So Corbin is slowly starting to sleep a little longer during the night. He's actually slept sort of through the night twice now!! And we are two excited parents, I can tell you that!
At 8 weeks old, he is starting to notice stuff and he has just recently started noticing his hands! Now, maybe he can control them a little better and stop hitting me in the face! He's able to hold his head up pretty good now and he can push up with his legs and stand for a bit (while holding him of course). He's already growing so fast!
The best thing ever is when Corbin smiles. I swear Allen and I get teary eyed every time he looks at us and smiles. It's just the most beautiful thing ever. And he's trying to laugh. It's so cute to watch him and I can't wait for the day he finally does it. And yes, I will probably cry.
Speaking of crying, Corbin goes to the doctor in a few weeks and has to get 4-5 shots! The last doctor's appointment he went to, he got one shot and I cried. It broke my heart to see my little boy hurting. I hope I can pull myself together for his next round. I'm not really a crier but I tell you what, having this baby has turned me into a wimp. But maybe, he'll get the shots and as we're both crying, he'll look at me and give me that little crooked smile. Then, at least my crying will be tears of happiness!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
loss
So, I have plenty to say on here, I just don't have the time, or energy, to say it.
Things have been going pretty good at home. Corbin's still growing and he's still as cute as ever. And no, he's still not sleeping through the night but he's getting better. Either that or I'm just getting so used to it, I think it's getting better.
There's been another death in my family. My great aunt passed away. While I'm so sad to see her go, I am so happy to know that she's not suffering anymore. She fought alzheimer's for a while and the last year had been brutal on her. She struggled and suffered a lot. Now, she's in Heaven with her daughter and they are probably having a ball. I now worry about her husband, my great uncle. They had been married 62 years. That's a long time! I know he will miss her and his health is not doing too well either. I worry what her death will do to him. I worry that he may not be far behind her.
It's so sad seeing people you grew up with, and looked up to, getting older and passing away. A lot of my family has passed away over the past few years and its been sad. It makes me think harder about what will happen once they are all gone. I hope the rest of my family continues to stay close.
I worry obsessively about losing my grandma. She's not only my grandmother. She's my mom. She raised me and she's always been there for me. I am so thankful she has gotten to see my little boy and I can only hope she gets to see him grow up. I know she may not see him as an adult but we'll take whatever time we have left and cherish it.
Sometimes, we take people for granted. I know I do.
I don't deal well with sickness and death. I mean, no one does but I do the opposite of what I should do.
While my aunt was sick, I never went out of my way to see her. It's not that I didn't want to. I just couldn't. I couldn't stand to see her the way she was. I was the same way with my Uncle Dean. When he was the in the hospital, I did go sit with him some but I never did anything extra. It was so hard to see them like that, sick and in pain. I know I shouldn't be like that. Now, I regret it because I wasn't there for them like I should have been.
I imagine my grandmother getting sick and me pushing away for the same reasons and then losing her. I would never forgive myself for it. Never. I want to be stronger and I want to be there for the people I love, in sickness and in health. I hope that God gives me the strength and courage to change.
Things have been going pretty good at home. Corbin's still growing and he's still as cute as ever. And no, he's still not sleeping through the night but he's getting better. Either that or I'm just getting so used to it, I think it's getting better.
There's been another death in my family. My great aunt passed away. While I'm so sad to see her go, I am so happy to know that she's not suffering anymore. She fought alzheimer's for a while and the last year had been brutal on her. She struggled and suffered a lot. Now, she's in Heaven with her daughter and they are probably having a ball. I now worry about her husband, my great uncle. They had been married 62 years. That's a long time! I know he will miss her and his health is not doing too well either. I worry what her death will do to him. I worry that he may not be far behind her.
It's so sad seeing people you grew up with, and looked up to, getting older and passing away. A lot of my family has passed away over the past few years and its been sad. It makes me think harder about what will happen once they are all gone. I hope the rest of my family continues to stay close.
I worry obsessively about losing my grandma. She's not only my grandmother. She's my mom. She raised me and she's always been there for me. I am so thankful she has gotten to see my little boy and I can only hope she gets to see him grow up. I know she may not see him as an adult but we'll take whatever time we have left and cherish it.
Sometimes, we take people for granted. I know I do.
