Burnt out

I've felt rather blah the last day or so. I don't know what it is but I get like this sometimes. I just have days where I'm down and I have no idea why. I just want to crawl in bed and sleep until I feel chipper again.

Work has been getting to me lately. I'm just not feeling it anymore. I'm tired of writing and interviewing. My brain is exhausted from thinking of new ways to write the same things over and over and over again. I have no motivation to do stories anymore and it's getting harder and harder for me to proficiently produce 10 or more stories every week. I just want to be home with my family.

This newspaper thing can be awesome. I get to do some pretty cool stuff. I enjoy having something different to do everyday. But it can suck too. There's stuff going on at night, on weekends and in between and many times people call and tell me about them at the last minute and I have to drop my life and do it. It used to irritate me but now it pisses me off. I have a family and I don't want to give up my family nights and weekends to cover stuff, especially at the last minute. I'm thankful that even though I work nights and weekends some, I can make up for it by taking off during the day but it just doesn't feel the same.

I guess I'm burnt out.

It's hard to believe doing this newspaper thing for 9 years now. Some days, I can see myself doing this forever and others, I can't see me doing it for another year. Who knows what will happen in the end but what in the world would I do if I wasn't writing for a newspaper?

Big boy stuff

Well, my little man is feeling better, so much so that he decided that while he was sick, he'd start walking! My life will never be the same!

He's not completely walking around yet but he's taking steps. It all happened suddenly too!

He's been taking a step here and there but couldn't do more than one step. This past weekend we went to Bethel because I had family down from out of state and we wanted to see them and they wanted to see Corbin (not me and Allen, just Corbin). So when I got to my grandma's house, my cousin from Maryland was there and doing her baby talk to Corbin. He was being all shy and hiding in my shoulder so I took him in and put him down on the floor, standing up at the coffee table. He did not like that and wanted to be held so he turned around and took like 5 steps to me and lifted his arms up to me! I almost passed out! From there it was on. He walked like that all weekend, a few times running 4-5 steps. He's hobbled across a room a time or two as well. So, it's official, my big boy is walking!

In the midst of everything, he's also gotten a tiny little tooth. He loves that little tooth and he likes to bite with it! That little sucker can bite and it hurts!

See how fast stuff happens with little people? In a week or two, he's started walking and gotten a tooth! But I'm SO thankful he feels better. I hated that he was sick.

I'm a proud momma. Corbin has been such a blessing in my life. I'm not sure why I waited so long to do this momma thing.

Sick baby

My little man has been sick. It's been over a week now and it's so hard to watch him be sick and not be able to do anything.

Right now, my whole family is sick. We are all dealing with the weather changing. I love, love, love the pretty weather but the pollen this year is horrible! We are all fighting allergies!

Corbin has been sneezing, coughing and dealing with a runny nose and he's so pitiful. The doctor is pretty sure it's allergies so all we can do right now is give him medicine but he's so little that he really can't take a whole lot of meds. The first few days of the medicine, he took lots of naps because it made him sleepy. But the last few days, he's been wide open. I think he finally feels better and I hope he's getting better. I definitely hate seeing him sick. But he's a tough little guy and he's done pretty good. It's hard being a working mom and not being able to be there when your kid is sick. Allen was home so that was good but poor Corbin didn't want his daddy. He wanted his mommy. And who could blame him? I am a much better cuddler than Allen!

The last few days, Corbin has woken up with one of his eyes stuck shut by all the gook. It's horrible! It's looking like we may have to go back to the doctor since he's just not getting better but we'll give it a few more days since he's acting like he actually feels better.

Pretty weather is coming!

Having a little boy is exhausting! I wonder if having a little girl is a little calmer?

I love having a little boy, don't get me wrong, but man, he is a handful! He's always into something! This new crawling thing is wearing me out! Corbin is always on the go. I dread the day that boy walks! Then I'll really be wore out.

The past few weeks have brought about some really beautiful days. We've tried to take advantage of those days. The great thing about my job is that I don't have a set schedule. I don't work 8-5 every, single day. Some days I go in at 8, some 10 and I get off depending on what I have going on. So if it's a pretty day and Allen and Corbin are around, I can sneak away for a 2-hour lunch and we can go to the park! That's what we've done several days over the past few weeks.

It's also nice that Allen is only working part-time at the moment. He gets to stay home with Corbin and spend time with him but he can also bring him to visit me when it's nice out.

One day, we went on a picnic. Allen cooked us a nice lunch, we spread out a blanket (actually it was a rug!) and had lunch at the park. Corbin wasn't really that interested in the whole sitting still and eating thing, though he did sit and eat by himself for a while. Then he started throwing food everywhere. But nonetheless, it was a great day.

I love things like that. I love just hanging out at the park with Allen and Corbin. They played some and I watched, then we all played some and then we went on a walk. The park has a trail and since I'm trying to get back in shape and get healthier, they help motivate me to walk. I've done pretty good so far and though I haven't walked everyday, I've walked on most of the pretty days.

