It only took 7 years....

Well the past week has been hard on me. I've really needed someone to talk to but oh well. I've learned to deal with not having anyone to talk to about things going on in my life. I talk to myself and God, so I guess that's good enough. 

Work has been hard on me the past week or two. There have been some disheartening stories for me to work on and it's taken its toll on me. But I get through it by knowing that reporting on it, maybe in some way, I'm doing some good. There have been lots of sickos doing crazy stuff but even more recently, I did a story on the local animal shelter euthanizing close to 3,000 dogs last year, only adopting out like 150. It disgusted me to think that that many dogs were killed. The folks at the Animal Shelter aren't doing enough to get these dogs adopted. But even if they did, I'm sure dogs would still be killed. That's why people need to spay and neuter their freaking dogs. 

Anyway, aside from that sad news, I get to go home each and every day to my wonderful two doggies, Abby and Sheba. I love those dogs more than anything. And I have a pretty great husband too. 

Speaking of my husband, he is FINALLY going to paint my car. I'm SOOOOOOO excited. My daddy gave me that car for Christmas 2001 or 2002, I can't remember which. But it was like my Christmas/graduation present. I graduated from ECU in December 2002 (so maybe it was 2002). I was so flippin' excited. I've always had mustangs. My very first car was a 1985 mustang. It was beautiful. Daddy got it painted up nice for me and it was in good shape. But for a new driver, it didn't work out too well. It kept flooding because of the year model and I didn't crank it right or something. Who knows. I can't think of what it calls but it irked me to death so finally daddy bought me a 1988 mustang. I've always talked about how I wanted a 5.0 mustang. My first two were 4 cylinders. Actually my dream car was a 1993 5.0 mustang with t-tops. 

When I saw the 1994 that Christmas morning, I was excited. I knew it wasn't the body style I had really, really wanted but I saw that 5.0 thing on the side and I was super thrilled. When I cranked her up and tapped the accelerator, I thought I had flown away. So much different than driving a four-cylinder. My car could haul booty. I've loved it ever since and my dad and I swore we'd fix it up nice. 

We're still working on that. Or I guess I am. 

My dad didn't get to help me fix it much. I don't know if it was because I was technically grown when he gave it to me or if it maybe had something to do with the fact Allen was in my life or what but we didn't do much to it. When it broke down he'd help me fix it and he helped me get a new transmission for it and some other things but as far as just looks, nothing much has been done and over time, my poor '94 mustang has turned ugly. 

The paint has faded bad and Allen and I kept saying we'd get it painted but could never afford it. And when we could something would go wrong with it and we'd have to spend our money fixing it instead. We've come close several times but the money situation has never happened. I always said I was gonna paint it orange. 

When I actually had the paint book in hand, I started to have second thoughts but I decided that it was now or never. So I choose orange. In two weeks my car will be orange!!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am. Allen is working hard to get the car ready to paint and I know he'll do a good job. 

In other news, Jennifer's letters are in and ready to go out. So I'm excited about that. We can finally get some money to get this scholarship rolling. Now, I need to stay motivated and start begging for money! 

Just another day in paradise

It's Friday and I'm excited because I don't have to work this weekend and I have some things I'd like to get accomplished. I hope that I can be motivated to get to these things I have on my "to do"  list. 

Jennifer's scholarship is slowly coming along still. The letter is done. Now, they are working on the flier and I am waiting to get some pics of Jennifer to go on it. I've got 2 so far. I'm hoping to go through my pics this weekend to see what I can find. And I need to plan a day and time to go to Bethel and see Jennifer's mom so I can get her pics too. Hopefully in the next week or two, I can get down there. 

Nothing really exciting going on. I've felt really alone the past few weeks. I miss having someone to talk to, just being able to pick up the phone when I've had a bad day and vent. I can call Allen anytime. He's my best friend but sometimes, you need a girlfriend to talk to, or someone other than your spouse. It's been a hard week for me. 

One of our cats got run over last weekend and though I haven't been as visibly upset as I had thought I'd be, I think I am upset but kinda keeping it bottled in. I've just been really down this week. I feel at peace with her dying though because she was happy the few weeks before her death but I also feel somewhat responsible, having made the decision to let her out of the house to roam. She, for the most part, stayed in the yard but apparently, she was sneaking off at night to wander. I found her early one morning in the road, dead. It was heart wrenching. Allen had a tough time too. He built her a little coffin and insisted we bury her with pictures of all our family. 

