BPW

This weekend was a busy one. The NC BPW conference was held in Raleigh this year so I attended that on Friday and Saturday. I had a really good time and the trip was something I really needed. 

BPW, which is Business and Professional Women, is by far the club I enjoy being a part of the most. Everyone in the club is so supportive and nice and I enjoy being a part of the organization. It's the one place I feel I can be myself. The conference, which was attended by BPW clubs from all over NC was fun as well. Most of the women go and it's great to be able to go somewhere where there are lots of women and everyone get along and have fun. There are exceptions though and there were a few catty women at this year's event. But it was easy to ignore them with everyone else there. 

Last year, I was nominated to represent the Nashville Club as the Young Careerist. It was a scary thing but I was honored they chose me to represent them. I had to do a speech and interview and in the end, I didn't win. But I didn't mind. The girl who won truly was the best woman out of us all. I saw her again this year and I was reminded of why she was the winner last year. She's such a great, inspiring woman!  But this year's winner was our very own member. That was exciting! And she certainly was deserving of the win as well. I'm so excited! It was the perfect ending to the weekend. 

But more importantly than the conference was the fact that I feel like I made new friends and that's hard for me to do so I feel extremely blessed. It's really hard to have friends in the newspaper business but I've tried to put that aside. I have a job to do and sometimes my job may mean pissing someone off. I try to make friends that understand that. It doesn't mean they'll always agree but I know they respect that. I have a hard time making friends anyway. I just am not a very outgoing, social person. So this weekend was a stepping stone for me, just as last year's was. I think joining BPW was perhaps the best thing I've ever done for myself. It's made me a better person. 

Anyway, I finally got the scholarship letter from the woman. I think it looks good so hopefully this week, I can start getting things ready to roll and get some of these letters ready to be sent out. I'm hoping I can make some progress this summer on Jennifer's scholarship. I would like to have a good chunk of the money raised over the summer. 

I have a busy week ahead of me but I feel good about it. And I'm so excited to have Jennifer's scholarship going so well. I hope the money part goes well too! 

The hair is gone

Well I finally did something I said I was going to do. It seems that's a rare thing. But I did it. I cut all my hair off. So Happy Birthday Jennifer!!

I still have the ponytail but hopefully I'll put it in the mail to Locks of Love next week. It'll take me a while to get used to my new, much shorter hair but there's no doubt it'll be cooler. But no more ponytails for a while, which kinda sucks. 

I've had a headache for like a week now and it won't go away. I think it may be in my neck. I probably should go to the chiropractor but it's like a $50 copay, which I think is ridiculous having insurance. So I probably won't go. I could buy 2 or 3 pairs of shoes for that!!! Allen massaged my neck yesterday and tried to stretch it and do some things to it and it does feel better but my head is still hurting and it's making me feel like crap all the way around. 

I'm supposed to be getting all the scholarship forms sometime soon. The lady said it would be this week but I haven't seen them yet. Hopefully, we'll get them soon so I can start sending them out and getting some money. I was reading some of the stuff and although we have to raise $50,000 for an endowment, if more is raised, it'll mean the kids getting the scholarship will get even more money to help with school. That made me set my goals a little higher. Wouldn't it be awesome to have a full scholarship in Jennifer's honor? I think so. But we're in the early stages so we'll see what happens. 

Happy Birthday Jen

It's Wednesday night, June 17, and I'm home alone. Allen is off in Wilmington, well Myrtle Beach, for some quality time with his dad. It's much needed time but I admit, I miss him and of course, am a little jealous of his beach trip. I need a beach trip soooo bad!!! We have one planned for August but that seems so long away. I don't know if I can make it that long.



Tomorrow, June 18, would have been Jennifer's 29th birthday. I can only imagine the fun we would have had if she were alive today. Jennifer loved parties. I debated for weeks what I was going to do on her birthday. I couldn't decide whether to take off work and do something to celebrate her birthday or just go to work and pretend it's just another day. I still haven't really decided but I didn't take off work so I suppose I have to go in tomorrow although I may get off early.



I've been growing my hair out for over a year now to donate to Locks of Love. Just before Jennifer did, she donated her hair, so I started to grow mine out as well. I wanted to give my hair too. You have to get your cut. You may as well let it grow a few extra inches and give it to someone who needs it. Initially, I was gonna get it cut on the anniversary of her death, which was in March but my hair wasn't quite long enough. However, now, I think it is so I'll be donating 10-11 inches at some point. I'm hoping I can get motivated to do it tomorrow so that way it can be something to remember Jennifer's birthday.



