Moms

It's strange but since I had Corbin I've really felt the loss of not having a mother.

All these years, I never really ached for a mother before. I mean, sure as a kid, I wanted a mom but I had a lot of filler moms who were there for me. But now that I'm an adult, it's different.

There are so many things that go on in my life now as a mother myself that I don't know how to cope with. When Corbin is sick, I want to freak out and I have a need to call someone, like a mother, to tell me that I don't need to rush him to the doctor. I have the same urge when he does something hilarious or psychotic. But I don't have anyone.

It sucks.

I mean, if you have a mother, I imagine when you have a kid, pr even if you don't have a kid, she would call you at least once a week to check in, see how you are, how the baby is and all that motherly stuff. I don't have that.

There are people in my life that would be appalled at me saying this because they probably have no clue I feel this way and they probably would cuss me out and say I'm full of crap. But I'm not.

I know I'm blessed. I have people that helped raise me and be there for me as mothers during special times, like my prom and my wedding and all that. But as an adult and with Corbin, I feel very alone. Sometimes, I don't know what to do with a kid and it freaks me out. And sometimes I wish I had a mom to talk to about it, to help me realize that these feelings are normal and that I'm not screwing my kid up.

I guess I could pick up the phone and call a filler mom but I don't. But no one calls me either. And even if they did, it's not the same. They aren't my mother. When it comes down to it, they have their own families, their own kids to deal with.

I thought letting my mom in my life would change that but it didn't. She just hurt me and left me again. My mother-in-law is definitely not very helpful. In fact, she is the opposite. She makes me feel like the scum of the earth, like the worst mother that ever walked the earth. She ruined my birth experience by saying things to me right after Corbin was born that were inappropriate and I finally spoke up and stood up for myself and she didn't like that. When you are already going through postpartum depression and then have to deal with ugly things like that, it doesn't help. The first few days of Corbin being on this earth were horrible because of her. I couldn't even hold the child without crying because of the things she said to me.

I always dreamed of marrying a man whose mother would take me in as her own, a person I could confide in and talk to like she was my own mother. But unfortunately, that did not happen. I am thankful that my family has done that with Allen because if both of our families were like that, it would suck.

I've always learned to deal with things on my own. I've never needed a mother and I've been just fine. I've somehow learned to cope and though I've made a lot of dumb mistakes and maybe I'm a little crazy, I turned out okay. But for some reason, having a child of my own makes me really yearn for those mother/daughter talks.

I've tried to find that comfort in my dad but he's a dude and well dudes don't talk about mushy things. My dad and I have a different relationship than most daughters have with their dads but we still aren't really at the level of having intimate, heart-to-heart talks. He's gotten a little better since Corbin was born but he'll never be that motherly-type.

Doctors

I have a fear of getting sick, not like getting a cold but like getting some terminal thing. I'm sure it's an unnecessary fear but it's a fear nonetheless.

I dislike doctors. I am not a touchy, feely person and I definitely don't like strangers poking and prodding me. The whole pregnancy thing was traumatic for me because I had a thousand doctor's appointments and I was poked and prodded a lot. Then the actual birth was, well you know, you're giving birth and it's very personal and private. So, unless I am pregnant, I do not do doctors. If I am sick, I take over the counter stuff and deal with it. But lately, there's been some other things going on and I'm afraid I'm going to have to do the whole doctor thing. Yuck.

I fell down in like October, November of last year. I fell right on my side. It was raining and I was at a fundraiser thing for my BPW group. I went outside to get my camera to take pictures for the paper and as I walked outside, the sidewalk was slippery and I fell. I jumped right up because I didn't want anyone to see me but it hurt! I thought I had just bruised my leg but a few days later, my hip started hurting. Now, like 6 months later, my hip is killing me. I can barely walk sometimes and at night, it kills me to lay on it. I think it's been long enough that if it were bruised or something in the fall, it would have healed so I'm afraid something is wrong.

The worse it gets, the more my mind wanders and starts fearing the worst. I keep thinking, what if it's cancer or something? See, I'm crazy like that. But not crazy enough to go to the doctor.

For over a year, I've been dealing with aching feet. It's both of my feet and it only hurts really late at night or early in the morning. But sometimes it's so bad, I can't walk. When I got pregnant, it went away but after Corbin was born it came back. I've been debating going to do the doctor for that too. But, I keep thinking the doctor will tell me I'm a fat cow and that of course my feet are going to hurt carrying my big, fat tail around all day. So I haven't went yet.

