Just pray

Sometimes, you just have to sit back and give your life to God, problems and all. It's not as easy as it sounds but in the end, it's the best way you can handle life's little lemons.

The past few months have been both hard and exciting all at the same time. We have a little baby coming which is the best thing that's ever happened to us and it's something we truly treasure. But we don't exactly have our lives together which makes having a baby pretty tough. As soon as I got pregnant, I had to become a different type of person. Typically, I worry about everything and I mean everything. But stress is not good for a pregnant woman so I started not worrying and I just started believing God would take care of everything. And He has. Our lives are still a mess but we can see a light. We can see things changing. I finally listened to Jennifer and I gave it to God.

It's been amazing to see the change in my marriage since we decided to include God. And I'm amazed at what God has done for Allen. He has taken this person who had so many doubts and just turned his life around. I'm so proud of my new husband, the husband that truly wants to  go to church every Sunday, the husband who will now take my hand in a restaurant to pray before we eat, the one whose answer to everything now is, "We just need to pray about it." We still have some work to do but it feels so good to be able to grow and to leave all our problems and worries at God's feet and just know that He will be there during our hard times and will guide us where we need to go.

Busy times

Well, the next few weekends are going to be fun. We have stuff going on constantly which means the baby's room will probably not get done. Poor Corbin. He's going to have to sleep in the bathtub.

This weekend, Allen is doing some work for my aunt. He's also helping his parents finish up their kitchen. He took on the task of completely remodeling their kitchen in August and still has some odd end stuff to do. So he needs to finish it. Next weekend, we have Allen's rescheduled self-defense class. Then the next two weekends, we have baby showers. So the next 4 weekends will be spent in Pitt County. I love being down there but good grief! I have a house of my own and it's a house that needs a ton of work. Allen has people pulling him in all directions to help him out. My dad has him working on a car and two barns for him, his parents have stuff going on and then there's other things he's doing for other people. Yet, when it comes time to work on our house, we seem to have a hard time finding help. Imagine that. It's frustrating but he is getting paid for most of the projects he's helping other people on. I feel bad for him because he has so much going on. No wonder he has a hard time finishing projects. I'd have trouble too if I had a million of them going on.

But nonetheless, we'll figure things out and get the baby's room done. I imagine we'll have to work on it during the week but Allen's weekdays have been full too. So we'll see what happens. We still have 3 more months to get it done so we shall see.

Financial Peace.....it's a coming!

Well Allen's first week at his new job has went well. He's been busy and I feel bad for him. On top of working full-time, he has to also finish up his part-time job at the newspaper. They wanted him to start immediately and since he wanted to at least give a two-weeks notice to the paper, they allowed him to take off the one morning a week he needs for that. And, for some reason, a bunch of side jobs have started coming in. It's great but poor Allen. Where were all these side jobs when he was sitting on his butt at home? So several days this week he has went to work, come home, had dinner and then went off to do a side job. But we need the extra money pretty badly so we'll take the jobs as long as Allen is willing to do them! I feel bad though because I have just my one job and really have no time for a second job. My schedule is way too demanding. Plus, this whole being pregnant thing is like a second job. It has really taken its toll on me. I stay tired and just always feel drained. Just having to cook and do housework on top of my job is about to kill me.

It's hard to believe we only have three more months. We're not ready for little Corbin yet. We still have to finish his room, save up so we can still eat during my maternity leave, buy a more family-friendly vehicle and all sorts of other stuff. We need another 5 years!!! But hopefully, we will get it all done.

Last week, Allen and I started listening to Dave Ramsey's financial peace university class. It's supposed to help teach you how to get out of debt and also save, which are two of the things Allen and I have been trying to do since we got married. The first lesson was like a slap in the face. It was one of those "duh" moments. Everything he said was just basic common sense. But nonetheless, we're on our way to financial peace, at least I hope so anyway!!! We'll have to change a lot of our ways of thinking and I'm expecting we'll have to trade in our really awesome, hip cell phones for some plain boring phones but if that's what we have to do to have a better financial life and be able to provide for our kid, then I guess I can go without updating my facebook status every second for a bit. We will hopefully do our second lesson tonight but we're still working on the homework from the first lesson. Our first assignment was to develop a budget and to work on saving $1,000. That's the first baby step of this whole process. It doesn't sound too hard but when you sit down and look at your budget, you wonder how the heck are you going to save $1,000 in like a month?!?!

