Each year, I dread this doctor's visit. I hate doctors. Any doctor; dentists, medical doctors, chiropractors. I just don't like doctors. I don't like being touched by strangers. I'm just not a touchy feely type. So I was already pretty anxious about my appointment last week.
During the time my mother and I have gotten to know each other, I found out she had uterine cancer at 28 years old. As a result, she had a hysterectomy. When she told me, I admit, I was like, "wow, that's young." But I didn't think much else of it. Then I found out my grandmother, her mother, had it too. Okay, that's something I should probably share with my doctor.
So as I prepared for my appointment, I had this new information in hand and I shared it with the nurse. When I told her, she paused for a second, and said, "oh, I need to make sure I tell the doctor about that." Uh, Okay.
So I admit, I got a little worried. But cancer isn't exactly contagious. You get your hair color and your eyes from your parents, maybe an attitude or something and but cancer?? Nah. I knew that by them having cancer, it probably meant my chances to get it were increased. But still, I just had no idea.
So after my "check up," the doctor brings in a brochure and gives it to me. It's on Lynch Syndrome, or Hereditary nonpolyposis colorectal cancer (HNPCC). He said because my mom and grandmother had uterine cancer at a very young age, it was possible that I had this Lynch syndrome, which basically is some sort of mutation. So my mom and grandmother carry this thing and may have passed it on to me. Of course, I wasn't being told I had cancer or would get it tomorrow, but he was telling me there was a good chance, or that my risk was very high to also get uterine cancer.
The first thing that popped into my head was having children. I'm 28 right now. I still have not had kids. I still am not ready to have kids. What does this mean? So I asked. His response. "Well, if you know something is going to break, then you need to use it before it breaks." Yeah, thanks.
So, I need to have kids now, or at least soon, according to my doctor. I wish it were that easy.
I wish I could have went home that night and started making some babies. But it doesn't work that way. Well, I guess it does work that way. But logically, and realistically, I have a lot to consider when it comes to this topic. So of course as I left the doctor's office, I began thinking that I would never have kids.
My appointment was on Thursday and Allen worked late so we didn't get to talk about it much. I basically just called and told him and that was it. When he got home, I pretended to be already asleep because I didn't want to talk about it. Friday morning, I got up to get ready for work and he told me had been thinking about it and felt like we should just have a baby...right now. It was cute, in a way, I guess. But then I gave him a reality check and he gave up that idea. So I went on to work and barely made it through Friday. I had to go home early.
It upset me a lot. The more I digested it, the more I cried. It wasn't so much the cancer part that upset me. Uterine cancer is one of the less scary cancers if caught early enough. What upset me is that my husband and my screw ups early in life may have cost us a future with children. I cried a lot the first two days. I stayed in bed the whole weekend.
Finally, I decided that it was stupid for me to be all upset over this. Allen kept telling me that there was no reason for me to be so upset over something that hasn't happened yet and he was right. It hasn't happened yet. It may not even happen at all. SoI did what Jennifer always told me to do when I called her with a problem. I gave it to God.
I wish I could say that was it. That I never thought about it again. I haven't really worried so much about it anymore but it is still on my mind. Allen and I decided we'd start trying to get healthier and I'd start taking prenatal vitamins soon and we'd see where we were in 6 months to a year. But I haven't changed anything. I have cut back just a little on my caffeine intake but that's about it. So really, the change has to be from me. I have to get my body ready for a baby if I really want to have one. It starts here. If I get healthier and get ready for a baby and I find out I can't have one or whatever, then that's God's plan for me. I have to accept it. I have to move on. It's time for me to live my life based on how God wants me to live it. If kids are not in my future, then maybe something better is.
I hope God will give me the strength to get through this and will guide me in the direction he wants me to go. Because, alone, I'm lost.
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