I don't deal well with sickness and death. I mean, no one does but I do the opposite of what I should do.
While my aunt was sick, I never went out of my way to see her. It's not that I didn't want to. I just couldn't. I couldn't stand to see her the way she was. I was the same way with my Uncle Dean. When he was the in the hospital, I did go sit with him some but I never did anything extra. It was so hard to see them like that, sick and in pain. I know I shouldn't be like that. Now, I regret it because I wasn't there for them like I should have been.
I imagine my grandmother getting sick and me pushing away for the same reasons and then losing her. I would never forgive myself for it. Never. I want to be stronger and I want to be there for the people I love, in sickness and in health. I hope that God gives me the strength and courage to change.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Infections
So, having a baby was my very first experience with going to the hospital. It was my first surgery too, unless you count a mouth surgery I had when I was younger. So it was a lot of firsts for me and I was really nervous about it.
Having a baby the natural way is a piece of cake compared to the crap I've been through. I mean, the "natural" way, you just pop it out and yeah it hurts during the process and is sore afterwards but then you are all better and go about your life. A c-section however, puts you basically on bedrest for at least a week and takes several weeks to heal.
It's been 7 weeks for me and I'm still not healed. After the first full week at home, I noticed an area around my incision was kind of lumpy and there was stuff oozing from it. I got Allen to look at it and he was concerned so we called the doctor. She said to put a heating pad on it and see if that made it go down any. It didn't so they made an appointment for me to come in.
At the doctor, I discovered I was on the verge of an infection. Had I waited another day or two, it would have been really bad. So, the doctor takes this giant Q-tip and pokes it in my incision, in the area where it was oozing. It basically opened up in a little hole. It HURT really bad! She then cleaned it and put gauze INSIDE of the incision. That hurt too. Then we put gauze outside to cover it up. I had to go every other day to the doctor to have the packing inside changed. I did this for probably 2 weeks. The first week, the discharge was horrible and it would leak right through the outside gauze. It was disgusting. Allen had to change it quite often and it was enough to make you throw up. Luckily, I couldn't really see it so I couldn't get sick.
After four weeks, it had healed enough where they stopped packing it. I was sent home and told I didn't have to come back, except for my 6 week checkup. The hole was about 1.5 inches at that point.
It's been 3 weeks since then and the hole has still not healed. It's about a half inch big now and it's starting to hurt and bleed a little. So now, I'm worried the infection is coming back or the hold isn't healing property. So I have to go to the doctor again and get it checked out.
So for a first time experience, it has not been too great. Of course, the end result was a beautiful baby and that was worth it but this whole experience has been awful and I'm still in a lot of pain. I just want to feel better, to be able to move around and not hurt and to not have a stinking hole in my stomach.
Having a baby the natural way is a piece of cake compared to the crap I've been through. I mean, the "natural" way, you just pop it out and yeah it hurts during the process and is sore afterwards but then you are all better and go about your life. A c-section however, puts you basically on bedrest for at least a week and takes several weeks to heal.
It's been 7 weeks for me and I'm still not healed. After the first full week at home, I noticed an area around my incision was kind of lumpy and there was stuff oozing from it. I got Allen to look at it and he was concerned so we called the doctor. She said to put a heating pad on it and see if that made it go down any. It didn't so they made an appointment for me to come in.
At the doctor, I discovered I was on the verge of an infection. Had I waited another day or two, it would have been really bad. So, the doctor takes this giant Q-tip and pokes it in my incision, in the area where it was oozing. It basically opened up in a little hole. It HURT really bad! She then cleaned it and put gauze INSIDE of the incision. That hurt too. Then we put gauze outside to cover it up. I had to go every other day to the doctor to have the packing inside changed. I did this for probably 2 weeks. The first week, the discharge was horrible and it would leak right through the outside gauze. It was disgusting. Allen had to change it quite often and it was enough to make you throw up. Luckily, I couldn't really see it so I couldn't get sick.
After four weeks, it had healed enough where they stopped packing it. I was sent home and told I didn't have to come back, except for my 6 week checkup. The hole was about 1.5 inches at that point.
It's been 3 weeks since then and the hole has still not healed. It's about a half inch big now and it's starting to hurt and bleed a little. So now, I'm worried the infection is coming back or the hold isn't healing property. So I have to go to the doctor again and get it checked out.
