Off the wagon

I've sort of fallen off the wagon, so to speak. I've started back drinking coffee.

Prior to pregnancy, I had a cup everyday, sometimes two. And on top of coffee, I'd regularly drink Mt. Dew or other sodas throughout the day. As soon I found out I was pregnant, I quit, cold turkey. It was hard but the motivation was there so I decided that even though no one told me I had to give up caffeine altogether, I felt that as the only way I could stop. I was right.

I went probably 4 months without drinking caffeine. I had a sip or two every now and then but for the most part, I stuck to water and juice. After 4 months, I slowly started allowing myself to have a cup of coffee in the morning every now and then. But then it turned into every day. Some of those cups were decaffeinated, mind you, but still, that has a little caffeine in it as well. Then, I gradually started allowing myself a soda here and there. Today, I have at least one cup of coffee or soda every day, if not two. I'm still not going over my limit, as far as the baby is concerned, but I hate that I let myself fall off the wagon so easily. It just proves that I can either have caffeine or I can't. There's no in between. But to think about living the rest of my life without another cup of coffee makes me want to rip my eyeballs out. I mean, I'm about to have a baby, for crying out loud. What else am I supposed to drink to keep me awake when he's screaming at all hours of the night?!?

So, as I type this, I'm sipping on a cup of Bojangles coffee. I meant to ask for decaf but I forgot. But this will be my one and only caffeinated drink for the day so I'm going to enjoy it.

I'd like to find a happy medium. I could live off of decaf coffee. I can't even tell the difference. But I just cannot drink caffeine free Mt. Dew. It's gross. But I have to keep up my fight with caffeine. I actually survived quite well without it for 4 months so I know I can do it again, only splurging occasionally. That's my goal.

I think about Corbin and I know that as he's growing up, I don't want him to have my same obsession with caffeine or Allen's obsession with chocolate. I'd rather him be obsessed over carrots and apples and bananas. I can't tell my kid not to have sodas and then drink one in front of him. That would be wrong. So I'm determined to make sure I get over this weirdo caffeine obsession before my baby is old enough to know what a soda is. I think I can do it but it'll just take some time. A happy medium would be for me not to have the shakes when I don't have caffeine for a day but to also be able to enjoy a cup of coffee every now and then without it becoming a ritualistic part of my life!