I also lost someone that I respected a lot as a child. Lucy Copeland. She was such a nice lady and she led me to Christ during Bible School one year. And even after that, she would always make a point to come talk to me before church and ask how I was doing and she'd always say she'd been praying for me. That meant a lot to me, knowing that someone thought enough of me to pray for me everyday. As we both got older, I didn't see her as much. Then I found out she was in the hospital. I was going to send a card but kept waiting to hear where she was going to be moved to. Then she died and I instantly regretted not sending the card right away. But she's in a better place. I know that for sure. 

Nothing else really going on. It's been a pretty low key event, except we did get satellite but that's another story for another day. 

When it rains, it just keeps raining

Well last week, I got some news that's had me a little worried. I had my annual check up last week and for the first time in my life, I was able to share with my doctor my family history on my mother's side. 

Each year, I dread this doctor's visit. I hate doctors. Any doctor; dentists, medical doctors, chiropractors. I just don't like doctors. I don't like being touched by strangers. I'm just not a touchy feely type. So I was already pretty anxious about my appointment last week. 

During the time my mother and I have gotten to know each other, I found out she had uterine cancer at 28 years old. As a result, she had a hysterectomy. When she told me, I admit, I was like, "wow, that's young." But I didn't think much else of it. Then I found out my grandmother, her mother, had it too. Okay, that's something I should probably share with my doctor. 

So as I prepared for my appointment, I had this new information in hand and I shared it with the nurse. When I told her, she paused for a second, and said, "oh, I need to make sure I tell the doctor about that." Uh, Okay. 

So I admit, I got a little worried. But cancer isn't exactly contagious. You get your hair color and your eyes from your parents, maybe an attitude or something and but cancer?? Nah. I knew that by them having cancer, it probably meant my chances to get it were increased. But still, I just had no idea. 

So after my "check up," the doctor brings in a brochure and gives it to me. It's on Lynch Syndrome, or Hereditary nonpolyposis colorectal cancer (HNPCC). He said because my mom and grandmother had uterine cancer at a very young age, it was possible that I had this Lynch syndrome, which basically is some sort of mutation. So my mom and grandmother carry this thing and may have passed it on to me. Of course, I wasn't being told I had cancer or would get it tomorrow, but he was telling me there was a good chance, or that my risk was very high to also get uterine cancer. 

The first thing that popped into my head was having children. I'm 28 right now. I still have not had kids. I still am not ready to have kids. What does this mean? So I asked. His response. "Well, if you know something is going to break, then you need to use it before it breaks." Yeah, thanks.

So, I need to have kids now, or at least soon, according to my doctor. I wish it were that easy. 

I wish I could have went home that night and started making some babies. But it doesn't work that way. Well, I guess it does work that way. But logically, and realistically, I have a lot to consider when it comes to this topic. So of course as I left the doctor's office, I began thinking that I would never have kids. 

My appointment was on Thursday and Allen worked late so we didn't get to talk about it much. I basically just called and told him and that was it. When he got home, I pretended to be already asleep because I didn't want to talk about it. Friday morning, I got up to get ready for work and he told me had been thinking about it and felt like we should just have a baby...right now. It was cute, in a way, I guess. But then I gave him a reality check and he gave up that idea. So I went on to work and barely made it through Friday. I had to go home early. 

It upset me a lot. The more I digested it, the more I cried. It wasn't so much the cancer part that upset me. Uterine cancer is one of the less scary cancers if caught early enough. What upset me is that my husband and my screw ups early in life may have cost us a future with children. I cried a lot the first two days. I stayed in bed the whole weekend. 

Finally, I decided that it was stupid for me to be all upset over this. Allen kept telling me that there was no reason for me to be so upset over something that hasn't happened yet and he was right. It hasn't happened yet. It may not even happen at all. SoI did what Jennifer always told me to do when I called her with a problem. I gave it to God. 

