Still nothing accomplished

Well last week finally ended and I made it! I feel somewhat guilty that I did so well on March 12, despite what that day now represents. But I think I did well because Allen took off work to be with me and we just spent the day at home although I think we went out once just to get out of the house. I can't even remember now. But I guess I'm miserable so many other days that I was able to let myself be normal on the anniversary of Jennifer's death. I think she would have wanted that. I wish I could have visited her grave though but I think it would have made me upset so I decided against it. I'll go see it another day. 

I didn't accomplish any of my goals last week. I didn't give blood. My fear of needles got the best of me and work kind of got in the way as well. And I also wasn't able to cut my hair to give to Locks for Love but that's more so because it's not quite long enough yet. So I'll give it a few more weeks then chop it off. 

As for the scholarship, that's made no progress either. That stupid woman STILL has not responded to my email. So I'm going to write her again. I'm a reporter, for God's sake. I certainly know how to be annoying to make someone respond to me. I hate that I have to resort to that but I'm not letting this slip away this time. Jennifer at least deserves that much. 

So it's a new week and a new day. I'm trying to get back on track with this dieting thing. I just want to be healthy. I can live with being fat and gross but I can't live with being so unhealthy. I think the weight will take care of itself once I learn to eat healthier things and become more active. So I'm trying to focus more on that instead of obsessing over the fact I'm fat. 

But aside from my last week's goals not being accomplished, I'm going to try and start working on more writing stuff soon. My office is still not finished at home but I'm hoping maybe this weekend to get going on that and get it cleaned out. It's just become a junk room. My plans are to straighten it out and then go through all my boxes of stuff and pull out all the old writings I did in college. I want to take a look at them and see if there's anything I can use. I feel I can rework some things to make those writings better. That's my plan anyway. We'll see how it goes, since I'm so good at accomplishing my goals and all....right.

Things not going as planned

Well I'm halfway through the week and so far, things haven't exactly gone as planned. I, of course, didn't give blood. I am the biggest wimp ever. Actually, things at work were so crazy I really had a hard time even trying to get away but still, I'm not sure I would have done it anyway. I was completely freaking out it once Monday got here. 

Monday just wasn't a good day. I had a rough day and Jennifer was on my mind a lot. The weekend kind of spurred some things up inside of me and the reality of everything just hit me in the stomach. 

I am off work tomorrow still and although I don't know what we'll do, I am excited just to have a day off from work. I certainly need it. 

But this week instead of being a week of remembering and not mourning, I'm again sitting back and thinking of the life Jennifer should have had. I hate the fact we won't grow old together and have kids and have cookouts with our families. I was so excited about the thought of her and I in the backyard, sitting on the hammock sipping a cold one (Mt. Dew of course), while our husbands cooked hamburgers and hot dogs and the kids played in the back yard. There's no one else I can have that with. It makes me really sad. I guess it's pathetic but I can't help. Two years ago, my best friend was alive and doing great. But two years ago tomorrow, she died just like that and I lost the one person I could count on. It sucks  

Remembering....

Last night, I covered the annual Citizen of the Year event here. It's always fun to see who will win because most of the time, I know the person because of all their activities in town. This year, two people who I admire a whole lot won. 

The two people that were recognized were two of the first people I met when I started my job here. They are involved in a whole lot of things. Their volunteerism is certainly inspiring and you can't help but be inspired to be a better person. Which brings me to the point of this. 

Next week will be the week of Jennifer's death two years ago. I've mentioned this before but I'm slowly getting my thoughts together for how I will spend this year remembering her. 

Jennifer was much like the two people that were honored last night. If they are asked to do something, they will do it. Jennifer was like that too. All you had to do is ask. I strive each day to be more like Jennifer, to be a better person, but more importantly, a better friend. 

I find myself sitting at home all alone quite often now that Jennifer is gone. The reality is she was really one of a few friends I had. I often hung out with her. I talked to her even more often. It never bothered me she was the only one I had to call or to hang out with, until of course, she was gone. Now, I'm left picking up the pieces and discovering how little I had. 

It's taken me a long time to even want to get back on the wagon and try to form some friendships and start hanging out again. Even the people I've known forever and would hang out with from time to time were hard for me to call. But I've tried and each day, I try a little harder. Life without friends really does suck. 

