Losing Weight

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have several resolutions for 2009. Among those and along with many other Americans, I'd like to lose a few pounds. Okay, a lot of pounds.

I've never really thought of myself as a skinny person. I've always been very self conscious about my body and my weight. But now that I'm older, and truly overweight, I look back at all my old high school and college photos and realize, I really wasn't THAT big. Today, however, I feel huge.
I'm not sure where it all came from. Perhaps reality hit. I got married and moved away from home and got a job that keeps me pretty busy. I eat pretty unhealthy. I drink even worse. I cannot exist without caffeine. Right now, as I type this, it's almost 3 p.m. and I have not had a single ounce of caffeine. I've drank only water so far. And, my vision is blurry, I'm getting a headache and I feel like I'll explode if someone says anything to me remotely out of the way. But it's for a good cause, so I convince myself I'll be okay although I'm pretty sure by the end of the day, I'll put at least a little bit of caffeine in my veins so that I may help my addiction.

I've started counting my calories. Initially, I decided I would still have sodas and just eat less. I would rather give up food than sodas, I said. But once I started writing down everything I ate and how many calories I was consuming, I realized sodas had A LOT of calories and I was just wasting calories so I decided to do a major cutback on drinks. One day, I'll be clean. No more sodas. But for now I need at least a little bit to get me through the day.

But back to the point, of course, I want to lose weight because I really need to. I'm to the point that I cannot do anything without feeling exhausted. I used to play basketball for God's sake, now I can't even walk to the mailbox without running out of breath. It was marriage, I guess. That's when it really all happened. I got married and gained like 75 pounds. Who knows the reason. Some say it's because you are happy so you just let go and do whatever. Maybe that's true.

Aside from the needing to concept, I want to lose weight because I want to feel better about myself and I want to have kids. I feel I owe my children a mom that can have plenty of energy to chase them around. But even before then, I feel like I should be healthy to even give birth. So that's my motivation this time and that's what is making this weight loss thing work for me this time. I have a true motivation. And this time, I have to stay serious and focused.

I've struggled with the whole baby concept for a while. My mom left when I was little and quite frankly, I'm terrified to have kids. I'm scared I won't know how to be a mother. I never had one so how should I know how to be one? They say it's instinctual but that doesn't have me convinced. It took me a long time before I even said the words, "I want a baby." I'm sure my husband thought he was going to pass out. I've never been a baby person. But now, I'm convinced I do someday want a kid. I'm also convinced that I can't be any worse of a mother than my mom was because I'll be there and that counts for something. Maybe that motherly instinct will kick in afterall.