Life contains ups and downs. I think everybody knows that. I've struggled my whole life with depression. I always wondered why I seemed to go into depression so quickly. Something simple could trigger it and it would take weeks to get me out of my funk. It's a battle I've fought within myself for many years. Only once have I sought help. That was when I was probably the worst I had ever been. It was a scary time for me. I never understood why I felt the way I did or did the things I did.
Recently, my mother came back into my life. It's a step that I took very carefully and it's something I'm still doing very carefully. I suppose she finally wanted to know her daughter. I'm not really interested in having her back as my mom or anything. I have several people that I look at as moms, I don't really need another mom but I did feel it was necessary for me to let her in so that I could let go of some of the anger and hurt that I have within me. I also thought it may give me some insight into myself.
Whether you like it or not, there's a little bit of our parents in all of us. Growing up, I used to think I was just like my dad. I had his blonde hair, his blue eyes and his big-boned structure (that's what we call it). The few times I saw my mom, she's say things like, "You have my nose," and I'd be like "yeah right." Of course she's going to try to fish for something that I have of hers. But anyway, my mom and I have been communicating for maybe 3 months now. We've only seen each other 3 times but talk weekly via email and the phone. It was through our communications I found out I have a lot more in common with my mom that I'd like to admit. And they're all bad. Besides having my mom's really bad temper, I got the whole depression thing from her as well as some other mental things. When you spend 28 years without your mom, you kinda want to hear something better than that but that's what I've found out so far. The good news is, I've obviously been able to handle my issues a little better than she has. I'm very proud of that. But still, I'm very confused.
Depression is something that isn't really talked about. There are very few people that really, truly know about my depression. Very few. It's something I've learned to sorta keep bottled up and when it comes out, I can manage it. I can still wake up and go to work everyday and no one knows anything is wrong. Now that I'm older, I've found things that help make me better. Simple things like reminding myself of everything good in my life. Something really simple to others can make me feel like the world is falling upon me. So I have to sit down and really think of what I have. I have to remind myself that things could be worse and that I'm lucky to have a good husband, a good family, a roof over my head, a job, etc., etc. A lot of times that's worked for me. Things have been really hard for the past few years. I lost my best friend in 2007. The reality that hit me was that she was my only friend. She was the only one I could really talk to about anything. I never doubted her trust and she always had something positive to say. She was so many things to me and in an instant she was gone and there were many times, and there still are, that I wish it were me instead of her. She had a lot more to offer the world than I did. It was then I fell back down.
I spent a year and half obsessing over things I couldn't control, asking myself if there was anything I could have done to prevent her death. I lost all faith in God and I spiraled into a place that I've only been to once before. I can't say what brought me out of it but I'd like to believe it was through the prayers of others that I finally got better. I still have some work to do on my faith but I believe things happen for a reason and I'm going to make sure my friend did not die in vain. I've tried to stop obsessing over why she died and instead focus on making good things happen because of her death. I know it's what she'd want me to do.
This is why 2009 is my year. I'm determined to make it a better year and I'm determined to use this year to not mourn Jennifer anymore but instead celebrate her and work hard to never forget everything she did for me and many other people. I'm also using 2009 to do the things I've always talked about doing but never actually did. Life is short. I've been reminded of that many times. I want to make sure if my time comes that I can say that I lived a good life and did well.
No comments:
Post a Comment