Animals

I've always loved animals, always. I've loved them since I was a little kid and I tried to take in and help every stray that crossed my path. Unfortunately, Allen is the same way. That's why we have 5 cats right now. Every single one of those cats were "saved." Abby and Sheba weren't really rescues. They were a decision that we made together but the cats, well they just somehow found their way into our homes and our hearts.

Four of those five cats live inside my house. Do we regret having 5 cats? YES, we do. But would I get rid of them? NO, I wouldn't. As much as I want to ring their necks at times, I love them and they are my babies, especially Domino. But I can promise you, if Allen and I have a animal loving little boy who tries to save every animal that crosses his path, we're going to have to put our foot down. (FYI, I started laughing as I typed this because I know it's not true) Seriously though, once these cats are gone, Allen has forbid us from having anymore inside cats. I think I can talk him into at least one. I mean, I'll soon have some leverage in a little boy named Corbin and I plan to use Corbin to not only make sure one day we can have another inside cat but also to make sure I get the little pig I've always wanted. But I agree, we will never, ever, ever have four inside cats ever again.

Anyway, back to the animals. I've always wanted to get involved in animal rescue, like in a group. When I got my two girls, who are American Pit Bull Terriers, aka pit bulls, I decided that my calling was to rescue pits. I was just like everyone else in the world. I thought pits were bad dogs. But now that I have two, I can't imagine owning any other breed of dog. Unfortunately, people don't like pit bulls. I've always wondered how I could start a pit bull rescue. I decided once Allen got his job situation straightened out, that would be the time.

God puts everyone on this earth for a reason. He gives everyone a talent and a calling. Mine is writing and animals.

Last year, the newspaper I work at challenged someone to start an animal rescue group to work with our shelter here. Well someone stepped up and did it! And, somehow, through it all, I became the Vice President of the group. One of our first rescues was a black pit bull puppy. His picture tore at my soul and I convinced the group to pull him. Allen and I trained him and worked with him and turned him into a well behaved wonderful dog. We loved him and after just a few months, we found him a wonderful home. Today, he is super happy and super big. And it feels so good to see him out and about with his new owner, all smiling and happy. This dog was going to be killed on the day we rescued him. But look at him now!

Unfortunately, not long after, I had to resign from the group because of the pregnancy. I was so sick at first and I just didn't feel I could handle the stress of helping get a brand new thing off the ground. It was a hard decision but I still feel like it was the best one for me at the time. I stay in touch and still want to help the group but for now, I needed to take a back row seat.

It's been so hard though. I see pit bulls come through the animal shelter every week. Some make it out and some don't. Thank God this group at least is not discriminatory against pit bulls like so many other rescues. They try to save the pits too. But pits are hard to find homes for.

It breaks my heart to know I can't do anything right now, that all some dogs need is a temporary home until a good home can be found and right now, I just can't provide that. And when no one steps up to provide that temporary home, they get put down.

And now, with a baby on the way, I'm not sure when I'll be able to rescue again. Corbin is my number one priority and though I love pit bulls, I am not willing to bring strange dogs of any breed into my home with a newborn, and especially not a pit bull. And it's not because I think they are mean or evil but generally pits going into shelters are there because they are strays or were turned in, which means there is no telling what type of life they had. I can't take a chance of getting a hold of a dog with issues. So if I am to foster any dog at all, it would have to be a puppy until Corbin was old enough to understand. I just can't take a chance. I love pit bulls and I do have knowledge and experience with them but I don't feel confident I am that experienced to rehabilitate one that has issues.

I hope Corbin loves animals as we do and I'm sure he will. I hope he can develop the same passion and love for pits as we have. I know growing up with Abby and Sheba he'll probably never understand why people DON'T like them.

It hurts to see so many animals suffer and know that I can't do anything to help them for a while.

Big bellies

My belly is becoming larger and larger each and everyday and I am just about out of clothes to wear. I haven't really bought a lot of maternity clothes because I haven't needed them. My weight gain has been slow and I have mixed feelings about it. It sucks to be 8 months pregnant and still be where some people can't tell you are pregnant at all. I guess I just look fat. I've looked fat for years so it'd be nice to "look" pregnant for a change!