But anyway, next week, I want to honor Jennifer's memory and remember her in a positive way. I don't want to sit at home and be depressed. I want to do things that would make Jennifer proud. On Monday, I'm going to attempt to give blood. I've never given blood because I am absolutely terrified of needles. They make me feel like I'm going to pass out. But giving blood will be a stepping stone for me and it will be my attempt at giving back. I'm confident that I will not pass out but if I do, there will people there to give me a cookie and revive me, which is awesome because I love cookies! 

I haven't planned much more of my week yet. Initially, I was going to get the scholarship thing going but that woman still has not called me back, which is really testing my patience. I'll probably email her again. I'm not letting this slip under the rug again. This will be done this year. 

I do have a girl's night planned on Wednesday night with three of my cousins. I used to tell Jennifer and a couple of other girls that when we grew up I wanted us to have a girl's night once a week. My aunt does it with like 5 of her girlfriends every single week. There used to be like 10 girls that met but some moved or faded out or whatever. I decided that I thought that was the coolest thing ever and I vowed my friends would do that too when we got older. We never did although I talked about it a lot with Jennifer. I guess life got in the way and before we knew it, we were in our mid-20's and always had an excuse or something else to do. Now, it's too late, at least for Jennifer. I hope to find a way to still do it, even if it is with my cousins. They are, actually, like my best friends and I love hanging out with them. 

Last year on the one-year anniversary of Jennifer's death, I went to a tattoo parlor with a friend to get a tattoo designed to remember Jennifer. We had every intention of getting the tattoos done but the stupid dude never called us back. I'm still debating whether or not to do it this year. If so, I'm not sure I'll do it on Jennifer's anniversary because I'm still not sure what I want. In middle or high school, I gave Jennifer half of a best friend heart. After she died, I found it so I thought I could get a tattoo of something like that, maybe with one half of the heart with angel wings on it flying up or something. I'm not 100% sure though. I'm still thinking about it. It's a pretty big decision. 

I just want to make sure I don't spend this year all depressed about losing Jennifer but instead focus on making my life better because of her death. I want to remember Jennifer but not mourn her anymore. 

Women of Faith and updates

I have officially signed up for the Women of Faith Conference which is in November. It's in Greensboro and I'm semi-excited. I think it'll do me some good to good and it'll give me something to look forward to. I've had a lot of issues with faith over the past few years but through it all, I'm still here and I'm still trying hard to keep my faith alive. And although I am not perfect and still have a lot of work to do, I worry about my husband and if he will ever find what he is looking for. 

In other fun and exciting news, the snow is slowly melting away and there's rumors the sun will come out and cause some warmth in our area. I'm excited!! I'm so ready for warm weather to come although I'm not ready for all the allergies and stuff that come with it. I guess you can't have it all. 

And here's an update on my diet: What diet?? Yeah that's pretty much it. It lasted maybe 3 weeks but I have not given up yet. I did really, really good and I'm not sure what happened. I think it was the lack of caffeine. I just couldn't do it. So I'm going to try another method that involves more working out and less worrying about caffeine intake at the moment. 

My other resolutions are going pretty well, I think. I'm getting my head back into the game and trying to be a more productive person. I feel good right now and hope I can continue meeting my goals. 

Snow day and Scholarships

It's been snowing off and on today, which is kind of a rare treat for folks here in Eastern North Carolina. And of course, as is tradition, most everything is shut down, with the exception of course of the newspaper because it always seems to snow on Monday and Tuesday, days that I absolutely cannot miss, no matter what. But I made it here okay and am hoping to make it home just as safely. 

But in other fun news, I did manage to make a little progress on Jennifer's scholarship stuff. I've fought within myself about putting together a scholarship for Jennifer at ECU. It would be in the ECU music department. I got the idea right after she died but have had trouble wrapping my mind around the reality of actually doing it. But it's a great way to honor Jennifer so I've finally got the first draft of my letter done. Now, I'm waiting to hear back from the woman at ECU who is supposed to provide me some info on how to go about getting money and everything. I don't want to have thousands of dollars just laying around before I know where to put it. I emailed her last week. I'm a little worried since I have not heard from her yet. I just need to keep my mind focused and get this done, no matter what. I think Jennifer would have liked to have something like this so it's my way of honoring and remembering her.