't know I'd get the pleasure during the very first class. Yuck.

The first thing we did was introduce ourselves to our classmates. Most everyone in the class is due in a month or two. I think I'm the only one due in June. Then, we talked about the stages of childbirth and how long it could last. That in itself is enough to make a woman want to cry (34 hours???) and I almost did but then the lady in the video said "vagina" and I found myself smiling, trying not to giggle out loud. How immature is that? I'm getting ready to pop a baby out and I can't even say the word "vagina" much less hear it without laughing. But anywho......

We then watched a video of a woman giving birth without medication. Um hello? Medication seems to be important during moments like this but I'm open to hear the benefits of all types of childbirth because I've never done this before and I want to do what's best for the baby, even if it means not being doped up but I'm pretty sure I won't be convinced that NO medication is a good thing.

I'll be honest. I'm terrified of childbirth, always have been. It could be a tiny reason why I kept putting this having a baby thing on the back burner. I keep having dreams that I die while giving birth. That's how scared I am. But I know that in today's world, women don't die as often given birth. BUT there are those few exceptions.

Anyway, I just find it hard to believe my body can birth a baby. It seems impossible. I know God made us women to give birth and my body will do the things it needs to do to make this baby come out but good grief, the pain it has to cause.

I've never stayed overnight in a hospital. I've never been admitted to a hospital. This will be my first time. I'm scared! I don't want strange people looking at my privates, even if there is a baby in there. In the video this woman's whole bottom half was exposed and not even covered up. I told Allen that I would require a blanket to cover up my essentials. He responded that when I was in labor, I probably wouldn't care who saw my privates. I think I will. I'm weird like that.

But anyway, I have a few more births to witness on these videos during our next 3 classes. One is a birth with drugs and the other is a c-section. Allen said he didn't want to witness a c-section and hoped that I wouldn't have one of those because he was certain he'd pass out. I'm certain I'll pass out regardless of how this baby enters the world.

Busy weekends

So, this weekend was super busy, not really for me but Allen. Nonetheless, where Allen goes, I tend to tag along (and vice versa) so in the end, I feel super busy as well.

My poor husband is working his little butt off. He's going into his third week of full-time work but when he's not at his full-time job, he's taking on side jobs and trying to start a business. Not to mention he's still managing to be a nice little husband to me (the poor, pitiful, ever growing wife). I worry he may drop dead from exhaustion. But I'm proud of him for trying to get things in our lives back on track so we can be more stable when the little boy decides to come into this world.

This weekend, we ventured to Pitt County (yes again, for the third time in a row). Allen actually worked a half a day on Saturday at his full-time job, then he came home, got ready, packed the car and we left. He went to his parent's house and worked on their kitchen countertops then we went to Farmville so he could work on some stuff for one of my aunts. I think he went to bed at like 1 a.m. on Saturday and had to get up at like 7:30 a.m. on Sunday and go to Lowes to pick something up so he could finish. THEN, we went to church, which is the church I grew up in, the church we were married in and last year, became the church Allen was baptized in. The preacher at this church has this way of delivering his message that actually makes me pay attention, which is something I have trouble with.  And he also reaches Allen as well so we love it when we can go to our church. This weekend he had a good message as well and I was glad we forced ourselves to go, even though I'm pretty sure we both could have crawled back in bed and slept until June 8. After church, we rushed around setting up for Allen's women's self-defense class. That started at 2.

Allen has been trying to do this class for several months. We had a not-so-good turnout but Allen made the best of it and went on with the class. I guess you find out who your real friends are when you are trying to do something to change your life and need people close to you to help you make it happen. I was disappointed that not many people were there for Allen, especially after all he does for others but at the same time, I was even more grateful for our family because they were all that showed up. Of course, there were some who wanted to be there but couldn't and we understand (the timing of it wasn't that great but what can you do?) but there were some who probably could have been there but just didn't come because they could care less. But anyway, I regress. This was important to Allen and I hated to see him disappointed but in the end, I was proud that he took the few that came and turned it into a great class, at least I thought it was a great class and I'm thankful to have family that came out and participated even though they may have had better things to do.

And the class was helpful. It gave Allen an idea of some things that went really well but more importantly, it showed him some things to revamp before he starts doing these classes for real. So now, we get to sit down and rework some things and start making this a reality. I feel better about things now too, being able to really see Allen in action. He's a good teacher and I was truly proud of how well he did things. If we can get the students to give us a try, I have no doubt Allen can make them want to stay and hopefully bring their kids too once he has the full scale thing going!

I have a feeling Allen woke up a little sore today, as did probably those that participated. It can be a physical class and Allen had the pleasure of getting violently tossed to the ground a couple of times, which I quite enjoyed watching. I was actually a little jealous I couldn't participate because I want to throw Allen on the ground too!!!

But anyway, we'll be trekking back to Pitt County over the next two weekends for baby showers so our adventures aren't quite over yet. Hopefully after all is said and done, we can take a break in April and get back to working on little Corbin's room. If not, I guess we'll have to find a laundry basket for him to sleep in!

14 weeks to go

Well, time is going by super fast. We only 14 more weeks before Corbin comes into this world! I'm not sure we're ready. I guess in October when we found out, we thought by June we'd have our life all straightened out. But turns out, that hasn't been the case at all. We are getting there though so I suppose I can be happy we are on the right track.

