Praying for Uncle Dean.

This has been a hard week for me. My uncle is in the hospital in Greenville and I'm in Nashville. 

I know Nashville really isn't that far away but I have a job that is rather demanding and it's hard for me to get away. But more so than that, I'm scared. 

I've never been good at hospitals. I hate going to them. I rarely visit people in the hospital. I just can't do it. When I think of a hospital, I automatically think the worst. It's weird, I know but it's just one of those things. 

But I feel like I should be in Greenville right now seeing my uncle and trying to encourage him to fight to get better, to let him know we aren't ready for him to go just yet. My family is amazing and have all made sure someone has been at the hospital at all times with him. Uncle Dean never married although he's had a girlfriend for like 50 years. So he doesn't really have immediate family. All he has is his siblings and then his nieces and nephews. 

I grew up a skip, hop and a jump from Uncle Dean. He and Uncle Ralph ran the little store beside my grandma's and I always went there with my dad as a kid. All the older men would slip me quarters so I could play the video games there and Uncle Dean and Uncle Ralph would let me get penny candy. When I was old enough to stay by myself, my dad would let me go to the store and charge what I wanted for lunch or snack. Many times, he'd call the store and get them to bring me food. They were just always there. The store closing was a huge milestone because none of us believed they'd ever close it down. Many of us thought they'd die in that store. Sometimes it seems like a part of them did. 

So Uncle Dean being so sick hurts a lot and reminds me of how great a person he is. I know if it is his time to go, then he'll go to a great place but I don't know if the family is ready for another death right now. I hope he pulls through. 

I worry about Uncle Ralph and I worry about my grandma and what this is doing to them right now. I know they feel helpless just like the rest of us. I wish I could take their hurt away. 

So I'm taking my shift for sitting with Uncle Dean on Friday and Sunday. I'm nervous because I don't want to go in there and cry and upset anyone anymore than I already am. But I know that I need to be there for Uncle Dean and for my family. All we can do now is pray. 

Still miss you

I imagined the day I found out I was pregnant to be a little different than it was. First, I had always wanted to find out on my own about being pregnant, and then coming up with some clever way to tell Allen. But of course, when you are throwing up all the time and craving apples, it's kind of hard to hide it. So that plan didn't work out. But nonetheless, I wouldn't trade it because I'm glad we found out together. Alone, I may have been tempted to talk to someone else first, to get ideas for how to tell him and then Allen wouldn't have been the first to know and that just doesn't seem right. 

Secondly, Jennifer isn't here to share this with. That sucks. I always imagined us growing old together, having our couple nights, our girl's nights and eventually, our get the kids together nights. I so looked forward to our kids playing together and couldn't wait to see whose kid could beat the other up. I was hoping it was mine, to pay Jennifer back for all those times she bullied me! 

It's sad to think about how she won't be here. I've moved on and have tried not to dwell anymore on her death and all the circumstances surrounding it but I admit, it's still hard. I miss her so much. I need a good friend now more than ever. 

But in other news, we got rid of our foster pup, Nash. Well we didn't "get rid" of him, we found him a forever home. It's bittersweet. I'm going to miss the little guy but feel super great about knowing Allen and I turned him into such a sweet boy and we know he will make his new family so very happy! I managed to get through everything without crying so I feel good about that. I'm happy for Nash and I'm happy that I was able to let go. I'd like to foster another but with a baby on the way, I guess we'll have to take a break. 

Still can't believe it, but it's true

So in two more days, I will be 7 weeks pregnant. It's hard to believe it's almost been a week since we found out. 

So my nausea has subsided some. I've been able to function and haven't thrown up in a while. I still feel tired and my tummy is a little odd feeling but I'm guessing that is because my baby is developing as we speak. That's a pretty thing to think about. But scary as well, especially when I do something bad, like eat a cheeseburger and fries, which I did yesterday. I decided I wanted a burger so I had a simple cheeseburger. It all stayed down too. But that's probably the worst meal I've had all week so I feel okay about that. And I'm still not having caffeine. Very proud of that but not proud that I am so addicted that I have horrible headaches. I guess they will pass eventually. I'm drinking lots of water and some juices and I do have the occasional Sprite but still haven't had any coffee. Ok wait. I did actually have a small glass of Coke on Saturday. I was so sick and my head was about to explode so I drank some Coke thinking it'd take away the headache. It eased off some but not a lot. I finally had to break down and take a Tylenol. 

So lots of people are talking about twins. I know they are probably all joking but it has gotten me and Allen a little freaked out. I'm secretly excited about the possibility, because it's like a two-for-the-price-of-one deal. Allen and I agreed we'd deal with that IF it were to happen but we said we didn't care how many were in there as long as they were all healthy. But really, I hope it's not more than two! 