So for a first time experience, it has not been too great. Of course, the end result was a beautiful baby and that was worth it but this whole experience has been awful and I'm still in a lot of pain. I just want to feel better, to be able to move around and not hurt and to not have a stinking hole in my stomach.
Business ventures
So Allen is trying to start a business. It's not an easy thing to do, let me tell you.
We've been working hard on getting his business off the ground for months now, maybe even a year. There's just so much involved, so much that you need.
We wanted to get it going before the baby but that didn't happen so we agreed that after the baby was born, we'd jump back on it and get moving. So, now we're back to full speed at getting things rolling but I'm just not sure how we're going to make it happen.
First of all, you need money to start a business. Allen only works part-time so I am the main breadwinner and it's all I can do to pay our bills and take care of us. There's not really enough left to take on opening a business. I'd say the financial side of this adventure has proven to be the hardest.
We went into this vowing not to get loans to make it happen. That's still our goal but it's becoming very difficult to do.
We know exactly what we want to do with this business. We know how to make it work, we know there's a need, we just need to get it off the ground. It's frustrating.
We have a lot at stake here. We have a baby, a family and it's important that we do this right to make sure it's successful.
I want this to work for Allen because I believe that if you have a dream and you believe in it, you should do it. This is Allen's dream and I want it to be successful for him.
We've been working hard on getting his business off the ground for months now, maybe even a year. There's just so much involved, so much that you need.
We wanted to get it going before the baby but that didn't happen so we agreed that after the baby was born, we'd jump back on it and get moving. So, now we're back to full speed at getting things rolling but I'm just not sure how we're going to make it happen.
First of all, you need money to start a business. Allen only works part-time so I am the main breadwinner and it's all I can do to pay our bills and take care of us. There's not really enough left to take on opening a business. I'd say the financial side of this adventure has proven to be the hardest.
We went into this vowing not to get loans to make it happen. That's still our goal but it's becoming very difficult to do.
We know exactly what we want to do with this business. We know how to make it work, we know there's a need, we just need to get it off the ground. It's frustrating.
We have a lot at stake here. We have a baby, a family and it's important that we do this right to make sure it's successful.
I want this to work for Allen because I believe that if you have a dream and you believe in it, you should do it. This is Allen's dream and I want it to be successful for him.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
A new budget
Babies are expensive little things!
People always say they are expensive but I guess I didn't listen very well. I mean, how much can something so small that only eats one thing cost?!? But it's true, the costs add up to be significant.
I tried to breastfeed Corbin but it just didn't work. I really felt like I would have no trouble and couldn't imagine anything going wrong with that but it did. I was able to do it the first two times in the hospital after he was born but after that, it just didn't work. And once I got home, I did try but I was in so much pain, it was hard to try too much so I gave up and we just decided to buy formula. So there's an extra $100 a month in expenses!
We bought the van for Corbin as well. And yeah, we could have gotten something different and cheaper but we got something that would support our family for many years. But that's an extra expense as well.
And then there's insurance. It's amazing how much insurance is. I had to put Corbin on my insurance at work since Allen is not working. It's super expensive and added a pretty giant increase to our monthly budget so my paychecks have shrunk drastically because of that.
Then there's doctor's expenses and I'm sure other things that I'm leaving out. It gets expensive.
Quite honestly, I don't know how we are going to do it. I can't support us on my paycheck. It's just not going to happen but I'm trying not to stress over it and I'm trying to just do what I can for now. I hope that God will provide us with an opportunity to help us figure things out.
Allen is still trying for his business. We are so ready but financially, it's just not going anywhere. We can't put money out of our pockets into this business right now and we can't, with a clear conscience, go to a bank and get a loan for it either. So we're kind of stuck there. I guess we are waiting on God to help us out there too!
I don't know what to do. I am so happy Corbin gets to stay home with Allen but realistically, we can't survive off my paycheck so we have to do something. I'm just not sure what. And until then, we'll continue to get by the best way we know how to, on a little bit of money and a whole lot of faith!!
People always say they are expensive but I guess I didn't listen very well. I mean, how much can something so small that only eats one thing cost?!? But it's true, the costs add up to be significant.