Corbin really likes to be outside which is great for Allen because he does too. It's great for me too because when Corbin is bigger, he can go outside with Allen and I can stay inside and rest!

I'm so excited about this Spring and Summer. We have so much we hope to do with Corbin this year. We want to take him to the beach and the zoo. And who knows what else. But those are the first two anyway. We also hope to get some stuff done on the outside of our house. That's exciting to me!

The pretty days and the long walks and outside time have really made me feel better. They've put a smile on my face. I just feel like I have more energy.

I hope I can stick to it. I want to be healthier and happier. Hopefully, I am off to a good start!

5 years

Monday, March 12 will be 5 years since Jennifer died. It still seems like yesterday.

I had to actually remind myself this year of the date. Typically, I take that day off work but I just sit around and mope all day so this year, I decided that I would try to work. This year will be hard. Monday is when she actually passed away. I guess I've tried not to dwell on it as much, which means maybe I'm slowly moving on. But I can still remember that night very clearly.

I had covered a Spring Hope board meeting and had gotten home late that night. It wasn't long after I received the phone call. I remember the night like it was yesterday, not 5 years ago. And each time I remember it, my heart aches. I remember the feeling and though I don't remember how I got there, I remember being with her family that night and staying until the early hours the next morning. Again, I don't remember how I got there, but I found myself at work bright and early the next morning. It was Tuesday and I had to get a newspaper out. Allen sat with me at my desk the whole time, holding me when I needed it and leaving me alone when I needed that too. I would cry for a few minutes and then work on a page. My boss was in the hospital and it was my first time putting out the paper by myself so I had to be there. I got it done but I don't know how.

It's been five years yet I still feel this tremendous sense of loss. I lost my best friend in the whole world and in a sense, she was my only friend. I don't expect to ever fill that void though I have reached out and tried to make some new friends. That kind of thing never came easy to me. For Jennifer, though, it did. She could make a friend just standing in line at the grocery store. That used to irritate me at times, like when we had to run in somewhere quick and decided to start up a conversation with a pure stranger. Now, that's one of the things I miss most about her.

I keep hearing time will make the pain go away and though the pain isn't as strong, it's still there. I still cry when I talk about it. I'm crying as I right this column, wondering if that part will ever go away?

What makes this year even harder is that her husband and his new wife just had a baby. I've mentioned in previous blogs that I hate her husband. I'll never be able to look at him again without feeling disgust. His actions after her death disappointed me. But getting over that whole thing is something I've had to do for myself. Now, I just dislike him and I doubt we'll ever speak again. Her other friends and even her family continue to talk to him and have a relationship with him but not me. I will not do it, not now and not ever. That may make me a bad person but I don't care. I've done as much as I could as far as forgiving him is concerned. And while I won't go as far to say I'm happy for him and his wife on the birth of their new baby, I will say that I'm happy he didn't spend his years like I have, mourning and crying constantly over the loss. But I will add that I expected him to at least take a few weeks to cry over his dead wife. I think she at least deserved that.

Jennifer was a special person. I know that God took her for a reason. I don't know nor understand the reason but maybe one day, God will enlighten me.

If things were different and Jennifer were here, I imagine us getting together for cookouts, just like we did before she died. I imagine our kids playing with each other. I imagine us sharing in our frustrations over fixing our houses up. We both had older, fixer uppers and were trying to fix them up. I imagine Jennifer would have eventually got me on a horse, despite the fact I am terrified of them. I imagine my marriage would have been different, better, because that pain of losing her wouldn't have pushed me away from my husband. I imagine I would have been able to turn to her when I had doubts about my marriage and would still be able to turn to her today, as I continue to fight to make things work. She used to tell me that I was a strong person because to her, I had been through a lot and always persevered. There have been many times in my life since she died that I've needed to hear those words again. I need to hear them now.

I imagine Monday will be a hard day. Not even the hectic stuff at work will prevent me from remembering. But I know I'll get through the day and get own with the rest of my week. I know that's what Jennifer would want me to do.

Debt is not fun

In another month, Allen and I will pay off two more debts that we have, bringing the total to 5 things we have paid off since Corbin was born.

Four of those things were credit cards.

Allen and I have made a lot of bad financial decisions since we have been married. We had our excuses and reasons but ultimately, the reasons are dumb.

As I've mentioned before, Allen has had issues with keeping a job, pretty much since we got married. Most of the jobs he's had has resulted in being laid off. He's the last one that was hired so he's the first one to go. That's just the way things are in the fields he's worked in. But nonetheless, it's left me trying to support us and well, I work for a newspaper. It hasn't been easy.