Today, as I write this, I'm thinking about a lot of things. How we are going to afford a baby, how I'm going to lug a baby around in my little bitty mustang, how I'm going to help my kid in school, if I'm going to end up in jail for beating another kid up for wanting to date my little girl, you know, all those things. It's a lot to digest. But I feel good about it. I used to think I'd feel differently if I were pregnant, like my maternal instinct wouldn't kick in. I was pretty certain I didn't have a maternal instinct but maybe I do. I feel so happy that Allen and I have created something so amazing with our love. And considering the year we've had, this baby truly was created out of love. 

Has it been 9 months yet?

Ok, so I am really not digging this whole waking up nauseated thing. It's getting old fast. And I'm really not digging the actual throwing up part either. Thanks little baby. I hope this doesn't go on for 9 months. 

I can't believe how sick I am when I'm not even that far along. I mean, I feel like crap. Aside from the nausea, I am extremely tired and my emotions are all out of whack. I have strange emotions anyway. But now, I feel like bursting out crying at any minute. Then 2 seconds later, I am full of joy and happy and other good things. I can already tell you, Allen is in for a treat. 

I had my first doctor's appointment today. I'm nervous. I don't like doctors. I definitely don't like gynecologists. I dread my annual "women's" checkup, I mean dread it! I don't like doctors poking me "down there" or "up there" or anywhere for that matter. But, I suppose I better get used to it. I had already decided that if they poked me too much today, I was going to beg them to at least poke Allen once somewhere, anywhere, just to make it fair. 

But they didn't poke me anywhere today. All we did today was talk to a nurse lady about our family medical history and about how the whole baby checkup thing would work. There are some concerns. Allen's family has some heart issues so we'll have to get a bunch of tests done when I'm further along to ensure the baby is okay. So keep your fingers crossed. And, since my dad is a diabetic and Allen's mom is as well, I have to get a diabetes test at my next appointment. I have to drink a 10 ounce bottle of crap before I take the test. Yuck. Then, I'll have to do it again when I'm further along. This way, they'll be able to really monitor if I develop gestational diabetes. They say some women become diabetics during pregnancy. But overall, the appointment went well and I got a bunch of free prenatal vitamins to try! Yay! And I got a book to look at. 

I know I have to lay off the caffeine. I haven't had but one full drink of any type with caffeine since I discovered I was pregnant. But before then, when I was pregnant but didn't know it, uh oh. I am addicted to caffeine so I am terrified I have already screwed up my child, exposing them to way too much caffeine. I'm trying hard to lay off but I'm not sure what else to drink. I've had apple juice, which I discovered has a crap load of sugar in it, chocolate milk (which is healthy aside from the chocolate part), koolaid with very little sugar and then water. NO COFFEE!! And I admit, I have taken sips of Mt. Dew just to get my "fix" but that's it, I swear. I feel okay about it too. I haven't gotten a caffeine headache yet and I don't feel irritated about giving up something I loved so much. Maybe this baby thing is gonna make me a lady afterall. 

On top of that, I have no idea what to eat. I have no clue what is good for the baby and what isn't. Luckily I'm craving apples and veggies so I'm sure that's okay but what about real food, like chicken and beef? Can I have cheeseburgers or tacos? I have no clue. 

I was hoping the doctor would give me some insight into what I can do to better nourish my little baby. And I hope I haven't done anything prior to knowing I was pregnant that could put him/her at risk. But I think I'm okay. I'm trying to eat better and I know what's at stake if I don't so I think I'll do okay. But someone needs to talk to Allen. Yesterday, he brought me a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. I was like, EWWW, get that away from me. I'm going to barf.  So he took it, looked at me like I was crazy and then he ate it himself. I guess he was shocked I wasn't craving sweets. Had it brought me a jar of pickles and a bag of carrots, I would have been happy. OH well, it's the thought that counts. And Allen has been really sweet to me. I think he feels bad that I am so sick. And HE SHOULD. This is all his fault!!!! 

Just kidding. 

We're having a what??

So 2010 will definitely be one of those years that goes down in the books. Now, I really do wish I had written the highlights down. 

This news is so big I'm not even sure how to mention it. Or if I should. I mean, it's one of those things you want to tell everyone but then again, if things don't work out and something goes wrong, you don't want everyone to know. But I can't help it. 

I'm pregnant. 

I never thought I'd utter those words. I've always been terrified of saying those words. But here I am, those foreign words coming out of my mouth. 

Pregnant. 

Okay, so it's a big surprise to us. We weren't really trying to have a baby. But we weren't NOT trying either. It was one of those things we had put in God's hands. I guess He felt it was time. 

So I'm around 6 weeks. How do I feel? I'm extremely happy, I'm worried, I'm nervous, I'm honored and proud and I'm sick. Literally sick but they say that's a part of pregnancy. 