Anyway, I'm hopeful that this whole thing will work out for us. It's going to take some time and sacrifices but we are so tired of being in debt for stupid stuff. It sure would be nice to have something break at our house or on our cars and actually have money in our savings to fix it! It would also be nice to get a paycheck and not have to put it towards stupid credit cards every month and instead be able to put it towards my family for having fun and saving for college and retirement and all that fun, happy stuff. It almost seems impossible but I believe if we truly dedicate ourselves to this thing and continue praying hard about it, it will happen. It's the least we can do to ensure our little baby has a bright future!

A new job for Allen

So Allen is officially in his first week at his new job. I'm happy for him and I hope that he likes it and that it turns out to be a good job for him. Allen's had a hard time with jobs over the past 10 years. He actually wants to work but the type of work he does is in places that suffer during bad economic times. I know he is so relieved to have found something. It's been hard for him not working. Men are weird about that type of thing. They want to work and provide for their families and when they can't they feel insignificant somehow. It's been really hard with Allen not working but he's found work and he worked part-time at the paper with me so he did what he could. That's all that really mattered to me. He also helped around the house, which really helped out a lot.

On the baby front, little Corbin seems to be doing fine. He moves around a lot and likes to kick me so I guess that is a good thing. Hopefully, we will get his room done soon. I hope so! I am so ready to see it finished so I can go sit in his room and think. I keep wondering what he's going to be like. We got to really see a lot more of him at our last appointment and I really think he'll look like Allen. He has his really long legs, it seems, and his nose. I think he'll look like me too. But I wonder if he'll like sports or if he'll be like his daddy and like science and history and nerdy stuff like that! Or, will he be like his mommy and like to read and write. Maybe he'll be a good combination of us both and be athletic yet smart and nerdy. I don't really care what he likes, I just want him to be a happy, healthy little boy that loves his parents and thinks we are awesome!

Good news and bad news....

Well I have good news and bad news to share this week. The good news is that Allen found a full-time job and will start Monday. We have prayed and prayed and prayed that something would happen. I hope this is what God sent his way and isn't some sort of trick. Neither Allen nor I can take on another crappy job that ends up laying him off in a few months. But we'll enjoy it while we can, I suppose. I hope this will help us get back on our feet a little more and get prepared for the baby's arrival.

I was hoping he'd find something closer to home and was also hoping he'd find a really good part-time job so he could continue working on the house but financially, I guess we really need the full-time job more. I just pray this job is good for him.

Most of the bad news is more than I want to share on the internet. But Allen and I have been dealing with a mistake that was made on our 2008 taxes for over a year. It was the first year we went to someone else to do our taxes and it was the biggest mistake we ever made. Now, we are paying for it. The person who did our taxes messed up something and because of this mistake, we owe back taxes. We would have paid them by now, except this "person" said they'd take care of it, then they never did. Then they again said they'd take care of it, paid half and then decided they didn't want to do the rest. So we're stuck with a hefty IRS bill that right now, we can't afford to pay. I am all for forgiving mistakes. But it pisses me off when people pull the whole "I'm a Christian" thing as their business motto and then turn around and lie and manipulate and don't act like a Christian. I have never been lied to by a company as much as I have by this company. And what's worse is that because of their little "I'm a Christian" act, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. It makes it hard to be a nice person but we're going to let it go and just deal with it ourself. But I have turned this company into the Better Business Bureau and will also be filing a complaint at the Attorney General's Office. If I had money falling out of trees, I'd sue this company just to make them spend lots of money fighting a lawsuit. I know that sounds bad but that's how ugly this company has been. Anyway, to top off everything else we've been dealing with, we have this on our hands too.

In other disappointing news, it looks like Allen's class this weekend won't happen. We didn't get a very good response. I wish I could say I'm surprised but I'm not. I was worried from the beginning but I guess we will move on from here. We aren't giving up but will just be readjusting our plans to get started. But we'll continue to pray about it and see what God tells us.

Almost there....

So, today I am 24 weeks. I guess that means I am 6 months, which means I have 3 more months to go! Oh boy. I'm ready but I'm not ready! We still haven't finished Corbin's room, much less the rest of our house. We have a long ways to go!!!

In other loveliness, Allen's martial arts stuff is moving forward, slowly but surely. He's having a mock class this weekend in Pitt County and I hope and pray people show up. So far, we haven't really had many people commit to it. But I'm hopeful it will all turn out in the end. This mock class will give him an idea of the # of students and will be a refresher for him I guess. Really, it's just to make us comfortable with moving forward with the real thing. We're charging people for this class when we do it in Nashville so we want to make sure we're giving people their money's worth! Allen and I are also continuing to work on his business plan as well. It's moving forward. Hopefully by the end of this month, we'll be done with it.