To survive in the early years, I got credit cards. That's how we survived. Eventually they became maxed out and then, we began paying the minimum payments on all of them. I kept telling myself, well Allen will find another job and we'll pay it off and it'll be okay. But the cycle continued over and over again and before we knew it, we had too many credit cards and we couldn't afford to pay them back. It's been a nightmare really but it has taught both of us a very important lesson. Credit cards are evil!

Last year, we decided we were tired of debt. We would rather not have anything than to live where every paycheck goes towards paying a stupid credit card whose balance really doesn't go anywhere unless you pay significantly more than the minimum. We started listening to Dave Ramsey and thought we aren't doing his program, we have been taking his advice.

When Corbin was born we did something that could be considered dumb; we bought a van. We had to finance it of course, but after months and months of looking for something in our price range with no luck, we felt almost forced into doing it. I don't regret buying the van, but it's another debt we've taken on and we've never bought a new car before. We always bought used cars and for the most part, paid cash.

Buying the van, plus taking on the expenses of a new baby, have been very overwhelming. For the most part, I am still the main breadwinner in the family. Allen is working part-time and he's doing some odd jobs. His main job, we agreed, for now would be to stay at home with Corbin. It was important for us to not put him in daycare so we've made sacrifices to keep one of us home with him.

Anyway, somehow, even with all the extra expenses we've taken on, plus the giant chunk I lost out of my paycheck because of Corbin's health insurance, we've managed to work our butts off and pay off 4 credit cards and one private loan. Actually, we still have one more big payment on one credit card and one big payment on the private loan so it's not gone yet. But by the end of March, it will be. Until then, we've still paid off 3 things.

I find that pretty exciting!!!

I wish I could say that's the end but even after this, we still have 3 more credit cards and school loans to deal with. But we're going to keep trucking!

I'm not sure how we've done it. We've been fortunate that the credit card companies have somewhat worked with us to get things paid off but the bottom line of our finances is, we have more going out than coming in (that's usually the case anyway isn't it?).

We've had to skip paying other things to do this. It's not been easy. But it's important so we've done what was necessary to make it work. We've sold stuff, Allen's worked a ton of extra jobs for side money and we've done what we had to do to make it happen. And for once in my life, I stopped worrying about money and put it in God's hands. That seemed to be a smart move because look at us now!

The light at the end of the tunnel still seems far away. We still have a lot of debt but compared to others, maybe it's not so bad, especially when you include our house with our debt. We don't have a fancy, $100,000 or more house. We have a really cheap, fixer upper house. All the work that we are doing, the money is coming from our pockets. That's why it is taking so long! But in the end, we'll have a $100,000 house, hopefully more than that, with only like a $50,000 loan. And that is something that one day, we could pay off too, once we take care of everything else. How awesome is that?

Allen and I have learned a lot of lessons through our financial struggles. We've learned that no matter how bad things are, you can live within your means and be fine. We had to eat a lot of peanut butter sandwiches and turn a lot of invitations to go out to dinner down but we've managed. And the few times we couldn't get through, we've never had to worry because we have a great family that was always there to help.

Even with Allen's business, he's went into it with a determination that he will not get any loans to make this happen. We're doing it out of our pocket at first and then using the income he makes from classes to move forward.

We've truly been blessed. I look back at things and wonder how in the world we survived. But God has always provided for us and I know He will always continue to do so.

Up and running!

Well I suppose it's safe to safe Nashville Academy of Martial Arts is up and running!

Allen had a demonstration on Saturday at the church we are having it at. The demo was during the Upwards Basketball Awards Ceremony. He did really good. He did a weapons demonstration and I was rather impressed.

I think we got a good response and Allen seemed pretty content with everything. Tonight, there's an informational meeting for people to come out and ask questions if they have any. I wonder if anyone will show up. I hope so. But nonetheless, we should be rolling in another week or two.

It's exciting, yet scary at the same time.

Our goal with this is to give it a try, probably holding classes just once a week for 3 months, then both Allen and the church will evaluate and see how things are going. Hopefully, more classes can be held. Our goal is that at the end of the year, we'll have the finances to move forward with getting a building here in Nashville. However, it all depends on how the next few months go.

We don't want to jump into a building and then not be able to afford it. Our plan is for Allen to basically work for free for a bit so that we can build up the business account. We may end up working it out where he can get a really tiny paycheck but we're going into this thinking there will be no paycheck. That way, we won't be disappointed and can get some money built up to work towards our goal of having our own space.

So, to do that, Allen is going to keep working part-time at the paper and he'll probably continue to do some odd jobs here and there to help us stay afloat.

We really are exciting about things. I am super happy for Allen, I really am. He really has worked hard on this and he's been VERY patient, waiting for things to happen as God wants them too. A year ago, we were ready to get started but God had other plans, plans that we needed to include Him. It took a while for Allen to figure out what was missing but I'm proud that he listened when God spoke and that he found a way to turn this into a ministry. Now, let's see where it goes!