I've felt a little down tonight for some reason. I don't know if it's just because I'm all alone and my tv is not working or if it's because Allen is gone and I miss him or if maybe it's because tomorrow is Jennifer's birthday. Though I am doing a lot better, I still miss her everyday. And at times when I'm home alone and have no one to call and talk to, I realize that I truly am alone. Jennifer really was the one person I could ALWAYS count on. Even if I called her bored and we didn't go anywhere, we'd sit and talk about where we COULD go for like 2 hours. Then by the time we decided, it was too late to actually go anywhere.



One night, Allen and her husband, Jeff, went out to dinner. I guess they needed some guy time. So right after they left Jennifer calld me, or maybe I called her, I can't remember. But we talked for like 30 minutes and then began to discuss whether we should do something too. So for another 30 minutes we talked about that. Then we hung up to call the boys to see where they were. They said they were just going to eat and they were eating just a few minutes from home, so we figured they'd be back soon and we didn't want to go out as they were coming home. They didn't answer their phone so we called each other again and talked for another hour or two about what we could do. Then of course, the boys came home. Duh. That's how we were.



The first year that I began working at the newspaper here, I still lived in Bethel and had to drive an hour or so back and forth every day. On the nights I worked late, it really wore me out and to help me stay awake on the way home, I usually called Allen or Jennifer. Just a few months after I started, I was on the way to work one Tuesday morning and it was pouring down rain. I got in an accident on Highway 64 and scared the crap out of myself. From then on, I was terrified of driving in the rain. So when it rained and I had to drive home, I'd drive like 35 miles per hour on Highway 64, crying the whole way. One night, it was late and I was driving home. I called Jennifer that night and we were talking when it started to rain. So I slowed down and started freaking out. I pulled over in Tarboro at Bojangles and was irritated at myself for being such a baby. Jennifer kept saying she'd come pick me up if I wanted. I eventually made it home myself but it meant a lot to me that she asked. It's those little stupid things that I really miss about Jennifer. She was a good friend and I don't have any other close friends like that

Anyway, I know if she were here, we'd probably be on the phone right now since Allen isn't here. And this weekend, we probably would have celebrated her birthday with a big shin dig at her house. She'd make that awesome rum punch that she always made, we'd put some Kenny Chesney on and watch the dumbest movies you can find. Then we'd have to sit for two hours while her and Allen laughed like idiots while the rest of us just sat there staring at them. They thought the dumbest things were funny.

I miss that girl so much. And if she were here, I'd tell her how much her friendship meant to me. And I'd throw in a Happy Birthday as well.

Letter finally done

This weekend really sucked. That DTV transition thing happened on Friday and although we bought the converter box, we didn't get a new antennae so our television didn't work. And Allen worked all weekend so he didn't have time to get one and hook it up. So I was without a television for a whole weekend!!! He's going out of town this week so I'm hoping he can at least fix the tv before he goes. If not, I'll really go crazy. 

But I was able to do some things instead. I finally made myself finish the scholarship letter. I changed a few more things and shipped it off to be proofed. I still wasn't 100% happy with it but I just needed to get it done. Hopefully by the end of this week, all the scholarship forms and stuff will be done and I can start sending them out. I don't work this weekend and since Allen works all weekend again, I'm hoping I can start getting some of the letters addressed and ready to be shipped out. 

I should have done more this weekend but I just felt lazy. It was so hot outside I couldn't do much out there and I wasn't in the mood to do any writing really. I looked at my story again and tweaked some things but other than that, I just loafed around the house. Hopefully, this weekend, I'll be more motivated to get some things done. 

This weekend is also Father's Day so I'll be heading to my hometown to see my dad. I spent years upon years trying to find something we could do for Father's Day that was different than a movie and about 2  years ago, I found something. So for the past two years I've taken my dad to a Mudcats game. I thought it was a neat idea and had thought it had become a tradition of sorts. So this year, I had that all planned out again. Well it kinda got ruined so now I'm back to the drawing board. So far, it looks like we'll do a movie again. I guess it's better than nothing but I had already bought this big packet of tickets for the game. Now I have to use them myself and there's like 12 tickets in there. I'll figure something out though.

Still trudging along...

Weekends are just flying by. It's amazing how fast time flies by when you get older. When you are young, you feel like time is moving so slow but when you get older, it goes fast. 

Even though the weekend flew by, it was a good one. I got a chance to see my grandma and was able to visit Jennifer's mom on Friday. We had a good visit and I got to talk about some things I'd been holding in for a while. It felt good to be able to talk about it. 