I tried to breastfeed Corbin but it just didn't work. I really felt like I would have no trouble and couldn't imagine anything going wrong with that but it did. I was able to do it the first two times in the hospital after he was born but after that, it just didn't work. And once I got home, I did try but I was in so much pain, it was hard to try too much so I gave up and we just decided to buy formula. So there's an extra $100 a month in expenses!
We bought the van for Corbin as well. And yeah, we could have gotten something different and cheaper but we got something that would support our family for many years. But that's an extra expense as well.
And then there's insurance. It's amazing how much insurance is. I had to put Corbin on my insurance at work since Allen is not working. It's super expensive and added a pretty giant increase to our monthly budget so my paychecks have shrunk drastically because of that.
Then there's doctor's expenses and I'm sure other things that I'm leaving out. It gets expensive.
Quite honestly, I don't know how we are going to do it. I can't support us on my paycheck. It's just not going to happen but I'm trying not to stress over it and I'm trying to just do what I can for now. I hope that God will provide us with an opportunity to help us figure things out.
Allen is still trying for his business. We are so ready but financially, it's just not going anywhere. We can't put money out of our pockets into this business right now and we can't, with a clear conscience, go to a bank and get a loan for it either. So we're kind of stuck there. I guess we are waiting on God to help us out there too!
I don't know what to do. I am so happy Corbin gets to stay home with Allen but realistically, we can't survive off my paycheck so we have to do something. I'm just not sure what. And until then, we'll continue to get by the best way we know how to, on a little bit of money and a whole lot of faith!!
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
baby noises
Babies are odd little things. They don't really do much. I remember in probably the second week whining about how boring Corbin was. He doesn't do anything exciting I told Allen. He just eats, sleeps and pees and poops. The most I could get out of him was a hilarious facial expressing when he was pooping.
Today, he still doesn't do much but he's starting to come around. He makes funny little noises and he smiles when you least expect it, you know, like when you don't have a camera anywhere nearby.
Corbin could lift his head really early on. He was trying to do it in the hospital and by the time he was a week old, he had conquered the head lifting. He still can't hold it up for too long a period but man, what a strong little boy I have. He's already trying to push himself up. I predict he'll be walking way too early.
Corbin's newest thing is pulling my hair. I used to could get it out of his hands but now, he has too tight a grip and I have to fight with him to let it loose! He's going to be strong and that kind of scares me.
He's also starting to recognize things. He used to only look at lights but now he'll actually look at objects and people. He loves to look at his daddy. He'll just stare at Allen like he's the best thing in the world. That makes me smile.
The funniest thing Corbin does is just flail his arms and legs all over the place. If you lay him down, that's what he does. I'm not sure he knows yet that he controls his arms and legs. Sometimes, he hits himself in the face and then he screams bloody murder, like he thought you did it! Sometimes he'll hit me in the fact and it hurts! It's funny to watch because his arms are really going in every direction, like a crazy person. He looks like he's conducting an orchestra or practicing his karate moves! I wonder when he'll know he has control and I'll be glad when he does so he will stop hitting me in the face.
So that's really all Corbin has done so far. But it's more than he did the first week. He really wasn't exciting that first week but we loved looking at him so much, it didn't matter really that he couldn't do anything.
Today, he still doesn't do much but he's starting to come around. He makes funny little noises and he smiles when you least expect it, you know, like when you don't have a camera anywhere nearby.
Corbin could lift his head really early on. He was trying to do it in the hospital and by the time he was a week old, he had conquered the head lifting. He still can't hold it up for too long a period but man, what a strong little boy I have. He's already trying to push himself up. I predict he'll be walking way too early.
Corbin's newest thing is pulling my hair. I used to could get it out of his hands but now, he has too tight a grip and I have to fight with him to let it loose! He's going to be strong and that kind of scares me.
He's also starting to recognize things. He used to only look at lights but now he'll actually look at objects and people. He loves to look at his daddy. He'll just stare at Allen like he's the best thing in the world. That makes me smile.
The funniest thing Corbin does is just flail his arms and legs all over the place. If you lay him down, that's what he does. I'm not sure he knows yet that he controls his arms and legs. Sometimes, he hits himself in the face and then he screams bloody murder, like he thought you did it! Sometimes he'll hit me in the fact and it hurts! It's funny to watch because his arms are really going in every direction, like a crazy person. He looks like he's conducting an orchestra or practicing his karate moves! I wonder when he'll know he has control and I'll be glad when he does so he will stop hitting me in the face.
