Turned around and it was August

It sure doesn't seem like the last time I came here was January but apparently it was. I have a lot to update. 

Jennifer's scholarship is moving along now. We held a Craft/Yard Sale in June and though the craft part of it didn't go as planned, we somehow managed to raise over $3,000! I was shocked, still am actually. But now, we have moved beyond the $5,000 required to get this thing official. We'll be having another bbq chicken plate sale in September, at the Bethel Unity Festival. I had decided to skip it this year but we had several requests to do it again so here we are. Last year we brought in between $500-$600. This year, my goal is $1,000. 

The scholarship has given me something to do to occupy my time. I've been rather lonely lately and the tv has been my only companion so this at least gives me something to do. But I have found some other things to occupy my time as well. 

I've started going to a Bible study with my cousin, Amy. It's a women's bible study and it's been interesting. It's focus is on how to have a heart for God. It's been uplifting and a little hard to digest all at the same time. The feminist in me has trouble accepting some of the things it is telling me about my role as a woman and wife. But I'm learning and it's somewhat helping me to be a better wife and person in general. I have a long ways to go though. 

On a slightly depressing note, Allen lost his job again. This is the third time in two years he has been laid off by the same company. I don't think Allen will go back a fourth time. He's found things to do to keep some money rolling in and he's got some plans of things he wants to do. So, I'm going to try and support what he does and see what happens. I can't imagine being laid off this many times is good for anyone's self confidence. I know it hasn't been good for Allen's. He needs to follow his heart and do what makes him happy. I'm willing to let him give it a shot. 

I turned 30 last week. It was an emotional roller coaster for me but I guess I got through it and just like a roller coaster, I was a little sick on my stomach when it was all over. I know I've done okay in my first 30 years but there's so much more I wish I could have accomplished. But I suppose it's never too late. I was fortunate to have people in my life that really tried to make my birthday special this year. 

I am trying hard to put myself back out there so that maybe I can develop some friendships. Since Jennifer died, I've been walking around with this brick wall around my emotions, terrified to let anyone else in. I have a lot of trouble trusting people, which is why Jennifer was my one true friend, the one person I can talk about anything. But then again, there are times I find myself just blabbing to anyone about my personal life and afterwards, I'm wondering what in the world I was thinking. But over the last five months or so, I've really needed a shoulder to cry on. Allen and I have been dealing with some issues that have put our relationship in a bit of a strain. I've found that I have more people than I thought to confide in. I guess it took me going through something hard to realize it. I guess making new friends means accepting the fact that maybe I'm finally getting over Jennifer. There are still times I'm at my desk at work, or sitting at home, and I just break down and cry. It's like I've found out all over again that my best friend is gone. I wonder if I'll always be like that. 

Finally, I just got back from TN. My whole family went and it made me realize how much I miss our family trips. We had a good time but didn't get to do as much as we wanted. There were some adventurous trips I had wanted to take but just couldn't fit it in our schedule. Hopefully, next year we'll do it again. 

I'm sure there's more that's happened over the past 7 months but I'm 30 and my brain just doesn't remember like it used to. As you can tell, my brain is also very scattered. I always hoped this blog would be a little more organized with some direction to it but so far it seems to be pretty random. 

Thinking...

Hard to believe it's 2010. This is the big year, the year I turn the big 3-0. I am NOT excited about that at all. It's not really that I don't want to be 30. It's just that I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be at this age. I'm so behind in life, I just feel lost. 

Today, I woke up in one of my funks. I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to go to work, I just wanted to hide from the world. I get like that sometimes. It seems to happen more so when I'm home alone. Allen is still staying in Bethel during the week to work on my car and to save gas money so he's home once during the week and then on weekends. But this week, he won't be back until Saturday night so I've been alone three nights now and it's wearing on me. I tend to think too much when I'm alone and for me, that's not a good thing. 

I started the New Year sick and I'm still getting over that. I'm hoping it will go away soon. But other than that, my start to 2010 has been pretty unproductive, except for the lonely thinking I've been doing. 

I hadn't been on in a while, so I decided while I was kinda blah, it would be a good time to write. But now that I'm here, I don't know what to say. My life isn't exactly exciting. So that's it for now. Hopefully, I'll be able to get out of my funk soon. 

Been a while...

Well, I am definitely in disbelief that December is here. I feel like I just posted on this blog but it was in October. I guess it's been a while.

I've just had no desire to write. It's getting harder and harder for me to sit down and craft words into something. It's a scary feeling. It's affecting my job a lot. I sit and stare at the screen for hours trying to write one story when used to, I could pop one out just like that. I don't know what to do about it. 

Anyway, Jennifer's scholarship is at a standstill, again. I don't know what to do about that either. I'm a little disappointed that out of everyone that knew Jennifer and thought the world of her, no one is giving anything to her scholarship fund. I know times are tight but even $20 would be better than nothing and there are some people that I know can afford it. It would really suck for this scholarship not to get anywhere. But I'm determined and I won't give up until the $25,000 is raised. I just need to get my focus back,I guess, and start worrying the crap out of people. I guess that's what it's going to take. 