My belly doesn't seem to be taking on the typical pregnancy shape. It just looks odd. But anyway, it has been growing a lot over the past few weeks and my clothes are not fitting anymore. I have 2 pair of maternity pants and maybe 3-4 shirts but that's it. I have maybe 2 other pants I can wear now but I can tell they will not fit me by the end of this week. So, either I wear the same outfit over and over again for the next few weeks or I must go shopping.

Things are still very frustrating right now. Allen and I are at a point where we just don't know what to do. He hasn't had any luck finding work and we've settled on the fact he will stay at home with the baby but was still hoping to find at least another part-time job. But he can't even find part-time work. It's frustrating because we were hoping for him to work a lot before the baby comes and then he could slow down or stop to be home with him. But now, with him not working much, it's getting harder and harder.

We've decided the business will have to wait because we can't logically afford to fund his business right now. So we're going to wait a few more months and hope we can figure out how to get some things straightened out.

As for the car, well we're not getting the Honda Odyssey. There's just no way without getting a loan and we can't take on any extra debt right now. Plus, Dave Ramsey says NO. So, instead, we're probably going to sell Allen's van and use that money to buy something else, probably nothing great but at least something larger than what we have.

But I know we're blessed and I know things could be worse. I just hope we will figure things out soon. I'm thankful that we can even consider having one of us stay home but at the same time, I can't take care of us now so I know on my salary I can't support a baby too. So we still have a lot to figure out but not a lot of time to figure it out.

Freaking out and stuff

Eh, I don't know what to say anymore. It seems like it's the same old mess; we're running out of time, the baby's room still isn't finished, we still have a ton of mess to do and yes, I am still feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

I thought I was married to a man who really understood women. I mean, Allen has four sisters and those four sisters have like 11 kids between them so he's been around not only women, but pregnant women. And throughout this whole process, he sure seems to act like he knows everything about being pregnant. But I suppose he's finding out that it's different when it's your wife going through it.

For the most part, Allen has been great. He's been to EVERY, single doctor's appointment with me and I haven't had to make him. He's wanted to. He wanted to be a part or registering for baby stuff, he's wanted to help pick the room colors out and help pick the crib out and all that. Most men don't care. So I know I'm lucky on that because it helps to know that we are in this together. But there are some things Allen just doesn't get.

He doesn't get the whole needy, pregnant wife thing. He doesn't understand that pointing out to me how fat certain body parts have gotten does not make me happy. I don't like it being pointed out that my ankles are gigantic. I already know! They are my ankles!!! I know my stomach is growing! I'd prefer if he rubbed my belly and say something like, "Man, our little boy sure is growing now!" But instead he says "Man you're getting huge!!!!"

And he obviously doesn't get the part of pregnancy where women want to nest. I read about nesting but quite frankly I didn't believe it....until I started getting that itch.

And that, my friends, is why this whole room not being done business is driving me crazy. Tonight, I want to go home and go in Corbin's FINISHED room and go through all his stuff and put it where it needs to go. I want to sort his clothes and make sure the room is babyproof. I want to sit in the rocking chair that we don't have yet and think and just take it all in. But I can't do any of these things.

I tried to turn my obsession, er, I mean my nesting, over to something else and I began to look for a car. That way, I could at least put the baby's car seat in it and feel like I was doing something. But the car thing isn't going to work. We can't afford another car right now, not on my salary. I don't know what we're going to do about it but I suppose we'll get by on what we have for now.

Aside from that, everyone keeps telling me I won't make it to my due date and I'll go early. That is freaking me out. FREAKING. ME. OUT.

I don't want to go early! We aren't ready. I am not ready so Corbin cannot be ready! He can't come early. He just can't and I wish everyone would just shut up and leave me alone. I don't need to be freaked out anymore than I already am. So there.

So much still to do

So, I feel somewhat overwhelmed right now. I mean, I'm closing in on week 33 of this pregnancy and there is still SO much to do! But the good news is that I'm a week later than I thought I was!! Last week I thought I was 33 weeks but I was really 32 so at least I have an additional week now. I must have miscounted somewhere.

