Praying for Stephanie

I'm mad at God. I'm trying not to be but I am. I keep listening to these inspiring, Christian songs to pull me through and to give me the strength to fall on my knees and do the one thing I know I should be doing right now. But it's the one thing I can't bring myself to do. PRAY. I'm too mad to pray. If God were standing in front of me, I'd pound him in the chest repeatedly until He made me stop. And then I'd scream at him WHY WHY WHY. My best friend's sister, Stephanie, is in a medically induced coma right now. My best friend is Jennifer. I know she's not alive anymore on this earth but I still consider her my best friend. She will always be. Anyway, her sister had a procedure done on Thursday and there were some complications. The end result was this coma which is helping her rest. She's been in it since maybe Friday or Saturday and will be in it until at least Wednesday.

I don't know what this all means. I don't understand the medical mumbo jumbo that comes along with it. I just know the words "coma." Those words freak me out.

I found out about things on Saturday. Allen and I are going through some changes with our phone provider so I don't have a smart phone right now and am unable to keep up as much with things. I got a phone call on my "dumb" phone late Saturday night and found out.

I had been thinking of calling Stephanie on Saturday to check in but then decided against it because I thought she may need another day or two to heal before having calls. I had even initially planned to go down Saturday to see her but then thought she wouldn't be ready for visitors. I never did either.

And then I got the phone call.

My first reaction was that anger. Anger at God. But then that anger turned full force on myself.

I made a promise to Jennifer after she died. I promised I'd look after her family. And look at me. I'm like 60 miles away while her parents are going through the second hardest time of their life.

I should be there.

I'm a crappy person. I'm a crappy friend. I'm a crappy Christian. And I broke a promise.

If I can't be there in person, I should at least be on my knees praying, praying hard, praying like it's the only thing in this world that I want from God. But I can't even do that either. I'm too mad at Him.

Why would God throw something like this at a family who's already been through everything? Why would He? I just don't understand it.

I bet God would like to reach down and slap me right now. If I wasn't such a sissy, I'd slap myself.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I know that eventually, the anger will subside. But right now, I'm really worried and scared and I want to push someone down in a mud puddle.

Please pray for Stephanie and her family. And eventually, I know I will join you.