I've been trying to find a hobby but so far, have not come up with anything. I've been really lonely lately. Allen is never home anymore. A lot of times, I don't even feel like I'm married. He lives away during the week and lately he's been staying some of the weekend too so I see him maybe 3 nights a week. That's not what I signed up for. I am SO happy he's working now but can't deal with this living apart mess for much longer. Hopefully we'll soon work it out. I feel like I've spent more of our married life apart than together. So I've been trying to find things to do to keep my nights occupied and my mind off of the loneliness. I'm trying hard not to fall in a rut and it's hard. I have no one to talk to and that makes it even harder. It's on these lonely nights that I find myself needing a friend and then realize that my one, true friend is gone. It's still hard to fathom. But I can't find anything that interests me enough to stick with it. I've got all this stuff to start scrapbooking but my creative side is just not there. I'm not interested in sewing or knitting or stuff like that. I'm hoping something will come along soon. 

But until then, I've learned to plop myself in front of the tv and stay there until bedtime.

It's hard to believe it's already been almost 3 weeks since the bbq chicken plate sale. Time is flying by way too fast. When I was younger, that was a good thing but now that I'm older, I'm not enjoying time flying by. 

There's plenty more to talk about but for now, I just am not in the mood to write. My writing spirit seems to slowly be disappearing, which is not good considering I write for a living. But I'm hoping it's just that I'm wore out and need a break. I'm supposed be going on vacation in 2 weeks but I'm not actually going anywhere so I really don't have anything to look forward to except being stuck at home bored. But maybe I can at least get some needed rest. 

I have been thinking a lot about the future lately and the leftover dreams I've yet to grab. I've got a lot of soul searching to do, I suppose. But soul searching never goes well for me so I'm putting it off for as long as I can. 

Jennifer's scholarship is finally underway!!!

Well it's finally over. And I have to say, I am exhausted but in a good way. The first fundraiser for Jennifer's scholarship was successful and we raised around $650, which is a great start. I'm still waiting on a few promised checks to roll in so that may bring the total up. 

I admit, things did not go as smoothly as I had hoped but the end result was good. For one, I'm not exactly a leader type. I'm more of a follower than a leader so having to take charge of something is not my cup of tea. Although I tried, I didn't do a good job being a leader and taking charge of things. I wish Allen had been there because he would have helped me out a lot in that department. Things were very unorganized at the beginning but like I said, it all worked out. I'm not a last minute person so all that last minute stuff was really freaking me out. 

But the chicken plates sold out, we got some great comments and things went very well. All in all I'm happy with the support Jennifer's friends and family and especially my family, gave to this cause. I'm such a lucky person to have such a supportive family. Now, it's on to trying to get even more money so we can get the amount needed to actually make this scholarship happen. Lots of fundraising ideas have been thrown around so I'm sure we'll soon be planning for something else. 

In other avenues, Allen finally got a full-time job. I'm so excited for him but on the other hand disappointed it wasn't something he really, really wanted to do. But either way, it'll help us get in a better financial position so he can do what he really wants to do later. The place that laid Allen off in October called him back and he actually started today. He's going to keep his job at Red Lobster for a while so that we can get our debt paid off. His full-time job is in Greenville so that kinda sucks because it's a long drive but hey, it's a job and right now, a job is hard to come by, much less 2 jobs! I'm so proud of everything Allen has done. He has had a rough time over the past few years but I think he's finally getting there and I couldn't be happier. 

One week away

One more week before the bbq chicken sale to raise money for Jennifer's scholarship. 

I met with the lady from ECU yesterday to get the final paperwork done and pick up some more flyers. 

I feel a little better about things today. I think in the end, Jennifer's scholarship will be a success and it won't be because of anything I've done but because of the type of person she was and the impression she left on others. And since that was why I did this scholarship to begin with, I feel good about that. 

I'm still nervous about the chicken sale though. I've never done this type of thing before and am a little nervous about how everything will go. I worry we won't have enough plates then I worry we'll have way too much left over. But in the end, I'm sure everything will work itself out. 

On another note, I should have 3 books waiting for me when I get home tonight. I ordered Nicholas Sparks' new one, Jane Green's latest one and an updated book on the GRE. I've thought about taking the GRE and just seeing what my score is. If UNC ever gets that online master's program, then I'll be ready to apply. If I don't in, I don't get in but I can't keep putting this off because of fear. I'm going to at least try to further my education. If UNC won't let me in, then I'll go somewhere that will. It'll be their loss. 

I'm worried about taking the GRE though. I'm really bad at those type of tests and didn't do so hot on my SAT's so I can't imagine I'll do good on the GRE. But that's what this book will be for, I suppose so maybe I can study that really hard and do okay. 

I may not be posting anything on here again until after the fundraiser so my next post will hopefully be one on how well we did with the chicken plate sale!!!

fear of failure

Well, I'm about two weeks away from the first fundraiser for Jennifer's scholarship. I don't feel ready for it but I suppose I'll have to be. The fundraiser happened so fast and now I'm rushing to try to get everything done with very minimal help. I suppose part of that is my fault since I haven't really asked but I'm not really one to ask for help. But then again, I also don't know really what I even need to do. 

I'm starting to get worried I won't raise the money needed. I don't know why I always feel like this when I get in the midst of things. I have this horrible fear of failure. This is too important for me to screw up. 

My brain is a jumbled mess. I don't know why but I'm having the hardest time concentrating on anything. I come to work and I sit and stare at my computer most of the day and I end up not getting anything done until the very last minute. The same is true with all the personal stuff I have going on in my life. I'm starting to wonder if I need to go see someone and maybe get put on medication. 

Anyway, I'm still excited about the scholarship and being able to honor Jennifer but I haven't had the response I thought I would have. I guess I thought I'd start telling people about it and thousands of dollars would start coming in!!! I guess that's not how it works though. Either way, I'm going to make this a success, if I have to do car washes, donut sales or whatever else.