This whole sick thing is what clued me in on the whole being pregnant thing. I'd been feeling funny for around a week and then realized I was late. Then, I got sick, throwing up, cold chills, emotional instability, oh yeah and craving apples. Apples?? YES apples. That was when I decided to tell Allen the news. We got a pregnancy test (2 actually) and I woke up on Sunday morning and took it. It was positive. 

Seeing the positive brought in a flood of different emotions. Happy, scared, sad, worried, all sorts of stuff came over me. But most of all, I actually felt happy. We were having a baby. 

And Allen, though he too wasn't really ready for this surprise, I could tell he was happy. He had that little smirk on his face, like "I'm the man, oh yeah." Then I could see the thoughts racing through his head of all the things he couldn't wait to teach this seed of a child that was in me. 

We've talked about it. We don't know how we're going to do this. But who really does? I mean, you are never truly prepared to have a kid.

My main excuse over the years for not having one is that we weren't ready. When I sit down and think about it, I'm not sure we'll ever be "ready." But deep, deep, deep, deep (you get the picture) down inside, I've always wanted to have a baby. Now's my chance. 

So far, I've been really sick and craving fruits and vegetables, which is a good thing I suppose. My stomach has felt extremely weird too, like there is this heavy thing inside of it and it's making my stomach ache a little. I can't explain it. It's a pain that makes me smile because I know that this child inside me is going to make me the happiest mommy in the world. 

My dogs make me smile.....

I've always loved animals. Ever since I was a little girl, I loved cats and dogs and hamsters and any type of furry creature. 

My dad never let me have an inside pet. We always had an outside dog and it was always his dog. Finally, one year, I got my very own dog. My dad had a dalmation at the time and he gave me a lab. I loved that dog more than anything. One day, the stupid dalmation ran away and took my Sadie with him. I never saw her again. It wasn't until I was 20 that I got my own dog again. Her name was Scratchy.

Aside from dogs, though, I've always had outside cats. Technically they weren't mine. We lived int he country so stray cats were common. I took it upon myself to feed them and take care of them. When I turned 16, my neighbors moved and some strange people moved in. They had a gazillion cats that were malnourished. So I began to take care of them too. I used to go sit on my front porch and talk to the cats. I could talk to them about anything. 

Just before my 21st birthday, I ended up with my very own cat. Domino. I brought him inside.My dad hated him. Allen hated him but man did I love him. I still do. Domino is a special boy. 

Animals have always been a part of my life. I've always hated to see them suffer to know they didn't have a family to go to. I guess that's why I now have five cats and two dogs. Four of my cats (including Domino) stay inside. One is outside and he came with the house we bought. Scratchy passed away in 2005. I still miss her like crazy. But today, we have Abby and Sheba, both Pit Bull Terriers. 

Somehow, I have fallen madly in love with Pit Bulls. Perhaps it is because of their loyalty, their sense of humor and their ability to follow me around without seeming to mind where I go, including the bathroom. But really, I think it is because there are so many people who despise pit bulls, so many people who judge them without even knowing them. 

I've always had this passion to do something to help animals. But since pit bulls came into my life, I've singled that passion down to wanting to help them. Wanting to help change their reputation and keep them alive. 

I've thought about forming my own pit bull rescue group but I don't have the time or knowledge to do that. So when an animal group formed in Nashville and asked me to be the Vice President, I figured this was my way of helping the pit bull breed. 

Currently, we have saved 6 dogs. One was really sick and old and we rescued her just so she could pass away in a loving home instead of by the gas chamber at the local shelter. The second one we rescued was a pit bull terrier. He was scheduled to be put to sleep on Friday at this same shelter. We saved him on Friday, just minutes before he was to die. He, of course, came home with me, as a foster puppy. His name is Nash. 

Yes, this means I currently have 3 pit bulls in my house, on top of the 4 cats. It is too many. I know it's too many, Allen knows it's too many but we don't care. We saved his life. We feel good about that. 

Nash still hasn't found a home. It upsets me because I know why he hasn't. But then again, none of the other 3 that are available have found homes either. But Nash will have a harder chance of finding a home. No one will see his cute little floppy ears or his awkward smile. No one will care that he learned to sit and use the bathroom outside pretty quickly, which is amazing for a little 5-month old puppy. Nope. They will care about the fact that he is a pit bull terrier. 

Earlier this week, I was covering a board meeting and someone asked about Nash. I've written columns about my foster experience so people know about him. So I was telling them about Nash and how we hadn't found him a home yet. And another lady, listening to our conversation, asked what type he was. When I told her, she said, oh no, like I had adopted satan himself. 

I took this as my opportunity to change someone's mind about pits. So I told the woman I had three pits in my house and they lived with cats and none of my cats had been eaten yet. She wasn't convinced so then I brought out my cell phone which has lots of photos. I began to show her tons of pictures. Still convince her. These are the type of ignorant people that are in the world today. These are the type of ignorant people I am trying to change. It won't be easy. 

My pit bull terriers make me smile and I think the world should know, they can make them smile too.