Weekend fun

So, this weekend wasn't the greatest though if you count Thursday night as the start of the weekend, it at least started off good.

Thursday night was girl's night out. Mandisa and Anita Renfrow performed here and my three cousins, a friend of theirs and a friend of mine all went. It was a lot of fun and it was one of those events that really touched me. There was a part of it where Mandisa was talking about hard times and how God is there with you. She asked those in the audience that were going through trials to stand and as I do quite often at the end of church, when you can go to the altar and pray, I forced myself to keep my butt attached to the seat even though God was trying really hard to get me to stand up. I held back the tears (for the most part) and I pretended I had no troubles but inside, I was wishing that hundreds of people would pray for me. I wish I had stood because on Friday, I needed those prayers more than anything.

Thursday wasn't the best day. It just seems that Allen and I are falling deeper and deeper into a hole and no matter how hard we try or how hard we pray, we just keep falling. It finally got to me Thursday afternoon and I just had a meltdown. Thank God I had the girl's night out on Thursday because the company I was with always makes me feel better. So Thursday night, I came home feeling somewhat better but still worried. I worried so much that I started having pains in my stomach and I knew that if I kept stressing so hard, I could hurt the baby.

On Friday morning, I had planned to go to work a little later than normal because I had worked late a few nights during the week. Allen goes in at 7:30 and he typically calls or texts me to let me know he got to work okay. Well he texted me at 7:30 and said he was there. At 7:40, he calls to let me know he got let go from his job, a job he's only had for 3 weeks. I wasn't really that surprised because the job had not been going well but I really thought he could last a few more weeks, or even a few more months, but obviously that was not the case.

When I hung up, I felt several different emotions. I felt scared, sad, angry, upset and worried. I was worried about Allen because I know how hard he tried to make this work. I was worried because Allen  had prayed so hard to find something and this is what presented itself only to be taken away in just 3 weeks. I was scared because we can't keep living off of my paycheck. I was scared because in just 3 months, I'll be taking a maternity leave, some of which I probably won't get paid for and that means we'll  have no money coming in. I was sad and upset because no matter how hard we try, we can't see to win. There's always something fighting with us, trying to keep us from getting back on track. And, I was angry at God, angry at Allen and angry at myself, for lots of reasons. And during all these emotions, I had a meltdown and became terrified about bringing a baby into our screwed up lives. I didn't go to work that day because throughout everything, the pains in my stomach continued and I became terrified that I was going to hurt the baby. So I thought if I stayed in bed and had some alone time to think and deal with things, I'd do better than if I was around a bunch of people.

Saturday was March 12 and though I tried not think about the significance of the day, it still turned into a crappy day. I woke up feeling okay but then I felt sick the rest of the day and the rest of the weekend.

I made it to church on Sunday but had to leave before the sermon got started because I was so sick feeling. All I can say is, I truly dread menopause. On Sunday, I was having tremendous hot flashes. On top of that, I had a headache and felt like I was going to pass out and/or throw up all at the same time. Allen insisted on leaving with me so we went to my grandma's and he went to go get me some Tylenol. My cousin had some headache stuff and I thought it was Tylenol so I took one at church, thinking it would help. But when I read on the bottle that it had some aspirin in it, I started obsessing over that and that probably made me sicker. Aspirin can cause miscarriages and though I doubt one little pill will hurt the baby, with everything else going on, I started freaking out. I laid down until church let out and had a cold, wet rag on my head and eventually, I began to feel better though I felt crappy the rest of the day.

We had our first baby shower on Sunday as well. I felt bad when I got there but eventually, I began to feel better. We had a nice shower. Lots of people came and I have to say, this little baby is going to have lots of stuff. We are blessed, even though right now, it's hard to see it. I wish Jennifer were there though. It's been hard going through all this stuff and not having her to share it with. She would be so excited about Corbin and she would find all these weird things I'm going through, specifically the hot flashes, quite amusing. She'd probably help me find them amusing as well.

I wish I had made it through church on Sunday. I needed the sermon, whatever it was on and this time, I may have actually let myself be pushed up to the front to the alter for some prayer. I definitely need it some extra prayers right now.