Reality is sinking in

So, I feel very emotional right now. Emotional and alone. And it sucks.

Reality is finally hitting me, I suppose. How in the world am I going to financially provide for a baby? How in the world am I going to give a baby everything in the world that he wants?

Right now, I'm the only one working full-time and truly, it's been that way for 95% of the past 7 years of my life with Allen. He just has issues with keeping a job. Many of the issues aren't his fault. It's the type of work he finds but he's been unemployed A LOT during our marriage but somehow, we've managed to make ends meet on my little, bitty newspaper salary. That's going to soon change. My salary barely supports us. It will definitely NOT support a baby too. Allen has worked odd jobs here and there and he's working part-time now but right now, that's about all you can find out there.

So, Allen wants to start a martial arts business. I support that 100% but at the same time, I financially can't support that dream. It's hard because I can't make his dreams come true. And to do something like this, you do need a little bit of a nest egg. We don't have that.

So, we're stuck trying to figure things out and we're forced to figure them out alone because our support system isn't very large. My family doesn't take risks so obviously him starting a business is not going to go well in their eyes. And his family, well, they're just not the supportive types so we're stuck trying to figure this out, just the two of us.

And I'm in the corner wondering how in the world this is going to work. How can I continue to support this family financially while at the same time take care of it physically too? It scares me. Our house is still not even close to being finished. I like to think Allen's working as hard as he can on it but for someone who only works 10-15 hours a week, I was thinking we'd be further along. I just worry that the baby will come and here we'll be, still working on the house, still trying to figure out the financial aspect of life.

I've been fairly stress free over this whole baby thing. But there are days when I just can't give all my problems to God to deal with. There are some days where I just take them back and look at the list and freak out.

The reality of it is, we have a baby on the way and it's a big responsibility so there's some growing up that needs to happen over the next 5 months and some decisions that will have to be made. Somehow, we have to make the best choices that will have the best impact on our baby and ultimately, ourselves. So, I've got to pull myself out of the corner and get back on my knees and pray about it. Right now, that's the only thing I know to do.