But anyway, the minivan thing is not going well. We are still looking but having trouble finding something within our budget. Car dealers are like the devil! They keep trying to tell us we can't get financing for a cheap van because it's too cheap and has too many miles. BUT, they say, if you were to get this one that's like $5,000 more, I bet we could get financing. I guess I look naive or something. Maybe I do but I'm not falling for it. I'm not happy about having to get a loan for a car anyway and there's a good chance we'll end up not going through with it so these car people better watch out.

So we still have the van thing to deal with. And we have to do some minor work to the car we have too. Even if we get a van, the baby will probably ride in the car and there's some things that need to be done for his safety. So that's on our list as well.

The baby's room is 75% painted now. But we still have 25% left to go. In relationship to our house, I see the glass as half empty. Yes, the room is ALMOST done but ALMOST done does not count to me. If the baby were to come today, the room being ALMOST would not help us any. But we are progressing and I have to be content with that. I am trying to be optimistic that the room will get completely painted this week and the ceiling will be painted as well. Then, we'll just have to do the floor, and some odd end stuff. I wish I could say that was all. We still have our bathroom to remodel and our living room. And we have to finish up our bedroom. Those 4 rooms were on our list to finish before the baby arrived. After the baby gets here, we planned to start working on our kitchen and dining room and then move into what we're using now for our living room but that will be turned into our bedroom. And then there's the outside of the house; painting, new roof, all that good stuff. Yeah, it'll be years before our house is completely done, unless of course, we win the lottery and I can just pay someone to do it all.

On top of that, I still have no clue who is going to watch Corbin. I've looked but I'm not sure what to do right now. I'm not sure what Allen's going to be doing then. I hate to find a daycare and get him in and then find out Allen will be home. We can't afford to pay for daycare if Allen isn't working. But at the same time, I hate to find an individual to watch him when I don't know yet what our schedule is going to be. So, I'm sort of stuck on that one.

We still don't have a crib or anything in regards to the baby's furniture, though we do have a cradle we are keeping in our bedroom. And there's a ton of other stuff we need for the baby!

The list goes on and on. It's so overwhelming. I am getting more and more terrified that we won't get everything done and the baby will be here and we'll still be figuring things out! I know that's probably normal but it's probably also normal that I'm freaking out right now.

Minivan time

Okay, so I've tried to come up with a clever way to get around having to buy a minivan. I've thought about buying a four-door car, a four-door SUV, pretty much anything but the mommy mobile. BUT each time, I somehow internally convince myself that a van is truly what my growing family needs.

You see, we not only have a little boy on the way. We already have two kids, our two little doggies, Abby and Sheba. They are our babies and they go with us a lot. We haven't had the pleasure of going on vacations with them but when we go to Bethel, Abby and Sheba follow. They love, love, love to visit their maw maw's and she spoils them rotten. Now, if we had to leave them home from now on, they would not like their little brother Corbin, now would they?

So logically thinking here, we really do need a vehicle with a third row seat. Corbin gets his own little seat and Abby and Sheba can have the very back seat if we were to get a mini van. Abby and Sheba tend to get really, super excited when we pull up in maw maw's yard and their tails go a-wagging away. Pit Bull Terriers have really super strong tails and they hurt and if they were to be in the same seat with Corbin, well their tails could whack his little head off and that would not be cool. And they are also kind of temperamental when they ride. Well, okay, Sheba is temperamental. So she needs her own space. She already has to share with Abby, who will take up 80% of the backseat of our car when riding now, leaving Sheba a little, tiny corner. She's usually okay with her corner, but every now and then you can tell she's not liking her sister. A van would give them the option also of laying in the floor so they could truly have their own space. All around, the minivan is the way to go.

So, I have accepted the minivan theory. I have a family to look out for now and once Corbin is born, there may be some talking about a second child and a minivan would accommodate another one as well so we wouldn't have to go through this whole new car spill again.

I have looked and looked at minivans and I finally found a "cool" one. The Honda Odyssey. They have this sporty look to them, which will help me adjust from being the cool, 2-door, sporty car driving person to the soccer mom, minivan driving girl. Of course, these vans are expensive!!

