Walking out

So, in my last post, I wrote about how a song had really touched me at the perfect time. Little did I know, God was forewarning me for something that would happen later in the week.

I thought things with my mother were going well. We email each other several times a week and nothing has really changed. She hasn't seen Corbin since he was born. She came to see him in the hospital but hasn't seen him since. She has mentioned in her emails that she wanted to see him and within the past 2 weeks has hinted that she wanted us to come visit her in Apex, which is over an hour away.

I never commented on anything because we've had stuff going on most weekends and really didn't have the time to go visit her. Plus, she's been in and out of the hospitals dealing with her many ailments and I didn't really think it was appropriate to visit someone with a newborn when they are under the weather. So I figured when she was ready to see Corbin, she would say something. When she started hinting at us visiting her, we had stuff going on and so I didn't respond. But, she was always welcome to visit us whenever she wanted.

Anyway, she sent me an email last week saying she felt like I was pushing her away and that I didn't want her in Corbin's life. She said was upset that she hadn't seen him since he was born. Then she went on to say that she'd be a great grandma to him and all this crap. Then she started talking about God and how God loved her and all this stuff.

Well, the email ticked me off. For one, she was making assumptions that weren't true. And two, she was using God as a crutch. I sat on the email for a few hours because I knew if I had responded right then, I would have went off on her and said some very ugly things.

When I did respond, I feel like I did so in a nice yet honest way. I told her that she'd been sick and in the hospital a lot and so I didn't think it was appropriate for us to bring Corbin there. But I reminded her that "the road goes both ways."

I then told her that I didn't think we'd ever have the relationship she wanted us to have. She seems to think she can take the 28 years she was not in my life and erase them. She thinks that I'm supposed to just wake up and forgive her overnight and I can't. I'm not ready. I was making progress but I was still not there yet. And I guess she didn't like that. I was honest with her from the beginning of this relationship. I told her that she had hurt me and that I had a lot of hatred and anger towards her and that it would take a while for that to be fixed. She was okay with it then.

In my response to her, I told her that Mama Ruth would always be Corbin's grandmother. She raised me and just because my mother decided to enter my life 28 years after she left, didn't automatically put her in the seat above my grandmother. Mama Ruth would always be his grandmother. Maybe that was harsh but it's the truth. She seems to think that I was just going to pretend like she's always been my mother and let my son think that as well. But that's not fair to my grandmother or to the many other people who were my moms. I've tried to make that very clear to my mother from the beginning.

Anyway, she wrote me back an ugly email and she told me that she knew our relationship would never work because I have too much hatred in my heart. Then she told me that I had never wanted Corbin to be a part of her life anyway and that I didn't want our relationship to work. She said she wasn't going to let me be mean to her so she didn't want anything to do with me.

It upset me, I'm not going to lie. It upset me because when things don't go her way, there she goes, running away again. It upset me because I ALMOSt let her have a relationship with my child and had this happened when he was older and could understand what was going on, I would have been really angry at her. I'm upset because yet again, I let her hurt me.

I don't feel like I was being unreasonable. I told her from the beginning that I had a lot of anger inside of me over what happened. And I told her it would take time for that to go away. But I really put forth an effort to let her in my life, whether she saw it or not. Yes, I may not have been as close to her as she wished but I have a heck of a lot of distrust for people.

The day after it happened, I was really upset. I cried some but I'm thankful that I at least know. If I had never let her in, I would have always wondered. Now I know. My mother may be this new, better person. She may have let God into her life. But she's still a pro at walking out on me.

I can promise you it won't happen again.