Allen is also making some progress on the job hunt. We've come to a point in our life where we are trying hard to get out of debt so we can raise our baby in a debt free home. I doubt we'll be out of debt by June but if we are at least better off than we are now, we'll be doing good. Obviously, we can't do it with me being the only one working full time so Allen is looking for a job to help us get rid of some debt and to help us move faster on working on the house, getting money saved up for his business and other stuff. I hope something comes up for him. We can't get this martial arts business going without something happening and the sooner it happens, the sooner his stuff can happen. I want it to happen for him so bad.

This has been a little scary for me. Our lives are a little different now with a baby on the way so we have to make sure we do things smarter. But Allen really truly believes this will work and if it does, I think it'll be good for the baby. It'll give us more flexible schedules so we can be with the baby more and not have to let him grow up so much in a daycare. I guess eventually, I see this as a happy little family business, where Allen and I will get to do things together and be with the baby as well. But we'll see. We'll let God lead us and see where He takes us.

Baby kicks and Valentine's Day

Well, the doctor's appointment is behind us and all is well. The baby is looking and sounding great. He's growing good, all his heart parts are there and it sounds just as a heart should. We got to see him on a 3D ultrasound, which was pretty cool. He has super long legs, like his daddy and granddaddy (both of them), and seems to have Allen's side of the family's big 'ole nose! But thank God, he seems to have my heart, a nice, healthy, beautiful heart! I enjoyed getting to see him so much. I would like to buy me one of those ultrasound machines so I can see him kick me more often. While at the doctor, we got to see his long legs ball up and throw a kick right at my stomach! At least I got to prove to Allen that he does in fact kick me as hard as he can everyday!

But anywho, it's Valentine's Day and it's a day I don't really like. It's so commercial and I feel that when you love someone, you should show them more than once a year. So I try not to take part in the day too much though I do enjoy my husband being extra nice to me on this lovely day. I'm fortunate in that my husband does treat me well all through the year and he brings me flowers and candy and special things, even when he's not in trouble! But nonetheless, I have a present for Allen and he has something for me and we will do the mushy present and card exchange later and tell each other what we already know.

Happy day

Thank God, I'm finally feeling a little better and no longer feel on the verge of a mental breakdown! It's amazing how you can be all sad and crap one day and then the next jump out of bed and scream, "Hallelujah!" Well, I didn't actually do that but I got out of bed without whining or crying so, same thing.

Last night, Allen brought me flowers. I wonder if he reads this blog or if maybe God reached down and slapped him around a few times and told him I needed flowers. It's a pretty neat story of how he got them too but I'm not sharing that on here. There's some things better left unsaid! But, when you are married, flowers are something that you want to get but that you don't want your spouse to spend all your money on so in the end, you say you'd rather not get them. But Allen got me some flowers for free and they are just as beautiful as ones from a store. And, I'm just as happy. If only he would be that creative more often, I'd be a happy lady.

Speaking of Allen, he needs a job and he needs one now. He's had no luck finding work, part time or full time. It's hard because everyone needs a job right now but I'm trying to stay positive because I know the right job will come around at the right time. But Allen's martial arts stuff cannot start without the financial backing and I cannot provide for our family and for his business so something's gotta give. So we will keep looking for jobs and praying that something happens sooner rather than later.

On other notes, I would like to redesign this blog a little, to make it a little more exciting but I cannot figure it out!! Dur. I'm an idiot. So I suppose my blog stays as it is. Oh well, I don't think there's too many folks that visit this site anyway, so I don't reckon it really even matters. But I was hoping to add some things to make it more attractive. Maybe next time.

back to the doctor

So this week, we are 23 weeks along. That means we have 17 weeks left before baby Corbin comes into this world. It's scary and exciting.

Corbin is now the size of a spaghetti squash. He's supposedly 8 inches and finally weighs a whole pound. Imagine that!

On Friday, we head back to Raleigh for another detailed ultrasound to make sure everything is still nice and healthy. I'm excited about getting to see my little boy again but also nervous. That last appointment went well and I am hopeful this one will too. But, you never know. I pray Corbin is still just as healthy as he was a month ago when we went. I hope you will pray too!

Pregnancy brain and hairy body parts

So, I've been able to manage most of the crazy things that go along with being pregnant except for one; pregnancy brain.