Our doctor's appointments will become more frequent now. We will start having to go every 2 weeks instead of every 4. I say we because I'm blessed with a husband who truly wants to be a part of this whole pregnancy process. He wants to be at everything. I know some men don't go to all of them. But it is, afterall, a baby we both made. I just have the pleasure of carrying it. But it feels good to know he wants to be there and he treasures all the little things just as much as I do. Now, however, with Allen working a full-time job, he may have to miss a few appointments and though I'll miss having him there, I understand. It's hard to get off work when you have a new job and as long as he is there when I deliver this wild little boy, I will survive the last doctor's appointments by myself.

Next week, we start our childbirth classes. Those should be fun and I must admit, I'm excited to learn how this whole thing works. I hope it eases my mind a bit because giving birth seems quite scary and I've had really bad dreams that I died giving birth. Hopefully it's just a dream and just my fears coming out full force. So maybe these classes will give me a sense of relief and convince me that my body was made to do this and though it will probably hurt worse than anything I've ever experienced, once it's over with, I'll be ok and ready to do it again!

Reporters

There are many days when I question my career choice. I wonder if I was meant to do this whole reporter job.

I enjoy the overall weekly newspaper business but being a reporter is really hard for me sometimes. I love doing most of the things I do. I can even tolerate board meetings but there are some stories I just dread sinking my teeth into. I just don't feel like my personality type is meant to do those types of stories

I'm not a naturally outgoing person. I am shy and I don't like crowds. I prefer to keep to myself. I don't like pissing people off and I want everyone to like me. So being a reporter obviously does not fit well with these character traits. But somehow, I've managed to get by. I've learned to approach people and ask them questions and I've learned to accept the fact that sometimes, I have to piss people off and not care. It's hard but I do it when I have to. I try to be a nice person most of the time and that has done well for me in this business but occasionally, I have to get ugly and mean and I don't like it.

Somehow, I've stayed in this business for almost 8 years, not only in this business but at a weekly newspaper. Most reporters move on to bigger and better things but I enjoy the smaller papers. I enjoy being able to do it all, the photography, the stories, the layout, etc. And I like the atmosphere a lot more too. But eventually you do burn out and this business becomes overwhelming. I fear I am almost at that point.

I haven't really moved up in this business and I guess there's really nowhere to move up in a weekly paper. I had pictured myself as an editor or something by now. But I'm still just a reporter, a reporter with some editorial responsibilities. And I'm afraid that's all I will be.

I've done this long enough to know what to do and how to do it but sometimes, I don't want to be the one to do it. I would rather tell someone else what to do and how to do it and me look it over and say, "good job" or "this isn't done yet so back to the drawing board!"

Now, I have a baby on the way and my life will no longer revolve around being a reporter as it does now. I wonder how that will affect my role as a reporter.

Sometimes, you do stories on things that really piss people off. Many times, I feel I have to watch my back. I've been threatened before, my boss has been threatened and the whole newspaper in general has been threatened and though we normally don't take the threats seriously,  in the back of my head, it scares me. Now, with a baby on the way, it scares me more.

But really, I don't know what else to do with my life. I'm a writer and that's really all I know. And since my career as a famous author hasn't taken off, I feel the only other way I can write is to stay in the newspaper business, which isn't a bad place to be, it's just stressful and very busy.

Mini what?

So, with a baby on the way,  you start to think about things. You have to think logically about how you're going to get this little baby and the one million things you have to take with you back and forth. And since I imagine we'll be traveling a lot to and from Bethel, we have really thought hard about it.

It's amazing how much a child needs. I don't remember needing all this mess when I was a kid.

Allen and I have two mustangs and a work van. One mustang is in a million pieces waiting for Allen to paint it. It's been waiting for over a year now so really that mustang don't count. I wish it ran because although it's a two-door, it is bigger than our other mustang, which I am driving now. It's a four-cylinder and it's little. There's no way a baby, two dogs, me and Allen can fit in it comfortably. When we go to Bethel now, we are jam packed full of stuff. And Allen's van, well, it only has two seats too and it's meant for work stuff, like taking the trash off, picking up wood, stuff like that. Though we could put a seat in it, I'm 100% against doing that. It's not meant to be a family van. It's meant to be a hauling stuff van. So Allen and I started looking at new cars. I want a crossover with a third row seat. We got our sites set on the new Kia Sorento, which are awesome and fairly affordable for brand new cars. But when you take into account a car payment of $300-$400, we began to think harder. Since we are trying to get out of debt and we currently have NO car payment, it seems stupid to go into debt more for a car. So we started to rethink things. Those thoughts began to turn toward minivans. YES minivans.

I am a sports car kind of girl. I don't drive minivans and I swore that no matter how many kids I had, I would never, ever feel the urge to buy a minivan. But urges are different than necessity so here I am, thinking about minivans. And boy, do I hate myself!

I don't know what it is about minivans that disturbs me. But something does. Allen has no problem with a minivan. He loves the thought of getting one. He even said he'd drive it and I could keep driving the mustang, which is fine if he's going to be the main one hauling Corbin around. So here we are, looking for a minivan and hoping we can save up enough money to buy one straight up and not have a car payment. Allen will probably have to sell his work van and inevitably, one of our mustangs will have to go. But I'm crossing my fingers that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to find myself a crossover vehicle with a third row seat that is used and affordable so I can slip into that instead of the mommymobile that my destiny seems to be leaning towards.