So that's really all Corbin has done so far. But it's more than he did the first week. He really wasn't exciting that first week but we loved looking at him so much, it didn't matter really that he couldn't do anything.
Another one?
So, the plan was to have more than one child. Allen and I have discussed having two kids, three at the absolute most. Immediately after Corbin was born, I was like, "Yeah, I'll do it again." But that was when I was still in the hospital bed and hadn't gotten up to walk yet. Once I got out of bed, or the nurses helped me get out of bed, I was like, "NO WAY." But then I got home and got settled and was like, "Ok, I can do this again." But then, I got that infection and was back to the "No way" frame of mind. Then Allen said "NO way." Poor thing. It was a lot of work taking care of both a newborn and myself!
But here we are, 6 weeks later and we are back to "OK, we can do this again, just not right now."
So, we've decided that once Corbin is a year old, we'll discuss it and go from there. I don't know if I could handle 3 kids. That's a lot of kids! Two seems more reasonable. I was an only child growing up so it's important to me for us to have more than one. It's no fun not having any siblings to beat up. I want Corbin to have a younger brother or sister he can push around and protect when need be. I imagine having a girl next. That way Corbin and his daddy can gang up on her boyfriends. Corbin can protect his little sister.
Speaking of two, God knows what he's doing doesn't he? Not that I ever questioned it but I was really hoping for twins with Corbin. I was thinking about the two-for-one deal, having to go through labor once but getting two babies. But I never really thought about having two screaming, hungry newborns at home. SOOOO thank you God for only giving me one right now! You know exactly what I can handle and neither Allen nor I could have handled two at once!
But here we are, 6 weeks later and we are back to "OK, we can do this again, just not right now."
So, we've decided that once Corbin is a year old, we'll discuss it and go from there. I don't know if I could handle 3 kids. That's a lot of kids! Two seems more reasonable. I was an only child growing up so it's important to me for us to have more than one. It's no fun not having any siblings to beat up. I want Corbin to have a younger brother or sister he can push around and protect when need be. I imagine having a girl next. That way Corbin and his daddy can gang up on her boyfriends. Corbin can protect his little sister.
Speaking of two, God knows what he's doing doesn't he? Not that I ever questioned it but I was really hoping for twins with Corbin. I was thinking about the two-for-one deal, having to go through labor once but getting two babies. But I never really thought about having two screaming, hungry newborns at home. SOOOO thank you God for only giving me one right now! You know exactly what I can handle and neither Allen nor I could have handled two at once!
Monday, July 11, 2011
Back to normal, sort of
Well, this week will be the week we see what I am made of. Can I handle the daily demands of a reporter AND a mother? It'll probably take some time but I'm hoping that in time, we will adjust and return to our new normal. The new normal I am talking about is learning how to live off of Corbin's sleep schedule and learning how to be a family.
It's been a rough six weeks. My sleep schedule has been turned upside down and my priorities in life are way different then they used to be. It's been an interesting ride, a good ride but a hard one. I know it'll take some time to adjust but I'm thankful for my new life as a mom.
Another thing we'll have to try to work out is taking time for each other. Right now, we take Corbin in shifts at night, or at least we try. So, if I'm sleeping, Allen is awake. This makes for very little snuggle time and I miss that. Allen and I are giving all our attention and love to Corbin and we are so tired, there's very little attention left to give to each other. But hopefully that will change in time. Allen is still number one in my life. He always will be. That's the way God wants it to be!
Speaking of God, Corbin was dedicated this past Sunday. Allen and I made the decision weeks ago and knew it was something we wanted to do. It's something we both take seriously. It's going to be a challenge but we truly want to be better people and to raise our son in a loving, nurturing and more importantly, Christian home. That's really what a dedication is, promising that you will teach your child about God and raise him in a Christian home. We will for sure have some obstacles but hopefully we will get through them and come out even stronger. Corbin has a Godmother that will definitely make sure we do a good job! That's why we chose her!