They say pregnancy brain makes you forgetful and all sorts of things. I say it really means stupid. Being pregnant makes you stupid. Seriously.

I feel like the baby is sucking my brains out and because I have a job that utilizes my brain, or at least the creative writing side of it, it's not a good thing. I have horrible writer's block. It takes me twice as long to write a story now.

But on top of that, I'm doing really dumb things. Allen finds it amusing that I'm blaming the baby on my stupidity but it's true!

I don't even want to get up and go to work anymore because I know I'll sit and stare at my computer for hours trying to write one simple story that used to take minutes to actually write and maybe an hour to completely pull together. It's insane.

I need a more simpler job for now, one that you push a button and that's it. I couldn't possibly screw that up could I?

On top of the getting dumber everyday, Allen also pointed out to me this weekend that my stomach is hairy! Allen obviously hasn't been doing a good job over the past month of being the sympathetic husband of a pregnant woman. If he had just pointed it out, that would have been one thing, but instead, he pointed it out and was doubling over with laughter. He found it amusing that pregnancy had put hair on my stomach. I couldn't see it so I think he's lying but he swears its there. So now, on top of a fatter stomach and stretch marks, apparently, I can add hair to the list of unflattering attributes of my pregnant belly. And Allen claims that my hairy stomach means our baby will be hairy so I'll be giving birth to a little monkey. I told Allen I'd shave the baby or better  yet, I'd Nair him so he'd be all nice and smooth.

My bladder is not your personal trampoline Corbin Nicholas Clark

Corbin has been moving a lot this week. I love it because it makes me feel like he's doing good. But this movement is kind of annoying because it sometimes hurts. I feel like he's in there seeing just how hard his little foot can kick me. When he's not doing that, I think he's using my bladder as a trampoline. Not cool little man!

I started to feel bad on Wednesday afternoon and on Thursday, I didn't get to work until 10:30. Then I left at 12. I started having hot flashes and I felt sick and my stomach hurt. I didn't know what was going on. But it didn't feel good. So I went home and went to bed. Ever since, I've been in this icky mood. I hope it goes away soon.

It's hard to believe we have only four more months left before Corbin arrives. It's excited and scary all at the same time. I hope we have our house ready in time. And I hope we're ready too! It's scary to think that we are responsible for this little being and that we could potentially screw him up if we aren't good parents. No pressure or anything!

But I feel we'll be as good of parents as we can be and we'll do everything we can to ensure Corbin has a better life than either of us did, not that our lives were horrible but you always want your kid to have it better than you did.

Jennifer

I can't seem to get rid of Jennifer, from my thoughts, from my mind, from my life. I shouldn't say "get rid of" because that's not what I mean but it seems like just as I'm doing better and trying to move on, something happens that brings it all back.

This week, I was going through a flash drive looking for stuff to help Allen with his business plan. There was a file on it called "Just to hear your voice." I knew immediately what it was. I thought I had lost it but there it was. I knew I shouldn't have but I did it, I clicked on the file and in a second, I heard Jennifer's voice. "You have reached the voicemail of Jennifer Ragland Evans....." I cut it off and fought back the tears.

After Jennifer died, I found comfort in listening to her voicemail. I became worried her husband would get rid of her phone so I called it one day and recorded the message so I could hear it whenever I wanted. It brought me comfort then but it brings me pain now. But I won't delete it. One day, I'll be able to listen to it and be comforted again, just not right now. It hurts too much.

And again this week, I found a letter I had written to Jennifer in June, around her 30th birthday. It was one of many letters I have written over the years but I had kept this one somewhere on my computer. Most of the time, I write them and then delete them. It makes me feel better to get it all out but then I delete it so I don't to come back and find it and feel that pain again. It's a weird way to go about things, I know. But it's how I grieve.

Anyway, I read the letter and decided that I didn't want to delete this one because when I wrote it, I obviously wanted to keep it. So I decided to post it here so that I could keep it tucked away somewhere safe but delete it off my flash drive.

Dear Jennifer, June 21,2010

It's been three years and three months since you left this earth. And still, I find it hard to believe. It's amazing how much the tears still fall. 

Just a few days ago, your 30th birthday slipped by. And though I tried to not let it upset me, I found myself thinking of how you would have spent your day. I imagine there would have been some sort of party in store and I know that no matter what, you would have made it the best party. I wish we could have had that party. I wish I had enjoyed the parties before a little more. I even wish I had partied a little more with you. 

