Yes I Am

Well, the past month has been strange. Here's why.

I've spent many of my days with my head in a toilet, barfing my brains out.

In mid-April, I got some sort of virus. I think it was the norovirus but I was sick as a dog. I passed on my sickness to both Corbin and Allen. There's only lasted a few hours. Mine lasted a whole stinking week. I just figured that I had a worse case of the virus. A few weeks later, I was still feeling like crap. I thought this virus was kicking my butt. Then, at Relay for Life, I got sick again and that weekend, I started throwing up. And, I wanted a pickle.

Allen immediately went to the store and though he didn't get me any pickles, he did pick up a pregnancy test. I took both of them. They both said that I was, in fact, pregnant.

I'll be honest. I was freaking out about it this time. Allen was too.

It's funny because as soon as Corbin was born, I wanted another one. But the reality of it was that we couldn't handle another one. We finally agreed that we would be okay with being pregnant when Corbin was two. So we had some time to plan things. But things don't apparently go as planned in my life!

I'm still freaking out a little. Two babies! Two kids in my house at one time, all the time...oh yeah, plus Allen. And, two chickens, two dogs and too many cats. I'm going to have a zoo.

In between freaking out, I felt guilty. I felt guilty because I know so many people that want to see those two little lines on that test so bad. They are trying and praying to have a kid and here I am, blinking my eyes and getting pregnant.

There was a time in my life I thought I'd never have a kid. When I was 29, I found out my mom and my grandmother had to have hysterectomy's before they were 30 because they had uterine cancer. Because of that, I am a high risk. My doctor pretty much told me if I wanted kids, I better get on it now. And Allen, well Allen was told he probably would never have kids because of so many karate injuries. So for us to have not one but two kids is a blessing so big I can't even describe it.

We just started telling people. It's been interesting and right now, it's hard to tell how people feel about it. But I don't care what other people think because I'm happy about it and that's all that really matters.

But in December of this year, my house will have another crying baby in it. I'm excited and terrified all at the same time. But most of all, I'm really thankful because I don't deserve such a wonderful blessing.

Update on Stephanie

I finally got a chance to go visit Stephanie and her parents in the hospital. This week has been super crazy at work. I've had board meetings, elections and then there's the Blooming Festival. It makes for a crazy week. So it wasn't until Thursday I could get down to Pitt County. Stephanie's parents seem okay. They seem optimistic about things and it's inspiring to see how faithful they are at a time like this. I am certainly not that way and I am ashamed at myself. I didn't have plans to actually go see Stephanie in her room. They are limited visitors so her parents sit out in the waiting room, occasionally going in to visit. While we were there, I ended up going in with her mom. I was glad I did. I imagined a coma, even though medically induced, to pretty scary. I didn't know if I could handle seeing her like that and I certainly didn't want to break down in front of her mom. But I held it together. When Mrs. Ragland talked to Steph, she opened her eyes a bit. She's got some movement going on too. That was certainly encouraging to hear. Stephanie's got a long road ahead of her. I'm trying to be confident that she'll come out of this and be okay. I have to believe God wouldn't take another daughter the Raglands. And though, I have yet to get on my knees and pray, I have prayed for Stephanie. And I will continue to do so. I may be angry at God and I may not understand His ways, but I do still believe in Him and I believe that through this whole thing, something good will happen.

Praying for Stephanie

I'm mad at God. I'm trying not to be but I am. I keep listening to these inspiring, Christian songs to pull me through and to give me the strength to fall on my knees and do the one thing I know I should be doing right now. But it's the one thing I can't bring myself to do. PRAY. I'm too mad to pray. If God were standing in front of me, I'd pound him in the chest repeatedly until He made me stop. And then I'd scream at him WHY WHY WHY. My best friend's sister, Stephanie, is in a medically induced coma right now. My best friend is Jennifer. I know she's not alive anymore on this earth but I still consider her my best friend. She will always be. Anyway, her sister had a procedure done on Thursday and there were some complications. The end result was this coma which is helping her rest. She's been in it since maybe Friday or Saturday and will be in it until at least Wednesday.

I don't know what this all means. I don't understand the medical mumbo jumbo that comes along with it. I just know the words "coma." Those words freak me out.

I found out about things on Saturday. Allen and I are going through some changes with our phone provider so I don't have a smart phone right now and am unable to keep up as much with things. I got a phone call on my "dumb" phone late Saturday night and found out.

I had been thinking of calling Stephanie on Saturday to check in but then decided against it because I thought she may need another day or two to heal before having calls. I had even initially planned to go down Saturday to see her but then thought she wouldn't be ready for visitors. I never did either.

And then I got the phone call.

My first reaction was that anger. Anger at God. But then that anger turned full force on myself.

I made a promise to Jennifer after she died. I promised I'd look after her family. And look at me. I'm like 60 miles away while her parents are going through the second hardest time of their life.

I should be there.

I'm a crappy person. I'm a crappy friend. I'm a crappy Christian. And I broke a promise.

If I can't be there in person, I should at least be on my knees praying, praying hard, praying like it's the only thing in this world that I want from God. But I can't even do that either. I'm too mad at Him.

Why would God throw something like this at a family who's already been through everything? Why would He? I just don't understand it.

I bet God would like to reach down and slap me right now. If I wasn't such a sissy, I'd slap myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I know that eventually, the anger will subside. But right now, I'm really worried and scared and I want to push someone down in a mud puddle.

Please pray for Stephanie and her family. And eventually, I know I will join you.

Prayers

There's a lot going on in my life right now, things I cannot discuss in this space, which is why I've been absent.

I guess all I can do is ask for prayers, prayers for comfort, guidance and healing. And prayers that through this process, I can find someone to confide in to help me through this time of my life.

It should be a happy time and it is. I have promised myself I would be happy no matter what and I would not let others attitudes and opinions affect my own.

So just know I am happy about things, I just am very alone right now.