As for the whole infection thing, I'm still, YES STILL, healing. I will be very happy when this whole ordeal is behind me. The good news is, the hole in my incision is now about a half inch wide so it is getting smaller and supposedly I will be good as new in no time. I'll be glad too because I haven't been able to take a bath since I had Corbin. I've had to stick to showers and I do not like that! My body is sore and needs to soak so as soon as this thing heals, I'm taking me a nice, long bath and bringing a nice, long book with me!
It's been a rough six weeks. My sleep schedule has been turned upside down and my priorities in life are way different then they used to be. It's been an interesting ride, a good ride but a hard one. I know it'll take some time to adjust but I'm thankful for my new life as a mom.
Another thing we'll have to try to work out is taking time for each other. Right now, we take Corbin in shifts at night, or at least we try. So, if I'm sleeping, Allen is awake. This makes for very little snuggle time and I miss that. Allen and I are giving all our attention and love to Corbin and we are so tired, there's very little attention left to give to each other. But hopefully that will change in time. Allen is still number one in my life. He always will be. That's the way God wants it to be!
Speaking of God, Corbin was dedicated this past Sunday. Allen and I made the decision weeks ago and knew it was something we wanted to do. It's something we both take seriously. It's going to be a challenge but we truly want to be better people and to raise our son in a loving, nurturing and more importantly, Christian home. That's really what a dedication is, promising that you will teach your child about God and raise him in a Christian home. We will for sure have some obstacles but hopefully we will get through them and come out even stronger. Corbin has a Godmother that will definitely make sure we do a good job! That's why we chose her!
As for the whole infection thing, I'm still, YES STILL, healing. I will be very happy when this whole ordeal is behind me. The good news is, the hole in my incision is now about a half inch wide so it is getting smaller and supposedly I will be good as new in no time. I'll be glad too because I haven't been able to take a bath since I had Corbin. I've had to stick to showers and I do not like that! My body is sore and needs to soak so as soon as this thing heals, I'm taking me a nice, long bath and bringing a nice, long book with me!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
5 weeks
So I am entering my last week of maternity leave and though there is a part of me that is SO ready to get back to work, there's another part of me that's dreading it. I know that I will miss Corbin and it will be an adjustment to get back into my crazy, hectic life as a news reporter. But I am thankful for my job. It is a job that is flexible and will allow me to still see my little man. Though Allen will be a stay at home daddy for a bit, he does work part time and while he's working, I'll be able to stay home with the baby. I'm thankful I have a job that cares about me and my family and will allow me to adjust to motherhood.
I know going back to work will be hard. My life for the past 6 weeks has been turned upside down. It has consisted of feeding and changing a newborn, along with very little sleep. My brain very often feels dead and I'm not sure it will be able to just jump back into the reporter thing but I will certainly try to get back to normal.
I know had I not had the issue of my csection incision becoming infected, my recovery would have been a little better and I could have more enjoyed my time off. I am still dealing with recovery, though I hope by the end of this week, my incision will completely healed.
As for Corbin, he's adjusting pretty well to his life outside the womb. He's slowly, very slowly, distinguishing between day and night and he's been a good baby. He's already experienced a lot and I think I'm going to have a pretty tough little boy.
Hopefully, as my life returns back to normal, or at least my new normal, I can write more in my blog. Though no one reads this, I enjoy writing in it. It's my release and I especially love to go back and read past things about my pregnancy, to remember how I was feeling at the time.
I know going back to work will be hard. My life for the past 6 weeks has been turned upside down. It has consisted of feeding and changing a newborn, along with very little sleep. My brain very often feels dead and I'm not sure it will be able to just jump back into the reporter thing but I will certainly try to get back to normal.
I know had I not had the issue of my csection incision becoming infected, my recovery would have been a little better and I could have more enjoyed my time off. I am still dealing with recovery, though I hope by the end of this week, my incision will completely healed.
As for Corbin, he's adjusting pretty well to his life outside the womb. He's slowly, very slowly, distinguishing between day and night and he's been a good baby. He's already experienced a lot and I think I'm going to have a pretty tough little boy.
Hopefully, as my life returns back to normal, or at least my new normal, I can write more in my blog. Though no one reads this, I enjoy writing in it. It's my release and I especially love to go back and read past things about my pregnancy, to remember how I was feeling at the time.
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