loss

So, I have plenty to say on here, I just don't have the time, or energy, to say it.

Things have been going pretty good at home. Corbin's still growing and he's still as cute as ever. And no, he's still not sleeping through the night but he's getting better. Either that or I'm just getting so used to it, I think it's getting better.

There's been another death in my family. My great aunt passed away. While I'm so sad to see her go, I am so happy to know that she's not suffering anymore. She fought alzheimer's for a while and the last year had been brutal on her. She struggled and suffered a lot. Now, she's in Heaven with her daughter and they are probably having a ball. I now worry about her husband, my great uncle. They had been married 62 years. That's a long time! I know he will miss her and his health is not doing too well either. I worry what her death will do to him. I worry that he may not be far behind her.

It's so sad seeing people you grew up with, and looked up to, getting older and passing away. A lot of my family has passed away over the past few years and its been sad. It makes me think harder about what will happen once they are all gone. I hope the rest of my family continues to stay close.

I worry obsessively about losing my grandma. She's not only my grandmother. She's my mom. She raised me and she's always been there for me. I am so thankful she has gotten to see my little boy and I can only hope she gets to see him grow up. I know she may not see him as an adult but we'll take whatever time we have left and cherish it.

Sometimes, we take people for granted. I know I do.

I don't deal well with sickness and death. I mean, no one does but I do the opposite of what I should do.

While my aunt was sick, I never went out of my way to see her. It's not that I didn't want to. I just couldn't. I couldn't stand to see her the way she was. I was the same way with my Uncle Dean. When he was the in the hospital, I did go sit with him some but I never did anything extra. It was so hard to see them like that, sick and in pain. I know I shouldn't be like that. Now, I regret it because I wasn't there for them like I should have been.

I imagine my grandmother getting sick and me pushing away for the same reasons and then losing her. I would never forgive myself for it. Never. I want to be stronger and I want to be there for the people I love, in sickness and in health. I hope that God gives me the strength and courage to change.