It's hard to believe February is just about over but honestly, I'm thrilled. It's been touch and go for Allen and for the past few months and March was *hopefully* the month we'd get back on track with everything. Thanks to our tax refunds I'm hoping that remains true.
But even as February ends, it means March begins which for the past two years has not been the greatest month for me. Jennifer died on March 12, 2007. It's a day that I relive not only on the anniversary but several times a year. I suppose the pending day is why I've been so down lately.
In January of 2007, Allen and I bought our first home. It was the most exciting, and stressful, time for us and I am so thankful Jennifer was there to share it with us. I wish I had known two months later, I'd lose her. I would have enjoyed those two months a whole lot more.
We had very little offers of help with the whole moving process. Allen and I initially decided to take the task on alone, with some help from our parents. But Jennifer and Jeff quickly volunteered to help. They were really the only ones. Jennifer was crazy into Al, her horse at the time, so we kinda planned our moving schedule around her horse time. She had gotten into this training thing with him and was so excited about it. But after she got done, she came on over and helped us pack and load boxes. She never complained about how tired she was.
On one of our trips to our new home, which was about an hour from our old home, Jennifer and I rode together in Jeff's Explorer while Allen and Jeff rode in Jennifer's SUV. On the way over, she was so enthralled with the scenery that she almost killed us. She kept running off the road trying to stare. We moved out into a very rural area so it's really beautiful. The one part where I feared for my life was when there were several pastures of horses right after another. I could tell Jennifer noticed it so I told her to pull over right as we got to that. I'll drive, I told her, so you can stare at everything. It was funny and we laughed the whole way there. I was so excited to have a new home but Jennifer was just as excited. That's how she was.
Our house has gas heat and it was pretty cold in our new home and we hadn't gotten the gas hooked up yet so our house was freezing cold. On another trip, Jennifer insisted on going to Lowe's so she could buy us a little piece to fit under our door, which would keep the air out. They happened to have heaters on sale as well so we looked at those and I ended up getting one. Jennifer tried to pay for everything, saying it was our house warming present but I kept insisting that she didn't. In the end, we agreed to split the cost of the heater.
And on another trip, we took a break and walked around outside so that we could take in the scenery. Our home is surrounded by pasture. It's very peaceful. In one of the pastures is a cow fence that wasn't being used. Jennifer kept looking at it swearing it would be the perfect fence for her horse. She kept telling me to go steal it for her. Then she worked on Allen. In the end, we didn't steal it for her although I doubt she really wanted us to. Or maybe she did. That's how Jennifer was. After she died, I told myself that I should have stolen that fence for her. And now, every time I walk in my yard, I see the fence in the same place it was two years ago and I think of Jennifer.
There's tons of things I'll regret with Jennifer. I regret the fact that I wasn't as good a friend to her as she was to me. I regret I didn't go to her house that day she had that woman come over to give her ideas for how she could spruce up her home. I regret the fact that for the few months before she died, I was so into everything going on in my life that I didn't take the time to really find out what was going on in hers. And I'll always regret the fact that I didn't get to see her enough before she died, during the time after she broke her leg until the night she died. I worked so much that I couldn't fit time in to see my best friend when she needed me most. I called her often but I couldn't fit her into my schedule. I'm a crappy friend and I will go to my grave regretting not being there for her when I should have been.
I always take March 12 off from work. I never really have any plans, I just take it off. Last year, I spent half the day in bed and then I went to her grave with another friend. We got Krispy Kreme Donuts, which Jennifer loved and just went there a few minutes to eat our donuts and remember. This year, I'm not sure what I'll do. I'd like to think I'll do something productive with my time but in the end, I know that isn't true.
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