Jennifer, I thought I was moving on and doing better. But lately, I find myself wondering if that is true. Allen tells me all the time that I have to let you go, that I'm letting your death and the circumstances surrounding it eat at me. I don't know if he's worried about me or just sick of me crying. Maybe both. 

Allen and I have talked about separating. There are lots of reasons but I can't help but wonder if your death has played some sort of a role in it, that maybe if I could let go of that lingering grief I have, I could focus more on my marriage instead of the things I can't change. Or, maybe if I had you to talk to and tell me it would be okay, things would have been better between us. 

We're working hard to fix the things we can fix and to forgive the past and focus more on the future. But it's hard. There are many times I find myself needing someone to talk to about things, someone to tell me everything is going to be alright. You were always that person and even today, three years later, it's hard to accept that you will never be that shoulder to cry on ever again. And I'm not sure I'll ever find another friend like that. 

When all this happened, I spent a long time grieving. But through it all, I knew I wanted to do something to honor you and remember you. I finally decided a scholarship at ECU would be perfect. lt took a good year for me to even get in the talking stages of this. I thought of it quickly but actually doing it meant accepting you were gone. In the end, I felt like doing this would help me grieve. But now, I'm not sure if it is. 

This scholarship has made me deal with things that are hard to deal with and it's made me need a friend more. But at the same time, it's allowed me to keep remembering you while doing something good. I'm glad I got the guts and finally did it. And I did it just the way you would have wanted me to, by giving it to God and letting him lead the way. But still, I miss you and I wonder if this lingering pain will ever go away. I wonder if I'll ever be able to think about you and my eyes not fill up with tears. I wonder if I will ever be able to truly let you go? 

I've started on many letters to you over the years, they were letters that were similar to this but they ended with me telling you that I was letting you go, that I had to stop grieving. But in the end, I couldn't do anything but delete the letters and admit that I was not ready to do such a thing. 

This is not one of those letters. I just found myself writing to you. I needed to talk and even though you can't read this letter, it made me feel better to get it out. 

I don't think I'll ever completely be over losing you. You were my best friend and in an instant, you were gone. There will never be another Jennifer Ragland Evans and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to accept such a friendship from another person. That's my burden to bear, I suppose, and I'm the one that will lose out in the end. I'm so thankful to have had such a true friend and I will cherish our friendship forever. 

Love,

Amanda

Apples and Oranges and Sugar, oh my

So little Corbin now weighs a whole pound! That's like the size of a box of sugar, at least that's what my "What to expect when you're expecting" emails told me. It's awesome to get these little emails every week that provides updates to his size and what things he's experiencing. This week, they said he can distinguish light and dark but he pretty much sees dark since he's in this dark hole in my belly but if I shined a flash light just right on my belly, he could see it. Weird.

Every night, I try to play him some music. Some nights, I just play him a lullaby by Reba McEntire and other nights I'll play several different things. I like to think he's in there just waiting for bedtime so he can listen to the music. At first, he moved around a lot when the music played but now, he's not doing it as much. I guess he's used to it.

It's so strange having this little baby inside you. I cannot wait for each doctor's appointment that I get to see or hear him and every time I feel him move around inside me, it makes me smile. Recently, we felt his actual foot kick me. We could feel his little toes pounding against my stomach. It was so awesome! It's the first and last time. I'm sure as he continues to grow I'll be able to feel him more but it's so cool the times I can sit still and feel him bouncing around. I know at some point, when he's really big and kicking hard, I'll probably not enjoy it quite as much!

Allen likes to talk to Corbin. He'll lean down and talk into my stomach. It's sweet and I hope Corbin can hear him. He doesn't say much but I think in a few more weeks, we'll both be talking to him a whole lot more.

And each day Corbin develops and grows more, I feel better and better. I haven't been sick lately and I've felt pretty good. I'm still really tired and lazy feeling but other than that, and the occasional headache, I'm doing so good. I feel great so I'm going to enjoy it while I can. I know eventually, I'll be so big I'll be pretty miserable.

But I can't wait until June. I just feel like we're going to have this amazing kid. I'm sure all parents think that but I can envision so many things with our little boy. I know Allen will be a great father and will teach him how to be a man. He'll teach him how to hunt and fish and fight and I'll teach him everything I know about basketball. When the time comes (like when he's 25), we'll teach him about relationships and love and women. I feel like my new best friend is coming into this world on June 8. It's just an amazing feeling and it's one I never thought I'd feel.