Life changing

Corbin is now 4 weeks old and what a 4 weeks it has been. Babies sure do change your life. Nothing anyone told me can really, truly describe just how much your life will change when a baby enters it.

I'm slowly adjusting to this new life but it's been hard. I went from not really liking babies to having one in my life 24/7. I've had to get used to a lot of things and I'm slowly learning how to take care of this little being. It's been overwhelming at times, so much so that I find myself holding him and just crying with him because I don't know what to do when he's throwing a fit.

But even more overwhelming is the love I have for this little boy. I knew when he was inside me that I loved him but now that he's here, I feel this super strong love that I can't even describe. It's almost overwhelming it's so strong. I am constantly terrified that something is going to happen to him, that God will decide to take him from us. I would rather die myself than have to experience losing this child. I hope God lets me keep him for a long, long time.

This baby has also made me fall in love all over again with Allen. I can't even explain it but it's true. Maybe it's how supportive and awesome he was in the hospital or maybe it's how great he's been helping me get back on my feet but whatever it is, I am so thankful to have him in my life. We made something pretty dag-on wonderful and we are so blessed.

Things are overwhelming now but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Getting back to normal

Ok, so we've had little Corbin in our lives for almost 3 weeks now and it's been a life changing 3 weeks. The first week was pretty stressful. We were all adjusting to our new roles and I was recovering from the c-section so I could hardly do anything at all. I couldn't take care of my baby and that was hard to accept. On top of that, I have been unable to breastfeed and that's been disheartening as well.

I’ve never really been around babies so they are foreign to me.When Corbin cried and cried and cried those first nights, I had no idea what to do and it just freaked me out. Even though I’ve had 9 months to prepare for this, you are never truly prepared for life with a newborn.

So I had some struggles that put me in a little bit of a funk the first week. I felt helpless. I felt myself falling into a bit of postpartum depression but thankfully, I have a good support system and I was able to get through it and was for the most part back to normal by week 2.

Thank God for Allen. He’s been amazing through all of this. He’s somehow managed to take care of both of us and survive. I know he’s exhausted and this whole experience has truly made me realize how blessed I am. Corbin has made me fall in love with my husband all over again. I love to see Allen with Corbin. He looks at that little boy like he’s the most amazing thing.

We are finally adjusting and things are returning somewhat to normal. Corbin is starting to sleep more and we’re learning what he wants when he wants it.

I’m still dealing with an infection in my c-section. After everything else, I have to deal with this and it’s really annoying. I have to go to the doctor every other day and each time I go, I end up leaving in extreme pain and I stay in pain for at least a full day. It seems as if I still have a ways to go before I’m healed too.

We’ve discussed whether we want to have another kid after everything I’ve had to go through. Sometimes we say no but when I look at my little boy’s face, I know I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.

Csections

So, in the end of this long journey, Corbin Nicholas Clark was born via a csection. After pushing and trying for him to come out naturally for what felt like days, I was pretty upset about having a csection. Though they are quick and the actual procedure isn't all that painful, you can't hold your child after he is born for a while. And the recovery period is longer. My recovery period has been hell.

The first few days, I couldn't even get out of bed without Allen's help. I couldn't go to the bathroom without Allen's help. I hurt so bad I just wanted to lay in bed and never get up. I was upset I couldn't take care of the child I had just carried for 9 months and even more upset that all the responsibility of taking care of both me and Corbin fell on my husband. That's a lot for anyone. I felt pretty helpless.

Now, 2 weeks after delivery, I discovered a hard knot around my csection incision. So I go to the doctor and find out I have an infection. It hurts and what they are doing to me to heal the infection hurts worse. I'm angry. I've been through enough pain and suffering. Seriously. Do I look like I want some more?

So how did I get an infection? I don't know. But I do know that it sucks and I'm ready for this whole recovery period to be over. I'm tired of being in pain and tired of not being able to 100% take care of my child.

New arrival

So, it's been a while since I've written on here. I've been a little busy, you know with giving birth and getting used to my new life with a newborn.

Yep, I had little Corbin. He came early, as I was kind of thinking he would. It was a pretty dramatic arrival too. He was born on Monday, May 30 at 7:25 p.m. but he started coming on Saturday, May 28. On that day, Allen and I bought a new minivan. Well it's not new but a 2005 but nonetheless it's new to us. We love it and apparently, bought it just in time. That afternoon we went to a movie with my dad. Nothing really was out of the ordinary to make me think I'd go into labor several hours later. Around 11 or 12 midnight, I started having contractions. I tried to time them and all that good stuff and finally around 3 a.m., we decided to head to the emergency room. When we got there, they said I wasn't dilated enough so after around 2 hours, they sent me home. Later that evening, which was Sunday, the contractions got worse so Allen insisted we go back. He got a little ugly with the doctor so they gave me some drugs this time around. And after a little morphine, they sent me home again, saying I still wasn't dilated enough to do anything. Basically, just deal with the horrible contractions and come back when the baby's head is sticking out of your you-know-what.

So, the contractions subsided for maybe an hour and then they came back. We got home around 8:30 on Sunday night. Around 11:30, as I was trying to make my way to the bathroom, my water broke, so off to the hospital we went, again. This time they kept me.

They had to induce me some so I would dilate faster but I still didn't dilate enough the full way until around 2:30 or 3:30 p.m. on Monday. From then on, it was hell, pure hell, let me tell you.

I have never been in so much pain in all my life. I thought I was going to die. I had been through 30 hours of labor already and I was so tired. I hadn't eaten anything and they wouldn't let me eat anything but stinking ice chips. But finally, we were ready to start pushing. I pushed and I pushed and I pushed and I pushed. Corbin tried to come out naturally but after hours of pushing, he got stuck and I had to have a c-section.

C-sections suck. I hate them. Though they are quick and easy, the recovery process is awful. But Corbin finally arrived.

There's so much to tell but I have a newborn that's screaming at me so I can't really tell you much else right now. Hopefully I can get back into the blog writing thing soon and update you on the last 2 weeks.

But Corbin is here and he's a happy, healthy little boy. I couldn't be more proud. I'm in love with this little boy, even when he cries and screams and throws temper tantrums.