Almost March....

It's hard to believe February is just about over but honestly, I'm thrilled. It's been touch and go for Allen and for the past few months and March was *hopefully* the month we'd get back on track with everything. Thanks to our tax refunds I'm hoping that remains true. 

But even as February ends, it means March begins which for the past two years has not been the greatest month for me. Jennifer died on March 12, 2007. It's a day that I relive not only on the anniversary but several times a year. I suppose the pending day is why I've been so down lately. 

In January of 2007, Allen and I bought our first home. It was the most exciting, and stressful, time for us and I am so thankful Jennifer was there to share it with us. I wish I had known two months later, I'd lose her. I would have enjoyed those two months a whole lot more. 

We had very little offers of help with the whole moving process. Allen and I initially decided to take the task on alone, with some help from our parents. But Jennifer and Jeff quickly volunteered to help. They were really the only ones. Jennifer was crazy into Al, her horse at the time, so we kinda planned our moving schedule around her horse time. She had gotten into this training thing with him and was so excited about it. But after she got done, she came on over and helped us pack and load boxes. She never complained about how tired she was.

On one of our trips to our new home, which was about an hour from our old home, Jennifer and I rode together in Jeff's Explorer while Allen and Jeff rode in Jennifer's SUV. On the way over, she was so enthralled with the scenery that she almost killed us. She kept running off the road trying to stare. We moved out into a very rural area so it's really beautiful. The one part where I feared for my life was when there were several pastures of horses right after another. I could tell Jennifer noticed it so I told her to pull over right as we got to that. I'll drive, I told her, so you can stare at everything. It was funny and we laughed the whole way there. I was so excited to have a new home but Jennifer was just as excited. That's how she was. 

Our house has gas heat and it was pretty cold in our new home and we hadn't gotten the gas hooked up yet so our house was freezing cold. On another trip, Jennifer insisted on going to Lowe's so she could buy us a little piece to fit under our door, which would keep the air out. They happened to have heaters on sale as well so we looked at those and I ended up getting one. Jennifer tried to pay for everything, saying it was our house warming present but I kept insisting that she didn't. In the end, we agreed to split the cost of the heater. 

And on another trip, we took a break and walked around outside so that we could take in the scenery. Our home is surrounded by pasture. It's very peaceful. In one of the pastures is a cow fence that wasn't being used. Jennifer kept looking at it swearing it would be the perfect fence for her horse. She kept telling me to go steal it for her. Then she worked on Allen. In the end, we didn't steal it for her although I doubt she really wanted us to. Or maybe she did. That's how Jennifer was. After she died, I told myself that I should have stolen that fence for her. And now, every time I walk in my yard, I see the fence in the same place it was two years ago and I think of Jennifer. 

There's tons of things I'll regret with Jennifer. I regret the fact that I wasn't as good a friend to her as she was to me. I regret I didn't go to her house that day she had that woman come over to give her ideas for how she could spruce up her home. I regret the fact that for the few months before she died, I was so into everything going on in my life that I didn't take the time to really find out what was going on in hers. And I'll always regret the fact that I didn't get to see her enough before she died, during the time after she broke her leg until the night she died. I worked so much that I couldn't fit time in to see my best friend when she needed me most. I called her often but I couldn't fit her into my schedule. I'm a crappy friend and I will go to my grave regretting not being there for her when I should have been. 

I always take March 12 off from work. I never really have any plans, I just take it off. Last year, I spent half the day in bed and then I went to her grave with another friend. We got Krispy Kreme Donuts, which Jennifer loved and just went there a few minutes to eat our donuts and remember. This year, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'd like to think I'll do something productive with my time but in the end, I know that isn't true. 

Life without Jen

Even though it's been nearly 2 years since she died, there are still days where I feel it was only yesterday. I'm still grieving. I'm still in denial. 

Most days, I'm better. I wake up and go to work and function like a normal person. But then there are the days when reality hits and I realize my best friend in the whole world, the one person I could count on, is no longer here. It's one of those hit-in-the-stomach feelings. 

I swore I 'd be a better person when she died. I swore I'd do all sorts of things. Most of the things I haven't done. Maybe I've become somewhat of a better person but there are still all these things I haven't done. But perhaps the hardest of everything that I've had to deal with is the fact that Jennifer was truly my only friend. She was the only one that would call me just to say hey, the only one that was there for me I needed someone, the only one I could trust with my deepest, darkest secrets. Betrayal is something I've been through with many friends and it's something that's caused me to push people away. I'm not proud of it but my theory was, the less people in my life, the less my chances are of getting hurt. Now, that theory has come back to bite me because I have no one. That's what makes this all so hard. 

If I didn't have a job that kept me so busy, I imagine I'd be pretty screwed up right now. I'd have nothing to keep me busy, nothing to allow me to remind me of my lack of social networking skills. I know lots of people through my job but at the end of the day, we all go home and think nothing of the other. But my job keeps me busy, attending all sorts of events I would otherwise not be interested in. And that helps. But still, at the end of the day, I feel alone. 

I never realized how much Jennifer meant to me until she was gone. As cliche as it may be, it's the truth. I miss her now just as much as I missed her last year and I wonder if that void will ever be filled.

How do you speak to someone about God when you have questions and doubts of your own? 

It's a question I've been asking myself over and over again for the past several months. Still, I have no answer. 

I believe in God. I believe there is this larger power that is in control of our lives. And I also believe there's a darker power that fights with that larger power. A good and an evil if you will. But when your life is full of one bad thing after another, it's hard to have faith in that larger power. Sometimes, I feel like God doesn't care about me or my family. And though I still believe, I don't feel like I am one that can try to talk to my husband about God. 

He's struggled with his faith for years. But lately, I can tell he believes there isn't a God. And if there he one, Allen isn't into Him. It hurts me to see him like that because the little bit of faith is all that's keeping me here. I worry what his lack of faith is doing to his soul. 

He has become the most hateful person I know. Everything bad that's happened in our lives has taken its toll on him and the once sweet, honest man I married is now different. 

I still love him and I always will. I know the real Allen. And he's not different towards me really. He still treats me very well and I know he loves me but I can't stand his attitude toward life anymore. And it hurts not knowing where to turn. I keep trying to push him in the direction of God. I've tried to find someone for him to talk to about things but I don't know if he will. But I don't think our lives will get better until he, until we both, find our faith again.

Been a while...

Okay so my goal was to try to write more this year. And although professionally I have written a whole lot more, I have not had the time or desire to really keep this blog going. But I am trying. 

Last time I wrote I was wondering if it was going to snow. Well it did and I got to stay home and do my work and watch the inauguration. It was nice. I also got to play in the snow with my husband and dogs which was cool too. Of course the snow quickly melted and it was back to life...

Which leads me to the latest. The really isn't anything. I've been working quite a bit and would love a trip to somewhere quiet and nice where I could rest and drink a few beverages. 

However, last week, UNC beat Duke so that was the highlight of not only my week but my month. That's really all that's happened in the past few weeks. Valentines Day came and went but there's really nothing to share there. My husband worked all day long and by the time he got home, we were too tired to do anything. But who cares. Valentines Day is all nice and stuff but my husband is good to me all year long so I prefer to keep it that way. 

I'll try to continue this blog with more thoughtful postings. For now, that's all I have.