Straight to the heart

Last week, I got a letter from UNC-CH confirming my appointment for January 7. I never knew about the appointment but we had asked at our last regular appointment if we still were being sent to Chapel Hill for testing. So apparently an appointment was made and luckily, it's on a Friday, so I can make it. At first, I was super excited because we are scheduled for an ultrasound at our January 5 appointment and the doctor said IF the baby cooperates, we can tell what it is. SO if the baby does not cooperate, we'll still be able to find out, on January 7 during our other ultrasound.

Today, a lady from Nash OB-gyn called to confirm my appointment and to talk to me about it. I guess that's when it hit me. I'm not going to this appointment for fun, to see what the baby is. We're going to this appointment because there's a chance that our baby could have a heart defect of some kind.

The ultrasound on January 7 is not just a normal ultrasound. It's actually a very detailed one, one where they can really get a good look and listen to the baby, to tell if anything is wrong.

Allen's family has a pretty extensive history of heart problems. Even Allen has had heart problems. He's had two heart surgeries, one of which was within the first year or so of us dating. But that surgery supposedly corrected everything and he's been fine since. But he has nephews and nieces with issues as well. One niece, who is maybe 8 or 9, isn't supposed to make it to her teens. She has really major heart problems. But she's proven the doctors wrong so far and I can only pray that continues to prove them wrong and gets to live a much longer life than doctors planned for her.

On one side, I'm glad we get to find all this out early so we can plan for it. But I am so scared for our baby. I don't want anything to be wrong with him/her. I want it to be healthy, so it can have a fun-filled life, a normal life. I know that's what every parent wants for their child.

I'm trying to not stress over it because there's nothing I can really do to change things. If there's something wrong, then we just have to deal with it. But I know the next few weeks will be stressful and I'll worry a little. I guess as the person carrying the baby, I feel somewhat responsible for what happens to it. If something is wrong, I know I'll blame myself. Every time I eat or drink something that isn't healthy, I feel bad and wonder what I'm doing to this little thing inside me, who today is the size of an avocado. It's a big responsibility to grow a baby inside you and it's a little scary to know that everything you eat and drink and breathe in, you're doing for your baby as well.

But in the end, I know it's God's will and if we are meant to have a healthy, normal baby with no health issues, then we will. If we aren't, then I guess we will deal with that when the time comes. I can't imagine I'll love him/her any more or less.