I've been checking them out for 7 months. I finally found a model that doesn't have a gazillion miles on it that looks nice and clean and is a good price. So this week, we shall ride to Raleigh and take a peek at it. There's a small chance we'll go ahead and take the plunge and buy it but then again, we may decide to wait a little longer. I, however, would like to go ahead and get something soon so I can practice driving it BEFORE the baby comes. It is a van, for goodness sake, and I need to learn how to not run into things. The last thing I need is having a minor accident when Corbin is here. I'll have to go ahead and start bribing the kid from the get go. "Let's not tell daddy about this little accident, okay Corbin!" So, the sooner the better for me.

We initially wanted to save up and pay cash for our new car but we are spending every extra penny we have on the house and Allen's business so we will have to get a loan for a new car, which is VERY disturbing to us. We don't want anymore debt but we've sat down and rationalized a way to quickly pay off the car loan. So we feel a little better about it.

But regardless of what happens with this van, we will have to at some point make a decision about a car, and soon. So, hopefully, we are now on the fast track to moving forward and making some decisions so we can check this one off our list of things to do!

SEVEN MORE WEEKS

Ok so I just realized that I will be 33 weeks pregnant this week. If you do the math here, it means I only have like 7 more weeks to go. SEVEN WEEKS!!! Where did the time go?

Here's what happened in my brain when I came to this realization. I thought, OH NO, 7 weeks to get my house done, 7 weeks to find a bigger car, 7 weeks to find someone to keep my baby, 7 weeks to pack my hospital bag, 7 weeks to find Corbin his very first outfit to wear, 7 weeks, 7 weeks, SEVEN WEEKS!!! And then my brain exploded.

Seriously, where did the time go?? It seems like yesterday I was calling the doctor to make an appointment to get another pregnancy test because I had a hard time believing the two I had taken at home. And wasn't it yesterday that Allen and I about fell to the floor when we found out we were having a boy because we could have swore it was a girl?!?! Actually I think we were actually more excited about the fact that our little baby had the healthiest heart in the world. It was later it dawned on us that he was a boy instead of a girl. I am pretty sure it was yesterday.

The past 33 weeks have been emotional, overwhelming, magnificent and happy, all rolled into one little teeny, tiny ball. I will never be able to put into words this experience, which bothers me since I am a writer. But it was nothing like I had imagined. Maybe one day the words will come to me.

Okay, so I'm not completely terrified that I'm only 7 weeks away. There is a part of me that's excited. I can't wait to see my little boy. There's another part of me that wants to see him to make sure he IS a little boy (wouldn't that be something!). I can't wait to see what he looks like and feel his little baby skin. I can't wait for him to throw up on me and pee in my face (yes I did just say that). I can't wait to see him smile for the very first time and I can't wait to see Allen hold his little boy for the first time. I imagine it will be one of those moments I will never, ever forget.

I think I may miss being pregnant. I'm going to miss feeling those little kicks and movements throughout the day. They were the most amazing feeling in the world and each day, they are what I most look forward to.

In just 7 weeks (maybe more), I'm going to be a mommy. What a weird feeling.

Scholarship success

This weekend we had the the yard sale to raise money for Jennifer's scholarship. We had a great turnout and even though we didn't have as much stuff as we did last year, we still made just as much money. I believe the final tally was around $2,700!!! It's hard to believe you can do that at a yard sale but we did it! Of course, it wasn't all from the sale. We did get a pretty nice donation from Jennifer's in-laws and we got another donation from her aunt and uncle. And most everyone who bought something gave a little something extra. But we did good and I am so excited to see us just about meet our year 2 goal! And, we have another fundraiser in September so I'm hopeful we can go over the $10,000 goal for the first two years. 

I would love to see Jennifer's scholarship get the $25,000 needed before the 5 years are up. But even more than that, I'd love to see it go over $25,000. The more money we raise, the more scholarships can be given. How awesome would it be to help several kids with this scholarship? 

When I first came up with the idea to do this for Jennifer, I did it for several reasons. I did it because I had spent too much time grieving in a negative way and I wanted to turn my grief into something positive. That's what Jennifer would have wanted. Secondly, I wanted to be able to give something that would remember Jennifer forever. She gave me such a great gift with her friendship and I wanted to do something in return to say "thank you." But finally, and what has turned out to be the most important reason for doing this, I wanted to give her family something that would carry on Jennifer's memory forever. I know they will never forget her and through this, every music student at ECU will get to learn about Jennifer Ragland Evans as well. She was a great person and she's someone I don't want us to ever forget. I want her memory to live on forever. I want Corbin to have the opportunity to get this scholarship in 18-19 years, if he decides to pursue music. I want Corbin's kids to have the same opportunity. I think doing this scholarship has helped her parents. Like me, it's given them a new sense of direction and instead of grieving so much over their lost daughter, they've been able to put their grief into this scholarship. When Jennifer died, I promised her I would watch over her family and though I haven't been able to be there as much as I should have, I feel this scholarship has helped get them through this hard time. 