Now, of course, I have two issues, the hip and the feet, so at least if I go to the doctor I can get a two-for-one deal.

Corbin is almost a year old and that means it's time to start thinking about more children but obviously if I'm hurting this bad, I have to get that taken care of before I have any more kids.

Speaking of kids, I was ready for more as soon as Corbin popped out. It's funny, I used to dislike children and didn't want any, ever, and now, I want like 3 kids. Allen is the opposite. He wanted several and now that he has Corbin, he's okay with just Corbin. But he changes his mind a lot. When Corbin is good, he wants more and when Corbin is bad, he doesn't want anymore!

So, I'm at the point where Corbin is almost a year old and I feel it's time to have some more. But then I remember my whole fear of doctors touching me and I change my mind. I could seriously be bipolar. Or just plain crazy. But I'm definitely not going to the doctor to find that out!

A nothing done weekend

This past weekend, Allen and I had a list of things we wanted to get accomplished. We were actually home this weekend which is, in a way, miraculous. We haven't been home in weeks. We seem to spend a lot of our time (too much I think) in Bethel so it was nice to stay home for a change.

Getting our grass cut was one or major things we needed to get done. Our backyard was up to our knees! We have two riding mowers, both of which do not work. I have been kind of stubborn about putting anymore money into fixing them so we borrowed Allen's dad's lawnmower. We had kept the front of our yard mowed with a push mower but we have 1.5 acres of land and you just can't cut that with a push mower. I started cutting grass Friday after work. I got up Saturday to do some more and then I had to work. After work, we had other things to do and when it was time to get back to cutting, it started raining and it never stopped! It rained Saturday night and all day Sunday. I got a big chunk of the back done but we still have a lot of grass to cut.

Another thing we were trying to do was get a chicken coop built. Our chickens are growing and are still in a kennel in my living room! Allen didn't even get started on the chicken coop so the chickens are still chirping away in my living room.

We also had some remodeling work we had planned to do. We still have a ways to go before our house is finished but since the weather is nicer we are hoping to paint the outside this year and get our yard landscaped and all that fun stuff. So we had hoped to get 2 windows put in and get our yard cleaned up. Allen wants to cut down pretty much everything but the really old Oak trees in our yard so we have a lot of work to do in the yard department. Nothing was done on that front this weekend either.

The only thing we really accomplished, other than cutting some grass, was cleaning up. Our house needed a good Spring cleaning and though we can't really clean our house good since it's under construction, we can still keep it presentable. We got some stuff put away and got caught up on our chores. But that's the only thing we really accomplished.

Corbin has not been feeling well the past few days and it makes it difficult to get anything done. He's had a slight temperature all weekend and you can tell he felt bad. He was very needy and clingy so he was one of the reasons we didnt get much done. But the rain certainly didn't help either.

We are hoping to be home again this weekend (TWO in a row WOW) so are planning to try again. Hopefully, this time around we can get more done.

Chicken farm

Well, we got us some chickens! Real, live, stinky chickens.

Allen has been talking about getting chickens for a while now. He wants to do the whole raising chickens for their eggs thing. It has been discussed to also eat these chickens but I quickly put my foot down on that idea. There is no way I'm eating a chicken I raise myself. I just couldn't do it.

I've tried to delay our little chicken farm for as long as I could. We have too much other stuff going on right now to be raising chickens. Our house remains under construction and that in itself is enough to keep Allen busy forever. But I could not delay much longer. Last Friday, I was out sick and Allen stopped by a place that sells chickens when he got off work from his part-time job. When he came home, he told me that he had looked at some chickens and wanted to get some on Monday. These chickens, he said, were "fancy" chickens and they would be good for Corbin. I suppose he thought adding in the whole idea that these would be Corbin's chickens would convince me that we would get them. It did.

So all weekend, I pondered what we were going to do with chickens, since we don't have a chicken coop yet. That is on Allen's list of things to do. But on Monday, Allen and I, and Corbin, went to the little store and got two chickens, a boy and a girl. Allen took them home, put them in a box and put the box in a dog kennel. All week the dog kennel, and the chickens, have been in my living room. And in case you are wondering, chickens do not smell pleasant. Allen claims he is building a chicken coop this weekend and the chickens will not be inside anymore.

