Stay-at-home dad

So, I'm slowly trying to accept the cold, hard fact that I will not get to stay at home with the baby for long.

Since Allen is again unemployed, it's time to face reality. Allen will more than likely turn into a stay-at-home dad. I guess I'm okay with that but I'm also a little upset about it.

Allen has been unemployed through most of our marriage. I have worked throughout our entire marriage and have basically supported us financially. He's kept odd jobs and done things to help make ends meet but he hasn't been able to keep a steady job in seven years. And, now, since it seems like that is still the case, it's time to sit down and accept the reality that there is no way that I'll ever be able to be one of those stay-at-home parents because someone has to work and apparently, that is me.

I'm not even sure I'd like to be a stay-at-home mom. But I did want to be a stay-at-home writer and since we have a baby on the way, it just seems to fit that the two would go hand in hand. I've been holding out hope that one day, our situation would change and Allen would find a stable job and keep it and maybe I could switch to writing different things, things that would allow me to stay home and work from home. I've been pretty patient about the whole deal but now, it seems as if that will never happen. I'll have to stay in the newspaper business forever and though I like it, the pay sucks and it never gets better.

I guess I envisioned being able to stay home with the baby and take on a different role in life. Instead of being the breadwinner, I wanted to concentrate on my writing in a different way. I wanted to write books. I wanted to be with the baby as he grew. And I wanted to find volunteer organizations to engulf myself in. I thought I could stay home and do part-time work from home and be able to be a wife and a mother and for once, I could be a more attentive wife. I've spent the past seven years working by butt off and I haven't been able to be the wife I want to be because I've been too busy working.

I feel like I'm stuck. If I stay in this business, I feel I'll miss out on so much of my baby's life. Though I do have a fairly flexible schedule, there are some things you can't miss. You can't miss press day, which is Tuesday so no matter what is going on in the baby's life, if it is on a Tuesday, I'll miss it. And then there are the many late nights where I'll be home after the baby is in bed. It just hurts my heart to think  that I've spent the past 7 years being a career woman and not able to focus more on my role as a wife and now, when June comes, I won't be able to be a good mother either. I know some women do it all and do it well. I wish I could but this type of work I'm in is very demanding. It's your life. It's 24/7 and although I love it, I foresee that once this baby comes, I won't love it as much anymore because it will take away from my family.

We still have close to three months and a lot can happen but I don't foresee things changing enough for me to be able to play a more active role in my child's life. I feel as though I'll deliver this baby and have to rush back to work because we can't afford to not have a paycheck. I just wanted a few weeks at home to enjoy motherhood but it seems like my only role will be giving birth and then going right back to work to support the baby. I don't know why it upsets me so much because men do it all the time and I never thought of myself as a traditional woman. But maybe I'm more traditional than I thought.