2011 and still missing you

Wow, I didn't get to start out 2011 with a bang as I had hoped but nonetheless, here we are. I'm gonna make the best of it regardless.

I started the New Year off thinking about Jennifer. It had to happen some time or another. I went to Pitt County with Allen on Thursday and Friday so he could do some work for my dad. I just hung out at my grandma's house. I woke up on Thursday sick so once I got where I could leave, we went down there and I spent most of the day lounging around. On Friday, though, I had plans to do a few things. I had wanted to see a few people I hadn't seen in a while and I had decided I wanted to go visit Jennifer's grave. I never made it to any of those places.

Going to Jennifer's grave makes her die all over again. Seeing her name on a tombstone just takes my heart and twists it completely around. I know she's dead and gone and in a better place but just being in a graveyard with my once best friend completely hurts my soul. I was completely devastated that I didn't go because I like to go and talk to her. Once my heart untwists itself, I enjoy sitting down and chatting with Jennifer and pretending she can hear me. I wanted to tell her about the baby and how excited we are. And I wanted to tell her how much I wished she were here to be a part of it. Allen and I had always said Jennifer would be the Godmother to our child. We just always thought that was how it would be. It hurts to know our baby will miss out on Jennifer's warmth and kindness.

On Saturday, we rented some movies. One of those was Charlie St. Cloud. I've been wanting to see if forever so we finally got it and it was a great movie but I cried a lot and then of course, it made me think of Jennifer, which made me cry some more. I kept wondering if that whole situation were possible, if there was even a chance Jennifer's spirit could have stuck around and we could have still been best friends and met everyday and chatted. It sounds odd but you take what you can get and I miss our talks. I miss her verbally slapping me around and telling me what to do and how I need to let my problems go and give them to God because I'll never be able to handle them all. It's selfish of me to even want that, to want Jennifer's spirit to still be here instead of with God, where she is happier. I just wish I could sit down and have a talk with her. I've tried the best I can to move on but it's still hard, especially now when I have something so exciting going on and no best friend to share it with.