Goals

So I sat down and made myself a list of goals.

I've been doing some thinking and I need to work harder to do the things I need to do. I thought maybe a list would be helpful, even though lists have not seemed to work for me in the past. But regardless, I made the list.

I think sitting down and writing my list helps me to figure out what it is that I want.

In discussions with Allen, I've mentioned that sometimes it feels like I've put my life on hold for him. I know that doesn't sound nice but it's true. When we got married, Allen hadn't really figured himself out yet. He couldn't keep a job, was bouncing from place to place, getting laid off or quitting or whatever. He didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. I knew what I wanted to do, at least I had a plan. I wanted to get a job, go back to school for my Master's and then find a job teaching journalism at the college level. And though I did stick my toes in the water for graduate school, I only received a certificate. I never got the chance to get my Master's Degree because I was waiting for Allen to "figure it out." I felt like it was selfish for me to go back to school when he was still struggling to find himself. So when he decided he wanted to go to boat school, we took out a loan so he could do that (yeah that later turned out to be a dumb move). Of course, he's still one class shy from finishing and I worry that he will never finish. That's Allen. He never finishes what he starts. I wonder if that's a man thing?

Anyway, he decided that building boats was not a good idea with the economy the way it was so he moved on to something else and something else and something else and blah blah blah, there I was, the whole time, supporting him and just waiting for him to figure it out.

He figured it out maybe two years ago, when he finally decided he wanted to do the martial arts thing. He's been working on that since and I think he's finally found his "thing." But now, I'm 31 years old and have a kid so going back to school isn't a priority for me anymore. Neither are all these other things I wanted to do.

The point to all this jibber jabber is that in explaining this to Allen, he will ask me what it is that I want. What is it that I wanted to do? And then I stop and think and finally say, "well I don't know."

I guess I've forgotten all the important things I wanted to do. I've been busy being, trying to be the supportive wife, supporting my husband in his goals and ambitions while at the same time providing financially for my family while he figured it out. So I've forgotten what was important to me.

But now, I'm thinking a list may help me remember. So I'm making a list!

This is MY list. It's not Allen's list, it's not Corbin's list though because they are such a big part of my life, the things on my list will certainly involve them. But, this list is ALL FOR ME!!!!

The first thing on my list is taking time to do more devotions and reading my Bible. I've lost sight of some things along the whole life journey. I've forgotten truly how great God is. I pretend like I know but I really don't. I would like to find out again. I started reading my Bible every single day after Corbin was born. I'd read to him while he was laying on the floor. But when I finished that set of devotions, I stopped for some reason. I remember that when I was doing this, I was so much happier. I felt better about my day and my life. I want to feel like that again but I want more of it. I want to really know God and I know that I need Him in my life to overcome all the crap that I've let into my life.

The next thing on my list coincides with the first. I want to pray more. It's that simple. I don't pray much. I like to talk to myself though so I think instead of doing that, maybe I'll talk to God. I always thought you had to close your eyes and be in a quiet place to pray. But you don't. You can be at your desk, in the bathroom, driving, anywhere really! Isn't that great?! I can pray while I'm driving to work! Of course, I will keep my eyes open. But me and God talking while I drive to work makes me excited. I may even start that today, as I drive home!!!

My next two things are to stop eating so much and to exercise more. I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm happy, sad, mad, glad, depressed. Whatever emotion, I want to celebrate, or mourn, it with food. And you can tell by looking at my big, fat belly. It's my own fault I am overweight. I've let myself get like this and therefore it's up to me to do something about it. So I am going to one day try to eat less and exercise more. I've mentioned how I hate exercising so I need to find something to supplement that. I'm still working on a plan for this one.

Even though this list is not about Allen and Corbin, one of my goals is to spend more time with Corbin. At night, sometimes I just take him in his room and sit on the floor with him and while he's playing I'll read a book, my book. There's nothing really wrong with that, as Corbin likes to play by himself but I'd like to try and get him more engaged in playing with me. I don't get a lot of time with him on some days so I want to try and take advantage of the time I do get. Last week, we took him to the park and it was the best day ever. He was so happy and I just couldn't wait until the warmer weather was here permanently so we could do it more often.

Next on my list is education. I'm not sure I'll ever go back to school. I feel like any extra money I can round up should be put towards Corbin's education. But nonetheless, I'd like to study for the GRE and maybe even take the test and see if I pass. If I do, we'll go from there. I have to believe that if it was meant to be, God will provide a way. So if higher learning is in my future, God will show me.

To help Allen, I feel the need to take a few business classes. I have this strong feeling that I will be doing a lot of the administrative work for him. He's going to be busy teaching and since his ultimate goal is for this to be a "family" business, I feel I should do my part. But I'm not a business person at all so some classes could help me figure it out, unless I fail those classes (which is possible because I suck at business) and in that case, I guess Allen is in trouble!

Forgive. I have had a lot happen in my life over the years, things that have hurt me to the core. I have had trouble letting go of those things. When I let my mom in my life, I did so because I wanted to forgive. I thought she had to be in my life to forgive her. But that's not true. Sometimes it's best for a person to not be in your life but you can still forgive the actions they did that caused you pain and you can accept the fact that even though you forgive someone, it doesn't mean it's healthy for them to be in your life. So I have to find a way to forgive, not just my mom but several others.

That's my list so far. I think it's a good start. It's a way for me to really take a step back and look at the things I need to make myself a happier, more pleasant person.