Life without Jen

Even though it's been nearly 2 years since she died, there are still days where I feel it was only yesterday. I'm still grieving. I'm still in denial. 

Most days, I'm better. I wake up and go to work and function like a normal person. But then there are the days when reality hits and I realize my best friend in the whole world, the one person I could count on, is no longer here. It's one of those hit-in-the-stomach feelings. 

I swore I 'd be a better person when she died. I swore I'd do all sorts of things. Most of the things I haven't done. Maybe I've become somewhat of a better person but there are still all these things I haven't done. But perhaps the hardest of everything that I've had to deal with is the fact that Jennifer was truly my only friend. She was the only one that would call me just to say hey, the only one that was there for me I needed someone, the only one I could trust with my deepest, darkest secrets. Betrayal is something I've been through with many friends and it's something that's caused me to push people away. I'm not proud of it but my theory was, the less people in my life, the less my chances are of getting hurt. Now, that theory has come back to bite me because I have no one. That's what makes this all so hard. 

If I didn't have a job that kept me so busy, I imagine I'd be pretty screwed up right now. I'd have nothing to keep me busy, nothing to allow me to remind me of my lack of social networking skills. I know lots of people through my job but at the end of the day, we all go home and think nothing of the other. But my job keeps me busy, attending all sorts of events I would otherwise not be interested in. And that helps. But still, at the end of the day, I feel alone. 

I never realized how much Jennifer meant to me until she was gone. As cliche as it may be, it's the truth. I miss her now just as much as I missed her last year and I wonder if that void will ever be filled.