March 12

So, it's March and it's been so busy, I almost made it to March 12 without really thinking about the significance of the day. But then I remembered.

Four years ago, on March 12, I lost my best friend in the whole, wide world. It sure doesn't seem like yesterday.

I try to do things on March 12 to keep me occupied. I always take that day off work but this year it's on a Saturday and I don't have anything going on so I don't have to work anyway. I don't know what I'll end up doing. But I know I'll think of Jennifer.

It's so hard to believe it's been 4 years. I still remember that day like it happened only yesterday. I remember coming home from work late and I remember getting the phone call from a friend just as I was going to bed. Somewhere in there I kept saying no, no and I believe I may have called her a liar. I don't remember much else, except for Allen picking me up off the floor and holding me. I think I called my dad and asked him if it was true. Somewhere in there, I also called my boss. She had to have surgery the next day and it would be my first time putting out the paper by myself and as this all was happening, I wondered how I would manage to do that knowing my best friend was gone. I don't remember the drive to Bethel. And I don't remember the drive back to Nashville, although I know it was like 4 or 5 in the morning and I had to be back at work at 7. And I still went to work and somehow, that newspaper got out. I thank God for Allen because he was there with me and when I needed to step away from my desk and cry, he'd hold me and let me do it. Then, I'd go back to work. Allen's been there for me ever since. He's there when I would randomly cry over Jennifer, 4 years later. He was there when I decided I had to do this scholarship and he supported the idea and he's been at every fundraiser, helping.

And now, it's 4 years later and I still cry just to think about that day. I cry when I realize that Jennifer may have needed me and I wasn't there. I cry when I think about how much we will miss out on. And then I get angry because I realize there are some in Jennifer's life that moved on so fast that it made it that much harder for me to move on. Today, I feel a hatred I have never felt before. It's not healthy but to this day, I have not been able to make peace and move on. I never will. I was in a grocery store the other day with Allen and there was a guy working at the register we were at that reminded me of this person. He had the same goofy look, he was talking to people just like he would and I couldn't take it. That feeling bubbled up into my heart and I had to walk out of the store and let Allen finish paying and get our groceries. When Allen walked out, he asked what was wrong and I told him that the guy reminded me of this person and he agreed. I told him I couldn't take it, that this complete stranger had pissed me off so bad just by looking and acting like someone I hated. I will never comprehend how you can pledge your love to someone and be their spouse and on the day they die, the first thing that crosses your mind is how you will date again. I will never understand, nor accept, the fact that Jennifer's husband decided it was okay to not only start dating again before a tombstone was even on Jennifer's grave but that it was okay to shove this person in her family's and friend's lives before they even had time to grieve properly.

I know God wants me to let it go and I know Jennifer wants me to move on as well but I can't. I've accepted her death and I've found as much peace as I will find but I will never accept or approve of his actions. I hate him and I always will. His actions have made my grief that much harder to deal with and I would love to  just beat all of my anger and frustrations and grief out on his face.

On a lighter note, if you can go to a lighter note after that rant, I know that wherever Jennifer is today, she is happy and that gives me peace.  It doesn't make it easier but it does give me some peace. I know I'll never find another friend like her.