The chickens are quite little things. They are yellow and when they get big, they'll be white with feathers on their feet. These "fancy" chickens are sort of like show chickens, at least that's what Allen said and though they will produce eggs, they aren't as big as other chickens eggs. I'm not sure what that means really but I think it's Allen telling me that more not-so-fancy chickens are in our near future.

Now, I'm a country girl and having some farm animals doesn't bother me. But we have 3 inside cats, 2 dogs and then one mean outside cat. The chickens have survived inside with our animals. The cats are too lazy to mess with any type of food that moves. And any interest the cats initially had went away when Abby, my dog, decided that the chickens were hers and it was her job to protect them. So even when the cats tried to come near, Abby would push them away. Our outside cat is a different story. He is a giant, man kitty. He eats things bigger than himself. My dogs, who are pit bulls, are terrified of him. So I can't imagine chickens will survive in our yard, even in a chicken coop. I am willing to bet this cat will find his way into our chicken coop, once Allen builds it. That will be pretty devastating.

But anyway, the chickens are just the start to our little farm. Allen also wants some ducks and a turkey and I myself, want a rabbit and a pig. And there's no telling what Corbin will want once he's bigger but I can guarantee he'll probably get it!

One step forward, ten steps back

Well, just when we think things are moving forward with Allen's karate classes, something seems to delay the start date.

I'm starting to wonder if this is ever going to really happen. But, in the meantime, we are definitely learning a thing or two about patience.

We were working with a church in Nashville to get things going. Allen had approached the preacher there to get some spiritual guidance on how to make his business a ministry and include devotions and stuff in his classes. Through discussions on that, the church asked us to have classes at the church, which sounded awesome since we were still looking at places to do the classes. It was a win-win for everyone! But, those talks started like 6 months ago and here we are, still waiting. There's a lot of things involved when you work with an organization that's run by a lot of people. So, here we are, still waiting for the church to tell us we can get started.

Allen has been pretty accomodating, doing whatever they ask of him and he's been willing to compromise but the timeline is getting frustrating for him. We had this big demo in March to get interest. We've got the interest and now we get asked weekly when are we getting started and we don't know what to tell them. Soon, we'll probably lose these kids to something else because it's taking so long for us to get off the ground.

It's hard seeing Allen so excited about this and then seeing the disappointment each week he comes from yet another meeting with no information. I don't know what to tell him. This week, he came home and I could tell the meeting didn't go well and that he still had no date and he was probably given a new set of hoops to jump through. And I was right. All I knew to tell him was that God gave him the vision to do this and that God would make it happen when the time is right. In the meantime, I told him he needed to get back on his knees and pray about it, because it's during times that we doubt that we need to talk to God. It's funny that I gave him that advice when I don't even do it myself. But that's something, I too, need to try and change.

Anyway, we've been working on this business over a year now. We've done everything as good as we know how but it still does not seem to want to get going. It just feels like for every step we take forward, we take a dozen or so backwards.

Scholarship success

So, this past weekend was our annual yard sale for Jennifer's scholarship. We do two fundraisers every year to raise money for the scholarship. One is a yard sale and the other is a chicken sale. I used to handle all the fundraisers and over time, Jennifer's mom has stepped up and decided to handle the yard sale. I am definitely ok with that.

Anyway, I have been sick the past week and on Saturday, I felt like crap and Allen, who is a major helper during these things, was also sick. So he didn't go at all. And I ended up going back and forth, just checking on things but I wasn't able to help much.

The yard sale was still a success though! We made over $4,000!! FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS!! From a stinking yard sale!! Who would have thought.

I am so excited about how this scholarship has evolved. Things are really going well and I am just so overwhelmed with emotions about the whole thing. People have been so generous and giving. And as for the ECU folks who thought I was crazy when I told them that I was going to fund raise and make this happen, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA who's laughing now?!?!

As the day ended on Saturday, I met up with the crew as they were counting the money. When they told me the total, I thought I was going to pass out. I became a little emotional too, partly because of the overwhelming feeling that this scholarship was really happening and partly because Jeff was there with his new wife and baby. I don't talk to Jeff and I do my best to stay away from him. I've written about him in this blog before and I won't do it again but it was really hard to see him with a baby. It should have been Jennifer's baby. And Jennifer and I should be planning baby play dates. But instead, I'm raising money so people won't forget my best friend.

