A new era

I'm sitting in my living room wondering if it is really going to snow tonight and tomorrow. There's that little school girl part of me that really hopes it does but then the professional in me hopes it doesn't. Unfortunately, you don't get snow days if you work at a newspaper. But when you live out in the boonies, which I do, you sort of get stuck at home because the roads are too bad to do anything.

But anyway, tomorrow is the big day and maybe all the snow is just a way to allow Americans to sit at home and witness Barack Obama's inauguration. Whether you voted for him or not, he will be our new president. I'm excited for him and for America. And I'm proud that I've had the opportunity to witness history.

Depression and moving on...

Life contains ups and downs. I  think everybody knows that. I've struggled my whole life with depression. I always wondered why I seemed to go into depression so quickly. Something simple could trigger it and it would take weeks to get me out of my funk. It's a battle I've fought within myself for many years. Only once have I sought help. That was when I was probably the worst I had ever been. It was a scary time for me. I never understood why I felt the way I did or did the things I did. 

Recently, my mother came back into my life. It's a step that I took very carefully and it's something I'm still doing very carefully. I suppose she finally wanted to know her daughter. I'm not really interested in having her back as my mom or anything. I have several people that I look at as moms, I don't really need another mom but I did feel it was necessary for me to let her in so that I could let go of some of the anger and hurt that I have within me. I also thought it may give me some insight into myself. 

Whether you like it or not, there's a little bit of our parents in all of us. Growing up, I used to think I was just like my dad. I had his blonde hair, his blue eyes and his big-boned structure (that's what we call it). The few times I saw my mom, she's say things like, "You have my nose," and I'd be like "yeah right." Of course she's going to try to fish for something that I have of hers. But anyway, my mom and I have been communicating for maybe 3 months now. We've only seen each other 3 times but talk weekly via email and the phone. It was through our communications I found out I have a lot more in common with my mom that I'd like to admit. And they're all bad. Besides having my mom's really bad temper, I got the whole depression thing from her as well as some other mental things. When you spend 28 years without your mom, you kinda want to hear something better than that but that's what I've found out so far. The good news is, I've obviously been able to handle my issues a little better than she has. I'm very proud of that. But still, I'm very confused. 

Depression is something that isn't really talked about. There are very few people that really, truly  know about my depression. Very few. It's something I've learned to sorta keep bottled up and when it comes out, I can manage it. I can still wake up and go to work everyday and no one knows anything is wrong. Now that I'm older, I've found things that help make me better. Simple things like reminding myself of everything good in my life. Something really simple to others can make me feel like the world is falling upon me. So I have to sit down and really think of what I have. I have to remind myself that things could be worse and that I'm lucky to have a good husband, a good family, a roof over my head, a job, etc., etc.  A lot of times that's worked for me. Things have been really hard for the past few years. I lost my best friend in 2007. The reality that hit me was that she was my only friend. She was the only one I could really talk to about anything. I never doubted her trust and she always had something positive to say. She was so many things to me and in an instant she was gone and there were many times, and there still are, that I wish it were me instead of her. She had a lot more to offer the world than I did. It was then I fell back down. 

I spent a year and half obsessing over things I couldn't control, asking myself if there was anything I could have done to prevent her death. I lost all faith in God and I spiraled into a place that I've only been to once before. I can't say what brought me out of it but I'd like to believe it was through the prayers of others that I finally got better. I still have some work to do on my faith but I believe things happen for a reason and I'm going to make sure my friend did not die in vain. I've tried to stop obsessing over why she died and instead focus on making good things happen because of her death. I know it's what she'd want me to do. 

This is why 2009 is my year. I'm determined to make it a better year and I'm determined to use this year to not mourn Jennifer anymore but instead celebrate her and work hard to never forget everything she did for me and many other people. I'm also using 2009 to do the things I've always talked about doing but never actually did. Life is short. I've been reminded of that many times. I want to make sure if my time comes that I can say that I lived a good life and did well. 