I wish I could say that was it. That I never thought about it again. I haven't really worried so much about it anymore but it is still on my mind. Allen and I decided we'd start trying to get healthier and I'd start taking prenatal vitamins soon and we'd see where we were in 6 months to a year. But I haven't changed anything. I have cut back just a little on my caffeine intake but that's about it. So really, the change has to be from me. I have to get my body ready for a baby if I really want to have one. It starts here. If I get healthier and get ready for a baby and I find out I can't have one or whatever, then that's God's plan for me. I have to accept it. I have to move on. It's time for me to live my life based on how God wants me to live it. If kids are not in my future, then maybe something better is. 

I hope God will give me the strength to get through this and will guide me in the direction he wants me to go. Because, alone, I'm lost. 

To infinity and beyond...

I suck at coming up with titles for anything, whether's the title of an article I wrote for the paper or the title for my stupid blog posts. So I just put the first thing that pops in my head, at least for the blog. For the paper, I go get help from my boss! 

I just realized that my birthday is one month and one day away, which means in one month and one day, I will be one year away from turning the big 3-0. In thinking of that, I feel like I have wasted the last 10 years of my life. I wish I had done more, made more friends, went more places. I wish I hadn't worried so much about things that are out of my control. But unfortunately, you can't turn 30 and then decide you didn't your live the way you wanted and back it up 10 years and do it again. But wouldn't that be awesome?!?

In retrospect, I thought I'd have kids by now, live in that perfect house with the white picket fence and just be the measure of success. I have and am none of those things. So what do I have? 

Well I do have a husband but no kids although we have two dogs that we love just as much as we could any child. We certainly don't have a perfect house but we do have a house that we can call our own. It's not a mansion and it still needs a lot of work but it's ours and we love it. As for the measure of success, well I guess that depends on who ask the definition of that. I love my job. It's a great job for me and it's made me such a better person. But I am not rich with this job and I probably never will be. I wish it was a little more stable financially but it's a good job. So though I don't have all the stuff I thought I'd have by now, I consider myself lucky. Sometimes I have to sit down and write things like this out just to realize how lucky I am. 

I have a great husband, someone that would give me the world if he could. He's not perfect by any means but he's probably the best person in the world for me. He puts up with me and that is no easy feat. 

So even though my life isn't exactly what I imagined it to be at this age, it certainly could be worse and I do feel fortunate. I just wish I had done more with my life and I guess, I still can. There's nothing that says  life ends at 30, is there??

Love and July

It's hard to believe half of 2009 has already come and gone. It seems the older I get, the faster time flies. 

The past two weeks have been uneventful for me, for the most part. I haven't really accomplished anything for Jennifer's scholarship. I'm still waiting on the official letter. I did get the revised letter back but now they are working on making all the flyers and I guess revising the letter even further. So I really can't do anything else until that is done. I've been trying to get motivated to start collecting names and addresses of those I want to send the letters to but I think with the way technology is now, it may be simpler to either personally hand out the letters and talk with each person or to email the letter or put it on social networking sites. I think that may work better. But I'll try everything. 

I have read two of my Nicholas Sparks' books again over the past two weeks. First I read "Dear John." I just finished up "The Choice." I love Nicholas Sparks' books. I know they are all mushy and romantic but I enjoy the fact that they aren't the perfect love story yet the stories are so amazing. I read his books so fast that half the time, I can't remember every detail I read. That's why I like to read them over and over again. I've been told since elementary school that I read too fast and that as a result I can't remember what I read. So when I got those tests where you read something and then answer questions on it, I never did well. I can't help it. Sometimes, I just get so excited when I read, I try to hurry up and get to what happens. Then other times, I just want to hurry up and finish because it's boring. 

But reading "The Choice" made me think of Jennifer last night. I don't know why. I guess the weirdest things can make me think of her. The book was about a couple who fall in love (of course, that's what all Nicholas Sparks' books are about) but even more important it was about how far a man would go in the name of love. The man and his wife were in a car accident and she ended up in a coma for like 12 weeks or more. Each and every day, the man came to see her. He would talk to her, help move her muscles around and never gave up hope that one day she would wake up. And of course, one day she did wake up. It was a great story. I'm not sure why it even made me think about Jennifer. But it did. And I've tried to explain why I thought of her, but I can't explain it. When I sit down to put it on paper, it eludes me. All I can say is, I wish Jennifer had someone that loved her as deeply as Travis loved Gabby. That's all I can say because I've promised myself I would let it go. So that's all I have to say.