Anway, for the record, Jeff has done very little to help us with our fund raising efforts. He shows up at each event, just long enough to make me all angry and stuff, and then he leaves. But, also for the record, I LOVE Jeff's parents. And so did Jennifer. His parents have been wonderful and they have given A LOT of money for this scholarship.

So, back to happy successful things, Jennifer's scholarship is now at around $18,000. We've raised $18,000 in three years by having yard sales and chicken sales! Unbelievable! We have $7,000 more to go and two years to do it. I know we'll do it and I can't wait for the day someone receives a Jennifer Ragland Evans Music Scholarship.

Secretly, I want to do more than $25,000 but we'll see what happens. I think it would be fun to really shock the folks at ECU and raise more than what is required!!!!

The new blogger=AGHHHH

Ok this new Blogger is not cool. Or maybe it is but I have to relearn everything and I am too old to be learning. GOT IT BLOGGER? GRRR.

So, Corbin is just over a month away from the big FIRST BIRTHDAY!!!!!

How time flies!

It truly does seem like yesterday that I was in the hospital trying my hardest to get that child out of me!

Since I've never had a kid before, this is my first first birthday and I'm already stressed about it. I don't know what to do!

What do you do for a kid's first birthday?? It's a big deal but really, does he even understand it??

Anyway, we've decided to do a pool party for Corbin. My aunt has a nice underground pool and Corbin loves the water. He got his first taste of water of course during bath time but he went swimming for the first time when he was just over a month old, on the Fourth of July. He loves, loves, loves water so we thought he would enjoy being able to go swimming.

But the dilemma remains, how much do we do for his birthday? We have decided on the Elmo theme but it's not like Corbin has a ton of friends so how much Elmo do we do?

Another dilemma is how many parties do we have? We have a complication in that our families don't mesh together well. Actually, Allen's family doesn't mesh together well with anyone. But anyway, that's a whole different blog. So we have to figure out whether to have a party with my family and all our friends together and then do a separate party with Allen's family or just do one party and leave his family out. It's really a lot of trouble to have two parties and it really pisses me off that we can't be like normal families and have one big party. But, I can't handle the stress of Allen's family being around my family. They cause too much drama and I don't feel the need to put my family through it. I already have to deal with it enough on my own.

Anyway, I'm dealing with that issue on top of the usual stress of planning a party. But I'm excited about Corbin's birthday. I'm a little sad too. My little boy is becoming a big boy way too fast.

We have planned to take Corbin to the NC Zoo on his actual birthday. We are going to drive up in the morning and spend the day at the zoo. We may even spend the night but we're still deciding on that. I can't wait to take a trip as a family. I love doing family things!!!

Yay for adoption!

So, my cousin recently shared the news with me that she and her husband have decided to try and adopt a bi-racial child. The child is a special needs child. She has down syndrome and some other things as well but I'm not sure all the details about those.

I love this cousin soooo much. She's like a sister to me and has always been there for me, no matter what. She knows ALL my dirty, little secrets and has seen way more than she probably wanted to of my body (she was in the room with Allen and I when I had Corbin!). She's my motivator and ncourager and I know I can always go to her for anything in this world.

I've always pictured her with a houseful of little kids and not kids that were necessarily her biological ones but a houseful of little adopted kids, kids of every color, gender, etc., etc. She's just that nurturing type of person.

I've prayed for her off and on over the past few years because I know having children is something she wanted so bad and surely, God would give her one day. I mean, he gave me a kid and look at me. But a kid hasn't happened for them yet, at least not the natural way.

I don't know all the details about what they have tried or even if they can have kids and I suppose if I did, I would not share that here because that is a private thing. But I did know she had been trying for a few years now and I never really saw her discouraged. I know she was, who wouldn't be, but she always had a positive attitude. That's what makes her so special.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I picked up the phone to call her and eventually, when we finally had the time to chat, she told me she'd been really busy because she's trying to adopt a kid! I just about passed out!!! Then, I cried but she doesn't know that because I tried to hide it! My tears were purely out of complete and utter happiness for her. I'm not sure but I've become an emotional woman in my old age! I cry over everything!

This little girl is just a few months old. As I said, she's biracial and she has some health problems but I know my cousin can handle the responsibility because she is the most God-fearing, loving, nurturing person I know. And, we have a great family who I know will support her in whatever she needs.

I pray and I pray and I pray that this adoption will come through for her and her husband. They deserve it and I can't think of anyone who would be better parents to this little girl. Please pray with me!