A few weeks ago, I had lunch with an old friend from high school. She was our class president and we became pretty good friends. We didn't keep in touch a lot after high school but we did run into each other here and there.
She's been planning our 15-year high school reunion and somehow, I've gotten involved too. She wants our class to go on a reunion cruise. Not sure how that will work out, as we haven't got much of a response but we're trying!
Anyway, she's someone I can really confide in about things. She's not one of those girls that talks crap about you behind your back or judges you for your past. She knows a lot about me. I've been able to open up to her about a lot of things.
When we met for lunch, we were talking about relationships and she asked how my marriage was. I told her it was ok, that we'd had our struggles and still are working hard to fix things but that we were hanging in there. Then she asked me a odd question.
Do you feel sexy?
Well, if you know me, you know my answer. Sexy, me? Um no. No way.
I've never been one to overflow with self-confidence. I have never looked in the mirror and thought, "Man you are one sexy lady." I have always thought of myself as fat and unattractive. And lately, I've felt extremely unattractive. I don't know why.
But this friend told me I needed to find my sexy. So, since our conversation, I've been wondering where does one find sexy?
Some think of feeling sexy in a different way than what I think she meant. But regardless, I've been on the prowl for my sexy. I'm still looking and I may put an ad in the newspaper. I get free ads, you know, so what could it hurt? Wanted: Looking for my sexy. If you know where I can find it, please call XXX-XXXX.
HA! There is no telling what kind of response I would get!
Seriously, I've been doing some soul searching since then and I realized that I'm just generally unhappy right now. I can't explain it but other than this kid, I feel pretty worthless. It's my own fault. Somewhere along the way, I let myself get like this. I don't really look forward to things anymore. I walk around with this fake smile on my face and pretend that everything is hunky dory but it's not.
The highlight of my life is spending time with Corbin and reading. I like to read because it puts me in this make believe, better place. It's like watching the soap operas but instead of watching, you are reading.
I have no motivation to do any of the things I have mentioned on here; writing, doing a baby scrapbook, anything really.
So, now that I've finally realized all this, I need to change it. There's really no reason for me to be like this. I am very blessed. I have a beautiful little boy, a wonderful family, a roof over my head, a pretty neat minivan and a job that I don't worry about losing. But I guess there is something missing and maybe it's my sexy. I need to find it but I don't know where to even begin looking.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I feel like I always have some book to reference for everything, but for this instance I totally do. I just did a study called Intimate Issues and it was fantastic. It's looking at intimacy like God intended and it's amazing. I did it with a group of ladies and learned ALOT by hearing their responses to things, but I think it would be just as effective to just read the book. It's a quick read and it's not too long. It's by Linda Dillow and I saw a copy the other day in the Lifeway here. I bet your sexy is in that book :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Ashley. That sounds like an interesting read. I'll definitely have to check it out! Thanks!
ReplyDelete