I was unsure if I could do this at first. I knew I'd need help and support and I felt like I could get that support because as much as Jennifer touched me, there are dozens more people she's touched as well. I was right. I'm in awe at how helpful and supportive my own family have been with this. They have come to EVERY fundraiser and helped. They have written their own checks, made their own donations and just been there every step of the way. I am so blessed to have a family that has stepped up to be there for me through this. They know how much Jennifer meant to me and I'm sure they saw how special she was as well. I couldn't have made this happen with my family's support or without the support of Jennifer's parents. We are almost halfway there and I can't wait to see this scholarship put into action!!! 

Corbin's room=still not done

Well we finally picked out a crib this weekend. It's a fairly simple one but it's nice and it will look good in Corbin's room, should we ever finish it. Hopefully we'll be able to go pick it up sometime soon. Right now, though, we don't have anywhere to put it, since his room isn't done yet.

It's getting very frustrating to look at the calendar and see just how little time we have left and then to walk through our house and see just how much we still have left to do. I'm seriously starting to get worried it won't get done and we'll be stuck in a very unfinished house. I know it's a fixer upper house but there are some things that really need to be done before Corbin gets here. We've been working on his bedroom since November and that's a bad sign, since we still have at least 2-3 more rooms to go. I really thought with Allen not working more would get done but I guess that was a bad assumption. But, you know what they say about assumptions....

Hugs and Kisses

I grew up never hearing the words "I love you." I can probably count on one hand, maybe two, how many times my dad has said that to me. The same thing goes for my grandmother, who to me is my mom. I never really felt unloved though. I knew they loved me because they fed me and housed me and loved me.

One time when I was younger, I asked my dad why he never said "I love you." He told me he didn't need to say it because he told me by showing me. I accepted that and moved on.

My mom left me when I was a baby. I still, to this day, cannot understand how a woman can do that to her child but nonetheless, it happens. My mom rarely kept in touch. The few letters I got from her over the years always proclaimed how much she loved me and missed me. I never believed her because if she loved me and missed me so much then why didn't I ever see her? And why did I run into her one day and her not even recognize that I was her daughter? So with my mom, my dad's theory proved true. She protested her love to me in all these letters but when it came down to it, her actions spoke much louder.

In meeting Allen, I met someone who has no problem expressing his love. He tells me probably 15 times a day that he loves me. And he tells his parents and they tell him. But it was hard for me to adjust. Of course now, I tell him just as much as he tells me but to this day, I still cannot say those words to my dad.

Allen is also a touchy, feeling type, most of the time. He likes to hold my hand and put his arm around me. And he always makes sure to kiss me hello and goodbye when we are leaving or coming home. I love that about him and I hope he's always that way.

There was a point to all this but I have forgotten it. So I suppose that is all for today.

No more ultrasounds

So, Allen and I have had two ultrasounds. One in January and another in February. Both ultrasounds were at Rex Hospital at the UNC-CH satellite campus. Both ultrasounds were done to do extra special checks on Corbin's health, specifically to make sure his heart was the way it should be since there's a lot of family history in Allen's family of heart problems.

Allen and I went to both of these appointments with our nerves all tore up, especially at the first one. We were so worried about our little boy that it was hard to be excited about even getting to see him for the first time. The first appointment was when we found out it was a little boy but even that was overshadowed by us just wanting to be sure he was okay. At the second appointment, we felt better and weren't quite as nervous, but nonetheless, we were focused on his health so we didn't get to enjoy the ultrasound.

I know ultrasounds aren't meant for the parent's pleasure necessarily. They are strictly for medical purposes but nonetheless, they are what the parents look forward to.