She's very excited about the scholarship and helped me finalize some of the details. So now, I just need to finish this letter and get the lady at ECU to get all the other forms complete so I can start sending out the contribution forms. I'd like to have the first $5,000 raised by the end of the summer. I don't know if that's a reachable goal or not but it's one I'm aiming for. Ideally, I'd like for this scholarship to be started next semester. I know that probably won't happen. There's a lot of logistics involved once the money is raised so it may not start until next year but I can hope. 

I stared at my letter again but really didn't make any changes. However, I did begin work on a story I've been playing with for about a year. It's a fictional story but it's based on real events. I did change names to protect the guilty or whatever that disclaimer thing is supposed to read. It's a story based on a girl's best friend dying and all the things she goes through after she dies, the guilt she feels for not being there for her friend and her obsessions with things she can't control. Sounds familiar right?? It is. 

I started on the story just as a release for myself. It was something that helped me cope with some of the things that happened after Jennifer died. I wrote maybe 2 pages and then I stopped. I came back and would read over it but really had no motivation to finish it. But on Saturday, for some reason, I just went at it and I wrote another page or two. I felt good about the direction of it. It's not a story I really plan on publishing but who knows. It was more like my therapy. But anyway, it felt good to finally be able to write something again, other than a news story. 

Crazy busy

Man, things are crazy busy around here. I like to stay busy but I'd also like some sort of a break. 

Well I'm moving forward with the scholarship stuff. So far, I haven't had any contributions but then again, I haven't really asked for any yet. I'm still in the planning process I suppose. But Friday, I'm going to see Jennifer's mom to talk to her some about the scholarship and also to get some pics of Jennifer in her ECU band uniform so I can put that on the letter. 

I'm hoping to get the letter done soon. It's done but I don't feel it's good enough so I open it up every few days and stare at it, trying to think of ways to make it better. I guess I'm hoping I'll find a more inspirational way to ask someone for money. I'm hoping at least by the end of this month, the letter and all the flyers will be done and I can start sending them out. That's another reason I need to go to Jennifer's mom's house, to see if she can help me get some addresses of family and folks that would maybe contribute.

This scholarship thing has become overwhelming in that I'm terrified it won't work. I'm terrified I'll fail but at the same time, concentrating all my efforts on the scholarship has really helped me a lot. Before, I just dwelled on Jennifer not being here. I cried a lot and was just always grieving her it seemed. Now, I can focus that grief on something positive and knowing I'm doing something to honor Jennifer and her family makes me feel better. And, then there's the acceptance that I do need to let Jennifer go and move on, like she told me to do. I know this scholarship won't bring Jennifer back but it will keep her memory alive. And it will also provide a music education to someone who may not have otherwise been able to afford it. Jennifer would have wanted that. 

I'm still working on how specific I want this scholarship to be. I can choose basically what type of people get it; where they are from, the instrument they play, whether they are music majors, etc. etc. I'm planning to ask Jennifer's mom what she thinks. So far, I'm thinking of limiting it to Eastern NC musicians but I still can't decide whether it should be for just sax players or anyone. I may just limit it to Music Education folks, since that's initially what Jennifer wanted to do. 

I remember being in band in high school. Jennifer was our drum major and she was a pain in my butt. She was mean!!!! But of course, we understood she had to be. But she was so excited to be the drum major. And she was good at it. She could look at Stephanie and I and be just as serious as she could be and tell us to shut up or to do something. We were her best friends yet she didn't think twice about getting on us just like she got on everyone else. She was meant to be a music teacher and I was a little disappointed when she told me she had decided to go into hospitality management. I thought she would have been an excellent band teacher. But hey, Jennifer could have went into anything and made it work and that's what she did. Even though she didn't end up in music, I still feel a music scholarship is perfect for her and when the scholarship idea came to me, I didn't hesitate to think music as opposed to anything else. 

Work has been extra crazy the past few months and I have very little time to focus to much else. But I'm working so much now that my boss told me I could start taking days off during the week to make up for all the crazy hours I work at night and on weekends. Though I need the overtime, I'll probably take her up on that offer because I do need the extra time to work on this scholarship. 

I'm thankful to work for someone who is so understanding and who I can talk to about just about anything. I've never had a boss like that before. It's one of the main reasons I've stayed here so long. The job itself can be very frustrating and if I worked for someone that I didn't like, I wouldn't have been able to do it for as long as I have. But having good co-workers and a good boss makes all the difference. 

So hopefully, I can get this scholarship off the ground soon, at least the money part of it. I just have to stay focused and motivated.