Losing Weight

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have several resolutions for 2009. Among those and along with many other Americans, I'd like to lose a few pounds. Okay, a lot of pounds.

I've never really thought of myself as a skinny person. I've always been very self conscious about my body and my weight. But now that I'm older, and truly overweight, I look back at all my old high school and college photos and realize, I really wasn't THAT big. Today, however, I feel huge.
I'm not sure where it all came from. Perhaps reality hit. I got married and moved away from home and got a job that keeps me pretty busy. I eat pretty unhealthy. I drink even worse. I cannot exist without caffeine. Right now, as I type this, it's almost 3 p.m. and I have not had a single ounce of caffeine. I've drank only water so far. And, my vision is blurry, I'm getting a headache and I feel like I'll explode if someone says anything to me remotely out of the way. But it's for a good cause, so I convince myself I'll be okay although I'm pretty sure by the end of the day, I'll put at least a little bit of caffeine in my veins so that I may help my addiction.

I've started counting my calories. Initially, I decided I would still have sodas and just eat less. I would rather give up food than sodas, I said. But once I started writing down everything I ate and how many calories I was consuming, I realized sodas had A LOT of calories and I was just wasting calories so I decided to do a major cutback on drinks. One day, I'll be clean. No more sodas. But for now I need at least a little bit to get me through the day.

But back to the point, of course, I want to lose weight because I really need to. I'm to the point that I cannot do anything without feeling exhausted. I used to play basketball for God's sake, now I can't even walk to the mailbox without running out of breath. It was marriage, I guess. That's when it really all happened. I got married and gained like 75 pounds. Who knows the reason. Some say it's because you are happy so you just let go and do whatever. Maybe that's true.

Aside from the needing to concept, I want to lose weight because I want to feel better about myself and I want to have kids. I feel I owe my children a mom that can have plenty of energy to chase them around. But even before then, I feel like I should be healthy to even give birth. So that's my motivation this time and that's what is making this weight loss thing work for me this time. I have a true motivation. And this time, I have to stay serious and focused.

I've struggled with the whole baby concept for a while. My mom left when I was little and quite frankly, I'm terrified to have kids. I'm scared I won't know how to be a mother. I never had one so how should I know how to be one? They say it's instinctual but that doesn't have me convinced. It took me a long time before I even said the words, "I want a baby." I'm sure my husband thought he was going to pass out. I've never been a baby person. But now, I'm convinced I do someday want a kid. I'm also convinced that I can't be any worse of a mother than my mom was because I'll be there and that counts for something. Maybe that motherly instinct will kick in afterall.

Resolutions and 2009

Resolutions. Millions of Americans make them and millions of Americans break them, including me. Each year, I break just about every resolution I make. It was so bad, I finally decided not to make anymore resolutions. But of course, as 2008 came to an end, I began making resolutions. By New Year's Eve, I had sat down and actually written them out. And by New Year's Day, they were official, typed on my computer and in my Blackberry to remind me that this year, I was serious. Which leads me to this blog.

I had 6 resolutions this year, some of which I probably would not keep but others that I felt pretty confident about. This week, I sat down and thought about what I really wanted in life. That led me to my seventh, and final, resolution. I wanted to write more. Nothing specific although a nice book or short story would be nice but my main goal was just to get back into writing.

I write for a living but it's not the same. I am a journalist and although I enjoy what I do and am able to make a living writing, it's not my ultimate goal. I've let myself believe I was content in what I was doing and didn't need to go any further with my writing. The reality is there's still something missing. So this year, I'm getting it back.

I'm not new to blogging. I've had to create blogs for some classes I took a few years ago at UNC. It took me a while to get the concept and eventually I deleted those blogs. However, since blogging seems to be a good path for me to get some writing done, here I am. I have no goals. Some writers set goals for each day or for the year. They want to get so many words down in a day. I just want to write and I'll try to write as much as I can but I have no set word limits, at least not yet.

So, this is the start of my blog and hopefully, the start of some new things in my life.