I assumed because the first two ultrasounds were in Raleigh and were to do specific testing, we would get to have another ultrasound done later on at our local doctor. I recently found out we wouldn't. And I am not happy about that.

Neither of us really got to enjoy seeing the baby because we were so worried about everything measuring right and his heart being strong.

I'm trying to decide if I want to throw a temper tantrum over it and demand they do another one. Most parents get those 4D ultrasounds when they are further along and I was so excited about getting one of those so we could really see our little boy a lot better. GRRR.

I know I only have 2 more months to go before I see him but that's a long time!! I just want to see Corbin when I can be excited about it and truly savor the moment. If I had the money, I'd buy my own ultrasound machine!!!!

Words

I wonder if I'll ever be able to write again. I don't mean write stuff for the newspaper though that has become a constant battle, I mean write like I used to. I used to write poems and songs and short stories and all that stuff and though I never proclaimed it to be great, it was a way to get things off my heart. Writing is my therapy and somehow, the writing I do now isn't the same type of therapy.

I find myself needing that therapy a lot lately but I can't seem to put my feelings into words.

Having a baby is scary. It makes you think about your past, your present and your future. It brings all these weird emotions up to the surface and things that normally would be just something to think about once and forget becomes something you constantly worry about.

I feel this strange urge to write but when I sit down to do it, nothing comes out. I want to write about this whole pregnancy experience, the way it's changed me and made me feel. But truly there are no words to put on paper that can accurately describe it. But if something were to happen to me and Corbin didn't get a chance to know me, I'd like for him to know the feeling he's given me over the past 7 months. And right now, even though he's not even in this world, I know that I love him more than I've ever loved anything else. I just wish I could find the right words to share with him.

Little things

It really is the little things that mean so much.

This weekend, we bought a bassinet for Corbin! I am super excited about it. I want to find one of my baby dolls and dress him up like Corbin and play doll I'm so excited. But don't worry, I won't. That would be weird. The bassinet we bought is super awesome. It looks like a miniature crib. It's all wood, it's a light wood color and it rocks. We found it on Craigslist and it was very lightly used. I've been looking at them, both new and used, for a while and haven't found anything that both Allen and I like. Most were too sissy! So that's one thing I can check off my list of things to do.

And, Corbin's room is coming along as well. It's not going as quickly as I had hoped but it takes time for the mud to dry and to sand an entire room so I'm trying to be patient. I had hoped to have at least the primer on the wall this weekend but maybe we'll be there tomorrow. I still feel so far away though. We still have SO much to do to his room. I need a money tree.

But nonetheless, I am super excited his room is coming along and even more excited that we have a bassinet!

Roller Coasters

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now. I get really, really happy and then all of a sudden, I feel like I'm going to cry. Then I feel like slapping myself for being so stupid. Sometimes I think Corbin senses this because he will give me a swift kick in the gut.

I love to feel Corbin kick me. But lately, he hasn't been doing as much moving around and kicking as he usually does. Or maybe he is and I'm just somehow missing it?? It's really freaking me out. Sometimes, I think he does it on purpose.

For example, recently, I worked a long day and I got home that night and ate dinner and sat on the couch and Allen asked if I had felt Corbin much. I told him I hadn't really felt him much. So a few hours later, he asked again and I told him I still hadn't really felt him. That apparently bothered Allen too because he went and got the stethoscope and started trying to listen to Corbin. He couldn't tell if he could hear anything and I could tell he was started to get worried too when all of a sudden Corbin kicked the stethoscope, like DADDY I'M HERE CHILL OUT! It was funny and relieving all the same time. Just when I start to really freak out, he'll move or kick or something.

I just wish he moved more because it makes me happy. It lets me know he's in there and that is the best feeling ever. Hopefully, as the weeks go on, he'll move more.

But back to the roller coaster of emotions I am apparently riding. It's getting on my nerves. I wish I wasn't one of those people that worried so much. I don't want to worry. I just want to sit back and enjoy this moment because it's one of those moments you'll never get back. I guess this whole emotional weirdness is normal but it's hard to go through because you just need someone to walk up to you and give you a giant hug. But really, if someone did that, I'd probably not enjoy it because I'm not a touchy feely person. Unless it's Allen. He can hug me. Maybe that's what I need, a giant hug from my husband.