Moms

It's strange but since I had Corbin I've really felt the loss of not having a mother.

All these years, I never really ached for a mother before. I mean, sure as a kid, I wanted a mom but I had a lot of filler moms who were there for me. But now that I'm an adult, it's different.

There are so many things that go on in my life now as a mother myself that I don't know how to cope with. When Corbin is sick, I want to freak out and I have a need to call someone, like a mother, to tell me that I don't need to rush him to the doctor. I have the same urge when he does something hilarious or psychotic. But I don't have anyone.

It sucks.

I mean, if you have a mother, I imagine when you have a kid, pr even if you don't have a kid, she would call you at least once a week to check in, see how you are, how the baby is and all that motherly stuff. I don't have that.

There are people in my life that would be appalled at me saying this because they probably have no clue I feel this way and they probably would cuss me out and say I'm full of crap. But I'm not.

I know I'm blessed. I have people that helped raise me and be there for me as mothers during special times, like my prom and my wedding and all that. But as an adult and with Corbin, I feel very alone. Sometimes, I don't know what to do with a kid and it freaks me out. And sometimes I wish I had a mom to talk to about it, to help me realize that these feelings are normal and that I'm not screwing my kid up.

I guess I could pick up the phone and call a filler mom but I don't. But no one calls me either. And even if they did, it's not the same. They aren't my mother. When it comes down to it, they have their own families, their own kids to deal with.

I thought letting my mom in my life would change that but it didn't. She just hurt me and left me again. My mother-in-law is definitely not very helpful. In fact, she is the opposite. She makes me feel like the scum of the earth, like the worst mother that ever walked the earth. She ruined my birth experience by saying things to me right after Corbin was born that were inappropriate and I finally spoke up and stood up for myself and she didn't like that. When you are already going through postpartum depression and then have to deal with ugly things like that, it doesn't help. The first few days of Corbin being on this earth were horrible because of her. I couldn't even hold the child without crying because of the things she said to me.

I always dreamed of marrying a man whose mother would take me in as her own, a person I could confide in and talk to like she was my own mother. But unfortunately, that did not happen. I am thankful that my family has done that with Allen because if both of our families were like that, it would suck.

I've always learned to deal with things on my own. I've never needed a mother and I've been just fine. I've somehow learned to cope and though I've made a lot of dumb mistakes and maybe I'm a little crazy, I turned out okay. But for some reason, having a child of my own makes me really yearn for those mother/daughter talks.

I've tried to find that comfort in my dad but he's a dude and well dudes don't talk about mushy things. My dad and I have a different relationship than most daughters have with their dads but we still aren't really at the level of having intimate, heart-to-heart talks. He's gotten a little better since Corbin was born but he'll never be that motherly-type.